Should I let it go??? At wits end...

[jilted_in_pa]

Hello Everyone.

 

Been reading posts on this excellent forum for a few days now and decided to ask all you wise folks out there for your opinion.

 

Wow - how hard life can be sometimes!!!! I just found out a few weeks ago that my wife of 22 years had an affair with another married man. This was of course extremely devastating news and quite a shock to me since it doesn't seem to fit with her character. She has always seemed to be such a loving and caring wife and says she loves me and worships me more than anything.

 

Now an important detail is that she ended this affair 15-years ago and never had any contact with the other individual since and has never strayed before or since then during our marriage. And I do honestly believe her. She says she has hated herself every day for the past 15 years although never told me about the affair because she knows how obsessive/compulsive I can be about these sorts of things.

 

Now the problem is - I can't get this out of my head. My logical brain says I should let it go since it happened so long ago and that everyone can make a mistake and be truly sorry. She says she wishes she could change things and take it back. I also do know that I maybe was somewhat distant during that time in our relationship but never would have thought of cheating on her and always treated her with respect.

 

We have two children (now ages 13 and 17) and I am struggling as to whether to stay for the kids or not. I am seriously concerned that if I stay I will continue to bring up her affair and make things miserable for us.

 

For others out there, does it truly get easier to forgive and forget with time?

 

Another question - She admitted now what the other man's name is and he still lives in the general area. I am so tempted to call or write a letter to his wife informing him of her husband's infidelity. Problem is I don't have any hard evidence other than my wife's confession and of course her knowledge of intimate details of the other man's life and family (kids names, type of car he drove, where he worked, etc.).

 

Do others out there think I am being unreasonable in not being able to forgive something that happened so long ago (15 years ago!) ?

 

And what are thoughts as to whether I should inform the other man's wife or perhaps just talk to him about the affair?

 

I am struggling and obsessing with my thoughts and would appreciate any comments, insight or suggestions.

 

Thanks to all and take care!

[lkjh]

I feel you should inform the OM's wife but that is just what I believe. This is going to take awhile to get over if you choose to stay. How did you find out?

[whichwayisup]

This is a tough one. Is she worried that now he's closer he'll try to resume the affair? If yes, then there's your reason to tell his wife.. But, if you think your marriage is salvageable, and you want to give her a chance to make things right with you again, regain your love, respect and trust, then why tell this guys wife?

 

Did your wife confess after all these years or did you find out on your own?

[jilted_in_pa]

Thanks lknj for the quick reply and your thoughts.... She actually has become very spiritual in the past year. I think she has struggled with her "secret" for years and years and a few weeks ago kind of dropped a reference to the fact that she had made a mistake. I didn't even pick up on it at first, but kind of asked and she confessed and admitted what had happened.

 

She said the affair was with a man who worked in her department at work (same place I happened to work too!) and that it lasted about 6 months. She said she would meet him on occasions at local hotels or in his car, etc while she was supposedly in aerobics class (I guess not completely a lie since there was aerobic activity! lol). Anyway, this bothers me even more since at the time we had a 2-year old son and I stayed and had fun taking him to the park, etc. while mommy was out playing. I think her "abandonment' of her young child and her knowing that if i found out at the time, she would throw everything away is very distressing to me.

 

Thanks again for everyone's wisdom, opinions, suggestions, etc...

[jilted_in_pa]

Hi Whichwayisup,

 

Thanks for the reply. No she is not worried as she said she has no interest and that she definitively ended it 15 years ago and told the other man never to contact her again. And I honestly do believe she would never stray on me again. She says she realized she made a mistake and recommitted to us and never looked back after her mistake. She says she did it because at the time I wasn't giving her enough attention, and just fell for some older guy sweet talking her and lavishing her with compliments and talk. Which obviously was just to get into her pants.

 

She says she always loved me and wants us to always be together. And the really sad part is that she has been a good loving wife for the past 15 years. I just feel so betrayed that she witheld this secret from me for so long. But I guess she knows if I would have found out or if she would have told me 15 years ago, I would have kicked her out then!

 

She says the other man has never tried to contact her since and I don't believe there would be.

 

Is it wrong for me to want to make him suffer and feel the same pain I feel for their infidelity? I feel like the fool since he has "gotten away" with his little fling. Although I suppose he has to deal with his conscience if he has any.

