feelrealempty Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 MY DH has hired someone to do his books for his buisness. He did not tell me first and just brought her into my home. I was very upset and uneasy about the whole thing and I let him know. The second week she was there he left to go to the supply store with her in his truck and took our son. Brought home lunch and had her sit down for lunch at my table with all of us. He knows I do not approve at all it's causing alot of problems. She came the other morning I had to leave for work and leave the 2 of them in my house. She walked in my house and wiped my daughters nose. Lastnight's fight was over the soda in my fridge he bought for her to drink while she works in my house. I've been told by friends and family some say I'm wrong others say I'm right. I'm am ready to leave because it's upsetting me so badly. Please give me some advice. Part of me just wishes I could find away for it not to bother me because it's causing big problems.
2sure Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 If your H works from home and has his office at home, she is a hired employee . To begrudge her keeping her lunch or a drink in the fridge is wrong and small. A Family Business that has an employee should be happy that the employee doesnt mind the kids around. If your husband's business office were not in your home, he would be spending time with this employee just the time. Is the problem having ANY employee in your home or just this employee? Having someone share a home office can take getting used to. But since the business owner has hired this person, the burden to make it comfortable is with you and your husband. To be honest, it sounds like you have a problem with this particular employee...and thats ok. It sounds like you feel threatened and uncomfortable. If that is the case, this is your HOME - if you are not comfortable with a person in it, a change simply must be made. And you dont need a fool proof reason. The fact that you are not comfortable with it is enough.
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Do you have reason to think that they are having an affair? Is this woman married or does she have a boyfriend? In all honesty, I think you're overreacting abit. She's been hired to do his books for his buisness. Now, maybe if she is over stepping and getting too personally involved in your lives, your marriage and playing mommy to your kids, then yes, it is a problem, but wiping your childs nose isn't a big deal, sounds like she was just being considerate. Or maybe seeing a snotty nose bothered her so she did something about it.
Moose Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 "He knows I do not approve" "She came the other morning I had to leave for work and leave the 2 of them in my house."Totally unacceptable conditions, and not honorable of him at all. He needs to either: A. Find someone who can do the books electronically, (VPN into his computer from a remote location) B. Do them himself C. Have him show YOU how he wants them done Just my .02
prismfaerie Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I understand that he runs a business and needs an employee, however he runs this business out of a home. The home he shares with YOU, his WIFE. It is also YOUR home. To not consult you before bringing another person into the home YOU TWO SHARE is completely disrespectful and inexcusable. It's your home too. I do think you're overreacting about the food -- the lady needs to eat. However, your emotions are escalating not only because your husband changed your home environment without consulting you, he's treating you like your feelings don't matter. If he's at all interested in respecting his wife he'll come to the table with you to help work out a solution that's good for everyone. You may need to be the one to make the move. Try to gather your wits, clear your head and speak to him calmly about your concerns. Don't attack. Men tend to clam up when they feel they've gotta be on the defensive. Good luck.
Trimmer Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I do think you're overreacting about the food -- the lady needs to eat. However, your emotions are escalating not only because your husband changed your home environment without consulting you, he's treating you like your feelings don't matter. I think this is a very good point. Yes, there are the issues of what your feelings are, and why you are threatened, and whether it is appropriate or not and all that, but the real issue, the one that is at the core of all this, and the one that has the most potential for damaging your relationship is that he is insensitive to something that is deeply troubling to you. Is there a pattern of this in your relationship, or is this a rare and unusual dynamic between you? (And yes, please also address in more detail whether you think something inappropriate is going on between them, or whether it is mainly that your space and territory has been encroached upon, and your concerns are not being taken seriously.)
