dema1 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 A lot of people say once you break up with someone, its over completely, no more contact. However, I have to disagree. I do not believe in burning bridges if you don't have to. If you and the other person break up on good terms and you both agree that there are no more romantic feelings still there, then it is possible to still have a friendship afterwards. If you were friends before you started dating, then you always have the friendship to fall back on if you do not work out as gf/bf. I'm just speaking from my personal experience. I would like to know what everybody else thinks about this.
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I would hope that people when selecting an SO, would have not only had romantic feelings for them, but actually liked and respected them as people. If there was never any like or respect, I suspect that friendship isn't possible. I will say that I've never been close friends with an ex. Just friends with most of them, after I've moved on.
Sysyphus28 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 No. Thier are Billions of people in the world that you have not been intimate with. Thier are billions of people who have not deeply hurt you. Being friends with a love that did not reach it's pinnacle is taking away from times you could be experiencing with a NEW and more promising connection. I think MOST people cannot humble themselves enough to be REAL and honest friends with thier ex. Maybe if it was a fairweather relationship, but not if it was something real.
Jordane Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I am good friends with my ex and hope to remain so for a long long time. I love him and this he is an amazing person and hope he finds happiness in his life and when he does, I want to be there to congratulate him and be happy for and with him.
Yamaha Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Few people can remain friends with an ex. Usually 1 of you still wants more or the problems you had in the R will crop up in the friendship. It is possible, after some time has passed, but usually by then you both have drifted away and do not seek out a friendship.
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Few people can remain friends with an ex. Usually 1 of you still wants more or the problems you had in the R will crop up in the friendship. It is possible, after some time has passed, but usually by then you both have drifted away and do not seek out a friendship. If I recall correctly Yamaha, you also don't believe in opposite gender friendships.
Yamaha Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 If I recall correctly Yamaha, you also don't believe in opposite gender friendships. I can have an opposite sex friendship with someone that I have no romantic feelings for. I also can be friends if there is something about them that keeps me from wanting to have a R with them. I will not just be friends if I still have feelings or don't want a friendship. I can be an aquaintances given time if I appreciate them as a person.
Author dema1 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 No. Thier are Billions of people in the world that you have not been intimate with. Thier are billions of people who have not deeply hurt you. Being friends with a love that did not reach it's pinnacle is taking away from times you could be experiencing with a NEW and more promising connection. I think MOST people cannot humble themselves enough to be REAL and honest friends with thier ex. Maybe if it was a fairweather relationship, but not if it was something real. I have to disagree with you Sysyphus28. There are times when the relationship went smooth the whole way but then you just grew apart from each other. Even before the whole relationship started, you were friends and agreed to be friends no matter what even if the relationship did not work out. So its possible to be good friends with an ex. Like I said in my thread, I'm just speaking from personal experience.
alphamale Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 A lot of people say once you break up with someone, its over completely, no more contact. However, I have to disagree. I do not believe in burning bridges if you don't have to. If you and the other person break up on good terms and you both agree that there are no more romantic feelings still there, then it is possible to still have a friendship afterwards. If you were friends before you started dating, then you always have the friendship to fall back on if you do not work out as gf/bf. I'm just speaking from my personal experience. I would like to know what everybody else thinks about this. the main problem with your "theory" is that most breakups are not on good terms and generally one person still has some romantic feelings towards the other. if you have kids together then by all means you have to stay friendly but if you don't then it will just complicate your life to no end...
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 If you were friends before you started dating, then you always have the friendship to fall back on if you do not work out as gf/bf This isn't always true. It is rare that BOTH people stop caring romantically at the same time so a friendship can happen after a breakup. Another thing, if one or both meet someone else and are in a relationship, it's hard to justify having the ex as a friend, especially if the person you're with has a problem with it.
Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I can have an opposite sex friendship with someone that I have no romantic feelings for. I also can be friends if there is something about them that keeps me from wanting to have a R with them. I will not just be friends if I still have feelings or don't want a friendship. I can be an aquaintances given time if I appreciate them as a person. But that's just it. No one should try to be friends if they still harbour romantic feelings or anger/bitterness. You can only be friends, if you've truly moved on, which includes forgiveness whether to them, yourself or both.
orangehose Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Friendships with exes are unusual but can happen. I actually have a decent friendship with one of my exes, whom I dated for about a year. It was a very civil breakup, we've both long moved on emotionally, and the past just isn't a big deal. Mutual respect was maintained throughout. On the other hand, I don't anticipate ever having a friendship with my last ex, because of HOW things ended, and also the intensity of the relationship. I guess my point is, yes, you can have a rewarding friendship with SOME exes... it depends on the nature of the relationship, and the nature of the breakup.
