Sex on the 2nd date a dealbreaker?

[RecordProducer]

Honestly I would be skeptical of her if we had sex after a few dates. Even if she convinces me she never done something like this so fast, I would still have doubts. I would think If she slept with me this fast then she probably sleeps with other guys just as fast too. But thats just me.

 

But if I really like her, i guess it wouldnt bother me so much after a while. It's just the chase is gone. I perfer some chase and excitement in my life otherwise I'll probably get bored of her quick and down the dumpster she goes. Sorry if that sounded mean but it works the other way too.

You sound like a small-town, religiously raised redneck!

[SushiX]

You sound like a small-town, religiously raised redneck!

 

It doesn't matter how I sound or who I am. Name calling isn't going to solve anything. That's just immature. I am just speaking for most men I know. There are men who are perfectly fine with this. But a majority would agree that this kills off any excitement.

 

The chase I'm talking about isn't all about getting laid. It's part of the courting phase. If she gives it up too soon then the male would feel theres no need to court her anymore. And the excitement is gone. We want excitement in our lives too!

[RecordProducer]

It doesn't matter how I sound or who I am. Name calling isn't going to solve anything. That's just immature.

I agree and I apologize for offending you. But I would tell you the same thing if you were my best buddy.

 

I am just speaking for most men I know. There are men who are perfectly fine with this. But a majority would agree that this kills off any excitement.

Speak for yourself. For me sex always happens spontaneously, men never think I am an easy girl, they always end up proposing to me eventually. I am talking about the men I cared about, not the casual encounters that came and went. But I also happen to have long, long conversations with men before we meet in person or we're friends for some time. It's very early in the relationship when sex takes place and nobody has had a problem with that.

 

The chase I'm talking about isn't all about getting laid. It's part of the courting phase. If she gives it up too soon then the male would feel theres no need to court her anymore. And the excitement is gone. We want excitement in our lives too!

Why is courting related to getting sex and then it should stop? We are not animals. I would hate to think of intimacy as "the end of the challenge."

[marlena]

I would hate to think of intimacy as "the end of the challenge."

 

I agree. If a man considers intimacy "the end of the challenge" then, he is a very immature,selfish,boring,unimaginative little boy with quite a few hang ups OR he was just after sex to begin with and couldn't give a rat's arse about the woman. When two mature people are really into one another, sex is the beginning of a fascinating journey towards exploring and dicovering eachother. Nothing can be more thrilling.

[SushiX]

 

Speak for yourself. For me sex always happens spontaneously, men never think I am an easy girl, they always end up proposing to me eventually. I am talking about the men I cared about, not the casual encounters that came and went. But I also happen to have long, long conversations with men before we meet in person or we're friends for some time. It's very early in the relationship when sex takes place and nobody has had a problem with that.

 

Why is courting related to getting sex and then it should stop? We are not animals. I would hate to think of intimacy as "the end of the challenge."

 

How do you know men never think you're an easy girl? Some men would say anything just to get into a women's panties. Everyone knows that. They'll tell you they love you, want to marry you, all that and more. Don't be so naive.

 

Obviously some men thought you were easy because of the casual encounters that came and went in your life like you stated.

 

Yes, I am speaking for most men I know. Sorry ladies, but there are men out there just looking for sex. If you give it up too early then it is "the end of challenge" for him. Why not prolong it and see if he really likes you or just in it for the sex?? Just hold out a little longer, he might actually like you.

[berrieh]

The chase I'm talking about isn't all about getting laid. It's part of the courting phase. If she gives it up too soon then the male would feel theres no need to court her anymore. And the excitement is gone. We want excitement in our lives too!

 

But that chase IS about getting laid, because you just said that's where it ends, if that's where you feel it stops. I want a man who's always courting me (or at least for quite some time, even beyond marriage!). That's how my stepfather is with my mother --he's still courting her now, 12 years in.

 

I want a man who wants to chase me to make me -- and keep me -- his. Not a man who wants to chase me to get laid. Two very different things.

