i'm very depressed and i don't know how to LET GO

[mm4184]

i just posted a few days ago about my break up.. please give me some advice... basically i'm in a rut. we broke up in sept after 2.5 years. it was overall a good relationship but got bad towards the end. no cheating or anything like that so we ended on good terms just because we weren't happy and i think he just needed to be on his own (just turned 30 and hasn't been single for 12 yrs) to "reach his goals and get to where he wants to be in life" and i need to regain my independence. we didn't have much contact the first month but he would text me sometimes asking how i am and saying that he thinks about me everyday, asking my friends how i'm doing and saying he missed me. after a month, we ended up seeing each other and sleeping together but then after that night we stopped because he said "we probably shouldn't do that for awhile".. but then halloween week we saw each other again and slept together a few times and talked about how he doesn't want me to settle because he knows that i deserve someone that is 100% in the relationship but that he doesn't want a gf for awhile and doesn't know if we're gonna get back together or not but that there is a possibility we won't. he said he doesn't plan on seeing anyone for awhile and i said the same. it lasted for 2 weeks then things got weird and he just said he didn't want us to get used to it because we weren't over each other and we're not healed, etc. so we decided (more HE decided though) that in order for us to be able to be good friends again, we have to not hang out and talk for awhile so we can get over each other.. i have access too his email and facebook and he doesn't know.. so i know some things i shouldn't and that's what sucks. but at the same time it's so hard not to look through it!

 

then i found out that he went on a date (harmless) 2 days after the last time we slept together. after that, he figured he wasn't ready and he didn't like the girl BUT it just killed me that he even got to take that step into even GOING on one! he deleted my pictures and blocked me on AIM and i just got so upset that i called him and we got in a fight and he was just angry about me not leaving him alone and "letting him live his life" without me trying to figure out what he's doing. he meant by asking him and supposedly asking other people what's going on with him (but not about checking his stuff because he doesn't know that) so now i just want to LET GO and stop being so obsessive. but it's just so hard... he said he would tell me when we can talk because right now he's angry about me pushing him to talk and wanting to know everything. i admit i do but i just want to make sure he's not moving on already because that will hurt me... thinking of him sharing his life with someone else, i cry so much about that.. i know i have no control and i shouldn't think of something that hasn't happened yet...

 

i sound like a mess because i am.. i wake up with so much anxiety and i cry all the time and it's been 2 months. i've been crying for 4 months though because we almost broke up in july and that's when things went downhill. please someone help me and tell me what to do aside from the obvious no contact (after we talk and we end on good terms hopefully) and focus on myself.. i cling to the hope that he'll realize what he's missing one day.. because in the beginning of the break up i know he missed me and wanted to know how i was all the time.. now i'm scared because he's angry and doesn't want to communicate with me.. i just want us to be okay... and somehow have him regret this and fight for me back.. but i just feel like he has so much pride since he broke up with me.. i don't know what to do. i know i need to let go and move on but i just don't know HOW...plus we run into each other all the time. mutual friends and same hangouts and im not trying to change my lifestyle just to avoid him..

[Dmoney28]

my2 cents

 

First of all i want to say you have my complete empathy. I know the situation is horrible. The sleepless nights, the anxiety, the loss of apetite, the racing thoughts...i know. And i know you dont want to hear the whole NC thing. But as of now, you have to give yourself time to heal. This is a grieving prosesss, like when someone you love dies. 5 stages.... denial, anger, deppression, bargaining and acceptance. I have been through all 5 at least 5 times. And it hurts...bad. But honestly, you have to give yourself time to properly grieve.....time to heal, he's leaving, there is nothing you can do about this. And i know everyone says "it will get better in time, trust me" and i would cringe everytime they said that. Its like..."how could you possibly know this pain". But they are right. 4 months for me....it hurts still, but not as bad as it was month one, when we actually broke up. Month one SUCKED!!!! as you know. But the more contact you have with him. The harder it is to move through these stages of grief. You will get to acceptance soon...trust me. But you have to WANT to get there. And you have to give yourself time. Time to cry, time to get angry....but just keep the time frame from getting to unhealthy levels (complete neglect of all other activities)

 

But as hard as it sounds....you have no power in this situation except for you to take care of yourself and your needs. Most relationships have a push/pull effect. The more you push him into talking, the more he pulls away. It might be best to let him go take care of himself...tell him "i love you, I want you to take care of yourself, and be happy". That will let him know you still love him, and you respect his choice. Most people hate to be pressured into doing things. That old saying "if you love someone enough, then you have to let them go"...its corny, its outdated...but its true. You have to ask yourself "Do i love this man enough to let him get his life together and be satisfied with it." He stills loves you, regardless of the fight. His love wont just dissapear in a couple months....and i garauntee he will miss you like crazy. These things have a way of working themsleves out in the end...at least thats what i have been told.

 

Avoid any contact with him if you can. And surround yourself with family. If you need counselling, there is great courage in seeking help if you need it. Be strong, and i can promise you in 2-3 months you will be better if you respect his wishes, and take care of yourself. If this helps great. If not i understand, i just know you will be stronger than you were before. I hope the best for you , and a speedy recovery.

[mm4184]

thank you i really appreciate you taking time to reply.. i'm just scared because i want to talk to him in person because when we talked online and on the phone it was just so bad so i just feel like being face to face would be better and more sincere. i'm afraid that i messed things up by snooping and getting jealous of him going on a date that didn't work out because now he's saying to leave him alone and just let him live his life.. OUCH. but he also said please give him time because he was grumpy about the whole thing.

