LoveLace Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I just don't get guys and I know we can't say or prove why people do what they do... Met a cute, cool guy online and after emailing a few times I told him that I'd like to talk on the phone to get to know each other a little better and go from there. So he called me a couple days later but I was out with friends at the time so I couldn't return the call until the next day. When he answered, he said he was headed to a family function and sounded rushed. Then he asked about getting together and hanging out sometime. I said sure...he was going "um..um.." so I said why don't you call me later and we'll talk about it? (since he had somewhere to be). I figured maybe it would be easier to figure this out when he wasn't in such a hurry? Then he asked how late would be too late to call because of plans he had. I told him 11pm at the latest and he reacted as though it would be sometime after 9pm. So I had ok have a good time...and he never called back! It's been over 24 hrs. now...that's no big deal, it's just that I assumed he was going to call back last night and now it feels like he changed his mind about me already! I"m just so puzzled at why someone would ask you out and then not call back! It is just frustrating to think of the possibility that one 2 minute conversation somehow depleted his interest. Only this would happen to me before even getting to a 1st date! But why, that's what I want to know! It's too early yet to say that he's definitely not going to call, yet I'm convinced that it's already another failure in my love life. I am just sooo not good at this stuff, even though I damn well should be...someone straighten me out here! Could I have done something wrong already?! Did I not act happy enough about hanging out with him or something?! WTF!
PrincessPeach Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 You're fine, and I doubt you did anything to lose any of his interest. He made it seem like he wouldn't be able to get back to until after 9pm, it possible or likely that his plans ran long and by the time he realized he needed to call you back it was after 11pm and he didn't want to call past when you said it'd be okay to call. If he was having trouble what to think of when asking if you wanted to go out he might of been having trouble thinking or deciding upon what to take you to. He might have wanted to also make sure he was prepared and knew what he wanted to say and where to go depending on your responses for when he did call back. edit: When he calls back (and I'm betting he will) don't bring up why he didn't call back when he said he would. It's not really all that important and sends out the wrong message.
Author LoveLace Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 You're fine, and I doubt you did anything to lose any of his interest. He made it seem like he wouldn't be able to get back to until after 9pm, it possible or likely that his plans ran long and by the time he realized he needed to call you back it was after 11pm and he didn't want to call past when you said it'd be okay to call. If he was having trouble what to think of when asking if you wanted to go out he might of been having trouble thinking or deciding upon what to take you to. He might have wanted to also make sure he was prepared and knew what he wanted to say and where to go depending on your responses for when he did call back. edit: When he calls back (and I'm betting he will) don't bring up why he didn't call back when he said he would. It's not really all that important and sends out the wrong message. You are probably right. But perhaps I should have let him just finish that thought instead of saying "oh, just call me later!" well that could be how it sounded anyhow. I did text him (but I don't even know he has that feature) around 11pm that I was going to bed but I'd be available today/tonight. And still nothing though it's only 6pm right now. In the text I also said I hope he had a good evening so it surely didn't come across as bitter or anything...now I definitley don't want to call him because I'd be afraid to catch him at another time of hurried-ness! In that case I just let a person leave a voice mail, but that's just me....
Star Gazer Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I think if you're going to continue to assume the worst, such as here simply because he didn't call you during the two-hour window you provided him knowing that he was out and about, all your relationships will be doomed.
Author LoveLace Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 I think if you're going to continue to assume the worst, such as here simply because he didn't call you during the two-hour window you provided him knowing that he was out and about, all your relationships will be doomed. Yes well I had to get up for work at 4:30am this morning. So when he asked what was too late, I gave him the answer, I even stretched it to 11pm, normally I'm in bed by 9 or so...that's if I work the next day...so I can't help how big the window was...I'm not going to tell someone they can call as late as they want when I have to be up so early...he actually wasn't "out and about" the whole time...then he was having friends over to HIS place for some get together that he generally said would go until 9-ish. And if it went later, you'd think he could excuse himself for a few minutes in his own home to call me. The whole idea around here is that if a guy is REALLY interested, he stays on top of it. And he's already not on top of it anymore. So why shouldn't I assume the worst? One person would say "move on! If he hasn't called he's not into you! Don't waste your time!"...but the next person will say, "You are freaking out over nothing. Give him time and he will call"...I'm just so tired of the games that come with dating. Just because you don't like to play them, it doesn't mean they won't be there...it's annoying.
