ArdicWolf Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I'm a first time-poster here. I've read through many threads on the board and I've already got some great hints for my situation. But I felt the need to discuss this with someone. Here goes... I've been married for 9 years now to a loving wife, and we both care for each other very much. I think we have a somewhat hectic life which includes a 4 1/2 year old and a 20 month old that we both, at times, get frustrated with (of course). I work, she is a stay at home mom. I earn a decent salary, so we don't worry too much about finances. I've been having lots of problems over the past few years with migraine headaches which I am addressing with Imitrex, CPAP, exercise, physical therapy and meditation (!). I truly hate feeling bad as it keeps me from enjoying my family, but I sometimes believe the situation at home contributes to the headaches. My wife is great with care of the children, and we share much of the responsibilities around the house. She takes care of the kids during the day, cooks dinner, shops, pays the bills, does laundry, and we split kids at bedtime, each prepping and reading to one of the kiddos. I work, vacuum, clean floors, bathrooms, dishes, do the yard work, take out the garbage, fold some laundry. I try to help out whenever I can. Typically our evenings involve dinner, pick up, kids to bed, then she goes to her computer and I either go to mine or watch tv. Then I go to bed. Sometimes she goes out to a MOMS club activity which I heartily support. Here come my problems The mess... I feel she spends much of her day in front of the computer while the kids are in the other side of the house going crazy. The counters and kitchen table are always cover in 'stuff' that makes working in the kitchen nearly impossible. Attempts I have made to organize cabinets become a mess because she just stuffs things into the cabinets. Attempts to get things to organize get rebuffed or ignored. When I clean things up, the next day it's back to a gigantic mess so I don't bother any more. The sink and area around is clean, but that's it. Most rooms I allocate a section (like the dresser) that is mine that I try to keep clean, the rest is covered in crap. Her desk with the computer is a total disaster with stuff all over it (including dirty dishes sometimes). Ok, she can be a slob. So I suppose one reason I'm miffed is that one of my responsibilities around the house is to clean, and all she does it make it worse for me. I have pretty much given up on this because it drives me crazy. I'm not a neat freak, but I don't like not having room on the counter to fill a cereal bowl. KOL, Mob Wars, internet, internet, tetris... She stays up till 3am sitting in front of the computer, usually falls asleep there and might climb into bed at 6am. No, I don't suspect an affair. She's ok on the computer, but I'm pretty savvy and I know there aren't any other email addresses or IM's going on. I felt guilty checking. In all honesty, I trust her more than any person I've ever known. I would never deny her time to herself as I understand that much of her day is spent with the kids. But I do feel she spends an excessive amount of time there, including during the day and much of the evening. By the time she makes it up to watch something with me (even when we plan to) it's late and I have to go to bed for work in the morning. Laundry does tend to pile up for weeks before there's a marathon of washing. I worry about bills being paid as the mail tends to pile up all over the place and get lost. A box I got for putting mail in became full of everything but. When guests are due there's a sudden need to clean up the whole house. Guess who does most of it? Libido, of course... And of course, she never wants to have sex. Never initiates it, and when we do, it's late in the evening when I'm exhausted, and I am unable to perform any kind of foreplay because I can't touch her anywhere because she is over-sensitive. It tickles. It makes her jumpy. So when we do have sex, it's simply a way for me to have an O. She never wants one, even when I try. She's been to an endocrinologist and has been taking something (the name escapes me at this moment) for a thyroid issue which probably involves her libido. It seems to do nothing. I had a vasectomy as both of us were quite happy with one of each, and I thought there was some concern from her (and me) about another unexpected surprise. Two seems to be as much as we can handle, anyhoo. That hasn't changed anything sex-wise. Of course there was a time when we had lots of fun in the sack. But you know when that ended. Incommunicado... Asking her to talk about my concerns is greeted with 'I know, the house is a mess and we never have sex'. End of conversation. I sometimes feel like the woman in this situation as I want to discuss things, work it out and she wants none of it. I don't like to fight and don't want to start doing that to change things. I am going to try planning a more consistent 'date night' so we can get away for an evening maybe once a week. It's been tough getting a baby sitter as our usual is off to college, her dad is not up to it, and both my parents are gone. That was this past year. It's been a tough year, 2008. We did get away to Boston for a long weekend a few weeks ago and enjoyed ourselves very much. Heck, we even fooled around in the hotel pool! But back home, and everything is as it was. I think somehow worse as she got a taste of some freedom for a few days. Did I mention the kids can be frustrating? ;-) Wrapup... So I suppose this is all about her being overwhelmed with taking care of the kids, her thyroid, and perhaps being unhappy with her new baby weight. I love the site of her and am always expressing how much I love her, and her appearance. She is a saftig woman, and I love every inch of her. When we have a good time, it's a great time. We laugh a lot, too. Am I focused on the wrong things? Should I just put up with a messy house? Should I work, clean, shut up, and masturbate?
