Spinning Head Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Posting on this board and reading comments to my posts really helps me to sort through my thoughts and feelings. As I posted earlier, I reconnected with MM a few weeks ago. Things were very intense. MM send me these texts over the past few days: I'm counting on our love for each other to get us through this life change; It's my love for you that makes this life change possible; If you have any doubts, you should know I love you with all my heart!; I love you with all my heart!; Please don't worry - I know its difficult now for you but we're so damn close!. Those are just a few of the many texts and statements he sent to me. And, of course, I received flowers last week with a card stating 'Thank you for loving me so much'. According to MM, he has an appointment with a divorce attorney on December 10th. According to MM, he told his W about us and that he loved me. According to MM, the family was meeting yesterday and he was telling them that he was separating. I haven't heard from MM since Saturday night. No calls, no texts, nothing. I did text him a few times yesterday and received no response. I have refrained from calling him today. I am deeply hurt. And, I know that I need to move forward and push MM out of my head.
Owl Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 You would have expected that he would have contacted you for support after telling his family, no? So the best, most likely assumption is that he DIDN'T. AGAIN. Again, you can't trust his WORDS...it's his ACTIONS that will tell you where his heart truly is. What are his ACTIONS (what he's doing...NOT what he says he's doing) telling you?
Author Spinning Head Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 Well, I IM'd him to find out what is going on. MM stated that he was not leaving his W. MM stated that he told his W that he felt empty in the marriage, that he had had several affairs in the past and that he could not promise W that he would not have affairs in the future but that he wanted to remain in the marriage. MM stated that he wanted to build the trust back in his marriage. MM told me that he wanted us to remain friends. I do not know what that means. Not a good way to start building trust in your marriage by remaining friends with the 'other woman'. MM claims that he is a wise person now. WTF? It is going to be difficult over the next few weeks, but, part of me is glad that this chapter of my life is about to close. The endless false promises are overwhelming. If I can make it through the next few weeks, I think I will be the strongest woman I have ever met.
Shannon2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 He told his wife he may continue to have affairs in the future? This guy shouldn't be in ANY relationship. Be glad that you are out of it.
Owl Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Of course there's no way that the two of you can "go back" to 'just friends'. He's clearly not all that wise after all...says "Owl"!!! Nope...what he's wanting out of this is exactly what he's HAD out of all of this...the both of you. He wants his wife and his family...and he wants his affair(s) as well. Which leaves you the simple choice...do you want to remain his OW, or not? He may be CLAIMING to want to remain friends...but that's not the reality. What he's wanting/planning is to resume the affair when the coast is clear. And frankly...given exactly what he told his wife...if its not you he's cheating with, it'll be someone else. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it? He's pond scum...and you deserve far better than this.
wildsoul Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Well, I IM'd him to find out what is going on. MM stated that he was not leaving his W. Wow. I'm blown away at how he could put you though that. Sorry, SH. (((hugs)))
Author Spinning Head Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 I can't continue in this R. It is too much drama for me. And, the emotional roller coaster makes me physically sick. No, OWL, I don't feel all warm and fuzzy inside!!! I feel lower than pond scum at this point. One comment MM made to me is that he likes the courtship more than the commitment - that he is "in love with being in love". Whatever the hell that means. I'm sure his W would like to know that since he has made a commitment to her. Bottom line, MM is weak. MM claims that his W stated that he's never given their marriage an opportunity to succeed - this is a 32 year marriage!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 One comment MM made to me is that he likes the courtship more than the commitment - that he is "in love with being in love". Actually, its one type of serial cheater. The one that loves to be in love. Moves from one R to the other. Usually malignant narcissists but not always.
Owl Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 He's addicted to the "in love" stage of a relationship. He's never truly learned how to recognize the "mature love" stages that occur in long-term relationships. He probably only associates those feelings in the beginning stages of a relationship as "love"...and probably doesn't even know or understand how love is supposed to work in a long term one.
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 MM stated that he was not leaving his W. And with that, you need to say goodbye and cut him out of your life for good and FOREVER. If you don't, you'll always be the OW in his life - YOU deserve better and more. Though you'll never get that from him. You cannot be friends with him, it'll kill you inside and prevent you from moving on, finding someone else.
Author Spinning Head Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 The remaining friends part surprised me. I had stated to MM that if he chose to remain in his M, we needed to end all contact. Today, MM asked to remain friends. But, it is probably an attempt to keep me at bay until things settle at home. It is weird because ten days ago, MM sent a text implying that things were over between us. Then he spent the remainder of the day calling me and texting me. I do not understand the emotional roller coaster ride on which he rode, except that I cannot handle it. I need to figure out how to get through the next few days.
Owl Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Is it possible/likely that the "its over" text was sent in front of someone to convince them that things were over between the two of you at the time?
