D-Jam Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 I know in the essence of a happy marriage BOTH parties need to be about understanding and compromise. I know that to be a good mate/spouse you have to do things for the other person and think of the other person. My angst right now is upon hearing that my male relative isn't coming by our parent's house this Thanksgiving. Instead they're only going to her father's house, but I also wouldn't be surprised if they stop by her mother's house as well (her parents are divorced and her family is kind of divided). In their defense, they do have a nearly 1 year old son who seemingly can't nap anywhere other than home...but I guess I just feel like this has been a running pattern with them. It's always her relatives over ours. Maybe it's my "Greek Patriarch of the Family" logic I have, but I feel like my male relative is a bit whipped by how it seems it always comes down to HER FAMILY. This is not just him, but it seems too many guys out there. I'm not saying he should put his foot down and play "law of the land", but I think with her constantly using the excuse of how her family makes drama when they don't visit, it seems like he's too quick to please...and he's not the only male I've seen do this. I've seen so many guys basically hand over their balls and spine to whatever woman they choose to love...and while I believe a man should be a good man to his woman, it doesn't mean he should put himself on a leash to please. Lord knows I do many things for my GF, because I want to be a good man to her...but if she were to push me to only visit her family on a holiday because of time constraint...I'd tell her "no way". For all those who want to say "well, then I guess you won't ever end up married or with anyone in life", I say I'd rather have a RL on MY RULES than hand over my life to someone else. Big difference between being a good man and being a dog on a leash. WTF? Are men so enamored by the vagina that they give up their own families to please? Not trying to offend anyone, but I'm just upset and venting a bit here. Let me know what you all think. Maybe there's an angle I'm missing here because I'm not married and I don't have any children. I just feel like I lost my relative to another family and my own is dwindling down. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Let me know what you all think. Maybe there's an angle I'm missing here because I'm not married and I don't have any children. I just feel like I lost my relative to another family and my own is dwindling down. once a man gets married and she has his kids then the woman gets more power in the relationship...thats the way it works. most women know this inherently. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 I can understand that you are feeling sad about not seeing your relative. But I have to say that I have some female friends who seem to be quite subservient to their boyfriends'/husbands' wishes and take a lot of crap just to keep the peace. I think it works both ways. People pick their battles for their own reasons. Maybe you can talk to this relative in a calm way about how much it would mean to you and/or the family to see him for a while on holidays? Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Jam Posted November 24, 2008 Author Share Posted November 24, 2008 Alpha...I understand your viewpoint, but I also think it's down to the guy if he wants to be the husband or the dog on the leash. While they are coming to visit my family on Sunday, I feel like we have to compete for them on holidays, and yet we lose because the other family makes drama when they show up for a short time or not at all. I could understand if we lived far away from them or something, but I guess this is a necessary evil in their situation until they can maybe buy a home and host holidays themselves...so they don't have to pick sides. I just think it's crappy that my family plays understanding and adult, and yet he's so ready to please her family because they'll become adult-aged children if they don't come by and spend loads of time. Ruby, I've learned that it's best that I don't say anything. I know that sounds like a cowardly answer, but while I am irked and upset now, there are probably angles and information that even I don't know. Maybe the stop at the other family is only for 2-3 hours and then they have to run home to put the baby to sleep. Maybe they are only visiting one house and not two. I'd rather not open up the discussion and then end up in a fight when in reality it's not my affair. If they were not coming on Sunday either then I'd open my mouth. Like I said, I'm not married, and I don't have any kids...so I have to be more understanding that I am not in their lifestyle...and thus do not see the angles they have to face. I think with my male relative and other friends whom I see marry and are having families...they all seem to hand over their balls and spine to their wives. They don't seem to really push equality, understanding, and compromise...and instead think being a good hubby means giving in all the time. Hopefully if the housing market gets better and they can get a home, things will change...or even when their baby gets older and isn't as high maintenance as he is now...although this crap has been happening even before they had a son. I guess I'll just never understand because I look at RLs differently, and would take being alone for life rather than do the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 There is an age old saying: A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life. I'm not saying its morally right or that it always holds true - but certainly it seems to be the norm. My family is small, my parents deceased, and I am close to my siblings. Before I remarried, we stuck together for the holidays because we otherwise might be alone. My H's family is large and MIL expects all of her children and their children for every single holiday. If you dont go, its a big deal. I would rathar be with my family having a quiet , if formal holiday...but we go to his moms with the whole gang. It bugs me. If my Mom were alive, I suppose we'd have a real fight because thats where I'd be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Jam Posted November 24, 2008 Author Share Posted November 24, 2008 I guess I'm just going to have to deal with this then. They want to buy a home specifically so they can host holidays for everyone and tell all the drama-makers "deal with it or don't come". Guess I just have to be patient and deal with things the way they are. I just don't like the feeling like my family is dwindling to nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Two words: Annually alternate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Jam Posted November 24, 2008 Author Share Posted November 24, 2008 Two words: Annually alternate. I agree. Just hasn't been that way since they got married. I'm sorry I brought all this on here. I'm just frustrated and wanted to vent and maybe understand. I appreciate the responses. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 My angst right now is upon hearing that my male relative isn't coming by our parent's house this Thanksgiving. next year your male relative should have thanxgiving at his house Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 I agree. Just hasn't been that way since they got married. I'm sorry I brought all this on here. I'm just frustrated and wanted to vent and maybe understand. I appreciate the responses. D-Jam, it's not that men are whipped, it's more a case of shrugging it off 'cause it's not worth the drama. It's his choice to allow it to happen, therefore he's enabling it. If he really cared that much, I'm guessing he would put his foot down and demand equitable time. There are no victims, except people who put themselves into that position by allowing it to happen. Of course I'm not talking about illegal activities. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 This is why I'm so happy with our arrangement. We don't see either family! Ahh...peace! Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Jam Posted November 24, 2008 Author Share Posted November 24, 2008 This is why I'm so happy with our arrangement. We don't see either family! Ahh...peace! I think peace will happen for them as well when they're able to host the holidays...and believe me I will help them any way I can. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Maybe the holidays are just a bigger event for her family then they are with yours. I never miss a holiday with my family unless we are traveling, but we don't always see my Hs mother on Thanksgiving or Christmas. It is simply because it is always a large get together at my parents house with lots of family but it is more of a small gathering if any at my MILs house. It isn't that my H is whipped it is just that he sees the difference in how our families treat the holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Jam Posted November 24, 2008 Author Share Posted November 24, 2008 Maybe the holidays are just a bigger event for her family then they are with yours. I never miss a holiday with my family unless we are traveling, but we don't always see my Hs mother on Thanksgiving or Christmas. It is simply because it is always a large get together at my parents house with lots of family but it is more of a small gathering if any at my MILs house. It isn't that my H is whipped it is just that he sees the difference in how our families treat the holidays. Good point. Thank you all everyone for helping me to understand this as well. Sorry I used the term "whipped". I guess I won't fully "get it" until the day I am married and if I have children. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 I agree with OP. Don't marry a woman unless you know for sure that you can control her and be the boss. Link to post Share on other sites
Wicked Smile Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 once a man gets married and she has his kids then the woman gets more power in the relationship...thats the way it works. most women know this inherently. The way I see it is a lot of men avoid conflict like the plague. Let's face it. If I have to get in a conflict then most likely someone's going to be missing some teeth or worse yet, maybe I could be on the receiving end of it. Not many men I know talk things through. We get angry and then we walk away and cool down, usually quickly. Women tend to get upset and stay upset longer than men. So when men get married rather than sit down and explain why dividing up family time evenly, they tend to just cave. Not me though. I learned a LONG time ago. Once you stop being honest with yourself and your wife then the marriage suffers. I make it a point sit down and explain how important BOTH our families are to us. And she relates to this. Matter of fact it turns her on. Which I find funny. Link to post Share on other sites
flc Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 When I was married it was simple we did Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other. We alternated this every year and it worked out fine. Trying to do both families on one holiday with small kids is too complicated. Sometimes we would host and both sets of inlaws would come to our place. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Most men are indeed whipped but I will be spending Christmas with my in laws because I can't stand my family and I am far from whipped or a doormat for any woman. I do agree though that most men let women walk all over them and in the end she still leaves him. I am not saying that a man should be a controlling jerk that treats his wife like a piece of property but don't let her walk all over you either. Link to post Share on other sites
2Old Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I am a very independent woman, and my husband is pretty dependent, so you would think that I would be in control, right? Not really. I think if a man is "pussy whipped" as my husband likes to call it, it's because he wants to be. I don't "let" my husband do things, he makes his own decisions, and I make mine. We have been married 22 yrs, and I have yet to train him to do one thing and I can be more than a b!tch. I think dominance in a relationship can go either way, if one partner lets it. My motto in life is that you can't be a doormat without giving people the go ahead to treat you like one. Same goes in relationships. My mother raised 3 kids by herself after my dad died. And yet, she remarried and has let her husband completely control her. She whines about it, but when I remind her that she can do what she likes, her excuse is that she doesn't want to fight. WTH? She is a grown woman, if she wants to visit her grandchildren she shouldn't have to ask for permission. But, that is her choice. And it is your cousin's choice. Maybe, his wife is a rip, but he has decided to let her call the shots, so who is to blame, her or him? Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 D-Jam, it's not that men are whipped, it's more a case of shrugging it off 'cause it's not worth the drama. Is that not the definition of whipped? Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Haha all men are whipped? Come on now! Men have been dominating and controlling women for centuries and suddenly some women reverse things and men can't take it? Welcome to what women have suffered for years until recently! That said the modern concept of a happy relationship is one of equality. Just as some women are abused, beaten or controlled by their husbands, some men are whipped. People just need to learn EQUALITY AND RESPECT, instead of the natural human ego and power struggles that occur. Link to post Share on other sites
Centuris Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I agree with the basic "men are whipped" angle but I have a question, if you think you have an unequal relationship with your spouse how do you revise it? Is there no way to change the dynamic of a relationship after it's in a pattern? Kind of lame, but does anyone know of some good books in this area? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 My ex husband was actually whipped by his mother. She was the most evil controlling woman I've ever met in my life. She was so insistent that he be present for every holiday and that caused a rift in our relationship. If he tried to arrange coming to my place for x-mas- she'd lose her mind. She'd scream at him, fly into rages and tears... call him a horrible son. It was awful. What ended up happening is that him and I spent holidays apart. He'd go to his parents, and I'd go to mine. She treated me so badly when I accompanied him on visits that I had to stop going. She hated me from the moment I met her- sat at the kitchen table and told me how great and pretty his ex gf was... Link to post Share on other sites
audrey_1 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 If our parents lived reasonably close to one another, I would want to split time if possible, if he wanted to spend time with his family. If he chose to be with only mine, that would be okay. Depends on the circumstances. If they lived too far apart, I'd try to annually alternate. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I was reading this article in a men's magazine while waiting to get my hair cut about how men are growing their balls back and I was really agreeing with it but then at the end it said that men never really win the battle of the sexes. I almost want to give up carrying the water for men because when it comes down to it men are afraid to grow any balls and stand up to feminism. They talk a good game but a woman gives them a dissaproving look and they are bending over backwards to please her highness. If men these days are happy being snivelling wimps who let women walk all over them fine but I don't want to live life on my knees like that. As far as I am concerned men are raising the white flag. Link to post Share on other sites
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