Jake12429 Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 THis is gonna be long, but if you're bored, perhaps slightly worth your time. Let me preface this by saying it's been years since i've been in a relationship. I was used to one-night stands/very casual dating for years, and met a girl a few months ago that changed that for me. She's beautiful, nice, fun, etc., and we've been dating for a few months. Despite the fact that this is my first girlfriend in a long time, I do NOT smother her. We talk a lot during the day on email (equally initiated by her), text/call a decent amount, etc. We live about 45 mins away from each other in Northern California, so we only hang out once or twice a week, usually on weekends, but it's been going great...well WAS...until about a week ago. I spent the weekend at her place, had a BLAST, and it really felt like that first time where we both realized how great things are going, and how well they can continue to go in the future...we were just very comfortable with each other and having fun. Monday morning, I show up to work to a very nice/flattering email about how much fun she had, and how much she enjoyed my company all weekend. Awesome. So I write back something nice, saying I had a great time too, it was great seeing you, etc. We exchanged a normal amount of our daily emails...then, things got weird for the rest of the week. She didn't initiate a single conversation (no calling, texting, emailing) all week, was very short with me whenever i would text her or email her, and we barely talked this weekend either. And I think as a result of the fact that I haven't been in a relationship in so long, i'm starting to worry. I'm a confident guy (though not cocky), and never smother girls, whether it's casual or something serious like this, so I'm really starting to wonder what gives. I finally flat out asked her today if something was wrong, and she insists, no, sorry, i was so busy this week, bla bla. Fine, but she's been busy before, and she was also very short with me after work hours in texts and stuff. THis might sound childish, but something is just different. My question is, is this normal? Do girls just once in a while have pockets of 4-5 days where they back off a little? I would say that maybe the weekend, whiel I thought it was great, "scared" her a little, so she wanted to cool off for a week or so, but her email monday morning was the opposite: It was downright sappy. The email I wrote back wasn't overly serious, but was definitely nice, so i can't shock it up to a response she was looking for that she didn't get. Assuming I take her for her word that nothing is wrong, and that she's just been busy all week, how do I stop myself from getting into my own head, and overanalyzing this? I really never get like this, haven't been really ever, but I almost can't help it...and the last thing I want to do, because I know how annoying it can be, is start texting her again, insisting that something's wrong, or that we have a serious conversation. Any advice? Guys too, if you're been through somethign similar. Thanks for your time!
portcitykitty Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Hey Jake! I'm right there with you on the worrying thing! My bf gets onto me CONSTANTLY about my worrying! I'm trying to work on it, but alas, it's hard! He and I have been seeing each other for almost a year, and we both give each other ample space. I know he's a very busy boy, and I hate the idea of smothering him, even though I very easily could! We sometimes go a week without calling each other. It's not that I get busy, cuz I'm not a busy person at all, I just give him space and don't want to seem needy and clingy, or bothersome cuz when I do talk to him, 95% of the time he's at work. About your girl's case...maybe she really is busy...surely she didn't get scared about how great the weekend went! I've mentioned it to my bf before and he's reassured me that he is not ignoring me or neglecting me, he just gets busy and caught up into what he's got going on and forgets sometimes. I've learned to accept it and not take it personally. And yes, I do still worry about it, along with tons of other things! This is what I would do (and have done), but I would say take her word for it that she's been busy and try to be cool. Continue doing your normal routine of texting/emailing/etc (just don't keep insisting that something's wrong), and if things still seem weird after another week or 2, try to talk to her again. Good luck with everything!
Konfuzion Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 My advice would be to meditate Takes your mind off all the small silly things out there.
shockandawed Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Jake, I understand the worrying stuff, for the first time I am finding myself doing the same thing. It has been my experience when behavior suddenly changes then something is up. You said you have been seeing her for several months. Have you discussed the relationship, exclusitivity, etc? You also mentioned you see each other a couple of times a week. I get the impression you haven't seen her since last weekend, is that normal for you? I wouldn't badger her with the " what's wrong " interrogations quite yet, but I would suggest doing some checks...what would happen if you called and asked her out for a specific night real soon?
belladonna Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 hello..I just came upon this forum and am in a similar position to you. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months and all of a sudden last week his behaviour "changed". He forgot to call me a couple times and then we didn't talk for like 3 days (haha..unusual for us). I was sooo upset..crying and such to myself. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing was, he knew I was busy working and he's been really tired lately. I got over it, but then on Saturday he decided to stay in instead of coming out with me.. we only see each other on the weekends so I was really upset. I still am..I can't focus on homework I keep crying spontaneously and worrying myself sick. I've never been like this before! I guess I should take the advice given and wait and see? It's very distracting. I feel for you Jake you're not alone.
