berrieh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I know, right. Thing is, me and my ex do not have that kind of horrible relationship most people have with their exes. We were friends before we got married, and after we divorced, our previous friendship resumed, which is nice. We're very respectful to one another. I would prefer my BF be out of the way for a while just out of respect I have for my xHB. I do not have any romantic feelings towards my ex; none at all. Calling me as he 'normally' does would be a little awkward. Normal for him is to call me every night at 10pm and talk for two hours. Why can't you talk to your BF for 2 hours when xHB is there, though? If he is coming for your child, it is not your job to entertain him 24/7. If you and xHB truly have a friendship, then why is it so awkward for him to know about the new BF in your life? If you are really going to be friends and exes, why not begin the process of seeing each other move on? The fact that you feel like you cannot even tell your xHB about a new BF and thus have to cut this man out of your life for a month to accomodate xHB... well, that pretty much says things are not "over" enough between you and xHB... or that's what I would think if I were your BF.
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Calling me as he 'normally' does would be a little awkward. Normal for him is to call me every night at 10pm and talk for two hours Wow, that's a lotta talkin'. It sounds like your son goes to bed, and then the two of you talk each night. So when ex-H is there, your son would go to bed, and then you feel that you need to be a good hostess and not leave your ex-H at loose ends for a couple of hours. And, yes, that could make your bf anxious...as in, what are you and ex-H talking about for those two hours alone?! Can you re-arrange this call schedule? Something like, have your chats with your bf earlier in the evening while your ex-H is with your son? That way, you still get to talk to bf like usual, and you can still be a good hostess? Or is it possible that your ex-H will want to spend the evenings after your son goes to bed on the computer catching up on his work and emails and other stuff instead of spending them with you? I'm not saying that I will completely not hang out or call him, it's just that it won't be as frequent. And I know he won't like this. He can be a bit insecure at times. I'm meeting him tonight but to be honest, I don't think I have the courage to say anything to him. Yet. I think this situation will get worse. Oh, you need to discuss this as soon as possible. You've already waited to long to mention it, and the longer you wait at this point, the more upsetting it will be to your bf. What could you possibly gain by putting this off? It's all in the attitude. If you present it in a matter-of-fact way, your bf will take his cues from you. If you present it as a big deal, bf will think it's a big deal. If you present it as, "ex is coming to spend the month with his son...let's figure out how to spend as much time together as we can while he's here" bf will see that your first concern is him, not the ex. Don't be afraid. You're a mother - there are some things bf's have to adjust to when dating moms, and exes are one of them. It comes with the package.
Author Shygirl15 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 I'm going to address this issue tonight. Thanks a lot for your comments. It's all in the attitude. If you present it in a matter-of-fact way, your bf will take his cues from you. If you present it as a big deal, bf will think it's a big deal. If you present it as, "ex is coming to spend the month with his son...let's figure out how to spend as much time together as we can while he's here" bf will see that your first concern is him, not the ex Very helpful tip. Thanks.
flc Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 The only issue I see is the staying over part. As divorced you should really not being staying at his place or vis versa. You have a kid together so you will always have a relationship with him and your bf should understand this, but the xH is no longer part of your family. When I started dating my xW she had a 2yo from a previous marriage and I completely understood that the childs father was part of our life. But it was 100% in the context of the child and when we got married either my step-son was with his father and their family or with us and our family. Our family did not include the xH. So tell your bf about the visit and since you already comitted to the stay over you can explain the situation but in the future I would avoid that as I don't think any man is going to be comfortable with your xH sleeping in the same house with you.
lovelorcet Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I think alpha is giving some good and simple advice here. I see no problems with having you xHB stay at your place and in fact this could be really good for your kid to be able to spend more time with him. Your new bf doesn't need to be coming by but maybe you could leave your son and exHB together from time to time and go to the bf place. All 3 of you need to be adults here and do what is best for the child.
Author Shygirl15 Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 We had a discussion over dinner last night. I explained the situation to him, and he seemed pretty understanding. However, he requested to meet my ex at least once, when he's in town. Said that will clear up the air more than anything else. Apparently he will spend Xmas with his family as well (ex and 2 kids) at his parents' house, so I guess we're kinda even. I gather one cannot really avoid these type of situations when dating someone with baggage, right?
Geishawhelk Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 That depends. When do they plan on putting it down? Because if people carry baggage, a lot of the "effort" is completely voluntary.....
norajane Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 We had a discussion over dinner last night. I explained the situation to him, and he seemed pretty understanding. However, he requested to meet my ex at least once, when he's in town. Said that will clear up the air more than anything else. Fantastic! See, all that worrying for nothing. Your bf's request to meet ex-H is very reasonable - just invite him over for dinner one night and play it off very calm and matter-of-fact. Apparently he will spend Xmas with his family as well (ex and 2 kids) at his parents' house, so I guess we're kinda even. I gather one cannot really avoid these type of situations when dating someone with baggage, right? It's all in your perspective. You can consider it baggage and let it wear you down, or you can consider all of you as adults who are doing the best they can to give your children as many good memories as possible and as much time with their parents as possible, and who are setting a good example for them of how adults can be gracious and loving even if they aren't married to each other anymore. Kids soak up a lot of lessons from the adults in their lives and it's a kindness to them to see functional families despite divorce. Be grateful that there's isn't animosity and hate among the exes. That creates so many more problems for everyone. Instead of heavy, unwieldy baggage you can hardly lift, it sounds like you all have the neat little roller bags you can pull with barely any effort.
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