chris250 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Just how effective is NC? How long does NC take to completely heal your heart from a breakup?
lofi_tokyo Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 NC is very effective in speeding up your recovery from a breakup, however, at the end of the day, it is the individual that is healing that decides how effectively they will heal. If a person does not allow themselves to let go of the pain and hurt and self-doubt that their break-up has caused them, then they will not heal regardless of NC or not, for example. As for time of recovery? I really think thats a case to case kind of thing. They say it takes half the time you dated to recover from a relationship, but personally, I think most people heal quicker than that. Generally, if I HAD to ball park, I'd say most people heal within 6 months to a year and a half from a 2.5 yr - 5 year relationship.
Ingenue Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I think most people on the boards advocate a no contact approach. It certainly provides the dumper/dumpee a chance to wean him/herself off of the relationship and provide perspective for the individual to assess the relationship. Up until very recently I was strict NC with my ex. I was about 20 weeks into NC and then I spoke to him. In my experience, NC was wonderful in helping me to overcome the grief and debilitating emotions that often come with a break-up. It gave me perspective. I was with my ex for 5 years and despite 20 weeks of NC, I still felt something that I couldn't quite identify. After I spoke to my ex for about 3 hours and we talked about the relationship, ourselves and many other things, I realised that NC served a function for me up to a point. That 3 hour conversation I had with my ex put me more at peace than 20 weeks of NC did. The extent to which NC works varies depending on person. For me, I needed the "closure conversation". I needed to communicate to my ex and I needed to hear that he was similarly tormented and suffering. But I only did so after a long period of not speaking to him.
TeaAbraham Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I needed to hear that he was similarly tormented and suffering.Unfortunately this may not be what everybody hears, and could make you feel so much worse.
Ingenue Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Unfortunately this may not be what everybody hears, and could make you feel so much worse. Absolutely that could be the case. It's why I added the caveat that "The extent to which NC works varies depending on person. For me, I needed the 'closure conversation'" I realise that many break-ups are acrimonious at best. But in my (very particular and specific) situation, my ex was a lousy break-upper but ultimately a really nice guy. We both continue to love each other. Five months apart has done nothing to diminish that but the circumstances surrounding the relationship didn't work at that time. This is why most people advocate NC but it is the individual person who is best able to judge whether or not to break NC. I can only speak of my own experiences.
cubbie30 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 i really wish i had done the no contact thing. my ex moved out stating he needed "time" to think about things. he moved in with the girl that he was texting which caused all the problems to begin with. he wanted to remain friendly and said he would come by and help me with things that needed done around the house. i was frustrated with the situation and there was no discussion of when we might talk about re-evaluating things. he just expected me to "wait" for whenever he was ready. his "friend" put a picture of them together on her myspace. i asked about it. he said it was to "get some guy off her back". sounded reasonable. also, he hadn't given me a dime towards his cell phone (he was on my plan) or food for his dog which he had left with me. i saw him 3 times in 2.5 months. i gave up. i disconnected his phone and told him he was "free". the next day, he took our pictures down and put pics of him and his "friend" on his myspace page. when i texted her 3 days later about the money he owed me, she said "you will get your money when he gets his things, we are getting married". i was shattered even though i had set him "free". he was still telling me he loved me up until i shut his phone off. so i fully believe that No Contact is the way to go, or it would have been better for me anyway.
Surfer Dude Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 There are many ways to heal and get over your ex, but I can't possibly think of the more effective one than NC. It's a life saver for people who got dumped.
ahhhchooo Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 NC definitely makes you feel a lot better than the alternative... being in contact with your ex only drags you down and makes you feel absolutely sick. Contact NEVER makes you feel better, it only gives the illusion that you might eventually feel better. Which never happens.
Mending1985 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I've tried NC over and over again, and keep breaking it and going back to square one, so I can only imagine that sticking to NC would make life a hell of a lot easier When you do it, let me know how
Author chris250 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 So basically NC is like taking distasteful medicine everyday.
TeaAbraham Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I would call the sensation quite a bit more intense than "distasteful."
crazysnail Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I'd also say it's prob like going through witdrawal from an addiction - you know it's (the ex) not good for you but you still miss it and want more and holding back can make you double-up in pain, anger, misery, numbness and zoned out like a zombie (sometimes).
EmperorR Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I'd also say it's prob like going through witdrawal from an addiction - you know it's (the ex) not good for you but you still miss it and want more and holding back can make you double-up in pain, anger, misery, numbness and zoned out like a zombie (sometimes). I agree, its like giving up smoking drugs, alcholol etc., every day you have that craving you want that one more hit one more drink but you know if you do it, it iwll set you back to like day one so you don't.
