Shygirl15 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 In two weeks, my xHB will be here to see his son and all, which is nice. I agreed to let him stay with me since I have a big place, and frankly I'm the only person he knows around here. This conversation took place many months ago (around April, I think), and I wasn't really dating anyone by then. So now I'm seriously dating someone, and unfortunately I haven't had the courage to tell him about this situation, yet. Don't know if I should or not. Yeah, I know... But I know for sure he's not going to like it. And perhaps that will be the end of everything. Any quick advice on how I should play this out? . Feel very miserable about this.
Schlicky77 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 You need to tell him before he shows up, otherwise it could be very very awkward. He's going to find out sooner or later, but I'm sure in the long run he would rather hear it from you than a third party. And it will save a messy situation if he shows up and meets your new BF.
Author Shygirl15 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Yes, thanks a lot. However, telling him just two weeks before my ex comes, is as bad as keeping quiet, IMO. I had 6 good months to bring this issue into discussion, but didn't. And that's not as bad as when I break it down to him that I will likely not call as much or spend time with him during the 1 month that my ex is here.
alphamale Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Any quick advice on how I should play this out? your son needs to spend time with his father....that is the #1 priority, even if it means your bf has to get lost for a few days. but i do think you should tell both men about each other...
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 In two weeks, my xHB will be here to see his son and all, which is nice. I agreed to let him stay with me since I have a big place, and frankly I'm the only person he knows around here. This conversation took place many months ago (around April, I think), and I wasn't really dating anyone by then. So now I'm seriously dating someone, and unfortunately I haven't had the courage to tell him about this situation, yet. Don't know if I should or not. Yeah, I know... But I know for sure he's not going to like it. And perhaps that will be the end of everything. Any quick advice on how I should play this out? . Feel very miserable about this. IMO, I think you need to explain to your exh that it's not appropriate for him to stay at your house given the circumstances and that you are not comfortable with that arrangement. I personally wouldn't like it either so I wouldn't blame your bf for having an issue with it.
alphamale Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 error. sorry. bfs come and go but there is only one father of your child...and he'll be around for a long time whether you like it or not
Author Shygirl15 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 your son needs to spend time with his father....that is the #1 priority, even if it means your bf has to get lost for a few days. but i do think you should tell both men about each other... Thanks. I'm not even debating about that; clearly he needs to spend time with his father after 12 months of not seeing each other. Whenever we visit him in his town, we always stay at his house and there has been no indication of female friends whatsoever, so I feel like I should give him the same respect. However, if you guys were in my BF's position, would you easily understand if your GFs tell you that the father of their kids are visiting, stay with them in the same household, and to please not call or visit during this time?
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 bfs come and go but there is only one father of your child...and he'll be around for a long time whether you like it or not I don't agree with this. What purpose does that serve except for the sake of their child. Who is she committed to here, her ex-h or her bf?
Author Shygirl15 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 IMO, I think you need to explain to your exh that it's not appropriate for him to stay at your house given the circumstances and that you are not comfortable with that arrangement. I personally wouldn't like it either so I wouldn't blame your bf for having an issue with it. We stay at his house whenever we go to visit him so I'm just returning the favor. Plus he's going to stay here for a whole month; surely I can't let him pay for hotel for all that time now, can I? That would be a very insensitive thing to do. My x is likely to understand about my BF, but I doubt if my BF will be very understanding about it. I know I wouldn't.
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 We stay at his house whenever we go to visit him so I'm just returning the favor. Plus he's going to stay here for a whole month; surely I can't let him pay for hotel for all that time now, can I? That would be a very insensitive thing to do. My x is likely to understand about my BF, but I doubt if my BF will be very understanding about it. I know I wouldn't. Well if your bf doesn't have a problem with your ex-h staying with you for an entire month then kudos to him. I understand the whole trust aspect and that your bf is just going to have to trust you, but it sounds like your relationship with him is still very new and that's a lot to take into consideration when your just starting out with someone.
shockandawed Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Shygirl, I am in a similar position as your boyfriend is right now. My GF-XH is in town this week for their daughters birthday and Thanksgiving. The only difference is he isn't staying with them at night, but he is hanging out there all day long. He is also insisting that they have Thanksgiving together. I have tried to stay cool with this but it has caused some tensions the last few days. My biggest problem is he seems to cause her great stress when they talk and she gets very upset. She claims she has told him about me and she answers the phone, etc..if I call, so that has helped me a quite a bit. It's still uneasy though to be honest. If telling your ex he can't stay there isn't an option, then you have to tell your BF ASAP. While I applaud you for allowing your son to be with his father and accommodating him under these circumstances, it isn't your place to be involved the entire time either. If you are going to allow your ex to stay with you, then he should accept you have moved along with your life. It's awkward but its very unfair to push your bf out while he is in town. If him coming over is uncomfortable, then you should at least be willing to go out with him and leave your son and ex to themselves. Honestly, telling your bf to get lost for the month and stay away sends the message that you are still involved with your ex.
