Sandy223 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Just feeling blue ... met him almost two years ago ... he has been pursuing me ... long story short, finally gave it a shot (am giving it a shot) ... think he is in love with me ... we went away four weekends ago ... we have an emotional connection ... blah, blah, blah ... ... same story, different century ... know he is not in love with his W ... his youngest son is graduation HS this year (last child in the house); he and W are "partners" ... could I really be this stupid????? ... I have been out dating other men (who are single and available) ... not that into any of them, have two new up and coming dates with 2 brand new "available" men who seem interesting ... ... i am not dating MM out of lonliness ... I really believe that I am in love with him, and he with me .... at some point I will have to cut this off before I really fall in love to the point where I can't even go out with other men in my normal life ... ... tell me ... do these types of things really ever end up working out? I am trying to enjoy the love and the feelings without getting caught up about "tomorrow" ... but, I am concerned about my future too! At this point I am just trying not to think about "IT" .... and then I stumbled upon this board and decided to post ... in case anyone has any insight .... thank you for listening.
bentnotbroken Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 What about his W's future. Maybe you should ask her if what he says is really true, before you fall all the way in love that is?
Shannon2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 In RL, I have seen only ONE that worked out....he did leave his wife, but he never married the OW...never made a commitment to her. They live together though. It's safe to bet AGAINST it working out...Mine never did and I tried twice during his separation. It's not worth the pain..and the wasted years.
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Keep dating those single men. And get out of the relationship with MM...while you are in love him, your heart is really not open to falling for another man, not really. Why waste years of your life waiting for a MM and his W to decide your future for you? Take control of your own future.
LakesideDream Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Keep dating those single men. And get out of the relationship with MM...while you are in love him, your heart is really not open to falling for another man, not really. Why waste years of your life waiting for a MM and his W to decide your future for you? Take control of your own future. Worked out for my ex. After a 25 year marriage, kids new adults (youngest 18) she left to be with her High School boyfriend who she had and on and off affair with for our whole marriage (unknown to me). He left his wife of 23 years, and one high school aged boy behind. They are living happily ever after, married etc. Of course I let her go without conflict so her exit was reletively easy. So it does work for some.
Author Sandy223 Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Thank you everyone for your responses - I am not waiting for him at all ... and more concerned about my own future regardless of him ... This affair is actually forcing me to focus more on my own life without him .... I am so horrified about getting stuck and obesessing about tomorrow and "what could be with us" ... that I had been forcing myself into millions of extracurricular activities ... charities, girlfriends, dating, fashion shows, museums, the gym, reading everything I can get my hands on .... and now, at this point ... it is no longer "forced" ... I used my fear productively and drove myself into a more productive and full life - this is how I know that I love him vs. sitting around waiting for him... I am actually enjoying my life and all of these dates, and really do believe if not him, than someone else (probably better) .... I am certainly putting myself out there .... ... I really fought off this affair ... but he just kept coming after me ... and when I met him .... we had instant chemistry .... .... When I posted here I was just having a weak moment, and I am sure I will have more ... but tonight I feel good and am looking forward to the new dates with the single/available men ... I will not shut off my heart and sacrifice myself for this MM ... not in a million years ... I guess things will naturally end with us at some point ... or not ... but, either way .. (I hope, believe ... at least tongiht) ... I will end up OK because I am simply not putting myself in waiting mode ... if this man really loves me, he will chase me until he really gets me or someone else will ... I really do love him though ... but, I can't say that he is right for me ... if he is really right for me, and really does love me then he will not let me go .. .. .if he doesn't ... he will not ... I am not going to sit here and pretend that he is my soul mate when he is married to someone else .... only time will tell .... thanks again for listening everyone .. .and for not bashing or attacking me
signedin2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Do you have any guilt or shame at all for sleeping with someone's husband? The reason I am asking is that it all seem so calculated, self-centered and casual to you. It all seem about "what do I want, what do I get out of this, what will benefit me" without any regards whatsoever toward his wife who's marriage and life is being destroyed while you're having this fling with her husband.
jj33 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Sandy you sound really grounded about the whole thing not letting it consume your life. Nothing much to add in rare circumstances it works out. I hope it does for you. Signed in, I think you can pretty much take as read that most of us are not focusing on the BS much as you think we should be. There may be some guilt but obviously not enough to stop us from sleeping with someone else's spouse. I understand you have been hurt and that you and others think most of the OW/OM on here are defective in some manner because we have crossed that line, but if we hadn't crossed it we wouldnt be posting here would we?