cottoncandy1 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I would like to help u and I have some ideas for the organization part.... For the bills, you can get a pretty ceramic envelope and label it "bills." tell her that even if she doesn't open the mail, to at least go thru it and immediately place the bill envelope in this pretty bill holder. every friday go and take the bills and you pay them (if she won't). as for the rest of the mail, i would put a basket there and at night while u r watching tv, go thru it w/ a plastic bag (handy) and chuck stuff out. some people just hate paper and hate sorting it. also, some people are visual - and need to sort bills and papers not into files, but out in the open, hence the piles. they sell sorters online (office supply sites) that have like 30 sections that u can label and throw the paper in there once bill is paid . it's like hanging up coats in a closet - these people need HOOKS. it is a quick and easy way to get the coat out of the way, and it's not hanging on a chair or on the floor. so in other words, adapt to her style.... as far as the computer, maybe she is addicted to ebay. that can be very addicting. do u think she's avoiding u on purpose? probably not. if u love her and u guys are happy, that's great. just focus on the good stuff and deal w/ the rest. it's not that bad! she's lucky to stay home, she should appreciate that. good luck!
wildflowerchild98 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I think every relationship faces situations such as these...I guess it is how we deal with them that makes or breaks the relationship I know I deal with the house being a mess issue and I would 10 hour days sometimes though it has been less hours recently I just don't feel like cleaning when i get home and I feel like my husband should do more around the house to make it easier for me and it annoys me to no end sometimes I think you need to take the good with the bad It sounds like overall you have a positive relationship that tends to feel strained from the stress of taking care of small children that can be very demanding and maybe she does feel like she is not desireable to you...Us women tend to feel that way sometimes I think you need to take more vacations to destress and take the pressure off of both of you! Love will come good luck!!!
MarriageZone Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 The Wife's point of view: You say she is sitting in front of the computer all day and the kids playing elsewhere. Then you say she is taking care of the kids all day. I'm not sure you know what she does all day...hmm. By the way try to educate yourself on the medication(s) she is taking, it may be a factor. True some people do not have good organization skills. But, it seems there is a deeper issue. Perhaps she is unhappy or unfulfilled and she is internalizing and the outward mess is the result of that internalization. You need to get to the heart of the matter. Communicate with her the real feelings because being an at home mom with two kids is not the issue. Did she give up a passion or career etc? Take time to listen to what is really being said and try not to bring up the obvious mess, lack of sex, and her carelessness. Yes, it is tough right now but tough times don't last always. Hang in there. Do what ever it takes not to have an affair...even by accident. Eventually as the kids get older things do get better. Hubby and I still have our moments but overall it is nothing like it use to be years ago. Unlike your wife I am truly a busy woman. I have a full-time and 2 part-time jobs. I have developed 2 websites. We have a laundromat to take care of. He works and has a care detailing business. We have 3 kids and two cats. I do what I can but I am exhausted by the end of the day. This too shall pass. Patience is a virtue. The Husband's Point of View: I feel your pain there sir… from one husband to another. We are so close in this that I am fanning the tail of the horse that you are ridings tail out of my face, because I am