It all makes me so sad

[allanDR]

Reading all the threads that are basically carbon copies of this make me feel better, knowing that lots of other people are going through all this too.

 

I've been really urged recently to send an email, just to see how she's doing. I know she's fine, but sometimes I wonder if cutting her off was a mistake. We both screwed up, I gave her a second chance but she fell in love with someone else. I never got that second chance. It didn't matter who screwed up more, her feelings had disappeared and mine hadn't. I was heartbroken, really angry and going insane with the whole situation. I felt like keeping in touch with her would compromise my sanity.

 

The one thing that really made me realize that everything between us was lost was when she said, "sure, make me out to be the bad guy." This was after she cheated on me at least twice, begged me to take her back, succeeded at that, changed her mind and neglected to tell me she had fallen out of love with me until the last possible moment. Even then, she could barely say it.

 

I just feel like a fool. The whole thing didn't need to happen this way.

 

Just so much anger, heartbreak, pain and love that I STILL want to express to her that I know I can't. What do you do when you have so much to say but it's impossible to say it? Nothing, right? It was so surreal to realize the person I loved was gone and was never going to come back. Nothing left to do but forget they ever happened.

 

Sorry if this post makes barely any sense.

[sultry33]

im right with you on this

i fight daily to not send that email

part of me wants to say im sorry and i miss not having you in my life at all but another parts wants to say

why? why leave me? blar blar

 

i cant send anything but either way it kinda hurts

deep down i know he is with other to ease the pain of not having me but y,know i could have any guy but still be him in my heart.. maybe he realise that;)

 

im just staying strong and silent

[Surfer Dude]

Reading all the threads that are basically carbon copies of this make me feel better, knowing that lots of other people are going through all this too.

 

I've been really urged recently to send an email, just to see how she's doing. I know she's fine, but sometimes I wonder if cutting her off was a mistake. We both screwed up, I gave her a second chance but she fell in love with someone else. I never got that second chance. It didn't matter who screwed up more, her feelings had disappeared and mine hadn't. I was heartbroken, really angry and going insane with the whole situation. I felt like keeping in touch with her would compromise my sanity.

 

Staying in touch does indeed compromise your sanity. The longer you are cut off from your ex partner, the more you start forgetting them and they become history, a chapter of your life that has come and gone. And NC ensures that happens.

 

The one thing that really made me realize that everything between us was lost was when she said, "sure, make me out to be the bad guy." This was after she cheated on me at least twice, begged me to take her back, succeeded at that, changed her mind and neglected to tell me she had fallen out of love with me until the last possible moment. Even then, she could barely say it.

 

I just feel like a fool. The whole thing didn't need to happen this way.

 

Just so much anger, heartbreak, pain and love that I STILL want to express to her that I know I can't. What do you do when you have so much to say but it's impossible to say it? Nothing, right? It was so surreal to realize the person I loved was gone and was never going to come back. Nothing left to do but forget they ever happened.

 

Sorry if this post makes barely any sense.

It didn't have to happen, but it did, right? There's nothing you can do about it. And you don't have to forget she ever happened. You have your memories to enjoy and treasure (once you've healed and moved on), they will always be part of you. Maybe now everything you two had together seems gone and like a waste of time, but try to be more experience oriented instead of outcome oriented. At the time, you were enjoying what you had and you were happy. It was a happy period of your life. Isn't that really great, that you could be with her at the time, happy and content, instead of being single and lonely?

 

And trust me, there are wonderful women out there, you will feel joy again

[EmperorR]

im right with you on this

i fight daily to not send that email

part of me wants to say im sorry and i miss not having you in my life at all but another parts wants to say

why? why leave me? blar blar

 

i cant send anything but either way it kinda hurts

deep down i know he is with other to ease the pain of not having me but y,know i could have any guy but still be him in my heart.. maybe he realise that;)

 

im just staying strong and silent

 

 

I agree every day I just want to send a email a text message just like hey thinking of you hoping your ok, but why, blah if it wasn't for loveshack I would have broken NC months ago

[TeaAbraham]

I am feeling exactly the same way you are allan. In every regard.

 

Just so much anger, heartbreak, pain and love that I STILL want to express to her that I know I can't. What do you do when you have so much to say but it's impossible to say it? Nothing, right? It was so surreal to realize the person I loved was gone and was never going to come back. Nothing left to do but forget they ever happened.

