Should I just move on? !

[4by4]

I need your help! I am currently going through a fairly painful break-up after 4 years with my ex girlfriend. I won’t bore you with how great our relationship was, basically we were deeply in love except the last year or so when I started noticing her slowly drifting away from me. The reason for that is complicated, but I definitely took our relationship for granted and didn’t appreciate her as much as I used to. I had stopped been as caring and appreciative and even stopped taking her out and pretty much preferred to hang out with her alone all the time either at home or at the movies. I’m not sure what made me become so anti-social except maybe I was just going through a withdrawal phase. She helped me a lot through that process but I guess the strain of always putting up with someone so lifeless pushed her to her friends. There she had much better company and much more fun and didn’t have to worry about making someone else happy. Also, I guess the situation wasn’t helped by the fact I started complaining about her spending too much time with friends and making friends with other guys, eventually a combination of all those factors made her walk away.

 

A week ago, she said she wanted a “break” and told me in person, except this break had no definite dates or outcome. She even said “maybe you’ll find another girl and I’ll meet someone too” which sounds a lot like a BREAK-UP. It was clear she wanted to leave whatever outcome of this “break” to chance. She said she needed more freedom and wanted to be single for a while. I agreed with her because I thought a break was best for me to clear my mind, get over my insecurities and get back to living my life to the fullest.

 

It has been 1 week since we went on the break and I already know I still want her. I feel like we share so much to just see it go to waste. We never did anything terribly hurtful to each other and despite the relationship been a little rocky sometimes, it was nothing out of the ordinary for a 4 year relationship. We shared so much in common and I seriously thought I was going to marry this girl.

 

But, despite wanting to let her take some time off and also letting myself enjoy a bit of freedom, I couldn’t get used to the idea of her indefinite “break”. The uncertainty kills me and even though I know she is not the type to seek out other guys and use me as a back up, it still doesn’t rest well with me. I guess I just want to know one way or another, to either move on completely or stay and try win her back.

 

What confuses me even more is the fact she tells me she still loves me and cares for me, but as a FRIEND (and I genuinely believe her as she has never intentionally tried to hurt me, even post-breakup). She said the romantic feeling is lost and she didn’t see me the same way as she used to. I wonder if she is just going through a phase or has lost her love for me forever completely? Funny enough, only a week before she proposed the break, she still texted me every night to tell me she loved me.

 

Anyway, I’ve tried to tell her how I feel, but she says I’m putting way too much pressure on her. She said right now she doesn’t want to think about it and would rather leave it to fate. She said it’s definitely NOT something she wanted to pursue in the short term (meaning 3 – 4 months) but it’s a “maybe” in the long term (1 year). I really don’t know what to do because I don’t want to be strung along for the ride and have her tell me in 6 months she completely got over me, that would suck. Yet I don’t want to completely let go as I really feel we are meant for each other.

 

It’s also weird she still wants to continue been "good" friends and hang out every now and then. She even booked concert tix for me and wants me to still come to an overseas trip with her and her friends. This is actually not typical of her to stay close to her ex as I know for a fact she didn’t want anything to do with her other ex before me when they broke it off. So something tells me she still feels a deep attachment.

 

Anyway, we met for the first time since going on this “break” last night as I drove her home after a party. And when I told her I still wanted to have another chance, she started crying. She said she didn’t feel the same way and was crying because “I loved her too much”. I then told her I couldn’t just be friends and just keep hanging around in her life hoping, I said I wanted to move on. She kept crying and trying to convince me it was okay to go on the trip together and it would be silly not to keep in touch as friends. I didn’t expect her to have such strong emotions but resisted.

 

In the end, I gave all her stuff back to her and said goodbye (possibly for the last time).

 

I really want to know what you guys think. This girl happens to be one of the rare nice ones and when she tells me she just wants a break from it all I actually believe her. The emotions that come out of her makes believe she still thinks we COULD be an item later down the track but I just don’t want to keep hoping. Do you think I’ve done the right thing to go NC? Should I just move on with my life or should I keep the hopes alive?

