qwertyuiopasd Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Hey, My current girlfriend has a very close friend who is gay, but some of the things they do and the amount of contact they've had with each other has freaked me out a little. Bear in mind I've known her gay friend for quite some time and am 100% sure he is gay. Basically they text each other every single night, she stays with him at least 1 night per week and they always seem to sleep in the same bed with each other. I also found out from her that he disapproved of our relationship and that she thought it was because he was jealous. Now before you say anything understand that he's DEFINITELY gay. I just wanted to know if you think this relationship she has with him is normal and if I should put up with it. To me it just seems like they are more than friends, almost like an asexual couple or something. I would appreciate lots of advice as this has always been on my mind of late. Thanks - quertyuiopasd
Green Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 It would be unattractive if my gf hung out with some guy even if he was a gay old man who lost his dick in a war. Seriously go find a different gf this is a dealbreaker
SoStupid Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Cant really say i agree with it or think its normal, but it sounds like to me that your not comfortable in the situation and if your not then its not good or right senero in your mind.. the bottom line is.. you either accept it or move on I hate to be so harsh but it is what it is... You can always express your consern to her and if she cares then fine if she doesn't... RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angel1111 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I think your gf is delusional if she thinks any man in this world would be ok with this kind of behavior. She must think it's cute but I have no idea why.
JoeNat Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Have you voiced to her that your not comfy with this? That you would like her to stop sleeping with him? I mean wtf, that is nuts. I'm dealing with an ex BF who wants to be in her life and she is wanting this. I'm coming to a crossroads right now. Do I stay and deal or get out. I'm leaning towards getting out... I think you should do the same especially if you have told her and she is not willing to change. That is a sign of being selfish and is a sign of things to come in the future.
kashmir Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I have a solution - get him a boyfriend. Sounds like he needs one.
Author qwertyuiopasd Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Yeah I think that is the difference between us, she just doesn't seem to see the boundaries that are considered normal in a relationship and wants to have this close relationship with him and at the same time have me as well. It's very difficult to put up with. I have asked her about it and she has agreed to stop the bed sharing thing if I'm uncomfortable with it, but of course she has said I cannot ask her to choose between me and her friends, which I agree with to a certain degree. I think it's OK to have friends that you see every now and again but the relationship she has with him definitely makes me feel uncomfortable. I also just wish I could have the kind of girlfriend that naturally knows things like this are bound to cause conflict and that doesn't need to be told if you know what i mean? I know nobody can advise me what to do for myself, but I was just wondering, in your opinions what is appropriate and what is not for an ordinary relationship with regard to friends of the opposite sex who are gay? Do you see it as being the same as a female friend? I could always just look at things that way but my problem is that on some level I don't feel that such a close relationship would really exist without her friend being male, regardless of his orientation. He also lives quite a few miles away at the minute so in order to see him she has to travel and stay at his house and stay over. Where would you draw the line?
sscutie Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Well if he starts sticking his nose on your prsonal affairs then thats where you draw the line
JoeNat Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Yeah I think that is the difference between us, she just doesn't seem to see the boundaries that are considered normal in a relationship and wants to have this close relationship with him and at the same time have me as well. It's very difficult to put up with. I have asked her about it and she has agreed to stop the bed sharing thing if I'm uncomfortable with it, but of course she has said I cannot ask her to choose between me and her friends, which I agree with to a certain degree. I think it's OK to have friends that you see every now and again but the relationship she has with him definitely makes me feel uncomfortable. I also just wish I could have the kind of girlfriend that naturally knows things like this are bound to cause conflict and that doesn't need to be told if you know what i mean? I know nobody can advise me what to do for myself, but I was just wondering, in your opinions what is appropriate and what is not for an ordinary relationship with regard to friends of the opposite sex who are gay? Do you see it as being the same as a female friend? I could always just look at things that way but my problem is that on some level I don't feel that such a close relationship would really exist without her friend being male, regardless of his orientation. He also lives quite a few miles away at the minute so in order to see him she has to travel and stay at his house and stay over. Where would you draw the line? Yes, I so completely agree here. Why cant she get the fact that certain things cannot be done when you are in a serious relationship. Some females dont get that. I call them selfish. In regards to looking at the gay guy the same as a female I would say yes and no. Yes, because gay guys are just that gay. For the record I have no problem with gay people at all, had a very good friend of mine that was gay. Back to my point. No it is not the same because well, he is a male with male tools and thoughts. I would ask that the "closeness" between them stop but of course let them remain friends, just not the way they once were. Let this be a test, is she willing to bend for you to comfort you as you would her. I'm very much a 50/50 person. Give and take is what a relationship is all about. If one keeps giving and get nothing in return it is time to re-evulate the situation.