wildflowerchild98 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Hi I am new to this forum and have been reading some of the threads and people here seem very insightful and willing to help others and not so much put others down. It seems like a real genuine group of people here! I just had a question can a marriage survive without sex? I mean is it possible to have great intimacy in others ways but not having physical intercourse???! Thank you all for your input~Chrissy
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 The only way it can survive without sex is if 1) both people don't want sex but do want whatever else the marriage offers them, and 2) neither falls for someone else outside the marriage that they do want sex with.
Author wildflowerchild98 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Ok I understand what you are saying and I respect your input but if you truly love the person you will not stray right? And if you really want all the other things that the relationship has to offer how do you look past the not having sex I try to tell myself it is not the basis of relationships but sadly I think for so many people it is! I am so confused.... thanks again!
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Ok I understand what you are saying and I respect your input but if you truly love the person you will not stray right? You might not intend to stray, but, it's very much a possibility. You'll find yourself wanting to, some day, when you meet someone who does spark that interest in you. Imagine: It's been years since you've had sex, and then one day, a new guy is hired at the office. He catches your attention - smart, charming, friendly, and you think he's good looking. You work together on a project and get to know each other pretty well. He starts flirting; it's harmless... Maybe you and he take some coffee breaks together and get to know each other as friends, and you start to share more and more about each other's lives. And maybe you and he and others from work go out for happy hour now and then, and now there's more behind the flirting. And you find yourself thinking of him a lot, and emailing him a lot and you're on the phone frequently. And then one day, the line is crossed, you two kiss. That's how straying starts. Maybe you've fallen in love, or maybe it's just sexual chemistry, but it's there. Even if you don't stray, you may wish to divorce because you meet someone whom you're crazy about and want to have sex with! Plus, after many years of marriage, even couples who do have sex encounter problems. Life can throw a lot of problems at you, and no matter how compatible and loving and intimate, all couples have issues at some point. Without sex, you have less holding you together. And if you really want all the other things that the relationship has to offer how do you look past the not having sex I try to tell myself it is not the basis of relationships but sadly I think for so many people it is! I am so confused.... thanks again!I don't think you can look past not having sex. It may not be the basis of a relationship, but it is very much the glue. There's an intimacy - physical, mental and emotional that you can't get any other way than through sex. And even if you think you can live without it, you will find that you miss it, eventually. And if you want children, you have to have some sex. Asexual couples could make it work. Maybe older couples in their later years who don't need the sex anymore, although they still need the affection and touch. Are you thinking of marrying someone you're not sexually attracted to?
Mr. Lucky Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I just had a question can a marriage survive without sex? I mean is it possible to have great intimacy in others ways but not having physical intercourse???! You know, I could "survive" on bread and water - but why would I want to ??? Yes, a marriage can survive without sex. If you spend some time on LoveShack, you see it happens in substantial number of unions. But prosper? Thrive? Enrich the participants? If that's your real question (and absent some disability on either partner's side), the answer is no... Mr. Lucky
porter218 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Ok I understand what you are saying and I respect your input but if you truly love the person you will not stray right? And if you really want all the other things that the relationship has to offer how do you look past the not having sex I try to tell myself it is not the basis of relationships but sadly I think for so many people it is! I am so confused.... thanks again! Wrong...I am sorry to break it to you but even when a man truly loves you he still can be tempted and may stray...love has nothing to do with it.
sadintexas Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Unless there is a physical issue with one of the partners in which sacrifices have to be made, I don't see why you would try to accept a sexless marriage. Is it that you don't have that chemistry with him, or sex doesn't seem important to one or both of you? Why would you accept that instead of trying to figure the issues out and work on them? I think marriages can survive, but the connection is damaged and it leaves room for an interloper.
quankanne Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 ah, back to that favorite chestnut, being in a marriage that's sexless. yes, it's possible, have been like that for nearly half my marriage, and once you wrap your mind around it, you see things differently. Do I miss having sex more than once a year? Do I fantasize about doing my husband? Oh hell yeah. However, I refuse to allow myself to obsess about it anymore, because doing that'll kill your soul while cultivating resentment toward your partner. I guess I see myself as luckier than the average bear simply because he's still intimate in the simple ways that mean the most: We hold hands and kiss in public, we hug, we snuggle, etc. He's not exactly a cold fish. And I think if he WERE a cold fish, I'd probably be out trying to find someone to fook because I'd be angry and resentful, and nothing more. Fortunately, it's not like that. as for being tempted ... i've been married 16 years. I like looking at nice looking men, making goo-goo eyes behind their back, but I can't say that i've ever been tempted. The one I want is the one I'm married to, and it's kind of hard fantasizing about another, it's just too weird. Even when I'm really, really horny. I do not want to be that person who devalues her marriage vows. IMO, people make sex the be-all, end-all of a relationship when there's nothing else to that relationship. Otherwise, they'd figure out there's more to it than just fooking. what works best for you and your partner should be the important thing, and don't torture yourself by comparing to someone else who has sex more often than you do. You are not the other person in the other relationship, you know?
