berrieh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 So, I'll say the obligatory "I've never done this before" -- but it's true! Usually, I wait quite awhile to sleep with a guy (and my number is still really low for my age -- mid-twenties and I can count 'em on one hand still). But recently I had sex with a guy on the 2nd date... and we didn't really know each other much before, though it did take us almost 2 weeks to arrange the first date after meeting briefly (at a bar of all places) because my life was crazy-busy at the time and I kept having to reschedule. To make it worse, the 2nd date was the same week as the 1st date! To his credit, the guy hasn't gotten weird. We had a third sorta date (more group thing, his friends) and have a fourth date planned for this week. He texts regularly. He is communicative, seems interested, and his friends indicated he couldn't stop talking about me (re: how smart and cool and literate I was). I know I don't sleep around. He says he doesn't sleep around. Everything indicates that there's no loss of respect or admiration. But society has apparently succeeded in implanting the shame gland into me, because there's a small part of me worried that I've somehow "ruined everything." So, does sex on the 2nd date spell doom? Or can it just mean that we happened to really click and both acknowledged it? Thoughts?
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 To make it worse, the 2nd date was the same week as the 1st date! lol that's funny
oceangrl Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Having sex on the 2nd date doesn't ruin a relationship. The two of you must have amazing chemistry....my bf and I had the same too and I felt lucky, not shamed....to find someone with chemistry like that. You make your own rules and just because other people wait....doesn't mean you need to too.
mental_traveller Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Sex on a 2nd date means you fancy each a lot and is a good sign, not a bad one. Relax and enjoy!
alphamale Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 So, does sex on the 2nd date spell doom? Or can it just mean that we happened to really click and both acknowledged it? Thoughts? i've slept w/ women on teh 1st date and had a 6 month relationship with them and then on the other hand i've waited to sleep with women until the 6th or 7th date and never saw them again. its pretty much random. some new study came out this year that said sex even on the 1st date is not necessarily the kiss of death
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 It can spell doom, but in your case, it certainly doesn't sound like it! He introduced you to his friends on the next date (and YES, that WAS a date!), and he's already asked you for another date and he's communicating with you. All systems go. If you were doomed, you wouldn't have heard from him since you slept with him. When they drop you right after you have sex, that means that's all they were looking for in the first place. So you were doomed from the start.
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Having sex on the 2nd date doesn't ruin a relationship. The two of you must have amazing chemistry....my bf and I had the same too and I felt lucky, not shamed....to find someone with chemistry like that. You make your own rules and just because other people wait....doesn't mean you need to too. OP there's no correct method here. Although for me when I waited 3-4 months in were the relationships that lasted the longest. My older sister, she slept with him on the first date and he didn't call her for a month or so after that, they eventually went on a 2nd date and now they're married. My one friend is 29 has only been with two people, the third was a guy she dated for 5 months and he was the one who wanted to wait, he brought her to family functions, he met her family, etc., and then they finally did the deed and poof he was gone, never called her again.
Author berrieh Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Glad to hear some reassuring words since this guy seems really cool and I'd be kicking myself if sleeping with him so early messes things up! I guess my biggest worry was the "quality girl" issue: The "She does this with everyone" idea. This guy seems to really dig quality, and I consider myself a quality gal (pretty sure he seems to so far, too), so that's important to me. One of his friends (really wasted) even said that this guy is really picky about how smart the girls he dates are. (Said friend also approved that I was as smart as New Boy was "gushing" I was.) So, I took that as a good sign... But, you know, I don't like to get ahead of myself with optimism. One day at a time!
amymarieca Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I will put it to you this way. Do you really want to date someone who would judge you for doing the same act he did? Probably not. Guys that judge me for this kind of BS can kiss my behind. I really hate this double standard.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Yeah, if he's going to judge you for that, he's a child and not worth your time anyway. Sounds like he won't, though. And this means more hot sex for you -- always a good thing.
marlena Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 When you have sex with someone has nothing to do with anything! If it does, then, you are with the wrong person.