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I have a relevant story that might be helpful to you. I have a gay friend (lives in another country where I used to live, too) who was somewhat threatened and possessive when I got a new boyfriend I was much closer to than the old one. At first I couldn't imagine why, but I eventually figured it out. There was nothing sexual between us whatsoever, but he would sometimes take me on fancy dates. He was not out at work, had kind of a high-profile job, and felt the need to showboat a date on occasion. I didn't mind because it was fun and he took me to exotic restaurants and concert halls with fascinating people from all over the world. I definitely felt that he treated me like a girlfriend sometimes (wanted to pay for everything, wanted to spend the whole day with me, complimented me, etc.), but as I said, there was absolutely NOTHING sexual going on. I am quite certain that for him, I was fulfilling a need for emotional closeness with a woman that he struggled to get with a man. In fact, when I moved back to the States, he took a huge role in helping me plan and orchestrate my going-away party, and he wanted to spend the night at my apartment my last night in town (in the other room) and drive me to the airport in the morning. He was crying a little when we said good-bye. Now, was this relationship a threat to my relationship with my boyfriend? No. He did like to spend time with me, but he respected my time and plans with my boyfriend and did not try to intrude. I have other gay friends now that I am also pretty close with. There's really something special about a male/female friendship in which sex is just not a factor. My recent ex was never threatened by these friendships, though. Of course, they all adored him because they thought he was superhot. I think you need to figure out exactly why you perceive this as a threat -- what are you afraid will happen? -- and then have a talk with your girlfriend about what your expectations are.
berrieh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Well, when I get into relationships, I stop bed-sharing (even platonic) with other men. I definitely think that's reasonable to ask. Beyond that, I'm not sure. I would be very unhappy if asked to give up my gay boyfriends for a new straight boyfriend -- maybe for a husband (and only then if he were willing to take on the shopping and bitching duties associated w/ the job!), but not a boyfriend. I have a gay male friend who has been my friend for years and years, and I know he'll be around years from now. Can you say the same about a boyfriend? I do think it's something for you guys to talk through and she shouldn't completely disregard your feelings -- but you should respect her life and her friendships as well; you'd want her to respect yours!
Sysyphus28 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Hey, My current girlfriend has a very close friend who is gay, but some of the things they do and the amount of contact they've had with each other has freaked me out a little. Bear in mind I've known her gay friend for quite some time and am 100% sure he is gay. Basically they text each other every single night, she stays with him at least 1 night per week and they always seem to sleep in the same bed with each other. I also found out from her that he disapproved of our relationship and that she thought it was because he was jealous. Now before you say anything understand that he's DEFINITELY gay. I just wanted to know if you think this relationship she has with him is normal and if I should put up with it. To me it just seems like they are more than friends, almost like an asexual couple or something. I would appreciate lots of advice as this has always been on my mind of late. Thanks - quertyuiopasd My ex had a best friend that was like her brother.............she would never do anything with him...ever! EVER! she said. She is with him now. Cheated on me with him. Left me for him. This dude might be bi-sexual and using the gay thing as a front. It is not appropriate for g/f to be sleeping in the bed with another man(gay or not). It is not appropriate. Be a man, and end this nonsense.
kashmir Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't care that she texts and sees her gay friend very often. If he was straight, it would obviously be different (that would be unreasonable for her even with the most secure boyfriend she could have). What I wouldn't like is her sleeping in the same bed and him saying he doesn't approve of me. The bed thing is a given. The last thing I want to hear, though, is whether he approves of her relationship with me. News flash, dude, but you don't have any say in what goes on with us. Stop trying to butt in and control something that is none of your business.
kashmir Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 My ex had a best friend that was like her brother.............she would never do anything with him...ever! EVER! she said. She is with him now. Cheated on me with him. Left me for him. This dude might be bi-sexual and using the gay thing as a front. It is not appropriate for g/f to be sleeping in the bed with another man(gay or not). It is not appropriate. Be a man, and end this nonsense. This might sound far-fetched, but I know a guy who pulled off getting with a girl by pretending to be gay. Girls are a lot more open and comfortable around gay guys because they know they're not there to hit on them. This guy approached this girl at a party and convinced her he was gay. She would always hang around with him. One day they were cuddling in his room and she told him how she liked him so much and how she wished he could like her. He got hard and her dream came true. You know how it ends.
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