Author Spinning Head Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 No, I don't think the text was sent while MM was in front of his W. I have spent my entire day crying over this mess. I have spent a few hours IMing MM. Amazing the things MM said. MM stated that he loved his W and wanted to grow old with her. MM said this two months ago when we ended the R the first time. MM stated that he was making a commitment to his W. I mentioned that he had done so 32 years ago when he married her then 15 years ago when he got another woman pregnant. MM stated that he made this new commitment to his W and that he needed to honor it. That the fact their relationship has endured for 32 years says something about them and their love for each other. That being with his W will make him happy. I do not understand how MM can tell me how excited he is about the future with me and turn around and tell his W he loves her. I saved most of the e-mails MM sent me, professing his love for me and wanting to have a future together. I mentioned to MM that if he wanted to be truly honest with his W, as he claims he is, that I should send her the e-mails that he sent to me, which were as recent as last week. Of course, MM wants to remain friends with me. I know the R is over and part of me is glad because I am tired of the destruction it has caused in my life. I do love MM, as flawed as he is, but I've got to get over him and move on.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 SH, I also agree that that text was sent for someone elses benefit. I'm pretty sure that you will be contacted with a somewhat different story if you are patient.
jj33 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Maybe you will hear a different story but dont be that patient. Hes put you through the mill for no reason whatsoever. You dont deserve this. And yes friends is a holding pattern. He sounds like he contradicts himself within minutes of making a statement. Is he the guy whose W said he was disturbed? hes either a terrible liar or so confused it defies reason.
bentnotbroken Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 It's time to stop pretending everything is going to work out for(I am sure his wife has some of the same hope)but you are both dealing with a walking pile of crap. Move on and get the stink off you.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 One comment MM made to me is that he likes the courtship more than the commitment - that he is "in love with being in love". Whatever the hell that means. My take: he's not in love with being in love, he's in love with himself. He obviously thinks he's all that and considers women to be tools to get what he wants. Be the first one to put in a dent in that ego. Don't talk to him again. Don't answer his calls, texts, emails. And go out and live it up! YOU are FREE! He's not. GEL
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 He told his wife he may continue to have affairs in the future? I'm incredulous myself that he said this. I'm more inclined to think he said this so that he wouldn't be threatened by the possible "I will tell your wife" scenario. I suspect he's been through that one already and is simply heading it off. I don't even know that I really believe he told his wife about this affair, or if he had a 'talk' with her at all. He wants to remain 'friends' because in his mind, it lessens the chances that you will go to his wife. He may also be interested in an OOW, and looking for a way to let you go and a plausible excuse to give you in order to do that. He knows that telling you about wanting to stay with his W will go over a lot better than telling you about a (possible) OOW.
Author Spinning Head Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Any suggestions on how I forgive myself for allowing this R to take place? How to cope with the feelings of loss, anger, hurt and stupidity? And, how to stop running scenes of the R through my head?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 The key is time, and time spent in strict NC. The longer you are away from him, the less of a stranglehold this R will have on your heart. You have to also make an effort to let go. A simple starting step is to redirect any thoughts that pop into your head about him. If you start to think of him, force yourself to think about something else. You literally have to retrain your brain at this point. Get to a point where it doesn't hurt as much (time, journaling out your feelings, no contact), and then look at forgiveness, and put a fine point on what exactly it is you feel you need to be forgiven for. You'd be surprised how much some long term NC clarity will help you in the long run.
Author Spinning Head Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 I have survived two days of no contact with xMM. There is a sense of relief that the drama and conflict have ended. I am angry at myself for believing the statements made by xMM. Hopefully, I'll get over all of this soon.
Author Spinning Head Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 The NC did not last long. XMM contacted me via texts and IM and phone the day before Thanksgiving and has texted me each day since. Constant texts of how much XMM misses me, loves me, is sorry that he has hurt me, has spoken to his oldest son about his unhappiness, how little effort has been made over the past several days between his W and him to work on their M, how unhappy he is, etc. I did respond to XMM's texts in the following manner: I don't know what you want from me! Your statements to me contradict your actions and behaviors towards me. That I want him to be happy and content and if remaining in his M makes him happy and content, then he needs to remain in his marriage. XMM does not realize it but his ambivalence and fear of making a change adversely affects my interest in him. XMM sounds like a broken record.
SierraRose Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Definitely NC, you have been manipulated enough. However, a broken heart, is a broken heart. I'm sorry to hear of your pain. What had helped me was to keep a daily personal journal of my feelings. It was a way of getting out what was on my mind. I found as the journal got longer, I would go back and look thru previous pages to see how far I had come! It made me realize my bad days weren't so bad anymore. Another suggestion...write a list of realistic goals...Where do you see yourself in 1 month, 6 months, 9 months and a year... This not only gives you something positive to focus on, but with each goal you achieve, you will have a sense of accomplishment. This is a great self esteem builder! This forum has been a great comfort to me as well. Many have been in situations like yours before-you are not the first and wont be the last. The feedback I have gotten here has helped me put things in perspective of my own situation. Keep reading, keep posting....That is why were are all here!
Author Spinning Head Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 I met with xMM yesterday. I was amazed that I did not become emotional at all during or after seeing him. I think last Monday was a big turning point for me. I think we all have 'aha' moments in our life and I believe I had one last Monday afternoon. I pointed out to xMM that he has discussed separating since June. It is now December. XMM supposedly has an appointment with another domestic lawyer next week. From June to December, there have been opportunities for xMM to separate but he has not done so. I pointed out that fact to him. There is always some excuse - the time of the year, his age, his assets/debts, he is 'in love' with being 'in love' (WTF?), etc. I told xMM that everyone was unhappy in this situation. According to xMM, he told his W and sons that he loved me. I feel that I am coming closer and closer to ending my R with xMM. The indecisiveness is ridiculous. My tolerance level for all the drama has almost been reached.
wildsoul Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I feel that I am coming closer and closer to ending my R with xMM. The indecisiveness is ridiculous. My tolerance level for all the drama has almost been reached. It's one thing to follow everyone's advice and attempt NC, etc. (Doing it because you "should.") Yet it's quite another when your own internal boundary starts kicking in. Especially the more quiet boundaries, where you feel non-plussed with an absence of emotion where you used to feel so "in love."
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