EYECANDY000 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I haven't read the other threads yet, but you shouldn't feel guilty if you two had so much chemistry with each other and you connected on a more personal level. Would it wouls have made a difference if you waited 3 months and he slept with you and. Never returned your calls. I say enjoy it and see where it goesdont get so caught up in what society ans statistics have to say. Just enjoy your life, make wise choices and be safe!
itgirlragdoll Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I had sex with my boyfriend on our first date and we have been together 7 months. My last boyfriend and I slept together on the first date also and we had a 3 month relationship (ended by me). My two cents... I'm a very sexual person, and I don't think there's any shame in having some (safe) fun early on if you feel some chemistry. Besides, I like to know if there's chemistry in the bedroom before things get too serious. I maintain the opinion that if a guy ditches you after sex on the first/second/whatever date, it means... a) he wasn't that into you in the first place and wouldn't have been, sex or no sex. b) he felt you didn't have a connection in bed or found he was not physically attracted to you in bed. And besides, let's say I'm wrong, and a guy dumps a girl he genuinely likes, has chemistry with, and is attracted to, simply because she slept with him early in the game and he feels that makes her a "slut." Who wants to be with such a hypocritical, judgemental arsehole anyways? :]
SushiX Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Honestly I would be skeptical of her if we had sex after a few dates. Even if she convinces me she never done something like this so fast, I would still have doubts. I would think If she slept with me this fast then she probably sleeps with other guys just as fast too. But thats just me. But if I really like her, i guess it wouldnt bother me so much after a while. It's just the chase is gone. I perfer some chase and excitement in my life otherwise I'll probably get bored of her quick and down the dumpster she goes. Sorry if that sounded mean but it works the other way too.
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Honestly I would be skeptical of her if we had sex after a few dates. So you would turn her down and not have the sex, right? Ahahahaha, come off it you hypocrite! If you don't want a girl to bonk you on the 1st or 2nd date, there's a simple solution - DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER until the 3rd date or later.
SushiX Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 So you would turn her down and not have the sex, right? Ahahahaha, come off it you hypocrite! If you don't want a girl to bonk you on the 1st or 2nd date, there's a simple solution - DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER until the 3rd date or later. What are you talking about? I never said I wouldnt have sex with her if she down for it. Of course I would. I'd tear it up. lol. It's just I wouldn't respect her as much. I know its a double standard, but thats how most men see it. Sorry.
itgirlragdoll Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 What are you talking about? I never said I wouldnt have sex with her if she down for it. Of course I would. I'd tear it up. lol. It's just I wouldn't respect her as much. I know its a double standard, but thats how most men see it. Sorry. And I repeat my earlier statement...who would want to be with such a hypocritical, judgemental arsehole anyways? :]
Author berrieh Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Well, can't go back now. I'm not even sure that, if I had the chance to re-do it, I wouldn't have slept with him when I did. I maybe would have waited till the third date... just out of convention. Things seem to be going just fine, and if something were to go wrong, I don't think it'd be this. Had another date this week already, and it was lovely. He asked me out again for this weekend, but I'm busy. I perfer some chase and excitement in my life otherwise I'll probably get bored of her quick and down the dumpster she goes. Sorry if that sounded mean but it works the other way too. You know, I'm not much of a fan of "the chase" when it comes to sex. That makes sex sound like some kind of transaction or prize, and I hate both men and women who treat it that way. I'd rather have "the chase" be a guy wanting to get me to be with him (be his girl, spend my time with him, etc), rather than him "working" to get in my pants. I've spoken about this with different male friends, and I think different guys have different ideas of "the chase" (and at different stages in their lives, of course). I think the chase, as an adult, is more about keeping a separate identity and life -- rather than always being THERE and waiting. (Though I agree if you just become a "booty call" or something too early, that kills the chase.) I normally don't sleep with someone so quickly because (a) I'm kind of picky, so I just don't meet many folks I want to sleep with and (b) I want to figure out if the guy is bull****. (I do worry, as I said, that if I sleep with someone too quickly they won't believe I'm picky -- but so far, it seems like this guy does.) Not because I want to prolong some idea that sex is the endgoal. If sex is the endgoal of the chase, then why would anyone want a relationship? At my age (mid-twenties), I'd rather be with guys who enter into relationships because they're craving a relationship, rather than who will play along with a relationship because they want to get laid.
carhill Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 OP, how do you process the emotions of sexual intimacy? That dynamic, combined with your end-goal (whether it be dating, a STR, LTR or marriage) should guide your actions, IMO. IME, attraction and chemistry can have little to do with compatibility, normally found as the relationship matures, and compatibility is so important for a LTR or marriage. In any event, I do not judge you and wish the best for you. And, no, I would not have sex with a woman on the second date, even if she presented it to me. It's just not the way I'm wired, going back to my initial sentence in this post.
