xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Well just as I was starting to feel better and move forward with my life (I even got it on with a cute guy a few weeks ago!) I got a call out of the blue from MM and we spoke for over half an hour. I didnt know it was him as he called me on a private number. He just asked me how I was & did make a few sexual innuendos as well. He also questioned why I havent tried to call him! I asked what his intentions were and he sounded really offended and said he just wanted to find out how I was doing. He went on to say that his wife and kids are away until Thursday although he didnt suggest meeting. This is the first contact since 25th July this year after he just left me out in the cold after our last liason. I did suffer a great deal when he did a disappearing act, see my previous threads, and I honestly thought I would never hear from him again.
signedin2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Two questions for you: 1) Why are you still talking to him. 2) Why haven't you exposed him to his wife?
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 1. Im not the type to hold grudges and I didnt realize it was him calling as he witheld his number, when I answered I just acted friendly but not over keen. I didnt want him to think I was pleased to hear from him but on the other hand I didnt want him to think he was bothering or upsetting me. 2. It would open up a can of worms to expose him to his wife and wreck a young family, he has 4 kids under 16. What they dont know wont hurt them. However I do get the feeling he has probably had previous affairs so she may already know what hes like anyway.
jj33 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Just so long as you dont entertain the idea of ever ever seeing him again. You sound like you werent pleased which is good as its not a flattering call. I just called to see how you are when my W and kids are away until Thursday. Translated means, I had some time on my hands and thought maybe we could hook up while the family's away... he didnt ask (hes not that stupid) he was waiting to see if you might suggest seeing each other hence the sexual innuendo... Youve moved on you are getting over it. Dont let him take you back to that dark place it will only be a rerun of what you went through before.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Just so long as you dont entertain the idea of ever ever seeing him again. You sound like you werent pleased which is good as its not a flattering call. I just called to see how you are when my W and kids are away until Thursday. Translated means, I had some time on my hands and thought maybe we could hook up while the family's away... he didnt ask (hes not that stupid) he was waiting to see if you might suggest seeing each other hence the sexual innuendo... Youve moved on you are getting over it. Dont let him take you back to that dark place it will only be a rerun of what you went through before. I think he would have heard a change in me. When you think what I was like a few months back, I was desperately hankering after him. When we spoke I didnt sound bothered and was actually quite cryptic when he asked me things about myself, if its true about the mind games he supposedly played with me then he will probably be bored by now and not even bother suggesting a meeting. In the unlikely event he does call me again before Thursday to try and fit in a liason before the family get back I just hope I will be strong enough to tell him where to go.
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 You spoke to him way too long and in that short amount of time you confirmed for him that 1)you're still interested in him (he isn't stupid) 2)he can call you, possibly manipulate you into seeing him again since you engaged in a long conversation with him. The NC now means nothing in his eyes. He even flirted with you and hinted to see if you'd take the bait. In the unlikely event he does call me again before Thursday to try and fit in a liason before the family get back I just hope I will be strong enough to tell him where to go. You should be pissed that he even bothered contacting you after all these months. He has no respect for you, your feelings or how hard you've worked to get past this and all the improvement you've done. HE was thinking about himself, not you. HE may have missed you and ironic he called ONLY because his wife was out of Town. I hope you DO have the strength in you to say NO to him IF he calls and asks to get together.
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 In the unlikely event he does call me again before Thursday to try and fit in a liason before the family get back I just hope I will be strong enough to tell him where to go. Are you hoping that he calls? Did you leave that open for him? Or did you shut him down and tell him that you don't want to hear from him again? I hope you'll be strong enough to 1) not answer the phone, or 2) if he tricks you again with a non-identifiable number, you'll tell him that you don't want to talk to him. You shouldn't even give him the opening to ask you to hook up while his wife is out of town - don't talk to him. How insulting!