 

Do folks thing it will make me feel better, bring me closure, or help me forgive my wife if I contact the other man's wife? I don't like how angry I have become and am not proud that I want to exact revenge or make anybody else suffer but I someone feel compelled to do so!

[signedin2008]

 

Do folks thing it will make me feel better, bring me closure, or help me forgive my wife if I contact the other man's wife? I don't like how angry I have become and am not proud that I want to exact revenge or make anybody else suffer but I someone feel compelled to do so!

 

There are thee main reasons you should tell his wife:

 

1) It will make you feel better that he does have to "pay" somewhat.

 

2) If you don't tell his wife, no one will and she will always be a fool and kept in the dark.

 

3) It's the right thing to do.

 

Did they use protection? Are you sure your two kids are yours biologically? How can you be sure that she's honest and telling you the whole truth including the time and the length of the affair?

[jilted_in_pa]

Thanks Signedin2008,

 

Well...I suppose I have no way to know for sure about the length and time of the affair. All I can say is that I do truly believe she is telling me the truth. And I do truly believe she is sorry and wants nothing more than to stay with me.

 

I do know the children are mine... I am half-japanese and both kids have a striking resemblance to me. Whereas the other man was completely caucasian as my wife is. She says they used protection and I suppose I have to believe her once again. Of course, my one child was already 2 at the time of the supposed affair and the other we had a couple years after the end of the affair (again supposed end of the affair).

 

But I agree that I also feel the other man's wife has the right to know what happened. I suppose the OM can just claim that I am some psycho making up a story. But at least he will have to lie and deal with his wife over it.

 

Can the OM file any legal complaints against me for making such contact and informing his wife. Would this be considered harrassment? In my opinion, him screwing my wife was the ultimate form of harrasment!

 

Of course, I know my wife was just as guilty as he in conducting the affair, but at least she has admitted her indiscretion.

 

Thanks again all!

[Curmudgeon]

Is it wrong for me to want to make him suffer and feel the same pain I feel for their infidelity? I feel like the fool since he has "gotten away" with his little fling. Although I suppose he has to deal with his conscience if he has any.

 

Do folks thing it will make me feel better, bring me closure, or help me forgive my wife if I contact the other man's wife? I don't like how angry I have become and am not proud that I want to exact revenge or make anybody else suffer but I someone feel compelled to do so!

 

A couple of things to consider. You don't know whether or not this is something he's done since with another or several others. Perhaps his wife already knows. Perhaps they're no longer married. If they are, do you wish to bring to her the same hurt that's been brought to you? If so, why? She's done nothing to harm you.

 

I think that if you contact her, rather than bringing you closure it will open the proverbial can of worms which, once opened, can rarely be closed again. Do you really want to take that chance.

 

This issue has lain dormant for 15 years. Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. What's done has been done for over a decade. At this late date I'd suggest either moving forward or moving out!

[pelicanpreacher]

Although this affair occured 15 years ago its revelation today makes it all fresh for you. I can almost see the gears turning in your head as you contemplate all the lies you were fed as you dedicated your life, time, and energy all these years to a marriage that has all been but an illusion. You're wondering if the impetus of her loving nature has been motivated by a true commitment of devotion or just the continuing manifestation of her guilt to make amends. You also have to wonder about the timing of all this for it certainly seems safe in her mind to divulge these facts now for she knows thay your are too completely invested in this marriage and children to walk out now without suffering major repercussions to yourself. You are in a very very very tough spot my friend for you've been sewn into a high tight corner of a web weaved closed by tacit lies over the passage of time which has limited your options severely.

[signedin2008]

 

Can the OM file any legal complaints against me for making such contact and informing his wife. Would this be considered harrassment? In my opinion, him screwing my wife was the ultimate form of harrasment!

 

Of course, I know my wife was just as guilty as he in conducting the affair, but at least she has admitted her indiscretion.

 

Thanks again all!

 

He suing you? For what...slander? You counter sue his ass back for losss of consortium and intentional infliction of emtional distress. Look at the big picture here. Ask yourself, is the slight chance that he might sue you (if ever) worth the chance to take this heavy burden out of your chest, head, mind, and heart?

