Staying together for the kids...

[lost_in_life_again]

Lately I have been completely bothered every time I hear that a couple decides to stay together for the sake of the children. I have been reading all of the posts on the OM/OW forum and it seems to be a common theme as to why most people decide to stay in their marriage, but yet continue to have affairs. It's irritating to say the least...

 

My parents separated when I was 4 years old. I believe someone cheated, but I'm not 100% on that. I do remember that when they were separated, they each were seeing other people almost instantly, so I would imagine there was some infidelity for the cause of the separation. In any event, they got back together a year or so later and remained "together" until I was 12.

 

When I was 7 I found a letter that my father had written to my mother prior to moving home, saying that he didn't love her, he found her repulsive to look after gaining weight over the years and that the reason he wanted to move back home was only for the sake of his children. He loved us and "wanted the best" for us. IMO the best would have been to see my parents in a loving marriage, not just co-existing with one another in the same house.

 

After I found the letter, I began to realize the pain my mother felt after accepting him back into the house. He went out all the time, on weeklong vacations with his buddies, but never my mom. He counted cookies she ate or only brought home sweets for us kids and himself, but not for my mom. He criticised her weight any chance he could and I occasionally saw my mom ask him for a kiss and he looked at her with disgust. And this is what was supposed to be "the best" for us--their children.

 

I had a child of my own when I was 22 and got married when I was 23. When I started to feel that the marriage wasn't working and we were fighting all the time, we went to counseling. That only pacified the fights for a short time and our daughter got a little older, recognized the fighting and stood in front of us covering her ears. It reminded me of myself, sitting at the top of the stairs listening to my parents fight after we went to bed. My ex knew how to attack every nerve and I lacked the ability to show restraint from yelling even though, our daughter was around. Still I knew that the fighting was not in the best interest of our daughter and I suggested divorce, but my ex said he would never leave his daughter. Why does it have to be "leaving"? So your not in the same house anymore, you can still be just as involved in their lives and occasionally more involved because you won't be preoccupied with the thought of causing fights with your spouse.

 

I have found myself in "relationships" with two MM, one of the A was when I was still married myself. It's not something, I'm proud of...quite the opposite actually, but after the latest "break-up" I am left pondering the thought process of staying with someone that you have "fallen out of love with" only because you think it's "best for the children". Is it financially better? Probably. Does it allow them to live their life without the stress of a life-altering change? Sure, but do you ever really think about the emotional scars you inflict on your children who are forced to see their parents fight, ignore one another, criticise one another, or have affairs, etc.???

 

I am starting to believe that the fact that my parents stayed together and co-existed in a loveless marriage during my formative years is partially to blame for the reason that I can't find a man that appreciates me for me. I always hear that women tend to settle down with men that are like their fathers and here I am, doing just that.

 

I've started to believe that I am not worth the likes of a decent man, someone that wouldn't cheat, someone that appreciates a strong, independent woman and who can treat her appropriately. Maybe I just don't deserve it because of my problem with dis-respecting committments and vows to God, but then again, maybe I'm just searching for a relationship exactly as what I'm accustomed to.

 

Just some thoughts...I'm not looking to validate my rationale for being the OW and I'm not trying to make anyone else responsible for my actions, just trying to get something off my chest and would like to know your thoughts.

[Agent_99]

My parents split when I was 8. I still remember waking up at night when my mom got home from work and hoping that I wouldn't have to hear them argue again. I remember the hostility I felt. My parents never let us kids think it was our fault. My mom's final straw was when my 6 year old brother begged her to stop letting daddy make her cry.

 

When my exhusband and I realized we couldn't reconcile our diffrences, we split as smicably as possible. Of course there were times that tempers flared, but one of my biggest goals was not to let our son see any of it, and to talk to him about all of it.

 

6 months after we split I had a conversation with my son. He said he was fine, and that he was happy in a way that we had split, because me and his dad were both happier now.

 

It sounds to me that you have some things you need to work through for yourself. You don't deserve ANYTHING for things that you percieve as negative agtions you've taken. There are some good threads on guilt vs remorse. I know that it has helped me deal with my A, for me, and in dealing with the way that it ended.