GreenEyedLady Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 OP: Know that if you get back together with him, it will be more of the same. And truth be told, if you do, you wouldn't be the first or the last OW to do it. Just keep your eyes open and don't tell yourself lies. See it for what it is. GEL
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 He's looking for a hookup, more than likely. Let's hope you are strong enough to tell him to shove it.
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 This is the first contact since 25th July this year after he just left me out in the cold after our last liason. I did suffer a great deal when he did a disappearing act, see my previous threads, and I honestly thought I would never hear from him again. Remember this IF he tries to call you again. Remember that pain he put you through, how you felt, and how he disppeared out of your life. Doesn't that make you angry that he had the balls to call you, after the way he treated you? I'm trying to push you back into the anger and pain so you WILL avoid him next time he calls. If an unknown or private number shows up on your call display, let the machine get it.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Well after acting really cool with him on the phone last night hes really started to get to me. I was doing so well getting over him, now Im waiting by the phone hoping he will call again before his wife and kids are back in town on Thursday. Its crazy. What did he hope to achieve by calling me last night? Seems like its all just a game to him and hes trying to mess with my head or something. Its almost like hes trying to wind me up by calling me then just leaving me out in the cold again like before. I assume he is getting a kick out of this but I cant understand how - since he doesnt see me he wont know how its affecting me. Its sick.
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 H, you have to look at your part in this and not put all the blame on him. You let yourself talk to him for more than half an hour. You're letting yourself sit by the phone in hopes he WILL call you, even though you know it's the wrong thing for YOU. Screw him and what he thinks/feels. YOU count. Hate to say it, but he doesn't care what affect this has on you, which is why he called. HE doesn't care. He put feelers out there to see if you'd take the bait and react, and you did. He got his ego feed.. Take the power and control back. Ignore him IF he calls you again! In the meantime, start making plans to get you out of your house, away from your phone. See friends or family, keep busy.
2sunny Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 what did he hope to achieve? he wanted to have sex with you. plain and simple. his wife is gone... he was looking for a sign from you that it could happen while she's away. don't answer his calls!
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 H, you have to look at your part in this and not put all the blame on him. You let yourself talk to him for more than half an hour. You're letting yourself sit by the phone in hopes he WILL call you, even though you know it's the wrong thing for YOU. Screw him and what he thinks/feels. YOU count. Hate to say it, but he doesn't care what affect this has on you, which is why he called. HE doesn't care. He put feelers out there to see if you'd take the bait and react, and you did. He got his ego feed.. Take the power and control back. Ignore him IF he calls you again! In the meantime, start making plans to get you out of your house, away from your phone. See friends or family, keep busy. I agree that perhaps I did let the conversation go on for too long yesterday. I was friendly but did play it cool though. I wasnt acting really keen and didnt suggest meeting when he gave me several chances to. So do you think he has had a big enough ego feed just by having a phone conversation with me? What a loser if thats the case. If you remember he always played dreadful mindgames with me over the summer which made me feel like I was going mad. And just when Im moving on with my life, he calls. Typical. OK so I should have kept it brief but I guess I was curious to know what he had to say having not heard from him in 4 months.
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 If you remember he always played dreadful mindgames with me over the summer which made me feel like I was going mad. I do. And I do get you were curious to see what he had to say, but what I don't get is, where's your anger? Did you tell him that you were pissed at him for abandoning you like he did? Just seems you were trying to stay neutral and kind of keep the door open .. Instead of yelling at him and telling him he had some nerve to call you after all these months and slammed the phone down on him (I wonder too if he was also feeling out to see IF you were mad at him, and if you were, HOW mad -But now he knows from the fact you spoke on the phone for more than half an hour, you aren't pissed at him) that way he would know what a real schmuck he truly is. During your call did anything get solved? Did you ask him questions, get some more closure? Or did this just stir up feelings and make you want him again? Stay strong and please screen your calls. Let your machine answer and then if it's someone you know, call them back. But, don't call him back!