 

If you were in his wife's shoes, would you want to know or would you rather remain a fool? All the questions I presented to you a personal questions which the answer might differ from individual to individual. Some people who were attacked choose to remain victim, some people choose to remain peaceful even wronged, some people fight back to get even or justice. Which category do you belong to?

[whichwayisup]

If anything, maybe you and your wife can talk to his wife. Why go at this alone since it was your wife who cheated on you, maybe SHE needs to face his wife and tell her what happened 15 years ago.

 

My concern though is, neither of you know what state their life is in, so if you choose to tell, be sure this is what you want to do. Opening that door could be a mistake, for so many reasons.

[Reggie]

IMO, you should disclose to his wife as she has a right to know who she is dealing with and can make a determination. I think that is right thing to do.

I know you believe your wife and, she did disclose this to you. So, there is a decent chance she is telling you the truth. But, remember, she , essentially, stole 15 years of your life by allowing you to stay under false pretenses. Perhaps a polygraph is in order.

How about IC for you to see if this is something you can live with. Folks are influenced by fear of being alone when they initially make a decison on this. For most people, this is something they cannot live with. Very few marriages surivive infidelity.

[lkjh]

I really disagree with people who say you shouldn't tell his wife. Especially when they say she may already know, if that is the case the big deal you are just giving info she already has. Also your wife may be sorry but the fact that she held out for 15 years better be a concern. She was a good wife because she felt the guilt.

[Steve L]

It will never leave your head , ever, ever. It will be with you the rest of your days. timeline doesnt matter, its fresh to you. I know what I had to do....Good Luck

[troubadour]

jiltid in pa...

 

I think you are misplacing your anger a bit. You should be angry with your wife... keep in mind that while you were taking care of your 2 year old son she was running to f... that dude behind your back. Than, very conveniently for her, she kept it secret from you for next 15 years. And when she became spiritual, again very conveniently for her, she decided to purify her soul by confessing her affair to you and dupmed a ton of s.... on you. It was 15 years after the affair. I don't know how much she told you about the affair but I can assure you of one thing... she didn't tell you everything about it.

 

Don't worry about the OM, my friend. You have much more serious problem to deal with at home.

[Owl]

What you're feeling isn't surprising at all. For her...this happened 15 years ago. She's had 15 years to process it.

 

For you...it happened the day you found out. You're only STARTING to process it.

 

Get into marriage counseling to help YOU deal with this...even if she doesn't 'need' it, its something that your marriage is likely to need. Check out a book..."Surviving an Affair". I don't recall if there is anything in there about long delays in finding out, but it still can help you process your reactions to this situation.

 

As far as telling his wife...I say its up to you. If you feel she needs to know, tell her. If you're doing it to 'get back at him'...its still something to consider, but consider the impacts to EVERYONE involved if that's your gameplan.

 

Don't feel bad because you're struggling with dealing with this...you just found out about it, and its a massively devestating emotional blow. The delay in learning about it doesn't change how you feel about it...but it might change how you end up dealing with it.

 

Look at it like this...the good news is that you've still got 15 years of good marriage SINCE then to look on as a base to recover from.

[2sure]

Wow. Something to think about. Coincidentally there are currently one or two other threads on here discussing whether the betrayed spouse should be told about an affair that just ended. I for one, chimed in that I thought the spouse should be told. But then, other posters came in with a number of reasons - all to save the marriage or the spouses heart - for not revealing the affair.

 

Your pain is fresh. You and your wife need to treat this like it just happened. And yes, as a BS myself I can tell you that there is recovery and that you can forgive, the images will fade. It is a tragedy, and like other terrible things, we live through them and find a place for them.

 

You have the added benefit of also haveing built a good foundation and history with your marriage. You have some good strong blocks to lean on.

 

On the other thread, I stated that telling the betrayed spouse was important. I think an affair is a life event that the betrayed spouse participated in without knowing and that just wrong whether it hurts them or not. I think your post is a good indication that not coming clean now, doesnt mean the past wont catch up. It almost always does. And you are hurt - finding out years later has not lessened that.

On the other hand, your wife realized at the time that she had made a terrible mistake, that she wanted the marriage - you were in a rough patch - she was very afraid of losing you. Not fair, but I get it.

[JustBreathe]

Jilted,

 

We were married 18 years when I learned of my H's double life (he was unfaithful for all but the first 3).

