samIam90 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 i discovered this site today and thought i'd throw my situation out and see what kind of advice comes my way. background for what it's worth: a year ago last august i got married to a girl i met my senior year in college, she was a freshman. we dated all while she was in college, and married the fall following her graduating. long story short, she cheated on me the following june, and in retrospect the relationship had already died months before that (hind sight really is 20/20), although i was 100% blindsided and crushed at the time. i spent the months following (this past summer) recovering, trying to convince her that it was worth saving, and then finally gave up on 'us'. i spent the fall getting my life back in order, and then moved about 6 weeks ago. moving was literally the turning point for me. the only thing in my life that is the same is my job. i feel great, i literally feel like i've got a new lease on life, and friends, family, and co-workers have all observed that they can tell i'm happy for the first time in a couple of years. pretty much from day one when i found out the ex had cheated on me, i was seeing a counselor at the urging of friends and family. towards the end of our time together (he said i didn't need to come in any more about 3 or 4 weeks ago), he casually suggested that maybe i should start dating if i felt ready, and he suggested maybe meeting somebody off of a dating site. i wasn't really crazy about the idea, but figured what the heck, nothing to lose. so as i'm going through the online crowd and quickly learning that 90% of the folks on there are not... the type who interest me at all, i met this girl. we emailed back and forth for quite a while, and then she suggested we meet for lunch and gave me her number. turns out she's relatively new to town, knows very few people, and like me isn't horribly outgoing towards people she doesn't know. i think ok, well this is interesting, so we meet for lunch, do the standard semi-akward first time meeting small talk, and meet a couple times after that for a few drinks after work, nothing more really than an hour at a time. all is well and we really have a lot in common as far as interests, values, etc. so we go on a few dates and it's pretty clear from day one that we're both into each other. things probably move a little quicker than they should. it creeped me out a little bit, because i was having a hard time figuring out what the catch is. i mean, if it seems too good to be true... right? well to be honest, i still haven't figured out the catch, she's a great gal. so we were having some drinks one night when i cracked some joke without really having thought about it about the fact that i was divorced or something like that, i don't even really remember what i said. my way of dealing with adversity is to crack fun about it. its just the way i've always been. as soon as i said that she looked at me and said 'when you say things like that, it makes me think that you're not really over her/your divorce." so we end up spending over two hours talking about us/me/my divorce. we'd talked in passing about my divorce in the past, and my view on it was that i was going to be as up front and honest as possible, but at the same time only talk about it when she brings it up. aside from making a joke about it now and then, the only time i can remember bringing it up is when we were talking about our families, and i had referenced what a great support my dad had been for me when i was going through the divorce, significant because that's pretty out of character for him. it turns out i scare her to death. she's scared that i'm not over the ex, scared of what might happen if the ex were ever to decide she wanted to be with me (zero chance of that happening, even less of a chance of my having any interest in getting back together with her), scared i'm going to hurt her, scared of my baggage, scared that because i've already experienced things in life related to marriage that if (theoretically, mind you) that if we worked out long term that those things would not mean as much to me. i'm not saying i'm looking for somebody to marry out of this or that i'm looking to marry her by any means, but i'm not saying it couldn't happen. i tried to convince her that i wasn't nearly the liability she thought, but she wasn't convinced. we walked away from that night not resolving anything, but we'd aired things out. due to work schedules and other things, we ended up not seeing each other for a couple of weeks, and one night we spent quite a bit of time on the phone one night catching up, and then i asked if she wanted to get together a few days from then. she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. after some more talking, she told me that she thought that even if i was ready to date, she wasn't ready to date me. ok, well... ok. i'm not one to get hung up over a particular girl, there's more fish in the sea and all that, and i've been out on random dates before and since then, but nothing of interest really. the thing is, this girl is great. she's beautiful, has a great personality, and i really enjoy the time we spend together. we left it something along the lines of me saying in a text, "so we're done?", her saying "for now" and me replying "ok, well you know how to get ahold of me." haven't talked to her since. don't really plan to, my plan at this point is to make it through the holidays and then maybe get in touch with her in january if she doesn't get in touch with me first. if she wasn't into me, if there was zero attraction, i would have no problem walking away from this, especially given my situation, but i know that's not the case. she waffled back and forth for quite a while saying she didn't know what to do before she decided to call things off for awhile (or permanently, whatever has happened, not sure). the part that really bugs me is that she's writing me off because she percieves me to be a liability because of my history which is pretty unfair in my opinion. so this got really long. opinions? do i just leave her be, walk away, tell her she's makinga big mistake? what's the best course of action? or is everybody going to be telling me i have no business even dating at this point in my life. i'm interested in honest advice from folks who have been there, and thanks in advance.
amaysngrace Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Did you tell her you'd never take your exW back no matter what because she probably needs to know that? What is your whole view of marriage? Do you seem scorned or bitter by it? Sometimes it may not even be her opinion of you being divorced. It could have came from somebody saying something and it planted a seed. It could also be that she's been someone else's rebound so she needs more reassuring from you on where your head is at.
Author samIam90 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Did you tell her you'd never take your exW back no matter what because she probably needs to know that? What is your whole view of marriage? Do you seem scorned or bitter by it? Sometimes it may not even be her opinion of you being divorced. It could have came from somebody saying something and it planted a seed. It could also be that she's been someone else's rebound so she needs more reassuring from you on where your head is at. i've told her that the divorce was in no way my idea, that i didn't want it, but that once i saw it was inevitible i resigned myself to it and decided i had to move on. my view on marriage came up once. i believe that marriage is supposed to be a forever thing, but i've also learned that that point of view has to be a two way street, and that once that one half of the couple has made up their mind that things are done, once you hit a certain point, there's nothing that the other person can say or do that will save it, regardless of their views of what is supposed to be forever. i said 'til death do us part, so did she. i meant it, she didn't. i can't help that, even though i've wished in the past that i could. she's talked about how when she's in a relationship she can't help but invest herself in it 100% and that she's scared to put herself in that position with me when she has the perception that i'm such a liability. i don't know. anybody have some magical insight? edit: yes, i've made it pretty clear i've no desire to get back with the ex.
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