Author dema1 Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Friendships with exes are unusual but can happen. I actually have a decent friendship with one of my exes, whom I dated for about a year. It was a very civil breakup, we've both long moved on emotionally, and the past just isn't a big deal. Mutual respect was maintained throughout. On the other hand, I don't anticipate ever having a friendship with my last ex, because of HOW things ended, and also the intensity of the relationship. I guess my point is, yes, you can have a rewarding friendship with SOME exes... it depends on the nature of the relationship, and the nature of the breakup. I agree with you 100%, orangehose. Couldn't have said it better myself.
officegirl Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My boyfriend was friends with his last girlfriend for 6 years before it turned into a romantic relationship. In the beginning of our relationship, he tried to justify the "friendship" they still maintained and I tried to play it cool. What I realized is that this girl still wanted him, even though things ended very badly. I soon realized that she called him quite frequently to discuss her life problems and gave me the polite brush off whenever I'd see her but insisted that she absolutely loved me and wanted to hang out with the both of us. Hogwash. I am a woman and I saw very quickly her true intentions. I sat him down and finally told him that if he had unfinished business with her, then he should go finish it and leave me out of it. I also did not put the blame entirely on her. I told him that I knew that there was a reason for her calling him incessantly when she had problems, but that there was also a reason he kept answering the phone. And that I wanted no part of the two of them belaboring the dissolving of their relationship. I think people hang on for a reason. And coming from the other point of view, I will say that it is very bothersome to be with someone who hasn't let go of the past. There are other friends to be made. Leave the exes where they belong.
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 If the breakup was acrimonious, if either person was seriously upset by it, don't stay friends. If you just realised you were better as friends than lovers, amd parted for that reason, then it's fine to stay friends. Most people have relationships that, if you took away the romantic and sexual part, would be non-existent. I.e. they would never be friends in a normal situation, it's only the relationship and attraction that brought them together. These ones never work out as friendships after the breakup. But relationships with someone you could easily have been platonic friends with otherwise, can work fine post-breakup. The key thing is that neither person must still want a romantic relationship. They both must be totally fine with, and actually prefer, things as friends rather than anything more.
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I think people hang on for a reason. And coming from the other point of view, I will say that it is very bothersome to be with someone who hasn't let go of the past. There are other friends to be made. Leave the exes where they belong. Do you apply that same logic to same-sex friends? You know, your bf hangs with his guy friends for a reason - is that also "not letting go of the past"? Aren't there other friends to be made? This makes no sense because you are already presuming exes cannot be normal friends. If an ex is a genuine friend, rather than hanging around in hope of rekindling romance, then she or he in no way belongs in the past.
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 This isn't always true. It is rare that BOTH people stop caring romantically at the same time so a friendship can happen after a breakup. Another thing, if one or both meet someone else and are in a relationship, it's hard to justify having the ex as a friend, especially if the person you're with has a problem with it. It's rare but it does happen sometimes. Why is it hard to justify having the ex as a friend? If you are friends with someone, this requires no justification. If the new person has a problem - well that's their prerogative to say so and move on to someone else.
Queen of Diamonds Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 My boyfriend was friends with his last girlfriend for 6 years before it turned into a romantic relationship. In the beginning of our relationship, he tried to justify the "friendship" they still maintained and I tried to play it cool. What I realized is that this girl still wanted him, even though things ended very badly. I soon realized that she called him quite frequently to discuss her life problems and gave me the polite brush off whenever I'd see her but insisted that she absolutely loved me and wanted to hang out with the both of us. Hogwash. I am a woman and I saw very quickly her true intentions. I sat him down and finally told him that if he had unfinished business with her, then he should go finish it and leave me out of it. I also did not put the blame entirely on her. I told him that I knew that there was a reason for her calling him incessantly when she had problems, but that there was also a reason he kept answering the phone. And that I wanted no part of the two of them belaboring the dissolving of their relationship. I think people hang on for a reason. And coming from the other point of view, I will say that it is very bothersome to be with someone who hasn't let go of the past. There are other friends to be made. Leave the exes where they belong. I soo agree here... I myself was on the other side of a "friendship" between two ex-lovers... it is NOT a good feeling. I myself have had very few ex's that could remain friends.. mainly because as some have already said... thee were either still feelings or too much hurt and pain between us. I have had a VERY few who I have been able to stay friends with. and currently I have tried to remain friends with my last ex (even though it was he who had the ex's) its him who is trying to remain friends mostly.. and like you say I think it is his idea to remain friends so he can keep this hold on my heart. he knows I love him dearly and thats why I dont want his friendship.. he continues to check on me and tells me how he does not like seeing me with others or hearing that I like someone. I continue to be nice and try not to argue with him but I let him know frequently that his oppinion of who I date does not matter and it is no longer his place to worry who or what I do. and I asked him to not check on me.. yet he continues.. I assume this is cause he has realized he misses me.. and it is not a matter of remaining my "friend" if it were he would be happy for me when I am happy.. and he would not tell me how it hurts him to see & hear these things. I think it is a rare deal for two ex's to remain friends and in the few cases where I have remained friends it was because there was a very dear friendship or a huge amount of respect and that at the time of the break up things had become mutual with why and how the break up occured.
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