Author Shygirl15 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Shockandawed, thanks for your great input. I'm going to try have this conversation face-to-face with BF tomorrow night. Though I'm no longer with my ex, I still think we may need to slow down a bit while he's here. My ex gives me the utmost respect when I'm in his town; meaning no calls or strange circumstances with women and I thought it's only fair I treat him the same. Anyway, we'll see. I don't want to discourage my BF in anyway. We're still very new in relationship.
Grizzman Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Your assuming that when you stay at his place and there is no female contact that there is a female to Make contact with him. As a woman would you be fine with your BF going off to see his kids and exwife for a month and stay with them in the same house?
berrieh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Thanks. I'm not even debating about that; clearly he needs to spend time with his father after 12 months of not seeing each other. Whenever we visit him in his town, we always stay at his house and there has been no indication of female friends whatsoever, so I feel like I should give him the same respect. However, if you guys were in my BF's position, would you easily understand if your GFs tell you that the father of their kids are visiting, stay with them in the same household, and to please not call or visit during this time? I think this brings up 2 separate issues. I am a woman and a child of divorce, and those are the 2 things I bring to this perspective---just to be clear. I think it's perfectly understandable that your EH and your child need to spend time together and if him staying with you is the only way to facilitate that, then so be it. Your BF should understand that if you're open and honest with him. At the same time, not allowing your BF to even call? That's a little odd. Unless there is some real reason to do so for your child -- not your EH -- then I don't understand it. I think you should also be able to tell your EH that you are dating someone you care about very much, and the BF should be allowed to call you as normal. Drop by unexpected? Okay, probably not the best idea. But it sounds a little shady to ask him not to even call, assuming he normally does.
lost_in_life_again Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I don't understand why you wouldn't be able to see your new boyfriend during the month that the ex is there. If you trust him enough to stay at your house, then why wouldn't he be able to stay home alone with your child while you go out with the BF?? I think it's great that you and your ex are still friends enough to be able to live with him for a whole month, but if your life has to be put on hold in order to entertain him, then maybe your still harbouring feelings for him??? If I were the boyfriend, I'd definitely think something was up if you told me that I wouldn't be able to see you while he's there. Sounds kinda fishy....
alphamale Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 However, if you guys were in my BF's position, would you easily understand if your GFs tell you that the father of their kids are visiting, stay with them in the same household, and to please not call or visit during this time? men who date a woman with children already know they will never be #1, the best they can do is a close #2. if he really cares for you he will understand this. Who is she committed to here, her ex-h or her bf? she's commited to whats best for her child, period. at least i hope she is
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 she's commited to whats best for her child, period. at least i hope she is Oh yeah? So when does that include having an ex sleep at one's house for an entire month, hmmmmmm???
amaysngrace Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I would seriously consider staying at your BFs place more while the ex is here. I know you said that he extends you courtesy and doesn't see anyone and makes time for you but that doesn't mean you have to. You are already being generous by opening up your home to him. To rearrange your whole life is over the top IMO. He's your ex. He is there to see your son. Not you. If he cared so much about seeing you he wouldn't be your ex. It sounds like you are actually looking forward to seeing him.
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I don't understand why you wouldn't be able to see your new boyfriend during the month that the ex is there. If you trust him enough to stay at your house, then why wouldn't he be able to stay home alone with your child while you go out with the BF?? I think it's great that you and your ex are still friends enough to be able to live with him for a whole month, but if your life has to be put on hold in order to entertain him, then maybe your still harbouring feelings for him??? If I were the boyfriend, I'd definitely think something was up if you told me that I wouldn't be able to see you while he's there. Sounds kinda fishy.... I would seriously consider staying at your BFs place more while the ex is here. I know you said that he extends you courtesy and doesn't see anyone and makes time for you but that doesn't mean you have to. You are already being generous by opening up your home to him. To rearrange your whole life is over the top IMO. He's your ex. He is there to see your son. Not you. If he cared so much about seeing you he wouldn't be your ex. It sounds like you are actually looking forward to seeing him. I agree with both of these. There's no reason why you have to ignore your bf while your ex-H is visiting, nor why your bf can't meet your ex-H. You can still see your bf, stay at his place, go out, etc. And your bf should be welcome to come to your home as well, just as he would if you had another member of your family come to visit. Ex-H is there for your son, not you...right?