 

And I hate the phrase "gives it up" -- that goes back to what I said about sex being transactional; that's a very transactional phrase.

[berrieh]

Yes, I am speaking for most men I know. Sorry ladies, but there are men out there just looking for sex. If you give it up too early then it is "the end of challenge" for him. Why not prolong it and see if he really likes you or just in it for the sex?? Just hold out a little longer, he might actually like you.

 

I normally don't have sex quite so quickly as this time, but there's a danger in prolonging it, too -- and it comes down to just what you said here: a guy who was originally just in it for the sex might pretend he likes you so long, he actually falls for it.

 

I do believe sex would be "the end of the challenge" for those guys just looking for sex. And, of course, I'd rather not have sex with those guys. But even more, I'd rather not have a relationship with those guys (been there, done that, was a miserable 2 and half years).

 

Prolonging it doesn't see if he really likes you, if you're talking about the guys who like a challenge. (It might give him an opportunity to realize he really likes you, or it might not.) Regardless of when I sleep with them, at this stage in my life, I'd rather date guys who are craving a relationship -- they definitely do exist.

[LittleDove]

Okay....this one has me thinking.

 

I had sex with egox the same day we met, but we had been in a LDR for a few weeks prior.

 

If I met a guy right now, today..who I liked, id wait until the second 'date'

 

If a guy is so shallow he judges me for having chemistry and being confident enough to act on my intuition that sex, then better I know this sooner rather than later.

 

ALSO, I am a very sexual person, it IS an important factor in a relationship for me, so if theres no chemistry, im probably not going on a second date...

 

and if it totally sucked, I wouldnt go on a third date!

 

So for me, 2nd date sex, would be perfect...and take things from there...sexual tension is nice, but sex is even better!!

[SushiX]

 

Prolonging it doesn't see if he really likes you, if you're talking about the guys who like a challenge. (It might give him an opportunity to realize he really likes you, or it might not.) Regardless of when I sleep with them, at this stage in my life, I'd rather date guys who are craving a relationship -- they definitely do exist.

 

All i'm saying is if you prolong the courting phase and not give in so soon then you'll probably have a higher chance of finding a guy that's craving a relationship and not just sex. Because there are guys out there just looking for sex wether you like that or not, its a fact.

 

Sex is a deal breaker for some men if it happens too soon. If it wasn't, you wouldn't need to create this thread asking this question now would you?

[berrieh]

All i'm saying is if you prolong the courting phase and not give in so soon then you'll probably have a higher chance of finding a guy that's craving a relationship and not just sex. Because there are guys out there just looking for sex wether you like that or not, its a fact.

 

Sex is a deal breaker for some men if it happens too soon. If it wasn't, you wouldn't need to create this thread asking this question now would you?

 

Two separate issues. I know it can be a dealbreaker, but I meant for different reasons than it being "too easy." (Like he'd think I sleep with everyone and he was nothing special... which is far from the truth, ironically. I've barely slept with anyone.)

 

I do agree there are some men out for sex. I disagree that waiting helps you spot them because sometimes the "waiting" keeps them around, rather than weeds them out...and that's (having sex later with a man who's just in it for sex) even worse than having sex early with a man who's just in it for sex.

 

Luckily, I'm sure it isn't an issue with this guy anymore, and he seems to feel sufficiently special. Though I think this thread is an interesting analysis of sexuality in general.

 

I hate phrases like "give in" or "give it up" or anything that makes it seem like sex is some prize to be hoarded and then used in a transactional manner.

[SushiX]

 

I do agree there are some men out for sex. I disagree that waiting helps you spot them because sometimes the "waiting" keeps them around, rather than weeds them out...and that's (having sex later with a man who's just in it for sex) even worse than having sex early with a man who's just in it for sex.

 

 

So you're telling me that your way of weeding out men that only want sex is to sleep with them early on? Whatever works for you but this is not how most men would see it. Even a man that wanted a relationship with you may think otherwise. He might not feel special anymore, might get bored, no chase, whatevers.