bentnotbroken Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I don't think OM/OW are anymore defective than people who haven't chosen to be involved in affairs. But I do wonder how an AP can (in some cases)know the BS, interact with them and still sleep with the WS. I have never understood( and probably will never) how feelings are allowed to take control in only one aspect of a life. We control them everyday. If our boss pisses us off and we want to call them everything but a child of God, do we. That is called control. Someone pisses you off in a store or traffic and you want to slap them until their tongues wag, do you or do you control that feeling and emotion/ I realize that some people don't recognize vows or boundaries, but don't we all recognize pain? The intentional inflicting of pain is beyond me. There was once this guy a few years ago, nice, courteous and pretty good looking. He worked at the same place I volunteered. Well, he had seen some of Mr. Messy's treatment of me. He offered me a shoulder to cry on. That led to him offering me lunch. That led to him offering me dinner. That led to him offering for me to ride his pony. Tempting yes, hurting for his wife and Mr. Messy and my kids,yes. Worth me having to look at myself in the mirror everyday, nope.
Mino Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Sandy you sound really grounded about the whole thing not letting it consume your life. Nothing much to add in rare circumstances it works out. I hope it does for you. Signed in, I think you can pretty much take as read that most of us are not focusing on the BS much as you think we should be. There may be some guilt but obviously not enough to stop us from sleeping with someone else's spouse. I understand you have been hurt and that you and others think most of the OW/OM on here are defective in some manner because we have crossed that line, but if we hadn't crossed it we wouldnt be posting here would we? Thank you for putting it out there to sign in, Very well said JJ33;) we dont need a lecture tonight do we?
Author Sandy223 Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 thanks again everyone .... of course there is guilt involved, but no - i am not focusing on the BS at all .... I have nothing to do with their situation - I dion't know their whole story - I don't ask about her ... it's none of my business... Nor do I ask him to leave her or make demands ... He/they will handle their marraige as it is between them ... and He/I will handle our affair as it is between us .. yes, I know it contradictory, but this obviously, is not an ideal situation .... and obviously not something that someone sets out to do ... at least not in my case ... it just happened. Is it right? no ... but I am not going to hell either, and I don't wish anyone harm ... and I am sorry to say ... had nothing to do with their marraige falling apart if that is indeed the case (I don't ask questions about them.... ever) ... whatever led to this on his end, I was not there for ... for someone to do this ... have a pysical AND Emtional attachment/bond and affair with an OW? Something had to be brewing years before he even knew I existed.
signedin2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 He/they will handle their marraige as it is between them ... and He/I will handle our affair as it is between us .. yes, I know it contradictory, but this obviously, is not an ideal situation .... and obviously not something that someone sets out to do ... at least not in my case ... it just happened. It did not just happened. You chose and are choosing to do it.
berrieh Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I am against infidelity. I think it sucks for everyone involved (beyond morality: none of you can be truly "happy" in this state). But, yes, sometimes it does work out. *A friend of mine lost his wife (wasn't paying much attention to her, so the relationship had some major issues) to a male friend; his xW and friend are still together, 6 years later, living together and getting married in March. *My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom. Of course, he later cheated on my stepmom, too, but they're still together. ...I'm sure there are others. There are 3 reasons for cheating: a potentially fatal flaw in the main relationship, an undeniable "love" (not neccesarily love, but more than just sex/chemistry; that'd fall into reason 3) or connection with the person they cheat on, or they're just a cheater. Can be a combo too.