Author wildflowerchild98 Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Isn't sex more than simply "intercourse" isn't sex the actual act where as making love is the intimacy???I think intimacy is one of the most important things I have been with the love of my life for over 3 years I am not married to someone I am not attracted too as NoraJane has asked though this is a valid question I am ver attracted to my husband and ver much in love with him He has a medical reason that is permitting us from having sex and sometimes I feel sad that we are not able to express our love in that way and I feel bad for feeling this way because he is the perfect husband in every way imaginable He treats me with love and respect and shows affection in many ways but I still wonder what it would be like I struggle with this because I don't want to make him feel inadequate We are working on overcoming this thank you all for your input! ~chrssy
norajane Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Ah, a medical reason. That's a bit different than having no desire for him. If his hands and mouth are not affected by the medical reason, you CAN have sex with him.
RecordProducer Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Is his condition curable? If not, would he consider alternative solutions, such as: 1. penis implant, 2. strap-on, 3. using his tongue and finger to please you IF that's enough for you 4. open marriage
quankanne Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 unfortunately, you've got to tread carefully with someone when the equipment fails to work – YOU can see the alternatives clearly, ones that you can be happy with, but that person just sees failure, and often just shuts down instead of looking at those alternatives. Because suddenly, their impotency means they're a failure as a man/woman, in their eyes.
Geishawhelk Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Voluntary celibacy is a commitment. Fidelity is a promise. Desire is natural. You have to decide whether you wish to commit, for the rest of your natural lives, to never having sex again. As norajane pointed out, there are some ways around some issues, but that's for you both to discover and establish. However, if you are telling us sexual penetrative intercourse is impossibe, and always will be, in your loving state and warm emotiuon, right now, that may be acceptable. But down the line, you may find yourself feeling deprived, and wanting more. The time to ask this, is not when things are going well. The time to ask this, is when you realise you need more.
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Fidelity is a promise. Desire is natural. Nice definition.
Author wildflowerchild98 Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 I love him with all my heart! He is my life! I am willing to wait for whatever God has planned for us! I am not sure if his condition is curable as he has diabetes and ED I think since he has a hard time maintaining an erection! He does see himself as a failure sometimes and that hurts me more than anything as to me his manhood is measured by his heart not the size or functionability of his penis! I accept this as the last thing i want to do is make him feel worse We share some wonderful time and cuddle and are very close but sometimes I wish for more and then I think I am being selfish and should be happy with what I have rather than wanting more! It is hard because we have so much passion for each other we share some intimate moments where it feels so deep like we actually have sex and then I get sad because I feel like our passion is being held back!! He said he is willing to speak to his doctor! I know it is not that he chooses not to have sex with me if it was that I think I would feel more inclined to stray because I would feel like he just didn't want to have sex! I also feel like it is my fault I know it is not but I feel like it is! Thank you all for your help and support! ~Chrissy
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 sometimes I wish for more and then I think I am being selfish and should be happy with what I have rather than wanting more! Chrissy, It's not sometimes, it's all of the time, I am sure. Maybe you think about it sometimes. You may choose whatever, but be honest with yourself that you're not satisfied with your relationship. I can bet you that you would rather be with a less-than-perfect man who can sexually please you than with your man, if you had to choose all over again. You're in denial. I think the most important criterion to determine whether someone is a good spouse is whether they would take care of you should you get very ill. There is nothing more noble than sacrificing your time and energy to take care of your spouse. But that doesn't mean that you should stop living a normal life yourself, right? If they can't walk, should you stop walking too? The ill spouse shouldn't be taking your life away from you. He is ill and you're full of compassion. That's very noble of you. But it's not noble of him to expect from you (the healthy party) to sacrifice your happiness because of his dysfunction. He didn't have a choice when he got diabetes and ED. But HE does have a choice to free you from the misery. I will never understand how people who don't make love with their spouses, for whatever reason, can think that this is okay, that their partners don't deserve better. Moreover, if your husband thinks you don't deserve better, then he doesn't value your happiness (or the love you feel for him). And if he thinks you do deserve better, then he is consciously depriving you from the happiness you deserve. That's called selfishness. I understand that it's you who decided to sacrifice for him, just like Quankane has been doing for many years. But Quankanne is a special woman. I admit, I am not such a giver. Not when it comes to men.