Grizzman Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 You dont know his circumstances yet as much as he doesn't know yours. Its too soon to be freaking out over something like a missed time frame to call and say hey lets do something soon. Things ran late.... he lost his phone he got call in to do something at work... let it be for a few days
Author LoveLace Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 You dont know his circumstances yet as much as he doesn't know yours. Its too soon to be freaking out over something like a missed time frame to call and say hey lets do something soon. Things ran late.... he lost his phone he got call in to do something at work... let it be for a few days Yea ok whatever. Everytime I'm told that, I never hear from a guy again...it seems....guess I've lost optimism...shame on me.
Kamille Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 It's too early yet to say that he's definitely not going to call, yet I'm convinced that it's already another failure in my love life. I am just sooo not good at this stuff, even though I damn well should be...someone straighten me out here! Could I have done something wrong already?! Did I not act happy enough about hanging out with him or something?! WTF! How? How can something this small be equated to a failure? Why would you let someone you hardly know play a number like this on your perception of yourself? Why would you let this make you question what you did wrong in a 2 minute interaction? In fact, in this scenario, he's the one who messed up. He said he was going to call and he didn't. His problem, not yours.
berrieh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 The larger problem is that this is such a BIG DEAL to you. You haven't even been out with this guy. Why is it such a blow if he didn't call or was delayed in calling? You're going to wear yourself out if you keep placing such importance on these things at beginning of relationships (believe me, I've been there, done that). I will say that, if he doesn't call within 24 hours of the infraction, I wouldn't bother with him (unless he leaves a message with a very good excuse). If you do bother with him, or he calls back in time, then don't "call him out" on missing the timeframe. That's no way to start a healthy dating dynamic. Either you're cool with it, or you shouldn't go out with him. I never tell a guy what's "too late to call" but I'm a texter. I just say "text whenever...if I'm asleep, I'll get it when I wake up." In the future, perhaps you could try that? If you really feel you run into problems like this a lot.
Author LoveLace Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 The larger problem is that this is such a BIG DEAL to you. You haven't even been out with this guy. Why is it such a blow if he didn't call or was delayed in calling? You're going to wear yourself out if you keep placing such importance on these things at beginning of relationships (believe me, I've been there, done that). I will say that, if he doesn't call within 24 hours of the infraction, I wouldn't bother with him (unless he leaves a message with a very good excuse). If you do bother with him, or he calls back in time, then don't "call him out" on missing the timeframe. That's no way to start a healthy dating dynamic. Either you're cool with it, or you shouldn't go out with him. I never tell a guy what's "too late to call" but I'm a texter. I just say "text whenever...if I'm asleep, I'll get it when I wake up." In the future, perhaps you could try that? If you really feel you run into problems like this a lot. I haven't thought of calling him out on it. I would just be glad if he called, whenever it would be! But maybe he doesn't know that and thinks I'm p*ssd off. But I'm not. I'm just puzzled. Anyway, he ASKED me what would be too late to call back last night, so I told him. As opposed to saying "Oh it doesn't matter!" like a doormat or something. He asked, so I answered with the truth. And it HAS been 24 hours now. I'm tempted to call him but not in a way that says "why didn't you call last night", just to call because we have yet a chance to talk more. But I have a feeling that's not going to be encouraged here. sigh.
berrieh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Just to clarify: I don't think there was anything wrong with your answer. I was just giving another option since YOU seemed worried that there was something wrong with your answer. Bottom line is: Either he'll call or he won't. And it has more to do with him at this point than with you, especially since you haven't even gone out yet! If you want to call him, go for it. Nothing to lose. But his not remembering to call back in a timely fashion is a warning sign, so just keep that in mind for the future. (Alone, it's not horrific, but it could become a pattern.) I would just call to chat, as if nothing had happened, and not even bring up the fact that he didn't call back.