[carhill]

If they're both on the same page regarding the value and meaning of the sexual intimacy they're sharing, nothing else really matters.

 

IME, it's discovering that "same page" part which becomes the sticky wicket for some. It sounds like the OP has some reservations in the back of her mind, so working through them is healthy.

[SushiX]

If they're both on the same page regarding the value and meaning of the sexual intimacy they're sharing, nothing else really matters.

 

IME, it's discovering that "same page" part which becomes the sticky wicket for some. It sounds like the OP has some reservations in the back of her mind, so working through them is healthy.

 

Agreed! It's just some, or I should say most men are not on the same page when it comes to sexual intimacy. For me and most guys I know, its a deal breaker for sure if she gives it up too fast. But there are guys out there who don't care and willing to hop into bed quick too!

[ipetree]

I don't think when you had sex matters.

 

The only difference with men is

 

A. They will have sex with you if they like you.

B. They will have sex with you if they know they never want to see you again.

 

So the reason to wait would be to see if he wants to "earn it", or if he just meets lots of women off the internet or at bars, and beds them down on the first or second date.

 

If you do not care about going through many men, and having sex with many men, do not bother waiting. You could have a relationship out of a quick hook up easily. If you are what he is looking for. But my guess would be it was an easy conquest, and there can be hundreds of more lined up for him.

[SushiX]

I don't think when you had sex matters.

 

The only difference with men is

 

A. They will have sex with you if they like you.

B. They will have sex with you if they know they never want to see you again.

 

So the reason to wait would be to see if he wants to "earn it", or if he just meets lots of women off the internet or at bars, and beds them down on the first or second date.

 

If you do not care about going through many men, and having sex with many men, do not bother waiting. You could have a relationship out of a quick hook up easily. If you are what he is looking for. But my guess would be it was an easy conquest, and there can be hundreds of more lined up for him.

 

Agreed! Too easy of a conquest. Almost like taking candy from a baby.

[ipetree]

And at this point, you cannot call him a player, or have any ill will. He does not owe you anything.

 

If you care about whom you have sex with, and your numbers, then you would wait until a guy expresses his interest in many ways, over a period of time. If you do not care, then no harm, no foul.

 

Sure, you COULD sleep with a man immediately, fall in love, and be together. But sex for men is like being starving and eating a pizza. It might be a frozen pizza which is not that great, but he will still eat it. It might be the best pizza on Earth. But 99% of the time it is just a pizza to satisfy his hunger urge.

 

He may not be thinking of you as "too easy", but perhaps he was never interested in much other than sex with you. Guys usually know IMMEDIATELY what role a woman can play in their lives. If you give them sex right away, it is just a mutual exchange of sex. Nothing more is to be expected. More might happen, but that depends on other factors.

[berrieh]

So you're telling me that your way of weeding out men that only want sex is to sleep with them early on? Whatever works for you but this is not how most men would see it. Even a man that wanted a relationship with you may think otherwise. He might not feel special anymore, might get bored, no chase, whatevers.

 

I didn't actually say that. In fact, I don't often sleep with guys early on, or, really at all. There are very few guys I've liked enough in my life to sleep with (and I mean, count 'em on one hand few). I was just pointing out how "the chase" aspect is bad regardless (whether you sleep with those guys early or wait).

 

If they're both on the same page regarding the value and meaning of the sexual intimacy they're sharing, nothing else really matters.

 

IME, it's discovering that "same page" part which becomes the sticky wicket for some. It sounds like the OP has some reservations in the back of her mind, so working through them is healthy.

 

That IS what I was afraid of, I guess, but it does seem we are very much on the same page.

 

Guys usually know IMMEDIATELY what role a woman can play in their lives. If you give them sex right away, it is just a mutual exchange of sex. Nothing more is to be expected. More might happen, but that depends on other factors.

