anna_k Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Hi everyone, My situation is this (it's a bit complicated, so bear with me...) My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We are both 22 and studying. About a year into things another guy who I used to like and was good friends with said he loved me, and I got really confused but then decided that I loved my current boyfriend (D) and stayed with him. I was really close to this other guy previously but I decided not to see him again because it was too stressful for D. I worked really hard to earn his trust back again because he was (understandably) hurt I'd had feelings for another man. Immediately after that he kissed someone else but was really sorry and I forgave him because it was obvious it was just to get back at me. Anyway, things have been going to so well for another year, and we've been really really happy. We have so much fun together and always talk about how lucky we feel. Then, this weekend, I couldn't contact him and when he finally called me back he said that we had to talk. He said he kissed someone else when he was drunk (again) and this time I was furious, but slowly came around because he said that he still felt bad about me and the other guy from earlier on. And he said that he was just really drunk and it was a stupid stupid mistake. Then as I started to forgive him, he said that he needs some time apart because he's not sure that he loves as much as he should. He said that he thinks love is supposed to feel more like infatuation, like when you have a crush on someone in high school, but I said that love is something that you build with someone else and we have it! And just because you're not nervous every time you see the other person doesn't mean you don't love them! So he needs a week, and I feel like I'm on trial. I know I haven't been perfect, but I feel like I've really really shown him that I am trustworthy and that I do love him. D is really loyal and loving (apart from in the last 2 days) and I do think he loves me, but he just has this definition of love that is more like a crush-feeling and he thinks because we don't have that there's something wrong with us. I'm also angry that he turned it around from wanting my forgiveness to calling the shots and telling me we're on a break. I feel really powerless and like I have so much to deal with. I would be absolutely devastated if he didn't want to be with me. I just want to know what people think of this...what are our chances? Which definition of love is more accurate? Thanks
Lizzie60 Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 I think you should just leave him alone for a while.. he might need a break to think things over... I know this is hard for you.. but you need to do this.. otherwise.. he will always be indecisive about your relationship... If it's going to break.. then so be it.. it's better now than a few years down the road.. when you invest more time and energy in this relationship. Men, in general, have a much harder time to forget and forgive... Just let him have his space... and, most importantly.. do not contact him.. wait.. do your things.. be strong and independant..
Meet 4 Coffee Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 You can't tell a guy what his feelings are. You might be in love with him, but you can't tell him that he feels that, too. Only he knows that. I agree with Lizzie. Just back off. Also realize that the kiss the other night could mean that he wants to explore this new possibility in this other woman.
Author anna_k Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 I know I already told my story, but I still want to know what you think of the love definitions issues thing? He isn't sure he loves me because he thinks love should be like infatuation more than just feeling really close to someone. Also, it's only day 2 of the break and I'm so distraught. I can't do anything at all without bursting into tears. I'm not strong, I'm so weak! I feel like my whole life is gone, because my relationship was the most important thing to me and now it might disappear in a week. I don't want to even get out of bed, I just wish that I could sleep and wake up in a week and he'll have changed his mind and realize that we can work everything out. I woke up this morning and after 2 minutes awake started crying again! I can't take this!
Vince Black Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 then a break it is.....and use it wisely FOR YOURSELF It may be tough for a while but be sure and take the time to look into your own soul
BCCA Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I think we all experience different kinds of love, but I think we all know ourselves enough to know when we're in love. My impression is that he's making excuses and buying time. Sounds more to me like he's having an "is the grass greener on the other side" moment, and doesnt know what to think. He's obviously having doubts. I know this isnt much help right now, but you sound a lot like me, and I always get burned. When you make someone else or a relationship youre whole life, if something happens to the relationship, your whole life stops. You'll find yourself with a huge hole in your life that seems impossible to fill, and everywhere you turn you see a reminder of them because youve made them the focal point of your existence. Its nice to have someone, but you (and I) have to work on not making them the most important thing ever, because honestly, you cant count on anyone else in this world but yourself. If youre expecting others to make you happy, expect to constantly be dissapointed. If there is one thing I'm telling everyone I can, its that I personally will NEVER accept a 'break' or anything like that from someone else. You either want to be together or you dont. If you need some time away from me, fine, but once we're not officially together, I'm officially done wasting my time with you. I've been dissapointed too many times playing the "wait and see" game, and I'm done with it.
4by4 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Anna, Don't play the wait and see game. I'm the same age as you and my ex also proposed a "break" after 4 happy years together, she wanted at least 6 months to herself to feel what it's like to be single again. She kept denying it's because she wanted to meet other guys, apparently she just wanted some freedom but i know the possibility of meeting someone else played a part in her decision. I didn't accept her "break", I cut all contact, broke up with her for good and told her I didn't even want to be friends. It's hard, she cried but that is the only fair outcome for both of us. And I'm only in my 2nd week of recovering but I know in the long run my decision will pay off. The truth hurts but if he was REALLY into you, no amount of alcohol will tempt him to kiss another girl. You might be able to have him back but you are settling for the feeling of safety and comfort. Not true love and committment. If the guy really wants you back, he is going to realise that through missing you and not having any contact with you. Not you pleading and begging for him to come back. I made the mistake of holding onto my ex for far too long and it probably killed any real chance of us working through our problems. Leave the guy alone and let him decide, he knows where to find you IF he wants to find you. I know it can hurt like hell in the initial stages but you WILL get through it and meet someone else who truly loves you 100%. There are plenty of insightful posts here on LS to help you cope. Remember regardless of whether or not you want this guy back, NC is the ONLY thing you should be doing. I regret not coming to that realisation much much earlier.
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