alphamale Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Oh yeah? So when does that include having an ex sleep at one's house for an entire month, hmmmmmm??? thats her ex husband who is the father of her kid....the rules change when you have kids with someone
eDave Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Nevermind. I read your post wrong. I gather our BF know of the ex. Anyway, honesty is best. -------------------------------------------------- Shy, I went through this to some extent. Was divorced for over a year but kept the papers open as our home was appreciating at a rapid rate, so we agreed to keep it open until it reached a plateau. Once there, finalize everything. Strickly a business deal. However, I met a great woman. One of those "fell from the sky" kinda things. Well, I didn't tell her and she eventually found out as I was closing up everything (because I had met her). It did not go over well at all and, though she stayed with me, it was difficult and a consistent drag on our relationship. It eventually failed because of it. So, be proactive and tell him. With sincerity, regret and honesty as to why you kept it from him. Give him a chance to get over it, one way or the other. Don't start a relationship with a lie, even a lie of omission. Just my opinion based on my experience. It sucked and I never had any power of any kind. Felt like I spent the whole relationship paying for this. And yea, I felt horrible about it. Still do. "What if", you know?
Author Shygirl15 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 As a woman would you be fine with your BF going off to see his kids and exwife for a month and stay with them in the same house?No I wouldn't. I will be glad if he would be understanding, but I don't expect him to. If I were the boyfriend, I'd definitely think something was up if you told me that I wouldn't be able to see you while he's there. Sounds kinda fishy.... I know, right. Thing is, me and my ex do not have that kind of horrible relationship most people have with their exes. We were friends before we got married, and after we divorced, our previous friendship resumed, which is nice. We're very respectful to one another. I would prefer my BF be out of the way for a while just out of respect I have for my xHB. I do not have any romantic feelings towards my ex; none at all. At the same time, not allowing your BF to even call? That's a little odd. Unless there is some real reason to do so for your child -- not your EH -- then I don't understand it. I think you should also be able to tell your EH that you are dating someone you care about very much, and the BF should be allowed to call you as normal. Drop by unexpected? Okay, probably not the best idea. But it sounds a little shady to ask him not to even call, assuming he normally does. Calling me as he 'normally' does would be a little awkward. Normal for him is to call me every night at 10pm and talk for two hours. I would seriously consider staying at your BFs place more while the ex is here. I can't leave my son for a whole month with him. He's not that good with kids, unfortunately.
Author Shygirl15 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 I agree with both of these. There's no reason why you have to ignore your bf while your ex-H is visiting, nor why your bf can't meet your ex-H. You can still see your bf, stay at his place, go out, etc. And your bf should be welcome to come to your home as well, just as he would if you had another member of your family come to visit. Ex-H is there for your son, not you...right? I'm not saying that I will completely not hang out or call him, it's just that it won't be as frequent. And I know he won't like this. He can be a bit insecure at times. I'm meeting him tonight but to be honest, I don't think I have the courage to say anything to him. Yet. I think this situation will get worse.
shockandawed Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 No I wouldn't. I will be glad if he would be understanding, but I don't expect him to. I know, right. Thing is, me and my ex do not have that kind of horrible relationship most people have with their exes. We were friends before we got married, and after we divorced, our previous friendship resumed, which is nice. We're very respectful to one another. I would prefer my BF be out of the way for a while just out of respect I have for my xHB. I do not have any romantic feelings towards my ex; none at all. Calling me as he 'normally' does would be a little awkward. Normal for him is to call me every night at 10pm and talk for two hours. I have a very good relationship with my ex wife. We have been divorced for 5 years and I fully encorage that. With that said, we are fully aware of each others relationships and that has really helped us in moving along and being able to be platonic friends. It was awkward at first, but easier with time. Why can't he call you normally? You aren't going to be sleeping with your ex, right? I'm not saying that I will completely not hang out or call him, it's just that it won't be as frequent. And I know he won't like this. He can be a bit insecure at times. I'm meeting him tonight but to be honest, I don't think I have the courage to say anything to him. Yet. I think this situation will get worse. At the rate you are going, yes, it will. You really need to answer two basic questions. 1. Are you over your ex? 2. Do you want to have a relationship with your current bf? If the answer to both is yes, as you have previously stated, then you must inform both of them. You mention your ex gave you courtesy when you visited. That is not owed by either of you. You are legally divorced. Also, it was several months ago, his situation may have completely changed as well. This will be an awkward situation, but the success of it depends clearly on how you handle it. You must tell your bf about your ex coming, and you must tell your ex that you have a bf and you will be seeing him and communicating with him as you usually do. Anything less and you are asking for a disaster.
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