Kamille Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 LL, I doubt he thinks you're pissed off or anything like that. This all sounds like a misunderstanding. You assumed that he was going to call that night around 9. He didn't. This just isn't really a big deal. It surely isn't something you should take personally as a reflection on you.
Author LoveLace Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 LL, I doubt he thinks you're pissed off or anything like that. This all sounds like a misunderstanding. You assumed that he was going to call that night around 9. He didn't. This just isn't really a big deal. It surely isn't something you should take personally as a reflection on you. I know you are right. But I still hate this game! I just shot him a short email that some days I work stupid early like 5:30am so that's why 11 was late for me last night...not that he needed or wanted that explanation...but anyway I said just give me a call whenever and we'll figure out a time to get together. So that'll have to be that!
amymarieca Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Wow, you are reading into this way too much! Yes, guys will stay on top of things if they are really into you, but you are pushing it too much. You haven't even been on a date with this guy and you think he is already jerking you around? If he calls, then good. If not, oh well! If you are analyzing this situation so much, then I would hate to see how much you analyze things when you are in a relationship. You say you met him on a dating site. I was on a dating site before and I would get at least 10 emails a day. I'm sure it is the same for most women. If he doesn't call then I'm sure you have other options. Stop sweating stupid things like this or you will go crazy.
Author LoveLace Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Wow, you are reading into this way too much! Yes, guys will stay on top of things if they are really into you, but you are pushing it too much. You haven't even been on a date with this guy and you think he is already jerking you around? If he calls, then good. If not, oh well! If you are analyzing this situation so much, then I would hate to see how much you analyze things when you are in a relationship. You say you met him on a dating site. I was on a dating site before and I would get at least 10 emails a day. I'm sure it is the same for most women. If he doesn't call then I'm sure you have other options. Stop sweating stupid things like this or you will go crazy. Oh my gosh I've never gotten 10 emails a day! I've used every dating site there is over the course of the last 10 years, and maybe about once a month do I get emailed by a truly attractive/normal/interesting guy, if that often! I email the ones I"M interested in all the time, but it's rare for them to respond or keep the communication going at the least. It isn't like I only go for drop-dead gorgeous either...I just have to at least think they are cute. I guess all of the above is why I worry so easily. It's not that I think he's "jerking me around", it's me worrying they change their mind about me too quickly and it feels unexplained and unfair. Then again I'm sure there have been guys that have felt that way about me, too - not that the fact makes any of this any more understandable or easier. Having "other options" seems to be one thing I can never achieve. I don't meet guys in spurts and end up having a few interesting guys at 1 time. I get out as much as I can and I have plenty of friends but it just never happens that way - and oh how I wish it would! It's always just 1 interesting guy at a time, one failure after another. This is all I know so I just don't know how to relax and be more optimistic. I'm stuck on the expectation that every guy is going to be just like that last one. For every seldom time that I think the opposite, I end up being wrong and hurt.
Author LoveLace Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 We spontaneously ended up meeting last night. I was with a friend at an establishment that I knew was right by his house, so I texted him that I was there and he called back right away. What lead me to do so was because my friend was about to leave but it was still fairly early so I figured why not if he wants to hang out. So he came there and my friend left shortly after. We talked well for the remainder of the hour and a half - 2 hrs. that the place was open. We walked out together, nice meeting you yadda yadda; we gave each other a friendly hug. I said "call me!", mainly because it was a moment that I wasn't sure what to say. I think he said he will but I don't even remember for sure. Then we said have a nice thanksgiving and said "bye D"..."bye LL"...then went separate directions to our cars... I definitely enjoyed the short meeting enough to hang out with him again but I can't tell if he thought the same, although he seemed pretty into our conversation. It appears we have several same interests in common. Guess we'll see what happens.
BentSpine Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Why not skip calling entirely from now on and instead text to arrange a place to meet? Seemed to work well for you. I'm not fond of talking on the phone, unless I couldn't care less what the other will think of me. I guess I'm one of those who prefers to express onself in person or in writing.
