msjules Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 My ex-boyfriend and I were best buddies for 3 1/2 years and dated for the last year and one month of our relationship. He broke up with me because he got laid off, he was having family problems, and he is trying to diet and finds it hard to do so and lose all the weight he needs to lose and be in a relationship. He said his life is a mess and he needs to focus on getting it back on the right track. At first he said it was a break and later he said it was permanent. It's been two months now since the breakup, and last week I emailed him to let him know how horribly have felt since he betrayed my trust (another bizarre story that I won't get into here). I had been trying to go NC and wasn't able to do it....I just needed to get some stuff off my chest first. Since I sent that email I have not been tempted to contact him even one time. I guess I needed to send it so that I could move on. He has not responded. I guess I was hoping for an apology. I thought he was that sort of guy. I was wrong. This is a man who for 3 1/2 years actively courted my friendship and trust. He knew that I had been in an abusive marriage and that I had major trust issues. For years now he has been in his own subtle ways playing himself up to be this great guy and everything. He is not the man I fell in love with. I fell in love with a mirage, a person that wasn't whole. He never in all that time showed me his faults until the end, and let me tell you, he has some major ones. It is helpful to me to realize that the person I thought I loved is a figment of my imagination. The person sitting 30 miles over in the next town is not the person I love. In fact, I don't like HIM very much at all. He is a food addict, a gambling addict, and he can be very irresponsible and cruel. I am grieving, but not for him. I am grieving what I thought he was. I worshipped an illusion and I will admit that I am somewhat responsible for that. He "forgot to come home" four times from the casino when he got caught up playing poker. I looked past that because I worshipped the man...the man in my imagination. Has anyone else found themselves to be in this situation? I think time and NC allows us to see people for who they really are, not who we imagined them to be.
EmperorR Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I know the feeling, the persoN i love the nice sweet smiling, always knew what to say to mkae me laugh, is gone dead. All that's life is a cold callous manipulative lying cheater. It's like a robot that just looks like my ex, and that's what hurts.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I definately imagined my ex to be more than he actually was. I pretended he was a good boyfriend when he really wasn't. I think its because I was scared of losing him, I did not want to break up, he wouldn't change, so instead of dropping him I just imagined him as better than he was, so I felt justified staying in a relationship.
Cabernet34 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 That is a great way to explain it. Been broke up for 3.5 months. I miss the girl that she was 5 months ago. The person that's been around for the last 4 months..... don't miss her too much at all.
JamesM Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Sometimes the person we wanted them to be is not the real person. Sometimes the person we imagine them to be after we lose/dump them is not the person they really are. The real person is somewhere in between. Romantic love causes us to focus on the strengths...real and imagined. However, grief and anger causes us to over focus on the weaknesses and faults. When we come to our senses, we actually find that the real person is a combination of both "images."
Chelle9203 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Yes, i definitely agree. After we broke up he changed from the most amazing, happy, smiling guy to something I have never seen before. He told me everyday how much he cared about me and how amazing I was and was so laid back and fun to be around. We then had to split and he turned into this guy who couldn't talk to me, miserable and trying things with his ex. He doesn't talk to me anymore and this guy I knew is completely gone. I like to think that with me he was himself, because i can't imagine his normal self being the way he is around his ex....but I guess it's possible because thats who he's with.
Author msjules Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Sometimes the person we wanted them to be is not the real person. Sometimes the person we imagine them to be after we lose/dump them is not the person they really are. The real person is somewhere in between. Romantic love causes us to focus on the strengths...real and imagined. However, grief and anger causes us to over focus on the weaknesses and faults. When we come to our senses, we actually find that the real person is a combination of both "images." Wow, that is really true. You are right. Perhaps with more time and more NC I will be able to see him as he really is.......I won't be blinded by love and no longer blinded by pain. Thank you.
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