 

~99

[Reggie]

I think it would have been best if my parents had divorced instead of the kids having to witness my dad's unbelievable abuse of my mom, let alone us kids. Seeing that stuff night in and night out, driving around in my dad's car with him puking out the open door, hammered as he went from bar to bar was really damaging, too.

But, this is a different age. Divorce is so readily available and not stigmatized as much, that i see no reason to cheat as a prelude. It's cwardly and cruel.

[jwi71]

I would forget the MC and head for IC.

 

You haven't changed. The faces around you may - but you do not. Hence the circumstances of your life never really change.

 

You are repeating to your daughter your own childhood. At least you are aware of it - now take actions to stop and break this cycle. A good therapist can help you.

 

Or do you want your daughter to continue living as you did?

[n9688m]

I do not think there is any question that there is no benefit to staying together in a marriage with fighting, abuse, or other issues apparent to children.

 

But a good number of the situations described here are not those situations - they are out-of-the-blue walkaway spouse scenarios where one day a marriage appears to be quite happy and the next day one spouse wants out and cannot be dissuaded and the children are as flabbergasted by it all as is the affected spouse.

 

Of course no one should stay in a marriage which has abuse or fighting. But I also think it's wrong to put one's desire for lust or passion ahead of commitment for children. And that's particularly not a reason to justify an affair - because once the affair starts, revisionist history and guilt make it almost impossible to go to MC and work on the true issues in the marriage.

[2sure]

[quote=lost_in_life_again;1933454]

I've started to believe that I am not worth the likes of a decent man, someone that wouldn't cheat, someone that appreciates a strong, independent woman and who can treat her appropriately. Maybe I just don't deserve it because of my problem with dis-respecting committments and vows to God, but then again, maybe I'm just searching for a relationship exactly as what I'm accustomed to.

 

You have posed some very good questions here. Also, the way you worded the above quote from you, shows that you have really really thought about this. Its insightful.

 

First, I used to think that, like you, maybe I wasnt what worth more than I was getting. I didnt know I thought that at the time...but certainly what I accepted from life was a reflection of my self worth. When I forgave myself my errors, forgave those I felt I was victim to...I raised my self worth and my expectations...and my life improved.

 

Next, you think that maybe you are getting what you deserve because you have had no regard for committments. Karma?? Could be. I have had my share and I do believe it may be payback for things Ive done. But you know what? Once youve paid, thats it. You are paid in full. We all pay and we all receive. Think about receiving.

 

As to WS using the old "staying for the kids"...you hear that a lot. These days, divorced parents are VERY common. Blended families, single parents, etc. The world is FULL of people who didnt stay for the kids and as you have pointed out - sometimes thats best.

WS use this as an excuse to OW to stay with the marriage because it doesnt make them look like the bad guy. It sounds like a good excuse to someone willing to buy it. I think more often people stay in a loveless marriage because they cannot financially make it alone - and they dont want to admit this fact to OW. So they tell them its the kids. Its easier to buy all around.

[wuggle]

IMO, as children we look up to, adore, idolise and emulate our parents (whether we like to admit it or not), when my parents tried 'staying together for the sake of the kids' it was very damaging. The tension between them was present every day, it totally warped my understanding of adult relationships and took a lot of work as an adult to truly understand. Towards the end, just before my parents finally split my father had gone to the extent of having a lock fitted to a bedroom that he was staying in and was shouting at my mother in front of the children things like 'I wouldn't have to if you dropped your knickers once in a while' - this in front of a 13 year old boy and my 11 year old sister. IMO unless adults can be very mature and TRULY do what's best for thier children whilst staying together, and provide good role models of compassion, decency and taking responsibility for ones actions then the best thing they can do is try to split as amicably as possible. Children will be hurt in either case, but I think that at least any value system that thier parents had already imparted to them would remain in tact without being corrupted by thier parents anger and hurt. It so angers me when the sins of the parents pass on to thier children, then grandchildren etc making personal development so much harder. As parents, make a stand, accept the hurt and pain, work through it and stop passing it on from generation to generation, you can both still love your kids and have relationships with them, it's not a competition, you don't need to try to make your partner look bad so that your kids will favour you over them. Act with decency and honour and allow your children to use thier own judgment and see you as the person you really are, most children are NOT stupid.

