antrix Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 K so im a student so i have too much spare time on my hands since my breakup, one of the reason why im finding it so hard to move on i guess. But ive done a hell of a lot of research/reading through websites, several forums, family, friends, friends of friends over the past month about breakups and getting back together.I get a bit obssesive sometimes,, oh hell alot of the times,so ive read/heard probably over 50+ breakup stories. And dozens of stories where they got back together (happens more than i thought), alot of people i knew had brokeup-madeup than i ever knew. AND there was one re-occuring theme in at least 60% of these stories. It seems in most cases the time it took from break up to make up was between 3 to 4 months. Also for the ones that didnt get back and moved on, also took the same amount of time to get over it. Anyone else seen this pattern? Of course some of the couples took a year or more to get back but most of the time it was under 6months and usually 3-4months, and some of them dated other people inbetween, some didnt. So i would like to hear from dumpers.. say if it took 3-4months to miss your ex and want them back OR if it took the same amount of time to move on. Of course im not talking about breakups involving: Abuse,unfaithfulness,addictions or anything that is usually unforgivable. In most of the cases ive looked at, one or both of the couple just felt like they couldnt or didnt want to be together for reasons that werent really that big of a deal.
moonmoon Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I want to bump this because it seems pretty relevant to my situation, I joined here because my girlfriend told me she wanted to break up a week ago and she used the term break also. weve had NC since the break but our relationship didnt have anything like abuse/cheating so im just wondering how long it will take. Sorry for hijacking your thread I just thought maybe id get some input here, I see that people give really thoughtful responses and I feel like i will need to write a long entry to get advice thats well informed and its hard for me to work through all the details because they are loaded with emotions.
dead-dyke Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 In my humble opinion, I've read a lot myself, and it does seem to happen more so than we think - Just not to me; But 3 - 4 months seems way to soon for any kind of meaningful reconciliation to occur, w/out the same stuff troubling the relationship as before. I think time is the biggest factor for success. The more time apart, the more experience you gain, and growth, is what would determine if it is going to work, along w/ the misgivings cast aside from the past relationship. Other than that, and it's doomed, almost certainly. Of course, depending on time spent in the relationship - But I've also been accused of not being able to identify my a** from a hole in the ground too, so it's just an opinion.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Hm. The people you talked to - when they mentioned stories of getting back together - how long did they STAY together? I think deaddyke makes an excellent point in saying that 3-4 months is not always enough time. Personally, I think for reconciliation in the long-term, people have to really spend a lot of time apart, experience other things, and see where life takes them. If that takes them back to their ex, then so be it, if not, well we grow and meet other people.
Author antrix Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 Good question, Im afraid i cant remember the long term outcomes them all but i'll state the ones i can: oh and BTW all these people had been together 1yr+ and were not in a LDR and were over 18yrs old, so a "normal adult" relationship so to speak. one couple, split up, 3 months later the dumper wanted him back, they've been together now about 5,6months since, still together. one couple split up, 1.5yrs later the dumper wanted her back, they've been together,married,kids etc for over 20years, still are. one couple split up, 1year later, dumper wanted her back, they still together now,got kids. one couple split up, after 4months dumper wanted him back,they got back but split up less than a year later. one couple splitup, 4months later the dumper misses him and wants him back, theyre still together. These are just the ones i can remember the outcome of, so not really much help but i definatly know what you mean.. the ones that lasted had more like 1yr apart from each other. But the point was that after 3,4months the dumper starts to miss the dumpee and sometimes wants them back, now what happens next depends how how much the dumpee wants them back and is willing to strictly stop the old mistakes from happening. Knowing some of these couples myself i know the ones that didnt work out were because the dumpee didnt change anything or didnt want to rather. I didnt wannt make this a personal thing of give people hope or anything, just was curios about this pattern that seemed to keep coming up, 3-4months before "something" changes in the situation.