 

I would never expect more simply because I slept with someone. This man has led me to believe I can expect more through other words and actions recently. And, in this case, I feel like I trust them even more, because it's not like he's saying them to get in my pants.

 

It's funny -- what made me worried wasn't anything he said or did or anything that happened between US, but something a friend said. After a few more dates, I feel even more confident that if this doesn't work out, it will have nothing to do with when we had sex.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Oh, honey, I've had sex on the first date, sex on the second or third date, and I've done the waiting game too.

 

It doesn't matter.

 

If the guy is really into you, he will keep pursuing. If he isn't, he won't. Simple as that.

 

Forget about this "giving it up"crap. You don't want to be with men who view sex that way anyway. There are plenty of men who don't see it that way. Plenty. The guy who is into the chase is into the chase. If he is not truly interested in who you are as a human being, then it does not matter when you have sex. When he gets it, he will be done. And you do not want him.

 

The guy who is fascinated with you will want to see you again, regardless.

[marlena]

Oh, honey, I've had sex on the first date, sex on the second or third date, and I've done the waiting game too.

 

It doesn't matter.

 

If the guy is really into you, he will keep pursuing. If he isn't, he won't. Simple as that.

 

Forget about this "giving it up"crap. You don't want to be with men who view sex that way anyway. There are plenty of men who don't see it that way. Plenty. The guy who is into the chase is into the chase. If he is not truly interested in who you are as a human being, then it does not matter when you have sex. When he gets it, he will be done. And you do not want him.

 

The guy who is fascinated with you will want to see you again, regardless.

 

I agree with every single word of this post. This is how I have always viewed the matter. If a man loses interest in me because I had sex with him right from the start,then, he most definitely isn't my kind of man so good riddance. I have no patience with little boys with hang-ups.

[SushiX]

 

If the guy is really into you, he will keep pursuing. If he isn't, he won't. Simple as that.

 

Forget about this "giving it up"crap. You don't want to be with men who view sex that way anyway. There are plenty of men who don't see it that way. Plenty. The guy who is into the chase is into the chase. If he is not truly interested in who you are as a human being, then it does not matter when you have sex. When he gets it, he will be done. And you do not want him.

 

The guy who is fascinated with you will want to see you again, regardless.

 

But what happens if she really likes this guy and he just happens to be one of those guys who likes the chase. Its easy for anyone to say " dump him if he doesn't want you" but its actually quite complicated once you really like someone. Easier said than done.

 

And for OP, you should really direct this question for men only because you already know how women will reply to your question. If you want unbiased answers, you should ask men. Seriously, what woman is going to agree that sex on 2nd date will spell doom? No woman wants to deal with this double standard crap. I know its unfair for women, but men have the advantage here. Now seriously think about this...

[ipetree]

No woman wants to deal with this double standard crap. I know its unfair for women, but men have the advantage here. Now seriously think about this...

 

 

I personally, do not judge a woman on when she has sex. I do know however, many men do.

 

And secondly, perhaps there is not really a double standard for these men. Being a woman, the most important thing you can give a man is your body. So, in a way, "he has you". As you said, you only gave it to 4 men in your life.

 

How often do we hear "Women like a challenge, they do not like doormat nice guys" "Guys do not express feelings early, you will be a wuss"

 

If you look at it like that, women are EXTREMELY turned off if a man expresses feelings verbally in the early going. Some men are turned off in the same way if you give them your body in the early going. Both sexes MIGHT and OFTEN DO perceive the other as having "less value" if it is logical or not. Just in different ways.

[berrieh]

And secondly, perhaps there is not really a double standard for these men. Being a woman, the most important thing you can give a man is your body. So, in a way, "he has you". As you said, you only gave it to 4 men in your life.

 

How often do we hear "Women like a challenge, they do not like doormat nice guys" "Guys do not express feelings early, you will be a wuss"

 

If you look at it like that, women are EXTREMELY turned off if a man expresses feelings verbally in the early going. Some men are turned off in the same way if you give them your body in the early going. Both sexes MIGHT and OFTEN DO perceive the other as having "less value" if it is logical or not. Just in different ways.