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 I do. And I do get you were curious to see what he had to say, but what I don't get is, where's your anger? Did you tell him that you were pissed at him for abandoning you like he did? Just seems you were trying to stay neutral and kind of keep the door open .. Instead of yelling at him and telling him he had some nerve to call you after all these months and slammed the phone down on him (I wonder too if he was also feeling out to see IF you were mad at him, and if you were, HOW mad -But now he knows from the fact you spoke on the phone for more than half an hour, you aren't pissed at him) that way he would know what a real schmuck he truly is. During your call did anything get solved? Did you ask him questions, get some more closure? Or did this just stir up feelings and make you want him again? Stay strong and please screen your calls. Let your machine answer and then if it's someone you know, call them back. But, don't call him back! I didnt shout at him at all although youre right - he deserved for me to tell him what scum he is and just hang up. No nothing actually got solved during the conversation - of course I asked him why he hadnt called for 4 months after promising he would call a couple of days after the last liason at the end of July. He turned it round and asked me why I hadnt called him! Well for obvious reasons - fear of rejection, scared I may catch him with his wife, or if his W read what I sent/answered the phone etc. It gave me no closure whatsoever - in fact it does seem to have stirred up my feelings towards him and yes Im feeling like I want him again. Not nearly as painful as before obviously but enough to make me feel like Im going crazy. What did he hope to achieve from calling??? Especially when he didnt ask me to hook up with him, hence why I thought he may try again today. Urgh.
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 What did he hope to achieve from calling??? Especially when he didnt ask me to hook up with him, hence why I thought he may try again today. Urgh. He called, and threw the hook out by telling you his wife was out of town. You didn't take the bait by offering to get together - he wanted YOU to put yourself on the line, not him. So, he's moved on, probably made some more calls to see if any other woman he's hooked up with before would be open to some short-term-wifey-out-of-town action. What he didn't do was call because he loves you and is divorcing his wife to be with you. Please be clear about that.
Owl Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Exactly...this isn't rocket science at all. He called you while the wife and kids were out of town...potentially the first time in ages. So...she leaves...the first thing he does? He calls you hoping to make it a booty call. Plain and simple...and nothing more to it than that. He wanted to scratch an itch, and called you hoping you'd oblige. You're right...what you SHOULD have done was used this as a chance to vent on him about how you felt about the whole thing, and you should have made this a concrete boundary of NC going forward... What you did was left him hope that he might get some the NEXT time he calls. No boundaries set. And your mind is right back into the affair...as you noted, you've been sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. You've been here long enough to know the answers...you tell me...what should you do from here?
Treasa Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Maybe you've lucked out and he's moved on to the next woman on his booty call list. Do you want him to use you just for sex? Because honestly, that's all he's doing.
Angel1111 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 No nothing actually got solved during the conversation - of course I asked him why he hadnt called for 4 months after promising he would call a couple of days after the last liason at the end of July. He turned it round and asked me why I hadnt called him! What did he hope to achieve from calling??? Especially when he didnt ask me to hook up with him, hence why I thought he may try again today. Urgh. You're being extremely blind and I hope you wake up really soon before you get sucked back into this hell hole. What did he hope to accomplish???? Are you serious???? Several people here have already said it and they're dead on. He hoped to accomplish exactly this - to stir up your emotions, make you start thinking about him again, think about how you could be with him right now because his wife is out of town, have you wait by the phone, to make you feel warm and fuzzy because he contacted you after all this time - and most importantly, he wanted YOU to be the one to suggest getting together. If you don't believe that, then you're really kidding yourself. Women continually underestimate the lengths men will go to to get a woman in bed, and they misinterpret the cool facade they put up while doing it. I know a guy who used to work in a bar and he was handsome and loved to date lots of women. He had a method of getting women that he called the 'shotgun theory'. The shotgun theory meant that if you shoot at enough things, you're bound to hit something. In other words, if you hit on enough women, you're bound to get one of them in bed with you. And guys know that sometimes this will pay off, sometimes it won't. They can be very calculating and women can be very naive. Don't ever make the mistake that MM thinks the same way you do. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking that he values you over his wife and kids. So, you can remove all the crap and it comes down to this - MM likes you enough that he wants to sleep with you, but not enough that he wants to leave his marriage. If you're flattered by that, then by all means, call him up and arrange a hook-up before his significant other - the one he dumped you for without a word (and he'll do it again) - gets home. This is where you're making your mistake - you feel flattered by this call, flattered that he still thinks about you after all these months, and you think it actually means something. A lot of people here are telling you the absolute truth about what is going on - you need to listen to it. Because this MM has you exactly where he wants you and he knows you're dumb enough to fall for it. Sorry, I don't mean that you're dumb in general, but in this case, you are. You proved that to him just by talking to him. He saw it as an open door and will use it again. I hope that pisses you off and wakes you up because you're n an open book to him and he's using it to his advantage. I can't tell you how devastating this will be if you go back after all this time. Do not be flattered by this call. It doesn't matter if he loves you to the ends of the earth - which he doesn't because he wouldn've never dumped you the way he did - but even if he does love you, he's still married and he will remain that way. You are not a high priority to him. As far as you not being mad at him because you don't hold grudges, that's not really true. The real reason you don't get angry and cut him off is because your self-preservation instincts have gone dormant. It's common with women and this is what gets us into trouble. We think it's being nice, when it's actually being unprotective towards our own selves. It's one of the dumbest things we do. What kind of idiot man would ask a woman why she didn't call him??? Everything this guy does and says is so classic of married men. It's nauseating. The fact that he didn't answer your question proves that he didn't have a good answer. Wake up, hon. If you don't, you'll be back on this forum talking about how heartbroken you are...again. If he calls again, hang up on him. That's all the explanation he deserves.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Thank you to everyone for your very helpful responses over the last few days, prior to reading the latest posts from the last 2 days Im afraid I did something a bit silly, I feel like a fool admitting it on here but I guess I need to be honest. Well yes he did stir up old feelings and had me feeling psycho over him again - if he wanted to play a game with me then it certainly worked. After waiting until yesterday evening to see if he would call again (he actually had me fantasising about hopefully having a passionate encounter) I didnt hear anything further from him, and stupidly I sent a text asking if he wants to meet. And he didnt get back to me, and still hasn't. Urgh. So now its clear to me that he either had no intention of actually seeing me at all and just wanted to play mind games, or he wanted to meet me at that moment only for one thing. But, I dont feel so bad now - reading the latest on here has made me see some sense and also had a good talk with my sister about the situation and how to rectify the damage sending a text has potentially caused. We came to the conclusion that if he does call me again I will make out that I sent the message as a joke or a test to see if he still thinks with his penis, if he calls me it will look like he walked right into it. However if I hear nothing it will make me look a complete fool with MM rubbing hands in glee, satisfied he got what he wanted - to mess with my head and also confirmation that I still want him.
SierraRose Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 He made it clear. He was still married and wants sex. Don't waste your time...
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 We came to the conclusion that if he does call me again I will make out that I sent the message as a joke or a test to see if he still thinks with his penis, if he calls me it will look like he walked right into it. Don't bother. If he calls you or texts you back either ignore completely or reply back with F-OFF.
norajane Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Don't bother. If he calls you or texts you back either ignore completely or reply back with F-OFF. Exactly. Delete delete delete delete and never ever respond, reply or initiate contact ever again. Just pop the pimple and get on with your life.
Angel1111 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 He probably didn't answer you because his wife is back. Hopefully she didn't stumble on that message. Don't beat yourself up too much about what you did - we've all acted like dimwits where passion is concerned, so no need to feel like the Lone Ranger. I'm like 99.999999% certain that you'll hear from him. This is probably part of the game - to get you to sweat a little so that you leap for joy when he graces you with a call. If you must say anything to him, then tell him that you regret sending the text, that you had a temporary lapse in judgement and realize now that it's better to keep things as they were.
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