I really want that second chance you were talking about too. But it just isn't possible. I am sure it is possible to say all those things you want to say, you just know the result would be, and that's what's seemingly impossible for you, accepting what you already know. It seems so for me too. I don't want to forget what we had =-( But I really don't want to remember either.

 

For me it helps to know that I can forget everything for now, and get past this, but that I will still have those memories later, always.

[allanDR]

I want to tell her how gutless she was.

[allanDR]

Doing this whole NC thing sometimes feels so childish. I thought that cutting her off would in the long run be the best, most mature thing to do but sometimes I feel like it was a mistake. I feel like talking to her would not set me back or anything or turn me into a mess. And the only reason I'm not is because I told her I wouldn't.

[TeaAbraham]

You've gotta do whatever you think you need to. I just think you are probably powerless in the situation, but you won't know if you're really powerless unless you actually do contact. I told my ex I never wanted to see her again, but then I still came running back to her. It felt so bad when I actually did see her, and saw how little my affectionate words meant to her. I think it just made her feel better about what she was doing, but that's just my situation. You gotta do what ya gotta do to move yourself forward. You can probably foretell the endgame though.

[Surfer Dude]

You've gotta do whatever you think you need to. I just think you are probably powerless in the situation, but you won't know if you're really powerless unless you actually do contact. I told my ex I never wanted to see her again, but then I still came running back to her. It felt so bad when I actually did see her, and saw how little my affectionate words meant to her. I think it just made her feel better about what she was doing, but that's just my situation. You gotta do what ya gotta do to move yourself forward. You can probably foretell the endgame though.

 

Same here, nearly two months ago I told her that we'd never talk again. The next day I became really upset because of what I said, I still couldn't get the idea of never seeing her again, so I came to her crying and begging to forgive me for what I said and to take me back as her friend. I can't believe how much of a needy chump I was at the time. At first she wouldn't talk to me, even told me to get lost from her life, but as time was passing we started talking more and she was accepting me back in her life. The only problem was that she would keep telling me about every sex adventure and boyfriend she got, the same thing she did before we cut all communication.

 

I put up with that for about 2 months and last week told her to get lost forever. Now the idea of never talking to her again is still a bit terrifying, but I know I could gain absolutely nothing from that friendship but pain and grief. This if for the best.

[4by4]

Looks like we are all guys hung up on our ex girlfriends huh?

 

For me, the urge to contact her died last week. I was shocked but pleasantly surprised I had come such a long way to restrain myself. I can tell you during our relationship I was so scared of losing her and literally begged her to stay with me when she wanted to break up. I couldn't go through 48 hours without contacting her. I now regret that decision not to just let her go much much earlier. You see every time you manage to keep that person by pleading, a little less respect goes away. We are all attracted to strong and confident people, not someone who pleads and lives by self-pity. Start loving yourself and realize life DOES go on and it seriously gets easier. Set yourself small goals like NC for 2 weeks initially. Write all your feelings on a piece of paper and burn it, or post them up here! Just don't make contact and have your heart broken, because that is a vicious cycle that can eat you up!

 

Regardless, I think the NC is necessary. Don't view NC as the medicine to beating an addiction (and let's be honest, the urge to keep in contact IS an addiction). NC is not a magic pill you take to erase your feelings. Instead, NC allows you to concentrate on you and spend time healing. You will feel numb about the whole thing soon enough.

 

I still feel the pain everyday but I'm haunted by the memories rather than the present. I'm content with the present and I actually look forward to the future. You have to start thinking positively and WANT TO move one from your ex. You will never get over them and stop been so addicted until you make the decision to do so and WANT to go through NC. If you don't even believe in it, it wont work!

 

Surfer Dude, I do feel for you. I've read some of your stories and honestly you should not have to put up with it. At least my ex was never the cheating type and she has plenty of dignity and respect for herself. I know even today, a week after breaking up, she would consider my feelings before doing something that could potentially upset me.

 

Now, you consider the chick I just described with someone who clearly doesn't give a flying toss what you are feeling and sleeps with anything that comes their way.. is she even worth it as a friend? Move on my friend and don't let yourself get sucked into her crap. If I can move on from such a great chick, it should be easier for you to move on from a completely ass.

 

If anyone wants a comprehensive list of things to do in order to help you through the tough moments. I posted a thread couple days ago titled "ways to get over your ex fast" in the coping section.