 

Personally, I have decided to just move on. I actually feel quite okay right now rather than hurting deeply, it wouldn’t be a problem for me to go NC and get over her in a few months. The “break” has actually made me more appreciative of my loved ones and friends. I have become so much more motivated at work, with friends, with my myself. I am taking on 2 or 3 new hobbies, going out lots on weekends in meeting new people and even booked a separate trip with guy friends to Asia for a whole month. BUT, I really do feel it would be a waste and I still love this girl a lot. My current thinking is living my life to the fullest and getting my power and confidence back first and really give it 3 or 4 months NC. I feel reasonably confident she’ll be open to been friends, so perhaps after my trip and at some stage in the middle of next year I could see where she is at? Maybe we would have both moved on but at least I’d be approaching it with the mentality of “wanting” her and not “Needing” her.

 

I would appreciate any input and especially people who have done similar “breaks” with no definite agreements on giving the relationship another go. What was the result? Also why she still cries and feels so strongly about wanting to be friends? Does she see me as a friend? A BF-in-waiting? or an ex? Will the NC and me moving on make a difference to her if she still cared?

[Dmoney28]

quite honestly, it sounds like you already have the right mindstate. If you dont want a "friends" relationship with her....and she wants a "break"...then it sounds like you guys should do that..break. You dont have to be mean or nasty about NC for 3-4 months. Just state the reason, and go off and better yourself...its going to hurt of course, but its better in the longterm in your case.

 

4 years...i dont think someone can stop loving thier ex over 4 months, after that much time together. She still loves you. But it sounds like there is a struggle in her. She dosent want you out of her life totally....but she wants to the friendship you guys had. NC might give her time to get her mind right, Maybe that "romantic feeling" she lost will come back after 3-4 months. The fundemental love will be there for a LONG time im guessing. I had a ex that tried to keep in contact with me over a year....and that was after we both knew it was over and could never work, and she tolde me loved me. Just my 2 cents. Good luck, and be strong.

[oneofakind]

Sounds like you should do your best and move on. Sometimes, a break-up with someone doesn't have to be b/c of constant fighting. From personal experiences, I've broken up with people b/c I got bored with them. It's better to be together when both people have a deep connection and desire for each other than to be in a rocky marriage.

[4by4]

Thanks for your replies guys.

 

I really am torn whether to walk away or not. I know in the short term she will not change her mind but I genuinely believe there is a reason why she prefers to call it a "break" and still wants to hang on to me. I know she hasn't told her parents about it and seems like all her friends know we are on a break and working things out as opposed to breaking up.

 

I don't know if I made the right decision to walk away and tell her I'm moving on. I'm worried she will let go as well, especially now that she has so little feelings left for me. But then again, it just makes no sense to hold on to a friendship when clearly I want more. Perhaps the time and distance away from each other could give her some clarity and she may decide to come back? I suppose if she really felt strongly enough about giving me another go, she knows where I am and how to reach me.

 

Regardless of what happens, I am doing NC for the next 3 months as a bare minimum. I need to look after myself and get to a point where it no longer hurts to not have her in my life. It'll be at that moment I decide whether to make contact or not, who knows I may have already well and truly moved on.

 

The pain I feel is so strange. I long for her and shes constantly on my mind. Yet I don't feel the suffocating feeling I used to feel and I can actually manage to get through a day relatively okay. Over the last week, my appetite has improved and I no longer have much trouble falling asleep, yet I still miss her so so much.

 

We both agree that had it been a different time and place, perhaps we would have been the "one" for each other. It makes me so sad and happy when she says "maybe in a few years we'll meet again".

 

But I take comfort in knowing I don't miss the "friend she has become", instead I miss her as the girlfriend and the love of my life, the person I shared my heart and my soul with for so many years. We had a beautiful relationship while it lasted, the memories bring me tears in an instant. Moving on is the easy part, it's whatever is left behind that is the most difficult.