Agent_99 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Sandy~ Are you rationalizing yourself into the affair? How do you see it ending? How do you want it to end? When I went into my affair I KNEW it was temporary. She was not going to leave her gf, MW was always very upfront about that. So at first we enjoyed the moments we had. But as I fell deeper and deeper in love with her, I had more and more weak moments. How could I have not fallen for her more? I was basically getting all the good parts of her relationship with her gf. We had amazing chemistry. Wow. The end was almost unbearable, even though I was the one to finally end it. I was so incredibly heartbroken. Even though I knew it was ending for months. I was trying so hard to move on and date other people the last couple months. BUT it wasn't working because I was so atached to her. I still love her and I always will. But there comes a point where loving her meant letting her go. Hardest this I've ever had to do. Choosing to let someone I love go. ~99
Author Sandy223 Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 Hi all ... of course I am rationalizing I don't know how I see it ending ... I am not thinking that far ... but, it could go one of two ways - he leaves to be with me or he does not ... and if he does not, then he never loved me "enough" ... and if he doesn't love me "enough" ... someone else will ... so, either way I believe I will be OK and reach my goal ... which is to be with the man for me ... the man who loves me enough to be with me, and to build a life/future with me... .. I know it sounds rather selfish, but at this point in my life I want to live a rich and fulfilling life. I have gotten so burned in the past ... giving my heart away, getting hopeful only to have things not work out ... that I am now focusing on me. I have been so active and involved in my own life for the past year or so, and it is truly liberating ... have been more engaged now than ever with other people on all different levels ... not just romantic ... and involved in the community and intellectual pursuits. ... I am no longer one of those women who gives too much ... and haven't been guilty of that for at least the past 5 years or so .... over the past 5 years or so, however, I have learned how to become detached to outcomes while remaining open and not closing my heart at the same time ... this is the place I was at when I met this person ... about two years ago ... .... I truly remain open to meeting other men because that is what I want .... the best possible outcome for me and my life. If it is he ... the MM who makes the lifelong commitment to me, then great ... if not, then it wasn't meant to be and there really is (I truly believe this) someone better for me .... ... I am a firm believer that everyone comes into your life for a reason ... the feelings, in this case, were too strong for me to ignore ... and the relationship with the MM has a very intellectual core as well ... we share the same intellectual curiosity and there is a connection there on many levels ... ... anyway ... I am rambling again .. but, it is so strange ... because I feel very happy in my life ... happier than I have in a while ... this started before i met him, which is why I think he was attracted to me in the first place ... AND, I have absolutely NO IDEA whatsoever how things are going to unfold ... or how the chips will fall .. but, I do know this: I am hellbent on continuiing to have a happy and fulfilling life regardless ... there are other people in this world and the one who is supposed to be here with me for the long haul will ... If it is not him, then it's not him... and, this is not something that I can lose sleep over. Why, you ask? Because if is is not him (the one for me), then I will be happy that I did not end up with the wrong person.
jaffas Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 would you rather be with a whole person or half a person? right now he has the best of both worlds, all of you and all of his W. but both you and his W are only getting half a person in him. who'd want that?
Author Sandy223 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 I would rather be with the whole person ... this can't go on indefinitely ... something will give.
Author Sandy223 Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 ... oh, Jaffas .. I am definitely in love with him ... but he doesn't have all of me. It's bad enough I am doing this ... giving him all of me would destroy me.
SierraRose Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 IMO, I think each situation is different; however, chances having a successful R with a MM will not work. For one, he is already in a committed relationship. I don't care what excuses he has..children, money,,whatever. If M is over, then he should end it. Many MM involved in A have had OW before. You can end it and stick to your guns; don't be upset when he gets AOW. OW all have their own reasons for getting involved with MM. THe one's who are waiting patently for the H to leave, on the hopes of one day having him all to yourself are slim to none. It's not a healthy relationship to begin with, so why torture yourself? Tell him you love him, but will no longer tolerate being second best. Start NC. The worst thing that could happen is you never talk to him again and move on to a loving, healthy AVAILABLE man which leads to a successful LTR...
frannie Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 THe one's who are waiting patently for the H to leave, on the hopes of one day having him all to yourself are slim to none. It's not a healthy relationship to begin with, so why torture yourself? Tell him you love him, but will no longer tolerate being second best. Start NC. The worst thing that could happen is you never talk to him again and move on to a loving, healthy AVAILABLE man which leads to a successful LTR... But she already said she wasn't waiting patiently for him to leave, but was getting on with her life as best as possible, and accepting that if he doesn't make a move then it wasn't meant to be. I think that's as good a way of approaching this as anything. From personal experience I know that NC doesn't always 'work' in getting rid of feelings, doesn't always allow you to 'move on'. I think at times it's far better to stay engaged until you're really, truly, through and have no desire to be with them any longer. It's perfectly possible to be NC for months or years and still be stuck mentally and emotionally with MM. I know because I was there! I think if that's the case, and you're not hurting too much, its far better to stick it out with LC perhaps, until you're really able to move on naturally. NC can be brutal, and counter-productive. Once again, just my experience and I know it's not everyone's. Sandy, I think reading most of your posts here you've got a good attitude to the situation. Though I know how hard it is... living for the moment and what it brings, and trying not to do what's natural: look to the future with the man you love.
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