[allanDR]

I have no desire to win her back. I just want to hear from her. I feel like cutting her out completely was a mistake. I don't even want to be her friend. I really don't know what I want. It's hard.

[allanDR]

Every time I want to hear her voice I just remind myself that she's still seeing the ******* she left me for. I don't even want sex from her, I just want to feel like were still friends, but I don't see how that can ever happen. The real kicker why I haven't contacted her was because she made it out like being her friend was a huge privilege. Yeah I was in love with her but one can only take so much.

[Surfer Dude]

Every time I want to hear her voice I just remind myself that she's still seeing the ******* she left me for. I don't even want sex from her, I just want to feel like were still friends, but I don't see how that can ever happen. The real kicker why I haven't contacted her was because she made it out like being her friend was a huge privilege. Yeah I was in love with her but one can only take so much.

 

We're in exactly the same boat.

 

Sometimes there comes a moment of weakness where I wanna send her an email, ask her to be my friend again etc. I almost sent her an email 10 mins ago saying I was sorry.

 

Then I luckily came to my senses and said "sorry for what?". She is the one who treated me like crap, dumped me for other guys and then wanted to be "friends" so that I could give her emotional support and ego boosts she needs so much. She would just use me for more support and make me feel even more miserable.

 

The reason I wanted to send her an email was because I remembered great times we spent together in Tokyo this summer. I still have this mental image of sweet girl who loves me. This is a very dangerous zone, playing with memories can trick you into thinking that your ex is currently the same person she was months ago when you were still happy.

 

It's very important to realize that past is dead and that they're never coming back.

 

Your mind is playing tricks on your all the time! Retain a strong sense of reality people. Know what's now and what's real and what's not. Don't let memories and sorrow trick you into thinking you could still have something with your ex. It could never happen!

[northstar1]

We're in exactly the same boat.

 

 

The reason I wanted to send her an email was because I remembered great times we spent together in Tokyo this summer. I still have this mental image of sweet girl who loves me. This is a very dangerous zone, playing with memories can trick you into thinking that your ex is currently the same person she was months ago when you were still happy.

 

/quote]

 

This is so true, it's so easy to rewind time in your mind and recall all the good times, and just how much they were into you. It can be hard to connect to the present, where they have moved on, and no longer have those feelings for you. Your mind rebels as the thought and says "But how can they no longer love me?".

 

It can be a vicious cycle that goes on and on, until either you finally convince yourself to let go, or you are faced with the reality that they are with someone new and are never coming back.

 

But then you need to think, imagine getting that sort of email from someone you had loved, dated but now had moved on from, you would think "yeah, i remember those times, they were nice, but those are the past".

[allanDR]

Thanks for the replies. I told myself when I cut her off that I would contact her again when I've really moved on. I think I'm just in a rut right now as in no idea what I'm doing with my life or where I want to go. Sometimes I feel like contacting her would help me with that but I know it won't. Maybe when I really feel like things have changed I'll send her a letter. I'm just not the sort of person to end a friendship so abruptly and I hope that in a while I truly will be as happy as I once was. I just a big, big change in my life very soon.

 

Thank you, internet therapists.

[northstar1]

Thanks for the replies. I told myself when I cut her off that I would contact her again when I've really moved on. I think I'm just in a rut right now as in no idea what I'm doing with my life or where I want to go. Sometimes I feel like contacting her would help me with that but I know it won't. Maybe when I really feel like things have changed I'll send her a letter. I'm just not the sort of person to end a friendship so abruptly and I hope that in a while I truly will be as happy as I once was. I just a big, big change in my life very soon.

 

Thank you, internet therapists.

 

Yeah, I know that feeling, reaching out will make you feel better, but any feel good time lasts very short term.

 

But you know, I also feel that it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't. So, for those who each day are dying from the urge to contact the ex for that last confirmation that it's over or isn't, then I'd say do it. It may set you back, but if you are holding onto hope, then maybe you will get your answer and can move on.

 

I'd rather do that, and get finality (which may come as a slap in the face) than spend the next few months/years wondering.

[allanDR]

Yeah, I know that feeling, reaching out will make you feel better, but any feel good time lasts very short term.

 

But you know, I also feel that it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't. So, for those who each day are dying from the urge to contact the ex for that last confirmation that it's over or isn't, then I'd say do it. It may set you back, but if you are holding onto hope, then maybe you will get your answer and can move on.