[travelgirl]

Funny you brought this up. My H and I have been trying to reconnect and have realized that both of our parents marriages have played a huge part in the disconnect of our marriage.

 

His parents divorced when he was 7. At the time he was the smartest kid in the school, happy go lucky. He was the oldest of 3 kids and took it so bad, really bad. He loved his Dad and hated his mom for "making him go away" He slipped in school, started avoiding friends, he went into therapy, continued to get worse, even lashed out at other kids, his mom and siblings. Then went to school for mentally troubled children for 3 years from 3-5th grade because his mom could not handle him. He learned in therapy at that school how to appear happy and not let his true feelings out. He learned it was the quickest way for people to think he was getting better.

 

I on the other hand came from a family that looked so perfect on the outside but as I got older, I realized my parents were in a loveless marriage. We had a huge extended family that had no divorce. Holidays and birthdays were all celebrated together and lots of fun. I chose to never truly confront the disconnect of my parents because everything seemed okay on the outside and that was all I needed. It wasn't like they fought, although I do remember some fights when I was real young. I think they just were content with what they had. Loved but weren't "in love."

 

So because of our pasts, my husband had learned NOT to communicate his true feelings in our marriage (or basically anything in life) to just keep peace. I get angry because I want more then my parents had and constantly had to analyze and then misinterpret everything - a little look, a small fight, he didn't talk to me for 2 hours straight. It was insane. After getting angry and he would ignore me, I would just give up and get depressed. He never confronted my depression because that would mean delving into feelings that could jeopardize our marriage in his eyes. I thought him never wanted to talk about us was what jeopardized our marriage. It has been a vicious cycle that we have only recently realized and are trying to break.

 

So, I think there are pros and cons for staying together for the kids. I think if there is abuse and constant fighting and negative feelings in the house, it would be worse to stay. I think nowadays people stay together and now also divorce for the wrong reasons. It is only up to the 2 people in the marriage to decide what works best for them. And even thought H and I both grew up with family issues, he definitely had a much harder time then I did.

[65tr6]

Lately I have been completely bothered every time I hear that a couple decides to stay together for the sake of the children. I have been reading all of the posts on the OM/OW forum and it seems to be a common theme as to why most people decide to stay in their marriage, but yet continue to have affairs. It's irritating to say the least....

 

I was in a state of shock when my wife admitted that she had an affair. In the beginning I was thinking I want her no matter what..for my sake, for my son's sake. Now that the fog is lifting - I still want her but it is going to be different. I cannot even imagine either of us being in an affair ever again (I never was in an affair by the way). So my point is it depends on the individuals what path they choose moving forward. I guess some people just give up and dont dwelve into the reason as to take the time and answer why/how/whats of their relationships. While others (me included) think it is a slow, painful process that could take a long time to rebuild but in the end it is worth it no matter what comes out of it.

 

 

I had a child of my own when I was 22 and got married when I was 23. When I started to feel that the marriage wasn't working and we were fighting all the time, we went to counseling. That only pacified the fights for a short time and our daughter got a little older, recognized the fighting and stood in front of us covering her ears. It reminded me of myself, sitting at the top of the stairs listening to my parents fight after we went to bed. My ex knew how to attack every nerve and I lacked the ability to show restraint from yelling even though, our daughter was around.

....

 

did he change his behavior at all after the counselling ? Appears not. What about you ? In my case, I sometimes wonder what if the affair did not occur and we had recognised our issues and went to counselling instead - like in your case. Would that have changed things significantly ? Is it that people dont take it that seriously ? unless something catostrohic such as an affair actually takes place ?

 

 

I have found myself in "relationships" with two MM, one of the A was when I was still married myself. It's not something, I'm proud of...quite the opposite actually, but after the latest "break-up" I am left pondering the thought process of staying with someone that you have "fallen out of love with" only because you think it's "best for the children". Is it financially better? Probably.