Miranda1 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I'm in the same situation. I've just starting seeing a guy, but he hasn't replied to my last three text messages, and it's like he's vanished! It's so hard, because I don't usually like dating, 'cause I get heartbroken so easily. And now, I'm just a wreck. I suppose I won't be seeing him anymore, but I really hate feeling like this! I think I'm too sensitive to be dating!
Shygirl15 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Same thing happened to me and my BF last weekend. I mean exactly the same scenario plus the Monday loving emails, lovey, dovey chitchat etc, but I just needed a breather really plus I don't want to give too much reassurance, so I went quiet for 5 days. Nothing major. I also purposely avoided talking to him this past weekend. If I don't do this, I tend to get bored with people so quickly.
PrincessPeach Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 My question is, is this normal? Do girls just once in a while have pockets of 4-5 days where they back off a little? Yes, this is normal. Both guys and girls do this. Sometimes people just like to back off a little before coming back around. it doesn't mean they lose ineterst, it just means they like some time for themselves every now and then I guess. Assuming I take her for her word that nothing is wrong, and that she's just been busy all week, how do I stop myself from getting into my own head, and overanalyzing this? When she is like this... if you start acting all weird, concerned and different, then you'll make something be wrong. It won't be wrong because she withdrew a little. It will be wrong because you are acting not like you in her eyes. Just keep about being how you've always been with her. Withdraw yourself a little so you aren't too imposeing when she is taking a little time for herself. She'll come back around if everything remains normal so don't go and do things that will only work to push her away. There is nothing you can do or say specifically/directly that will get a girl or guy to like you more or to come back to you. Being direct in that manner can only push them further away, never bring them back to you. In the event that something really is wrong with her and she says that nothing is... don't keep asking her. Even if you know something is wrong she clearly doesn't want to be asked a bunch about it. Once is more than enough. She might think you are supposed to be able to figure it out on your own (it's somewhat irrational, but we get like that sometimes ). If you are openly concerned or worried all the time it appears that you don't have confidence in yourself or the relationship. Also... why do so many guys ask for women's advice on things like this?! Guys are the ones who have been in your shoes and have the past experience. Why direct a question like this at women?
Author Jake12429 Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 In response to the last post, the reason I asked girls instead of guys is because you're the crazy ones who act like this for no reason. Sure, I'm certainly being a little nuts with how i'm over-thinking everything, but I'm not the one who goes from 0-60 at the drop of the dime...she is. As such, I thought it would be good to hear a women's point of view, cause I'm dealing with a women...if any ladies could provide insight, and reassure me that i'm just overreacting, then that's what i was looking for.
PrincessPeach Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 As such, I thought it would be good to hear a women's point of view, cause I'm dealing with a women... I understand why people think this, but it's a logical fallacy. If you are dealing with a woman, you should want to hear from other people who deal with women. Women have no experience in dealing with women in the way men deal with them. Men do. Bad analogy incoming: If you go to war, you don't ask the enemy how to attack them, you ask an ally who knows the enemy better than you do. (Not to say guys and girls are enemies, quite the opposite, but it's the simplest example I could think of) A guy would be able to tell you that you're overreacting just the same and also be more likely to give you useful insight on how to handle it. He is a guy, you're a guy... that's something in common that you can help each other with that a girl can't. I'm not saying you should disregard all female advice, but to direct such questions specifically at the opposite gender just doesn't seem like the best idea if you are looking for help. Also, to say we are the "crazy ones who act like this for no reason" is a little off base. Look around the forums... you'll see that it is both genders who act that way.
Author Jake12429 Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 I know, you're right, I was saying it in jest. My point wiht asking women was simply to see if maybe they've acted the same way in the past, and what it meant. Every female is different from another, just like males and females are different from each other, but I just thought it would be a good insight to hear it form a girl's point of view, who's maybe done the same thing that she is doing. That's all.
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