 

I'd rather do that, and get finality (which may come as a slap in the face) than spend the next few months/years wondering.

 

That's what I'm feeling. My gut is telling me to send her an email just saying hi, and I really dont need that confirmation that its really over. I know it is. I 100% know it is, but I still just want to reach out to her. God I wish I knew why and what's the best thing to do.

[Surfer Dude]

 

It can be a vicious cycle that goes on and on, until either you finally convince yourself to let go, or you are faced with the reality that they are with someone new and are never coming back.

 

But then you need to think, imagine getting that sort of email from someone you had loved, dated but now had moved on from, you would think "yeah, i remember those times, they were nice, but those are the past".

 

Yes, exactly.

 

I know there is no point in contacting my ex. Last thing I heard before I told her I don't wanna hear from her again, was that she got a new boyfriend she loves very much. You know that feeling when you're with someone new and every sweet moment and experience you spent with your ex now seems so insignificant and distant? That's exactly what she is feeling right now. I'm just a piece of history now, while her new guy is occupying 99% of her thoughts and heart. Why would I contact her? Nothing I do is going to get her back, and after what she had done to me, it's for the best.

 

Staying in touch, clinging to memories and pretending we still have something special is BS. Toughen your mind and move on people. Your ex is happy with someone else now and they're not thinking about you, let alone pining.

 

If you don't believe me, imagine yourself living a perfect life with your soulmate (someone other than your ex), the most perfect being your mind could ever conceive, you have a perfect life with that person. You'd be happy and out of your mind. Would you think of your ex? No, I don't think so, and that's exactly what your ex is doing right now.

 

This sounds rough, but it's the truth. The sooner we all accept it, the better off we are going to be.

[allanDR]

There's no way I could really remain friends with her yet I still want to talk to her one last time to say GOD KNOWS WHAT.

 

There's just still things I want to say that are eating at me.

[Sysyphus28]

Reading all the threads that are basically carbon copies of this make me feel better, knowing that lots of other people are going through all this too.

 

I've been really urged recently to send an email, just to see how she's doing. I know she's fine, but sometimes I wonder if cutting her off was a mistake. We both screwed up, I gave her a second chance but she fell in love with someone else. I never got that second chance. It didn't matter who screwed up more, her feelings had disappeared and mine hadn't. I was heartbroken, really angry and going insane with the whole situation. I felt like keeping in touch with her would compromise my sanity.

 

The one thing that really made me realize that everything between us was lost was when she said, "sure, make me out to be the bad guy." This was after she cheated on me at least twice, begged me to take her back, succeeded at that, changed her mind and neglected to tell me she had fallen out of love with me until the last possible moment. Even then, she could barely say it.

 

I just feel like a fool. The whole thing didn't need to happen this way.

 

Just so much anger, heartbreak, pain and love that I STILL want to express to her that I know I can't. What do you do when you have so much to say but it's impossible to say it? Nothing, right? It was so surreal to realize the person I loved was gone and was never going to come back. Nothing left to do but forget they ever happened.

 

Sorry if this post makes barely any sense.

 

My experience. Please take something from this. PLEASE!

I expressed everything to her..........anger, love, sadness, longing, .............in a series of emails and long winded conversations.

 

I cried in front of her, as she looked at me with barely a shred of emotion.

WOW. I felt like a douche a weekn later.

 

I have gotten zero love in return. Nothing she has said made me feel one drop better about getting F-ed over royally.

I had to cut off contact and in the few sporadic conversations we have had......I have been made to feel like, YES, the bad guy. SHe made it seem like I brought this on myself and this was my fault.

 

I say this from the bottom of my heart. With all the experience and the things I have learned from LS.

We have to realize that these X's are individuals and individuals have choices. These "in-significant" others have a choice.

They have chosen to not have us in thier lives any longer. You can't reason or argue your way back into love!

 

With the holidays coming, don't send some sappy ass email, or leave some bull**** needy message.

 

It has been 3-4 months for me too. It hurts all the time for me too. But you need to know that other people are here on the front lines with you. We are all dealing with this pain and loss.

 

Take the power back with No contact. seriously. You don't want to know what they are doing, you don't want to see them, you don't want to talk to them. You don't want a chat buddy/ you want something real. You don't want to email them and get some short crap response. You don't want them to know you are needy anymore.

 

Guess what dude! you said it didn't need to end this way.