Author wildflowerchild98 Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 Thank you Record Producer for your input it is much appreciated. I do not feel that I am in denial I am in love with someone who has a medical dysfunction and I would never leave him or forsake him for that. He and I talked about this prior to our committment to each other He was completely honest with me from the beginning about his condition and I chose to love him anyway I do want to have sex but not with anyone else the desire is there to have sex I won't lie but if it is not with the man I love then it not worth it just to have the sex and sacrafice my relationship Is having sex derserving better? I want to have sex with my husband and hopefully someday we will but if not there may be a void but his love will fill it!!!! I strongly believe we can get through anything together I have not heard a reply yet about medications being an option but We may look into it! He told me this morning that he is afraid to even be intimate with me sometimes because he is afraid of failing and that I would resent him and leave him so he has some insecurities issues not selfishness He wants to please me despite his illness Is it fair to say because he has an illness he doesn;t deserve to be happy It is not all about my happiness but our happiness. We have a strong bond and we make time for each other everday We sleep together and bond with each other not just lie in bed together and never touch each other! Thank you again for all your support! ~Chrissy
Geishawhelk Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I know it's beating an old whipping post, but erectile dysfunction can become more of a psychological burden, when you are afraid it's going to happen. It's kind of a given that whatever you fear, is exacerbated by the fear..... Counselling would help you both come to terms with things together, and having another word with the doc may help.... Good luck to you both.
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Chrissy, may I ask how old you both are and for how long have you been together? If you're young and married recently, you have no clue how much you will resent your life in a few years. Look at the questions you asked: can a marriage survive without sex? You didn't ask if it can be successful, but whether it can SURVIVE! Deep down, you wonder if it will survive or turn into a night mare. Yes, technically, it can survive anything if nobody files for a divorce. I mean is it possible to have great intimacy in others ways but not having physical intercourse???! Well, YOU tell me. You've been practicing this type of intimacy with him. Is it possible for YOU, is it great?
quankanne Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 He said he is willing to speak to his doctor! then y'all are WAY ahead of the game, if he's willing to take action to ensure that you're physically gratified. Well, he gets gratification, too! look, there is always going to be some nagging insecurity when it comes to having sex with someone whose health messes with that part of your life: If he's not feeling guilty about not being able to put out, then YOU'RE feeling guilty for even wanting sex ... even when Mr. Happy comes out to play. don't let those things mess with your head, because what otherwise was an mutually enjoyable experience becomes an exercise is guilt because you think you're hurting him, or worse, forcing him to want you that way. I think that is what damages a couple's sex life in this particular case, more than the whole lack of sex thing. At least this is what I've found.
Author wildflowerchild98 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 I am 29 and he is going to be 47 I know this opens up a whole new discussion. I do not feel I will regret my life. I am learning to live the life I have always wanted. I know you mean well record producer but I think you have been a bit harsh none the less I do appreciate your feedback! Everyone has a right to their opinion and I am posting on here to get others feedback so I can not hold anything against you for voicing your thoughts. I am confused about my relationship because I have never been in a relationship where I loved someone as much as I love him and dealing with illness making sex difficult that doesn't mean I am not satisfied I just want to go forward Your right quank (hope I got your name right sorry if not) We do put each other through alot of guilt and that makes it hard We are going to counseling and are going to approach my therapist about it this coming week. We need to communicate so the issue is not taboo It is a real issue and we can not pretend it isn't there We are intimate and it does make me feel totally in love I just want to have sex with my husband we have been married for three years btw I make love with him everyday but sometimes we just want to have sex we don't need it perse as a relationship is alot more! thanks again! ~Chrissy
Author wildflowerchild98 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 i guess I upset people I am really sorry! I do support all your help! It was so funny today we cuddled and it felt like we were making love We just felt so close to each other that feeling you would have right after making love all nite It was undescribable really!! We will see what happens when he goes to the doc this week!
norajane Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I don't think you upset anyone! And don't worry about us, anyway. Whatever works for you and your husband is most important. I hope his doctor can help you two out. And if he can't seek a second opinion!
Author wildflowerchild98 Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Thanks I hope the doctor can help us out He goes to see them on Wed. Does anyone know what medication might work best???? We had a slight bump in the road this morning I started internalizing all of this and thinking stupid thoughts like maybe it is me and that he is not attracted to me well that hurt him he said that I would think that and that he can't give me all that I deserve and he started feeling bad which is not what I want I want to take this burden for him...I dunno I am just confused.... thanks again for all your help!~Chrissy
norajane Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I don't know anything about medications, but Viagra and Cialis and all those erection drugs seem to work great for guys with erectile dysfunction. The only question is how those drugs would interact with his diabetes or diabetes medication, and I have no idea if that's the case. They caution men with high blood pressure not to take the Viagra type drugs...I don't know if that applies in your husband's case. It's also possible, if he is taking some kind of meds for his diabetes, that they are affecting his erections. Perhaps they could change those to a different type, if that could be a problem.
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