[Vince Black]

Your answer.....Y-E-S

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

4 years is along time...ur x sounds like what my bf is feeling for mi although he won't talk about nething i assume that is how he feels.....says i love u sumtimes but i feel like he says it jus so i will feel better...we have no communication anymore and he doesn't show that he cares about me anymore he talks to other girls but he won't break it up between us. Im not sure what the reason of him being with me is. Everytime we are having problems which is everyday he leaves everything up to me to decide for both of us. He doesn't really care if we break up but after if we do he always looks for me again.

 

I wish i could let it go like you are and leaving everithing to fate. I know she probably still loves you and that is why she wants you in her life even as friends but not enough as she used to to stay toguether. I think at this stage everyone goes through a confused thought if to stay in the relationship or explore to see what else is out there. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck.

[4by4]

Hey Da_1_n_OnlyN3na,

 

I definitely think we are in similar situations. I'm not sure about your age but I'm 22 and my ex is the same. I think people at this age find it difficult to maintain a commitment to each other even though the relationship may be steady and generally good. Both my ex and I think marriage is very far away (she thinks 30 is ideal) yet we have already done so much together (traveling, establishing professional careers, helping each other with business ideas and life goals, meeting respective families etc etc) we feel it's almost impossible to get closer without getting married or making some kind of a lifetime commitment.

 

Over time, we feel like we can't really move forward and everything seems so routine and boring. I have to be honest even when we dated and were in love, I was thinking secretly to myself if there is someone out there better suited to me. I'm sure she feels the same way and wonders if this relationship really is it! Also, it sucks to have to always make compromises as you typically do in a relationship. I think my ex is a fairly considerate person but she definitely puts herself first before anything else, and despite our relationship been steady and comfortable, it no longer provided her with the excitement after 4 long years together.

 

As I said, perhaps if we met at a different time and place, we could have worked out but as things stand, we are moving on with our own lives, even though it's hurting both parties. I guess leaving it to fate is extremely difficult, it's hard to let someone go after such a long time but I believe in things happen for a reason and sooner or later I'll be able to find out that exact reason. Have to maintain faith!

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

I am 19 and my bf is 18. And um Letting go off of someone is very difficult specially if you have been with that one person for a while. I have ben with my bf 2 years, that's half of yours. I am thinking hard and stressing out right now trying to get that gutt to leave him for good and to not go back anymore because something tells me i am wasting my time and energy in this relationship. but something in me holds me back.

 

And there are some people that don't and can't commit to one person. Specially at this age. Now a days everyone just wants to lift up their self esteem and have fun and party hardy without getting attached to someone. It sucks because others which are few like you and me, that are actually looking for that "right" person. And you're right everything happens for a reason. We just gotta see what god has for us and be patient.

[californiadreaming]

It hurts so bad. I feel your pain man. I was with my ex 5 yrs and I treated her so bad, that is why I lost her. My lack of self love drove away the woman I truly love and it took her to go away befire I could figure it out. It has been exactly a week since I seen her, and 3 days since we parted. Your lucky your ex still talks to you. My ex won't answer my call's but she did respond to a text I sent her today.

 

It sucks so bad. I live alone and that makes it so much worst. I am use to her coming to my house about 8 or 9pm on this day, and although I will wait outdoors I know she is not coming. How some people manage thru this I have no idea. Being in a similar pair of shoes I can relate and be strong is what they're telling me.

 

It's hard. I am so hurt I can't even cry anyore. All I do is sit and talk to myself about what I did wrong, and what I am going to do when she gives me a chance.

 

Good luck man + take it one day at a time

[4by4]

californiadreaming,

 

We are all in it together bro! Trust me just take this breakup as a blessing. There are so many single, available hotties out there and despite the comfort of been in a relationship and having someone there, there is a reason why you treated her badly. You probably tuned out and didn't appreciate her truly for who she was anyway. Often we regret not to have done something but that's life and I bet even if I took you back in time and told you what would happen, you'd still probably do the same things as you did!