right behind you. There are a few subtle differences though. My wife works (days), and she & I have a website that she created as an at home business to earn income… so when she is not at work at her job, she is on either the desk top or the lap top for hours on end. We also have a Laundromat that I help with. I work in the evenings and I have Smonday off that is Sunday & Monday off, but they go by soooo fast that I call it Smonday. We have 3-kids 15, 12, & 7… I tend to all of the above, wifey & tribe as well as work not only a job but I have a car detailing business too, and I must say that my wife found some time to assist me with a few things with my business and around the house (Thank you honey). But, needless to say, both me & the kids get very little attention from wifey/mommy when she is in front of the PC of choice. I do give her much credit as well as support that she is taking care of business & paying bills when she is online, she even created a online business for our kids… so moderating is keeping her planted firm for hours on end. Yes, clothes are piled up through-out the rooms, but one of us tends to get to them before we grow out of them it seems. I do have my issues with the lack of attention or quality of for not only me but also for the kids… I have and still at times go through being made to feel like what the hell did we get married for feeling, she too does not want me to touch her ANYWHERE AT ALMOST ANYTIME… AND SHE DAMN SURE DOES NOT TOUCH ME…unless it is to wake me to move over when in fact she takes over my side of the bed…then there are times when she hovers on the edge of her side of the bed… I feel like I have to send out a search & rescue party for her. Sex, is still only on Saturday morning. Routine act of mercy of and for me… anything fun is out of the question, so I feel your pain there also. But, I’m one up on you… we do sometimes discuss how I am feeing, I do get that far, then I get blamed for sex being the only thing that I think about. NOT… I have a PS3, I only play it before bed to make up for the loving that I desire from and of her. I would like to go hoop, but who is gonna cook and make sure that the tribe is ready for school the next day while she is busy on the PC moderating. Now, don’t get me wrong… I love my honey and will do any & everything for her, Sunday evenings most of the time without fail, I spend time willingly & lovingly doing her toes for her…its cool to know that I can pleasure her without having to dread her with it being sexual… oh and much like yourself, I too love my wife’s everything about her as well as I let her know how much I love and adore her. I don’t know really what to tell you my husbandly friend… just keep being patient like a bird sitting on a monument, she (meaning both yours & mines) will make it around to noticing that we are here for them as husbands that they signed up to be with years ago. P.S. My wife and I do find time to go on a date or two and I agree do what ever you can to not have an affair. Good luck to you. A fellow good husband
MarriageZone Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I think every relationship faces situations such as these...I guess it is how we deal with them that makes or breaks the relationship I know I deal with the house being a mess issue and I would 10 hour days sometimes though it has been less hours recently I just don't feel like cleaning when i get home and I feel like my husband should do more around the house to make it easier for me and it annoys me to no end sometimes I think you need to take the good with the bad It sounds like overall you have a positive relationship that tends to feel strained from the stress of taking care of small children that can be very demanding and maybe she does feel like she is not desireable to you...Us women tend to feel that way sometimes I think you need to take more vacations to destress and take the pressure off of both of you! Love will come good luck!!! Couldn't agree more! You (men) see beauty and we (women) see un-attractive.