 

Interesting theory. I'm not turned off if a man expresses feelings early on neccesarily... only if he expresses feelings before I reciprocate them. (As I am turned off if a man expresses sexual advances before I reciprocate, or I imagine a man would be if I expressed sexual advances before he reciprocates.)

 

I don't think women, in general, care about "how early" a man expresses their feelings... if it's a guy they really like. Now, if it's a guy they don't really like, it becomes awkward. That's the only reason not to express feelings early. Because they might not be reciprocated, whereas if you allow time, the idea is you might "grow on her."

 

Personally, that's never happened to me (a guy growing on me) and I've had several guys express feelings pretty early on. The only ones its been detrimental to are the ones I didn't really dig anyway.

[berrieh]

But what happens if she really likes this guy and he just happens to be one of those guys who likes the chase. Its easy for anyone to say " dump him if he doesn't want you" but its actually quite complicated once you really like someone. Easier said than done.

 

True, though honestly, I hate dating those "chase" guys. Way too exhausting in the long run. So, I wouldn't mind losing one of those. My worry was more it would tarnish my "quality" in his eyes (but he seems to pretty much believe I don't sleep around). He doesn't seem to be a "chase" guy, thank goodness.

 

Funnily enough, when I asked a few of my guy friends in real life, they rolled my eyes at me mostly, because they thought the whole controversy was pretty stupid. One said, "Counting dates is stupid. That's like guys who count days before calling, or before saying they like you, or whatever. I think guys just basically want things to flow, without drama, and to be with a girl they like. If they're looking for a relationship, things flow, and they like the girl, that's when things work out." (a few other guys agreed with him, and it made sense to me, based on my experience)

 

Of course, my guy friends are awesome guys, most of whom are either in relationships or want to be at this point in their lives, and none of them are really the "chase" type in terms of sex (quite a few have a good "courting" streak though, including this guy).

[kdark]

I was with a girl who slept with me on the first date, and I also had fleeting thoughts of "what kind of girl is she who would do this?" Mostly those thoughts occurred during the act, but after we parted ways after a wonderful date that continuously got longer and longer because we both wanted to spend more time together, I realized that I really dug this girl, she dug really dug me, so where is the harm?

 

This has been said by the girls in this thread, but guys who hold women to the double standard of looking like a slut if she sleeps with someone on the first date are more interested with playing games with women then actually getting to know them as a person. Guys who use this as a red flag that she isn't worth his time, need to spend less time putting up artificial warning signs in their mind that mean nothing, and just appreciate and hold on to the the very possible idea that this girl might, just might, actually enjoy being with you that much that she felt that sleeping you would be amazing on both an emotional and physical level...

[SushiX]

I was with a girl who slept with me on the first date, and I also had fleeting thoughts of "what kind of girl is she who would do this?" Mostly those thoughts occurred during the act, but after we parted ways after a wonderful date that continuously got longer and longer because we both wanted to spend more time together, I realized that I really dug this girl, she dug really dug me, so where is the harm?

 

This has been said by the girls in this thread, but guys who hold women to the double standard of looking like a slut if she sleeps with someone on the first date are more interested with playing games with women then actually getting to know them as a person. Guys who use this as a red flag that she isn't worth his time, need to spend less time putting up artificial warning signs in their mind that mean nothing, and just appreciate and hold on to the the very possible idea that this girl might, just might, actually enjoy being with you that much that she felt that sleeping you would be amazing on both an emotional and physical level...

 

I guess this depends on personal experience. Seems like you had a great experience with this. My experience has been that she slept with me on 2nd date then slept with another guy 1 week later. So for me I dont think it's an artificial warning sign at all. I really liked her too, so yeah I gotta be more cautious. This is why I'm skeptical about girls that sleep with me too soon. Afterall, real relationships requires alot of patience. Too soon and everything can fall apart.