....

 

your husband know any of this ? If not, confess/admit/reveal!!!! .

 

So you are just giving up and trying to follow what you parents did ? How about a fresh start with a confession ? There are tons of great books, great sources that can help you out...

 

I got to run but I will continue later on today.

[lost_in_life_again]

"your husband know any of this ? If not, confess/admit/reveal!!!! .

 

So you are just giving up and trying to follow what you parents did ? How about a fresh start with a confession ? There are tons of great books, great sources that can help you out...

 

I got to run but I will continue later on today."

 

My ex is well aware of my A...it's part of the reason we got divorced. That and the fact that we are two incredibly different people that should never have gotten married.. Dealing with him for the sake of our child is so difficult sometimes, I constantly wonder why I ever got married in the first place.

 

I am not just trying to follow what my parents did. I have realized that that was the path I was headed and have done my best to not go that route. I realized my marriage was troubled and I thought it would be better for my daughter for us to split and have my ex and I be friends rather than living a lie "for her sake".

 

Someone pointed out in this thread that men often say they're staying together for the children because it's an easy way out (paraphrasing); they know they can't financially survive on their own and decide to put on a mask and stick around for the sake of the kids even though their heart isn't in it.

 

That is not to say that some couples have the ability to work together and make their marriage survive, but when I started this topic, I was speaking of the former not the latter...

[65tr6]

My ex is well aware of my A...it's part of the reason we got divorced. That and the fact that we are two incredibly different people that should never have gotten married.. Dealing with him for the sake of our child is so difficult sometimes, I constantly wonder why I ever got married in the first place. ...

 

alright. First of all, I didnt realise you are already divorced. I am sorry to hear that.

 

Next, this is scary. You sound just like my wife. May be this is completely irrelevant now. Did you ever love your ex or have great moments with him ?

 

I am just amazed at how people assume that once they fall in love it will last rest of their life without actually making any effort to sustain it. I recommend the book 5 love languages to understand more in-depth the difference between "in-love" and the "emotional love" that is essential to keep it going.

 

It appears that (sorry if i am coming out as judgemental) that you and your ex took the easy way out of this or that your ex was upset with your A that he wanted out...in which case there was not much you could do i guess.

 

Someone pointed out in this thread that men often say they're staying together for the children because it's an easy way out (paraphrasing); they know they can't financially survive on their own and decide to put on a mask and stick around for the sake of the kids even though their heart isn't in it. ...

 

I thought that was the case when my wife admitted to me about the affair but now that the fog is lifting (or lifted ?) i really dont think that way anymore. I want my wife back...oh, by the way, i want her to changed..just like i am doing right now.

 

Fortunately there is no abuse in our case. I dont know if there was in your case. I know you mentioned constant arguments to the point it could have an impact on your kids.

 

 

Do you think you are better person having learnt from your experience ?

[n9688m]

That and the fact that we are two incredibly different people that should never have gotten married.. Dealing with him for the sake of our child is so difficult sometimes, I constantly wonder why I ever got married in the first place.

 

Might that be revisionist history to justify your affair?

 

 

I thought it would be better for my daughter for us to split and have my ex and I be friends rather than living a lie "for her sake".

 

If you wanted to be friends then why did you have an affair? Wouldn't it be a lot more likely to stay friends if you had ended your marriage gracefully?

[65tr6]

 

I've started to believe that I am not worth the likes of a decent man, someone that wouldn't cheat, someone that appreciates a strong, independent woman and who can treat her appropriately. Maybe I just don't deserve it because of my problem with dis-respecting committments and vows to God, but then again, maybe I'm just searching for a relationship exactly as what I'm accustomed to.

 

Just some thoughts...I'm not looking to validate my rationale for being the OW and I'm not trying to make anyone else responsible for my actions, just trying to get something off my chest and would like to know your thoughts.

 

My wife said that same thing. What the he$% is that supposed to mean ? that you dont deserve the man who would nt cheat. So is it ok to betray, destroy, ruin someone's life and at the end of it realise or just admit that you dont deserve someone ? Or you deserve a man who cheats ?