 

Why is it they have this tremendous wave of conscience just when they're getting closer to retirement age, having their mid-life crisis? When they feel the kids are getting older, and they are getting older and they're tired of feeling like the deceivers they have been. Suddenly, they feel compelled to start their lives fresh, clean the slate. With you in the picture all thankful for their disclosure and ready to launch yourself headlong into the great rebuilding process, hold their hand as they work through their guilt and distress. As if that were even possible for you. When you stand there eviscerated.

 

It felt and still feels to me like he (my H) is seeking absolution by a higher power, not my forgiveness. The assurance he will not have to live the rest of his life alone, not out of any great devotion or undying love for me.

 

I can't say this is the same for you.

 

Give it a year as it takes that long to stop reeling from shock and anger. There is no deadline for divorce. Your kids are used to having their parents 24/7. So you should try with her despite how unfair it all is. What is one more year when you've been married 22.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened.

[jilted_in_pa]

Thank you JustBreathe, 2sure, Owl, troubadour, and SteveL and others so far for all of your replies, advice and wisdom. How sad it is that so many of us have experienced such deep pain, hurt, confusion, angst and despair.

 

It seems that the jury is quite split as far as whether or not to inform the OM's wife. Perhaps I should just call and express my anger at the OM rather than informing the other wife. Maybe if he at least knows that I have found out about his past with my wife and I can express my anger that will help me. I guess I'm not sure it will make me feel better to hurt his wife as she never hurt me.

 

I'm still thinking about what to do... I know that the past 15 years with my wife have not been terrible...I guess sometimes "ignorance really is bliss"!

It just seems that I can't get this out of my head and for all of the good I think of, the bad keeps rushing back in.

 

I don't know if I should stay or go at this point.......

 

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!

[Reggie]

Look into some counseling for yourself to help you deal with this. It's a very tough ride and no one should go it alone.

[jilted_in_pa]

Thanks Reggie! I actually have a counseling appointment today at Noon. Hopefully counseling and time will heal. Because no matter if I stay or leave, I don't want to obsess and carry around all this anger. I feel it is eating away at me and will leave me unable to ever be happy and at peace again.

 

Happy Thanksgiving.

[Reggie]

Regardless of which path you ultimately choose, just know that everything you are feeling is very normal and healthy. I'd be worried about you if you were not all over the place with your feelings at this point.

It takes time to see the path clearly. It's not like TV or movies where all is better by the next scene.

[misternoname]

It sure makes me wonder why she waited 15 years to let this skeleton out of her closet. the timing is very strange. My gut reaction would be that something may be happening right now. Good luck...get into MC ASAP!

[Untouchable_Fire]

It seems that the jury is quite split as far as whether or not to inform the OM's wife. Perhaps I should just call and express my anger at the OM rather than informing the other wife. Maybe if he at least knows that I have found out about his past with my wife and I can express my anger that will help me. I guess I'm not sure it will make me feel better to hurt his wife as she never hurt me.

I'm still thinking about what to do... I know that the past 15 years with my wife have not been terrible...I guess sometimes "ignorance really is bliss"!

It just seems that I can't get this out of my head and for all of the good I think of, the bad keeps rushing back in.

I don't know if I should stay or go at this point.......

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!

 

Personally, I would contact the OM just to verify what your wife is telling you!

 

Is ignorance bliss? Do you enjoy being a fool? There are no perks to stupidity. She lied to you for 15 years and now is making you feel like it's just water under the bridge. If you buy all that you are stupid.

 

Here is the issue. You need to slap down some consequences. Business as usualy is not acceptable.

 

Start with paternity tests! I'm 99.9% sure that the kids are yours, but it delivers a clear message to her.

[pleasepleaseplease]

i say marriage counseling is in order.

telling his wife or confronting him will create a potentially uncontrollable

situation. your children will be forced to deal with it.

there are times in life when things are best kept within the relationship.

talk about it in a controlled environment such as a marriage counselors

office.

show your kids how to best deal with these tragic and painful life situations we all hope we never have to go through. 15 years is a long time ago.

i dont agree the last 15 years of your life were a waste. nor do i doubt your wife really loves you or that she was only being a loving good wife out of guilt. people are smarter than that.

people are unpredictable. people arent robots. one day your wife found herself in that situation. i believe she regrets it the same way anyone with 2 kids and a husband would.

let us know how it works out. good luck.