Author ArdicWolf Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I appreciate the detailed replies! Feels nice just hearing some support. wildflower, agreed we need to take time together. I know our trip to Boston was a breath of fresh air. I am going to take the initiative to plan a date night with once a week or every other. Just need to find a good sitter. Marriagezone, true - on one hand I feel like she spends all of her day at the computer, but at least she's there when the kids need her. But, I do wonder how they feel that she is on the other side of the french doors so much of the day. There are days when she get out of the house, too, for MOM club things with the kids and such. If she was running a website and not playing games, I might feel differently I suppose. It just all seems like wasted time to me, when there's so much to do around the house. Every time I try to communicate with her now it gets rebuffed quickly. I guess the fact that I brought up the mess as one of my primary concerns, she doesn't want to discuss anything else. And I'm esure she sees it as me wanting to change her. I don't mention the medication as she assumes that has to do with the libido only - and my want of sex - not her well-being or trying to understand it better. Think I can just start with "are you happy?" and get anywhere? Most of the time when I ask her something she hardy seems to think before answering with a quick "I don't know". I usually preface such questions with "take time to think about it" first. I am always volunteering to help with anything - when she's doing laundry, making dinner or whatever. I try my best to let her feel like it's all on her. Of course she says she's happy, and never says otherwise, but she has said she'd like to go to work once the kids are at school. There was not a career she passed up for kids, but I'm sure she'd rather be out of the house and away from the mess if she could! I have never even considered an affair, as many years ago when I was dating I had one (1) transgression with an ex-girlfriend who promptly told my current girlfriend. The hurt I felt for my then-girlfriend (NOT my now wife) and how ashamed I was I won't soon forget. It wasn't worth it. It also made me realize what kind of position it puts you in. I love my wife too much to ever hurt her that way. We have a great trust between us. cottoncandy, I've tried the 'box for mail' and that was big failure! I tried hard, too. Making it look nice probably won't matter as it will get cover up in crap sooner. ;-) I would pay the bills if she would want me to - but just like dinner (she's a very picky eater), laundry (I don't sort her way), and shopping (extensive lists of specfic items I never seem to get right). Bills she has spreadsheets and a method that I wouldn't assume to do the 'right' way. The things she does do, she wants done exactly as she wants it done. One time I setup the filing system (because boxes were sitting for months untouched) and she doesn't use it because I did it 'wrong'. Your welcome. She was addiced to ebay for awhile - we have roughnecks full of unsold baby clothes. Lately it's been Kingdom of Loathing and Mob Wars on facebook. She'll go check mob wars during dinner preperation. Dunno if we lost money on all the baby clothes or not... I'm beginning to think more and more it's an 'attractive/unattractive' issue. I need to find a way to help her feel better about herself. If I exercise, perhaps she'll join me. Encouraging her to pick out some new clothes. Going out to dinner. Obviously my compliments and committal to her are really not enough. The computer is her escape; where she can be in full control of things, I surmise.
strongertoday Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 OMG that was me 2 1/2 years ago...... Mind you my husband (now ex) did nothing except work and play computer...I pottered around the house, never really cleaning just keeping busy...then I found chatting on the PC and all hell broke loose. How dare I have an interest and friends...lol. Cleaning and organisation are a learnt thing. And everything is easier to do when its clean in the first place...so the effort required at the start is huge, and overwhelming at times. (or thats how I felt) You seem to be doing all the right things....you help with the house and the kids and are there to help her for crisis cleaning when needed (I did that too, all the time). Take heart in the fact you are pulling at least your weight here IF NOT MORE. Seems to me there are some underlying issues be them medical or emotional and I would guess a bit of self worth issues too.... My advice is....get a babysitter FAST.....take her out to movies and dinner...even a picnic in a park at night with candles works a treat.....gets her focus off the PC, off the mess, and onto her man, which is where it should be. And as for the mess.... best thing I ever did (after hubby left cause he didnt approve) was get a cleaner in once a fortnight to do the floors and the bathrooms. Only cost me $AU40 but it meant I HAD TO clean up the clutter first. NOTHING beats coming home to a clean smelling house !! and having the cleaning lady come tomorrow morning MAKES you get off the PC and tidy up. I wish you all the best