It is rarely a "good" ending in nay serious relationship with someone who dumps someone.

 

If this person was worth anything in your life, they would see past thier own selfishness and be calling you/emailing you/writing you all day. They would fight for YOu back.

 

She has no integrity and respect. Goodbye past. hello future.

[EmperorR]

Yes, exactly.

 

I know there is no point in contacting my ex. Last thing I heard before I told her I don't wanna hear from her again, was that she got a new boyfriend she loves very much. You know that feeling when you're with someone new and every sweet moment and experience you spent with your ex now

seems so insignificant and distant? That's

exactly what she is feeling right now. I'm

just a piece of history now, while her new guy is occupying 99% of her thoughts and

heart. Why would I contact her? Nothing I do

is going to get her back, and after what she

had done to me, it's for the best

 

 

Staying in touch, clinging to memories and pretending we still have something special is BS. Toughen your mind and move on people. Your ex is happy with someone else now and they're not thinking about you, let alone pining.

 

If you don't believe me, imagine yourself living a perfect life with your soulmate (someone other than your ex), the most perfect being your mind could ever conceive, you have a perfect life with that person. You'd be happy and out of your mind. Would you think of your ex? No, I don't think so, and that's exactly what your ex is doing right now.

 

This sounds rough, but it's the truth. The sooner we all accept it, the better off we are going to be.

 

I could have wrote this, exactly why I don't co tact my immature ex. In the honeymoon everything new and fresh and exciting portion of the relationship, while I'm just the stale nice guy who did and sacrificed everything.

[allanDR]

thanks alot sysuphus. that helps a lot. i told her the last time i saw her that the next time she hears from me, i'm not going to be in love with her. that's all that really counts now. i said that for a reason and there's no way around it.

[Sysyphus28]

Every time I want to hear her voice I just remind myself that she's still seeing the ******* she left me for. I don't even want sex from her, I just want to feel like were still friends, but I don't see how that can ever happen. The real kicker why I haven't contacted her was because she made it out like being her friend was a huge privilege. Yeah I was in love with her but one can only take so much.

 

Your right man, I am glad you are gradually getting to the point where you are saying, "one can only take so much"

 

You can only take getting sh**** on for a period of time. I got clowned by some girl too. She said all of the love sh** for years..........

Sometimes I get nostalgic and rewind to when were happy together, but like northstar said,

You have to get a grip on reality.

I would liek to feel me and my ex are friends too. BUT truthfully I feel more distant from this person than I have ever felt.

Guess why?!

Because we broke up and that's what hapends you have a broken relationship. Both people don't want the same thing anymore.

How are you going to salvage a friendship from betrayal and hurt?

[Surfer Dude]

Your right man, I am glad you are gradually getting to the point where you are saying, "one can only take so much"

 

You can only take getting sh**** on for a period of time. I got clowned by some girl too. She said all of the love sh** for years..........

Sometimes I get nostalgic and rewind to when were happy together, but like northstar said,

You have to get a grip on reality.

I would liek to feel me and my ex are friends too. BUT truthfully I feel more distant from this person than I have ever felt.

Guess why?!

Because we broke up and that's what hapends you have a broken relationship. Both people don't want the same thing anymore.

How are you going to salvage a friendship from betrayal and hurt?

 

And there is no point salvaging it. They dump you and kick you out of their life for someone else. Why would you try to be their friend? To give them free unconditional emotional support when they are in periods between relationships? So that they can give you strings of hope enough to keep you in their life, yet not nearly enough for you to be a significant part of their life?

 

When it comes to post-relationship friendships, dumper always holds the higher ground. They make demands, they create conditions that you have to fulfill in order to stay in their life.

 

Between my breakup and beginning of NC period, I initiated contact with my ex several dozen times while she did only 3 times. This is what she wanted those three times:

 

1. She was rejected by some guys in her dorm, because she was whoring herself around before that, and guys lost trust in her. She needed emotional support from me to make herself feel better.

 

2. She needed my help downloading some movie from bittorrent.

 

3. Wanted me to teach her native language of her new bf, so that she could surprise him.

 

I hope that everyone realizes how crappy and useless these "friendships" are. They are literally one way friendships, where we do all the giving and they do all the taking!

[TeaAbraham]

Amen

 

It's the bitter truth.

 

Everytime she came running to me for support, for caring when she was feeling down, I gave her everything. And she gave me what? A broken heart, everytime.