Author berrieh Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 To answer your question: I don't sleep with someone simply because of chemistry -- nowadays compatibility plays a much larger role in my attraction to someone. With this guy, I felt like I knew him almost instantaneously (before we went out) and we seem to have really stong compatibility; though we've had sex and both enjoyed it, the relationship doesn't feel primarily sexual (he calls me to talk about work problems, etc). (Whereas I had an ex of 2 and a half years in college, and sex was a major focus of that relationship.) I've never really had to think about "when" to have sex before. That ex in college was my first, and I've slept with a few others since -- mostly relatioships -- always when it seemed natural. I do like to have sex before entering into a relationship (mainly because entering into a relationship first and then having sex proved very dysfunctional for me) -- but it's pretty hard to get me into a relationship period. Nowadays, if I get into a relationship, I'm serious. As far as the emotions of sexual intimacy? I don't find them any different than the emotions of intimacy without sex. With this guy, for instance, we had a sense of immediate intimacy from Day 1 (now he could be like the ultimate player and totally bull****, but based on what I've seen since, I doubt it) so the sex hasn't really added a layer of emotions to process. If anything, it's been a means of processing. If that makes any sense.
carhill Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I'll give you some examples of compatibility from my years of being married.... High energy/low energy Socio-economic goals, strategies, and expectations What's important in life Family dynamics, especially family history You see, I thought my wife and I were quite "compatible" and didn't understand why we had such issues until our psychologist started working through them, one by one. The crux of our issues stemmed essentially from very different family dynamics and socialization. This wasn't evident (to me anyway) early on during our dating and engagement period. I understood and realized our histories were different but I did not know the extent of which the psychology of such differences could affect a LTR. With this guy, for instance, we had a sense of immediate intimacy from Day 1 (now he could be like the ultimate player and totally bull****, but based on what I've seen since, I doubt it) so the sex hasn't really added a layer of emotions to process. Are you saying that sexual intimacy hasn't changed the relationship dynamic for yourself? What would be the most immediate feeling you'd have right now if this guy stopped having sex with you, or vice versa? How would it, if at all, change your intimacy level? I'm trying to understand the process, as it is somewhat alien to me. Thanks
Author berrieh Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 I understand where you're coming from with the idea. I should say, I'm a highly intuitive person, and I tend to act fast and on instinct (not just relationships but jobs, moving, roommates, buying a car, etc). I'm not going to say I've NEVER made a mistake, but mostly, things work out well. I see your point completely (I actually have a background in family psychology and work in a related field)... and I think something similar happened to my parents as well. So, I agree that definitely happens. Are you saying that sexual intimacy hasn't changed the relationship dynamic for yourself? What would be the most immediate feeling you'd have right now if this guy stopped having sex with you, or vice versa? How would it, if at all, change your intimacy level? I'm trying to understand the process, as it is somewhat alien to me. Thanks If we stopped seeing each other altogether, I'd be bummed (because I really like him) but no more bummed than if we hadn't had sex. I'd be bummed because I like him! Or are you talking about if we stopped having sex but kept seeing each other? That'd be odd, I guess (unless there was some reason for it), but more because it would disrupt the natural flow of things... if you mean we'd actually "agree" not to have sex. Or if we just didn't? Hmm. Well, one time since we've had sex, we went out and didn't have sex. I didn't stay over because I had to get up early. Nothing was weird the next time.
carhill Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 To me, this is the beauty of LS...getting into the nitty gritty of stuff. Personally, I have enormous faith in what I like to call my "intuition". The process has been defining the rationale which qualifies those feelings. IOW, putting the "why" to the instinct. This is what I was attempting to get at in your situation. At this juncture, I'll withdraw any reservations I might have had prior, in your particular case. I do look forward to better understanding the sexual/emotional dynamic, especially how this particular one has differed from experiences in your past, if at all. Keep us posted on your progress. I look forward to it
Author berrieh Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 To me, this is the beauty of LS...getting into the nitty gritty of stuff. Personally, I have enormous faith in what I like to call my "intuition". The process has been defining the rationale which qualifies those feelings. IOW, putting the "why" to the instinct. This is what I was attempting to get at in your situation. At this juncture, I'll withdraw any reservations I might have had prior, in your particular case. I do look forward to better understanding the sexual/emotional dynamic, especially how this particular one has differed from experiences in your past, if at all. Keep us posted on your progress. I look forward to it It was a cool discussion and much to consider, beyond my original question. Actually, the whole discussion -- with everyone -- has helped me realize my own ideas about sex, which may not be conventionally acceptable.
D-Lish Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Hey B, I think if it had been a mistake, you'd KNOW it by now! Don't sweat it! Sometimes I wait for a few months, sometimes 3-4 dates...and I have had a one night stand or two in my day as well. As Alpha mentioned- I think it's a random pattern for a lot of us, often determined by a myriad of factors. I had sex with my latest guy on the "fourth date"... which was really the second time I saw him, but we spent 3 days together and had sex on the last day.... lol. Not sure how that counts... But things are still going strong. Sometimes it just feels right! When it feels right do it.
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