Author ArdicWolf Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 I wanted to follow-up on this. Things seem better, if really unchanged. Our company Christmas party is this week, so we'll have a night out. I plan on pushing for a weekly or bi-weekly planned night out. Just crazy around the holidays. I'm feeling better this week because we had a nice coupling session a few nights ago. She was still all jumpy about me touching her in certain places, but we had a few laughs and some fun together. Mostly we laughed because we put the kids to bed and headed to the couch in the basement! It felt like we were sneaking away from our parents or something. I'm trying my best to just put up with the mess around the house. I suppose there will be a day when I can gain some kind of control over the house. I'm guessing part of my problem with it is that very fact - that I feel I have little control over anything. Cleaning the house is a pretty much useless endeavor as it's a mess within a few days anyhow. It irks me to no end that no effort is taken to maintain some kind of order anywhere in the house. Not by the kids (that I understand) but by the wife. Sorry, I'm complaining again. I did consider a Merry Maid. My concern there is that I can't expect that they'd clean the 'clutter'. The bathrooms would be a nice, though. I checked out synthroid, her medication. She did go to an endocrinologist, so I must accept that the dosage is correct for her. I have read that it may not help libido (although there is some variant that may) but I hesitate to suggest it because she'll feel it's simply to get me more sex. I can accept that she's just healthy I suppose. At least she's good at always taking her meds. So my plan is to: 1 - make sure we get out of the house on a regular basis 2 - ignore the mess and get by 3 - be happy with the sex I do get, and leave it up to her to tell me what year she wants me to give her an O. It's been very nice to have a place to vent and get some real feedback. I appreciate it. Any more words of encouragement will be happily received.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I would consider locking her out of the internet. Do you have more than one computer? If you have only one, you will need to find a way to either lock it up or lock her out with a password - or, simply remove it from the house altogether. She is using that as an escape from your life together. She is likely overwhelmed and is finding a life on the internet that takes her away from her real life. She needs to unplug and relearn to interact more with her her children and with you, and do more to hold up her end of the marriage. It will probably sound old fashioned and mean, but she really does need to be less of a slob and do her part to keep your place clean. The libido stuff can come later, but I can guarantee you this: as long as she is plugged into the internet for a majority of her day then you can come to expect that nothing will ever change. Your wife will continue to become more overweight, your house will become more messy, your children will be raised with a mostly absent mother, and you can kiss sex goodbye for the rest of your life. I am all about understanding when there is a medical situation causing a marital breakdown, but I think your problems can be helped by turning off the internet, setting down some fair co-cleaning schedules, getting your wife on a workout schedule (trust me, she will feel better with regular exercise), setting a sleep schedule (more important than you may think) and working on spending family time together and some date time together (even if it is a weekend day and you can find a babysitting service to watch the kids for a few hours).
Author ArdicWolf Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Yup, that's exactly what I've been feeling, but I've been afraid to accept or express it. Probably because I don't know how to approach it. Should I treat this as something as serious as addiction? I have tried to speak with her about how much time she spends on the internet, but she quickly gets angry, might stay off for a day or two, but it all returns back to the way it was eventually. She'll be in a very pissed-off mood the whole time. And it's never a good time for that, is it? (Excuses excuses... I'm good at that for sure.) I can understand why she needs to take a break - and I don't expect her to spend ALL of her day directly interacting with the kiddos. But it seems all or nothing for her. It's probably akin to an alcoholic just "having one drink". She can't just check her email for a few minutes and get away. It turns into hours. I know whenever I say good night and she says "I'll be up in a few minutes" that really means I won't see her till 3 am, or the morning. Suggesting professional help is frightening for me. But it may be what I have to do. I don't know how to.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Should I treat this as something as serious as addiction? It is a serious addiction and should be dealt with accordingly. Cold turkey will probably be the most effective way, but also the hardest. If you were to cut the internet and cut off her access to the computer, all hell would break loose. It will take time but it really should be dealt with now and not later. There have been women who have given up custody of their children when forced to choose between internet or being a parent. Don't let your wife become one of those women.
reddog63 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I'm a first time-poster here. I've read through many threads on the board and I've already got some great hints for my situation. But I felt the need to discuss this with someone. Here goes... I've been married for 9 years now to a loving wife, and we both care for each other very much. I think we have a somewhat hectic life which includes a 4 1/2 year old and a 20 month old that we both, at times, get frustrated with (of course). I work, she is a stay at home mom. I earn a decent salary, so we don't worry too much about finances. I've been having lots of problems over the past few years with migraine headaches which I am addressing with Imitrex, CPAP, exercise, physical therapy and meditation (!). I truly hate feeling bad as it keeps me from enjoying my family, but I sometimes believe the situation at home contributes to the headaches. I disagree..............A loving wife would want to meet your needs.
Recommended Posts