 

Think about it, we humans always crave what we can't have and we deal very badly with the feeling of rejection. I decided to work on getting over those 2 things first and it made me realize there wasn't much feeling I had for my ex anyway. If I had to make a list of things I got from her, the list would look something like this:

 

- Sex

- Oral Sex

- Someone to dump all my problems on if I had a bad day and expect to be comforted

- Someone to hold whilst watching tv shows

- Someone to take to outings when I don't know anyone there

 

As you can see, I'm not sure if I really loved her. The feeling of uneasiness for me right now is like losing a pet or any other types of grief.

 

I would suggest that you take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, try relaxing and get on with your own life for a few weeks, then reflect on how you are feeling. And if she really is still the "one" you want to pursue, b all means pull out the big guns, read a couple of good books on gaining her attraction back, it may work. Otherwise, it is just so much easier to start anew rather than fixing something so broken. The time and effort you spend on agonising and trying to win her back could easily be spent on developing new bonds and meeting other girls.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

...i did it again. I tryied braking up with my bf today but i went back with him again. I don't know why i can't leave him. Earlier my mind was set i didn't even feel like crying or anything i felt kind of happy. But then îî took my dog for a long walk and i started crying and i felt weak again. So i took him back. I hate myself lol. Its my fault that i get hurt.

[EmperorR]

...i did it again. I tryied braking up with my bf today but i went back with him again. I don't know why i can't leave him. Earlier my mind was set i didn't even feel like crying or anything i felt kind of happy. But then îî took my dog for a long walk and i started crying and i felt weak again. So i took him back. I hate myself lol. Its my fault that i get hurt.

 

Be strong:)

[californiadreaming]

californiadreaming,

 

We are all in it together bro! Trust me just take this breakup as a blessing. There are so many single, available hotties out there and despite the comfort of been in a relationship and having someone there, there is a reason why you treated her badly. You probably tuned out and didn't appreciate her truly for who she was anyway. Often we regret not to have done something but that's life and I bet even if I took you back in time and told you what would happen, you'd still probably do the same things as you did!

 

Think about it, we humans always crave what we can't have and we deal very badly with the feeling of rejection. I decided to work on getting over those 2 things first and it made me realize there wasn't much feeling I had for my ex anyway. If I had to make a list of things I got from her, the list would look something like this:

 

- Sex

- Oral Sex

- Someone to dump all my problems on if I had a bad day and expect to be comforted

- Someone to hold whilst watching tv shows

- Someone to take to outings when I don't know anyone there

 

As you can see, I'm not sure if I really loved her. The feeling of uneasiness for me right now is like losing a pet or any other types of grief.

 

I would suggest that you take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, try relaxing and get on with your own life for a few weeks, then reflect on how you are feeling. And if she really is still the "one" you want to pursue, b all means pull out the big guns, read a couple of good books on gaining her attraction back, it may work. Otherwise, it is just so much easier to start anew rather than fixing something so broken. The time and effort you spend on agonising and trying to win her back could easily be spent on developing new bonds and meeting other girls.

 

 

Thanks for the advice, The only problem is I have been with hundreds of women, alot of them while with my ex. At the time I saw it as revenge. She'd be mad at me for something I'd do and 'd just go out and screw another chick. It was that way for 4.5 years.

 

But at the same time, It wasn't always that bad. This woman was/is more then sex to me. She was my bestfriend, She was there to hold me when I cry, she was there to bail me out when I was in a bind, she was here for me in every which way. What we built was something strong, she was pregnant with my child. So, for me this is a bit deeper. I love this woman, and was too young, and too dumb to realize that I didn't care about myself. And if you don't care about yourself, you can't care about anyone or anything else.. Hence why I am where I am now.