 

and i don't want to regret having slept with him just 1 month after we broke up because at least better now than later right? meaning, the feelings would have come back either way 1 month or 3 months from now so when people say it was too soon.. and the way we were starting to talk again.. it would have led to sleeping together no matter what i think. i just want to look at it as at least it happened earlier so that i don't hinder my progress in the future i guess if it had happened a few months from now instead.

 

i know i shouldn't hope but does anyone think that now that it happened and now that we're kind of not on good terms (hopefully our talk will help that) that he will never want to get back with me? i know that should not even be my concern but i just felt it before all of this. i felt him missing me and i felt how much he cared when we did start hanging out again... but then i also felt the drift because we started seeing each other more and he said he felt like how it used to be when we were together.. i know he just can't handle a relationship right now and i know he wants to "explore" so i just need help figuring out how to accept that and just move on with no hope and just LET GO... but i have to want that. but i really don't want it! i WANT him to want me back and regret his decision.. i want him to sweep me off my feet again... i'm such a mess! what do i do

[Chelle9203]

I know how you feel. My boyfriend left me to figure out if he can be a family with his ex and baby out of nowhere. After endless conversations of how much he hated her and could never be with her again. And telling me how amazing I am and how lucky he is to have me. I am crushed, and wake up everyday with pain from not having him anymore. I have no appetite, and am pretty much in another world.

 

However, i do know I will meet someone else and find other people even better then him. However, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me so it is very hard for me to accept that even though I try to tell myself that. It has only been about a week and 2 days.. I talked to him everyday for about 4 days. It has now been about 4-5 days since I have talked to him last and I am dumbfounded because i didn't think he would do this to me. He said he just wanted to help her out and wanted to keep talking to me because he cared about me so much....however I am starting to think i was just a back up.

 

The thing is, at a time when I was in a good mood and was accepting the situation for a few minutes, i called him to apologize. I told him he was doing the right thing and I understand and that I am sorry for being selfish and saying some things. Despite what i feel, because i don't feel like that all the time, i have not spoken to him about the situation since. I left it on good terms, and am proud of myself for being civil and mature with him. I definitely don't feel it, but i know thats the last thing he knows about me. So If you have the strength, you can do something like that and then stop initiating conversations, it should be better in the end. He may come back, and I also may never talk to him again, but at least i know i was mature and can at least be proud of that.

 

I feel that you showing him that you are strong and can handle it will be hard on him. He may decide he misses you and come back, or not...but by then you will be over him from being so strong.

[flmomma]

unfortunately i have been in your shoes for 5 months now. . feels like 5 years. my husband left after a really bad argument. the worse part is i told him to leave. i went through all the emotions you can think of. at first my pride, or lack of, took over. i was in denial. i went out for the first time in the 3 years we were together. i ignored him, i pretended that none of it bothered me. i did things that i regret, and that had the adverse effect then what its supposed to. and that pushed him away. then when i realized it wasn't just one of our many separate and get back together's and he moved into his own house and not just staying with friends and family, i went into panic mode. calling all the time, texting, e-mailing. talking to mutual friends. begging him to come home. he always said no, that i couldn't be forgiven. i too, just want him to admit to missing me a little bit, regret the split. i keep thinking that if he misses me, and shows that he misses me it would at least be easier to move on. but when he doesn't care. or i think he doesn't care because he doesn't show any emotion all it does is make me mad, and want to probe more to find information that makes me think he misses me. then, i only find things that hurt me more. i always feel like it is my fault, that i pushed him to this point, that i made him act this way. but there is nothing we can do to take back things that have already been done. even if i could go back in time, as much as i would want to, i wouldn't take it back. because if i never did it i would make the same mistakes in ANY relationship, if its with my husband, or any one else. right now i think im in the acceptance stage. it still hurts. like crazy. i still cry at night, those are the worse. and i still get SO angry whenever the thought of him going on with his life like nothing is missing, and having a good time laughing with his friends, hits me. ahhh, if i could give you any advice, i would say to START now. just sit back and let faith take over. don't inatiate anything right now. don't call, don't e-mail. if you run into him somewhere just say hi, and smile and look like the happiest you have ever been, even though it will kill you inside. men find independence the most attractive. its using their minds to get what you want, or so to make THEM realize what they want, but it works. they get lost in the relationship just like we do, they love a challenge. and pretending like it doesn't bother you, or that its not going to bring you down will make a world of difference. it will take some time for him to show signs of noticing. but he will, and if he never does, pretending to be okay will eventualy lead to believing your ok, then actually being ok! BEST OF LUCK, this is the first time i've ever posted on here. but i'm going to post my story if you want to read it, its going to be LONG!

[TeaAbraham]

Ah Chelle. My ex left me for her ex too. She also told me she hated her ex. She hated him for so long. I was the one saying that he wasn't so bad (although I guess I really did like the fact that she hated him). This is compounded by the fact that her ex happened to have been my best friend. It hurts so badly. So I was just this sh*t in-between the two pieces of your relationship? I thought our relationship was so much different, so much more pure. Makes me so upset. I would never be able to tell my ex what you told yours though. She did not do the right thing.

[Chelle9203]

well, this involved a new born baby that he never tried to see how things went after the baby was born. It's something he obviously has to do whether he was planning on it or not. She somehow convinced him to help her i still don't know how, but he fell for it. When i feel upset, i think about the baby and that she has two parents who are at least trying to work things out for her sake. Besides leaving me to do this, he did nothing for me our relationship was amazing and it is hard to believe that it really meant nothing but i still don't know. How long did she do this to you for?

[TeaAbraham]

Oh, haha. I thought you meant he suddenly decided he wanted to have a baby with his ex. I can definitely see the reason for the situation now, then. How long did she do what?