Author LoveLace Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Why not skip calling entirely from now on and instead text to arrange a place to meet? Seemed to work well for you. I'm not fond of talking on the phone, unless I couldn't care less what the other will think of me. I guess I'm one of those who prefers to express onself in person or in writing. Well, last night he expressed that he doesn't really like online dating thing that much because he opens up better in person vs. email. I texted him one night and he didn't respond...then last night when I texted him, he came back and said "Call me"...so I'm starting to gather that he's not a fan of texting, either.
BentSpine Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I don't blame you for being confused. How does he make you feel right now? If his present way of communicating with you doesn't change, could you put up with it long term?
SushiX Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 My Gosh! Slow down girl! Sorry but you sound kinda desperate. I hope you don't express your feelings like this in front of him. Most guys don't like needy girls unless he just wants to get laid. About the online thing, I personally don't like texting or chatting online either. I prefer talking on phone or face to face meetings. It's more personal that way for me. But each to their own I suppose.
Author LoveLace Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 My Gosh! Slow down girl! Sorry but you sound kinda desperate. I hope you don't express your feelings like this in front of him. Most guys don't like needy girls unless he just wants to get laid. About the online thing, I personally don't like texting or chatting online either. I prefer talking on phone or face to face meetings. It's more personal that way for me. But each to their own I suppose. Ha! I am the least neediest girl I know! Trust me! I do have a few needs that I feel very deprived of, however, that makes me human. For example last night I went out and met a halfway cute and nice guy but then he wanted to have his paws all over me the rest of the time which I can't stand if you have just met me. If I called him he would be estatic but his groping was a big turn-off so I think if I was desperate I would be calling HIM. If I was desperate there are several guys I could use to meet my needs, easily. But I prefer to wait for someone who I really like and vice-versa. I talk about a LOT of my dating experience here though because I'm NOT very good at it, plain and simple. It's still all a huge mystery to me. Maybe not all, but most. After failing so many damn times I don't blame myself for being so quizative of everything. I was the actually the one who told him I'd rather talk on the phone than "chat" online. But here's my thing with texting....I know not everyone likes it, but thats not an excuse to ignore somebody if you ask me. If you don't like texting, then have the feature taken off your phone. Or if you get a text, then call and say "I got your text but I'd rather talk".
berrieh Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Did the text have a clear need for a response? The thing with texts is that sometimes people text me statements, and I don't respond because I figure all they wanted was for me to read the statement: No further action required. Of course, it depends on who they are and what the text said, but I'm just saying it's not always "ignoring" maybe? Re: Neediness It sounds like because you "funnel" guys out (not a bad thing), you do get sort of needy/overexcited about the guys you do like. Like you put to much pressure on the "few" you know?
SushiX Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Ha! I am the least neediest girl I know! Trust me! I do have a few needs that I feel very deprived of, however, that makes me human. For example last night I went out and met a halfway cute and nice guy but then he wanted to have his paws all over me the rest of the time which I can't stand if you have just met me. If I called him he would be estatic but his groping was a big turn-off so I think if I was desperate I would be calling HIM. You sound desperate for admiration and love, not for sex. Theres a difference. Of course that halfway cute guy would be estatic if you called him, because obviously he just wants to get laid. Good thing you're not desperate for sex! lol
shadowplay Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 My ex would almost never respond to my texts because he was too cheap to pay the twenty cents. Lovelace: Whatever happened with the musician?
Capricciosa Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 It sounds like because you "funnel" guys out (not a bad thing), you do get sort of needy/overexcited about the guys you do like. This sounds pretty accurate, because it's exactly what happens to me. It's hard, but you have to practice some patience and let him do something--call, text, etc. I'm in a similar situation that started with a missed call, but when we finally connected he actually said that he wanted to earn my liking him. So I'm backing off, still seeing other guys, trying not to put all my focus on him despite the fact that I feel like a giddy schoolgirl around him. Hopefully that means he will come towards me.
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