 

I am having a hard time with this you guys. I am sane, and I have exercises to get me through this but I DON'T want to love another woman. I don't want to met other women, or try something new. I want to love this woman the way she deserved to be loved. Anyone would tell you " Hey dude had a super duper good girl" and I screwed up the best thing that could have come in my life. I am sure that there are plenty of good women out there but the point is I don't want them. I want to spend my life with this woman. I want her to mother my children. And right now, I am not sure if that is going to happen. Here I am waiting outdoors for her to come like she did for 4 yrs, and I know she is not going to come and it hurts...

 

sorry , I am in sooo much pain guys.

[4by4]

Man you must be doing it tough.

 

I'm not sure if there is anything I could say to help. My feeling is if your girl stayed with you through all those good and bad times, she'll still have feelings for you.

 

Try leaving her alone for a while, maybe 1 month to start with and let her have some space. In the mean time, take care of yourself, keep yourself busy. If you are serious about treatig her right and giving her what she deserves, there is no reason why you couldn't attract her again. Be sincere with her about your feelings after some time apart and see how things go.

 

one day at a time

[californiadreaming]

Man you must be doing it tough.

 

I'm not sure if there is anything I could say to help. My feeling is if your girl stayed with you through all those good and bad times, she'll still have feelings for you.

 

Try leaving her alone for a while, maybe 1 month to start with and let her have some space. In the mean time, take care of yourself, keep yourself busy. If you are serious about treatig her right and giving her what she deserves, there is no reason why you couldn't attract her again. Be sincere with her about your feelings after some time apart and see how things go.

 

one day at a time

 

 

Thanks man, I am coping. I will give her space and see what happens. I guess now I really need to find work, and stay focused on myself like you said. The one thing I can say is that although I am going through this I feel really good to know that I have discovered a huge secret about myself. I feel better then I ver have, and I think once/if I get her back it will be smooth sailing because I will value not only her but the fact that she is here breathing on earth. My appreciation for life is so much more great, I even carry a gratitude rock. It just feels good to say " I love myself"

 

You all have a good night, and let's see what tomorrow brings.

[4by4]

That's the spirit!

 

Look we are both in it together. I know I said I can probably move on quite easily, but underneath i do still wana give my last relationship another crack. Like you, I also didn't appreciate all that life had to offer. I tried to be distant from others, got in a rut, basically lost my spark (according to my ex).

 

Now, I feel so energised and hopeful again. I'm proud of what I have acheived in my 22 years on this planet and I feel like there is so much purpose in my life.

 

Try NC for a while, it's the best way to let your ex miss you and reflect on your past. Keep yourself busy in the mean time, get that job, find some new interests, discover a new passion. Believe me she'll be thinking about you everyday even though she may seem like the person who cares the least about you. Perhaps give her month, 2 months and then ask her out to a coffee and bring the new you, be casual, be fun, be positive. Who knows it may just lead to something.. at least if all else fails, you have got your life back on track and that's the best thing you could hope for anyway.

[moonmoon]

4by4 and california I feel for you guys so much, please let me know how it progresses. I am praying I can conclude my thread in a month or two in a way that gives LS members like us real hope.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

i had enough with my boyfrien yesterday. i realised he was never going to vchange and never going to appreciate me and give me the attention i want and deserve. so i broke up with him..i turned off my phone so i wouldnt be tempted to reply to his texts or answer any of his calls. i am going to move on..hopefully this time is for good.. i dont want to go back anymore.

[Dmoney28]

Californiadreaming, send me a private message....i think i can be of some help, i understand your situation

[Cat66]

Should you just move on? well its easier said than done, so my advice is to act as if until it is. That is the only way.

 

 

We really dont have a choice do we?

 

I wont tell you to move on, you cant until you actually do. Just go through the motions, its a mind thing, just try it.

 

 

I vacillate constantly, but I know to keep bringing my mind back to reality which is they are not with me, and there is nothing I can do about it except be ok with it even tho Im not!. It is a roller coaster ride that you have no choice but to be on. So buckle up. tweak your mind and take control over some of those thoughts. When you feel worthless and neglected, take a shower, work out, and understand that sometimes nothing will work but if you dont try you are choosing to stay stuck.