angie2443 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I understand that he runs a business and needs an employee, however he runs this business out of a home. The home he shares with YOU, his WIFE. It is also YOUR home. To not consult you before bringing another person into the home YOU TWO SHARE is completely disrespectful and inexcusable. It's your home too. . I didn't know what to think of this situation untill I read this. The truth is, I wouldn't feel confortable with the situation either. For me, the home is a private place and I wouldn't like my husband running a business out of it if it meant that he had other people hanging out at the home on a near daily basis. Yes, we have friends and family over. Sometimes my husband has friends over when I'm not around and visa versa. To have this happening on a daily basis, though, I wouldn't like at all. This is your house to. It is not a public domain. You have a say so in what goes on in your house. Don't let your husband disrespect you.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Having had a home based business with employees (and believe me, when the business grows to the point where you need help, that's a good thing!), it's very easy to create a separate work space and living space with boundaries. I don't think it's so much what your H is doing, it's how he's going about getting it done. He can get a small fridge and table to go in the office area - I agree, employees should not eat at your dining room table. There are also similar ways to handle things like bathroom access. I even spend a couple of hundred dollars to have a separate entrance door put in so that employees and vendors didn't enter through our house. All this can be done, just takes a little planning and communication... Mr. Lucky
Walk Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 When I had my business I hired an accountant to do my books, file my taxes, do payroll, etc... She came by once a week and picked up all the paper work she needed, and did the work at her home. She never once needed to stay in my business in order for her to do an excellent job balancing my life. I'd be livid. Hire your own employee, don't consult hubby. Tell him the sudden increase in his clerical staff has become too much for only one janitor. Demand a pay increase for your union members, and go on strike until your demands are met. He wants to run your home like it's his personal place of business, then he should have at least given you the same curtesy he gives his employee's at work. Office staff knows more about what's going on then you're told.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I did books for a few small businesses, and did it the same as Walk explains...get the paperwork, take it home, do the work, send an invoice. FRE, I looked at your old threads...you know what's going on. What are you going to do about it?
Author feelrealempty Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Thank you all for your help just came to the desk to use the computer to thank you and saw for myself she was here with out me knowing, just called cause he's not home of coarse and after asking him 3 times he finally said it was today. So know he knows it bothers me and he's doing it with out telling me. I just told him I'm taking our children (2) and leaving him because of it he had plenty of oppertuniaty to change it and hasn't. I can't live like this ( I was at work all day). Yes she's married and yes I won't ever like or feel comfortable with her for reasons I'll probably never understand and yes he has been unfaithful in the past and no he never makes me feel like he loves me. Now that I have thanked everyone and you all have a little better picture please some advise.
Author feelrealempty Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 help. Did I totally screw up by getting so mad. He'll probably never come home now. Yet he really never discussed going out in the first place
RecordProducer Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 The instances you describe mean nothing, but his past is haunting you. Your second post indicates that there are much deeper issues than this book-keeper. You didn't describe the situation enough. Would he go to marriage counseling? Do you think he would change if you left him? Do you think there are things that YOU could change to induce him to change, too? How old are the kiddies?
Walk Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Now that I have thanked everyone and you all have a little better picture please some advise. The choice you made is an individual choice, and not everyone would make the same decision you made. Heck, your decision might not even be completely rational, but you believe you need to make a stand for your own wants and needs. I can't see a fault in that. You're unhappy, your husband isn't listening (either you aren't being clear or he's refusing to listen), and you decided to take action to change things. I'm a big believer in taking charge of your life and taking action to change things when you're unhappy. So I personally don't believe there was a right or wrong associated with your action. The only thing that matters is what you do with this opportunity now. If you cave, give in due to fear and insecurity, and you go back to how things originally were (or it gets worse) then you failed in what you wanted to accomplish. But you'd only fail because you quit trying. Not because it was a bad course of action. You have an opportunity, you've already taken the first step. You want something better for yourself and your marriage. Either fight to get your marriage to the point where you can be happy in it, or fight to get your life seperated so you can get what you need. Use this period of time to reinforce your commitment to changing the marriage so that you and your husband can communicate and treat each other with the respect you both deserve. Show him you have too much respect for yourself and the relationship to allow him to be indifferent to the issues. He either has to fight with you to keep things alive, or he loses his marriage. Give him the choice, give him the opportunity to make the right decision, but stand firm that if he choses not to work with you then you will leave him behind. Have confidence in yourself. You won't always make the best decision, but if you know what the end goal is, if you know what you want, and you continually fight to get there, then you won't go wrong. You want a relationship where there's communication and respect, correct? Figure out what you want the end goal to be, regardless of anyone else, and put all your energy into making it reality. That's the best advice I can give you in this situation. What you feel, how you think, what you want, is not going to be the same for everyone. You have to be the one to take control of your life and make change occur.
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