4by4 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 This is fascinating. I am in the same situation. Ex wants to be single but prefers to stay friends and sees us as on "break". Although I have told her I want a clean break if she didn't want a relationship with me. Also in my first week of separation. I think it dos depend on the situation and every couple is different. I think 3 - 4 months is like the minimum time period required for a proper "break" anyway. For example, I would like to be friends with my ex someday but just not right now as I'm still getting over her. But I'm thinking some stage next year if I am over her I wouldn't mind contacting her to catch up. We were great friends. Perhaps people get back together once that friendship is rekindled and they find each other still attracted to the other person. Therefore 3 - 4 months seems common. I would say anything over a year is unlikely, you seriously do move on after that long. I know I would probably be dating someone else serious by then.
Author antrix Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 Well the ones that were apart over a year did see other people inbetween, so after a year, i agree you probably have moved on. I think the longest amount of time where neither of the couple had seen other people inbetween was 6months. I know you cant analyse this stuff with maths n such but it does seem to have something to it. Just to note, my breakup happend 2months ago, the end of the 3rd month fo us will fall around x-mas,new year, and the end of the 4th month will fall on the end of january, just before valantines day. IF there are two times of the year when couples will miss each other surely these two times are it, will be interesting to see how she feels around those times but im not getting my hopes up, we were together 7years, it will take a long time to get over that. also i read somewhere that the amount of time to get over a breakup is 1month for every year you were together, any thoughts?
4by4 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Antrix, I think your estimate of 1 month for every year spent together is about right. As long as you are a fairly strong person and can ALLOW yourself to heal. A lot of people seem to not want to get over their ex and move on completely. Although in my case, I was more obsessed with her a year ago than I am now, the last 12 months of my relationship with the ex really started to go down hill. So it does depend on the situation. Don't pin hopes on anything, 3 - 4 months was the amount of time my ex suggested that we take a "break". Even then I'm not really expecting her to come back, we dated for 4 years. My 4 months coms up in March and I will have just come back from a trip to Japan. I may decide to strike up a friendship again once 4 months is up and just see how it goes but I want to move on and hopefully meet someone else.
moonmoon Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 one month for every year? well, I am hoping to resume contact with my ex somewhat soon. we had been seeing each other since july and i think I will be on level enough footing to talk with her in a couple days, without making one of the cardinal sins of resuming contact. I would argue that a month or two for every year you were in a relationship makes sense, except that as you approach 4+ years that you probably dont take that much longer to overcome per extra year on that you had. And I would also think that in the first half a year or so of a relationship you build up a lot more time it will take to recover than later on. For instance I can see it taking several weeks to get over a two month relationship. My relationship was hardly over 4 months, even less if you are counting from when we "technically" became bf/gf and yet at over a week into the breakup I cant even see the light at the end of the tunnel yet
fishtaco Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Maybe 3-4 months is just the time that masturbation simply won't cut it anymore? Just kidding, sort of. I guess my point is that there could be other reasons for getting back together, it's not always because the partner is worth getting back together with. People do funny things when they're lonely. I made a joke about sex, but it's more than just that. If I'm staying home late at night/weekends/holidays soon after a breakup, I feel bad, really bad, depressingly bad. I'm going through that right now. But I've done this enough times to know this is going to happen, so I either make plans to distract myself, or I brace myself and prepare for the hammer to fall. But I also know I'll feel better tomorrow, and then it'll hit me again. This will repeat until I'm over it. And in the meantime I try not to do anything stupid, like drunk dial my ex. In fact when I feel bad I cut myself off of booze as soon as feel a little buzz. Getting drunk is for good times and celebration. So my theory to your theory is that 3-4 months because a lot of people are afraid of loneliness.
motive2002 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 There's a saying that most of the freshly heart-broken don't want to hear, or believe. "They're called an ex for a reason" This theory of yours sounds like it's on a shaky foundation of anecdotal evidence. Whatever you do, don't let others' behavior suggest that there's any hope for your own relationship. I've seen break-ups in my own life go many different ways. no two were alike. There's no way I can say, with any reasonable accuracy how long it would take for the dumper to miss me, if they ever do at all. There is no pattern whatsoever. But to the distraught, anything looks like a ray of hope... and will be clung to.. and the irrational will seem like common sense.
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