Sysyphus28 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I'd also say it's prob like going through witdrawal from an addiction - you know it's (the ex) not good for you but you still miss it and want more and holding back can make you double-up in pain, anger, misery, numbness and zoned out like a zombie (sometimes). Thier was a time when I would just stare off into space when I was hanging out with other people just consumed with her. I can snap myself out of it now. "Thier are things I can't control" "I will let this go"
9Lives Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 NC is good if you really are serious about moving on. I also changed my phone number. It was for me so I know he cant call me at all. I was crying my eyes out this morning. I told him yesterday that I love him and I could not pretend. I asked him not to call me and I would not call him and I changed my number. We want different things. He is not into me anymore and I dont want to get hurt anymore either. I just had to let go. It is hard though but I am glad I did it. right now I go back and forth in my head about it but I guess that is part of the healing process. I just love that guy but it will not work between us. I tried so hard
willlow Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Just giving yourself space to concentrate on yourself, your emotions, and your needs is one of the best things you can do to take care of yourself and heal. My relationship was defined by his needs, and it was a real stretch for me to be "selfish" and focus on myself after he cheated. But sooooo worth it. I kinda like me now As for time to heal? Uhh...I'll get back to you on that 15 months and counting. But things do change, sometimes faster than you realize.
Meaplus3 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Just how effective is NC? How long does NC take to completely heal your heart from a breakup?[/quote NC is highly effective when you stick to it. By sticking with NC, you break the emotional connection that you had with the person. By not feeding that connection you are able to heal.. and move forward from the past R. The start of NC might feel awful.. but as time goes on it does get better and the benefits out weigh the tough days. Best wishes to you. AP:)
northstar1 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Just how effective is NC? How long does NC take to completely heal your heart from a breakup?[/quote NC is highly effective when you stick to it. By sticking with NC, you break the emotional connection that you had with the person. By not feeding that connection you are able to heal.. and move forward from the past R. The start of NC might feel awful.. but as time goes on it does get better and the benefits out weigh the tough days. Best wishes to you. AP:) I agree about the benefits, but a few months into NC, it doesn't seem any easier, every day I want to reach out to her.
9Lives Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 You have to think about it. For some reason....it did not work, right? Think about the why you broke up reason. Why things needed to change. I do that. I wrote down everything I did not like. I cry but you know what i have done. I wear the ring he gave me and I tucked him away in my heart, I changed my number, and I am ready to accept that it aint going to work. I wanted it to work really really really bad but we could not get on the same page. I wanted more than he wanted to give. It was very frustrating for both of us. Now he told me we shoudl see other people. Guess what? It is a wrap....bye bye
Sysyphus28 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I agree about the benefits, but a few months into NC, it doesn't seem any easier, every day I want to reach out to her. It's crazy isn't it. CRazy sh**. We still want to say hey what's up babe............what are you up to on friday. They are totally not into it. It's almost funny how stupid it seems. I miss her too man. I miss my x alot. But with the holidays comign I am going to test myself and rise to the test. I am going to let go for new years, that is my resolution..........I will push through NC through new years...........and not talk to her. I need to MAN UP. She doesn't get anything else. period. Nothing.
crazysnail Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Thier was a time when I would just stare off into space when I was hanging out with other people just consumed with her. I can snap myself out of it now. "Thier are things I can't control" "I will let this go" Tell me about it! Once I nearly got into a car accident driving to work because thoughts about him and and our break up just kept going around around in my head and I zoned out and lost concentration. No more!! Stuff him! (easier said than done hehe)
EmperorR Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 It's crazy isn't it. CRazy sh**. We still want to say hey what's up babe............what are you up to on friday. They are totally not into it. It's almost funny how stupid it seems. I miss her too man. I miss my x alot. But with the holidays comign I am going to test myself and rise to the test. I am going to let go for new years, that is my resolution..........I will push through NC through new years...........and not talk to her. I need to MAN UP. She doesn't get anything else. period. Nothing. same boat 66 days NC, every day I still want to just msg but I know i'll just feel like a piece of crap after
alwayssme Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Two weeks of not talking to him and I feel like texting him or sending him a message or hell even calling him. But I know the person I'm trying to call is dead....at least with me he is...the person he USED to be with me, is who I want to call. I'm scared to call him now because as much as it hurts me, I don't even think he cares anymore. he said he does but its BS..he would have called or texted if he did............and i always remember our last convo when he said "he is fine without me"...... sometimes i think its so childish and weird to just cut somebody out of your life completely........when you were planning on always being with them.....it makes no sense when you put it all together...maybe because whenever I lose people somehow we get back on track whether its friends or guys i like or whatever...i guess im taking it hard because its my first love and the first time this happens to me........but this website has been helpful thanks everybody!
Twinkling Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I agree with what everyone is saying. NC helps with personal healing and growth. At the end of the day, when are you at a place where YOU are content, contact or no contact with matter.
crazysnail Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Two weeks of not talking to him and I feel like texting him or sending him a message or hell even calling him. But I know the person I'm trying to call is dead....at least with me he is...the person he USED to be with me, is who I want to call. I'm scared to call him now because as much as it hurts me, I don't even think he cares anymore. he said he does but its BS..he would have called or texted if he did............and i always remember our last convo when he said "he is fine without me"...... alwaysme - be strong! You can do it! Believe me I know it's hard - it's also something I'm struggling with everyday.
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