About handling rejection effectively...

[SushiX]

Like I said its a numbers game!

 

Go to any club, bar or where single people usually hang out. I'm sure you can easily talk to 20+ girls in one night. I do this every weekend when I'm single.

 

At first you'll feel the rejections but after hitting on 20+ girls and getting a few numbers would it even matter wether the next girl rejects you? You'll feel like you own the place and all the girls in it.

 

Trust me dude, I probably been rejected like several thousand times. I can tell you now that I feel its geniunely her lost because once she rejects me she'll see that I'm already at the other table hitting on other girls. Play on player!

[movingonandon]

Someone wrote an interesting thing on this site some time ago and it got me thinking.

 

 

 

How would I handle rejections in a fashion such that I can confidently believe that sort of talk, that they literally bit the dust and that I can confidently and genuinely know that it was absolutely no loss on my part and thoroughly one on theirs, with no self-delusion or other false self-talk involved? At the moment I still seem to be someone losing out (failing to get someone to speak with me, failure to get a date, failure to get sex, or so on, depending on the situation or what I may be looking for).

 

In an ideal life, all of those outcomes would be so extremely abundant in my life that individual rejections would be completely meaningless. But that's not how my life seems to be or ever have been, so I can't seem to genuinely next women or laugh off as genuinely trivial the rejections that do come my way; they seem to be doing the rejecting and it seems to be me who "bites the dust", however figuratively.

 

What is necessary for this to change?

 

Well of course it's your loss too, to put it only in terms of "their loss" is delusional . But, that's not the point. This is really no different than accepting that you're not the center of the universe and that most thing in life operate without taking you into account *at all.* I think that this is the true meaning of the overused phrase "don't take it personally".

Another thing that also gets forgoten in this line of advice is that "it is their loss" is no excuse for not workin on improving yourself. So constantly increasing your coolness factor is important - but not in order to satisfy some hotties, but in directions that seem benefitial to you. You need to learn to be happy with yourself *permanently*, but not try to fake it in order to seem more attractive. Of course, faking it is a part of learning how to actually get there, but you get the point.

 

So the only way to deal with this is to pull yourself by your hair, dust up the swagger (get some boots, if necessary), and be the most interesting man alive - the kind of guy you like, not the one trying to guess what chicks would like. Beyond some commonsensical rules, nothing but you can make you attractive. I wish I was more consistent in following my own advice, but i still believe it holds true

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Discovering that you are not the center of the universe is the most freeing thing that can happen to you, or anyone.

 

I love that I can be happy with my little space on the planet. I inhabit my space with great joy and enthusiasm! For those who don't like me, eh, F*** em. I'm going to enjoy my time here.

[Lights]

You asked for advice, and You'reAsian is trying to give it to the best of his abilities. Do you really need to be this critical?

 

Are you very critical of people IRL?

 

Well, I don't really know. To be perfectly honest I'm afraid to talk this openly in real life, so this sort of stuff generally doesn't happen. It's just that I saw potential thread hijacking and it was on a subject that happens to frustrate me no end, so I didn't want to see it hijacked. Maybe I shouldn't have been so critical as you say.

 

At first you'll feel the rejections but after hitting on 20+ girls and getting a few numbers would it even matter wether the next girl rejects you? You'll feel like you own the place and all the girls in it.

 

What makes you think the ratio is "a few numbers" out of "20+ girls"? Maybe what you write isn't pure urban myth, but it would probably depend on that sort of ratio. It hasn't been the ratio I've been experiencing all these years.

 

Would it also cause the feeling you describe (of owning the place and all the women in it) if it is and always has been attempting to hit on many girls and getting zero numbers, and generally not even any response of any kind at all?

 

Trust me dude, I probably been rejected like several thousand times.

My own experience is of that same order of magnitude. I do not need to trust anyone on this; I have my own experience doing what you describe.

 

I can tell you now that I feel its geniunely her lost because once she rejects me she'll see that I'm already at the other table hitting on other girls. Play on player!

A non sequitur. Being somewhere else does not necessarily mean it is the rejector's loss. There have been myriad situations wherein someone rejects me and I, by the nature of the situation, have soon moved to be somewhere else.

 

You state: If you allocate personal time to invest in yourself' date=' it will have no effect on how women treat you. [/quote']

Exactly. Self-improvement has its value in and of itself. But it has absolutely zero effect on whether or not a woman even responds to a hi.

 

I think a little extra time in the gym could improve your health, your appearance and might introduce you to some women. Spending time with a social group - dedicated to helping others - would certainly improve the way you think about yourself, since that is an action manifested from your desire to help others. It would also put you in a place to meet like-minded women.

 

I guess fit or nice women aren't in your selection of attractive women?

 

Actively training in the gym does not and has never meant anything regarding having women respond to me at all, yes. It is a worthwhile activity in and of itself and it has its rewards (as you point out, they include improved health and appearance), but it has no effect on one's dealings with women. I've been there before. Perhaps in someone's rather naive fantasies a cute, fit, friendly woman will somehow materialize and compliment one on one's deadlifting technique. In reality, training is just something one might do, and one may encounter and attempt to meet women wherever one may in one's day-to-day life (which may very well include at the gym), and the responses or lack thereof are the same, year after year.

 

I've not joined any social group dedicated to helping others, though. I may consider that if time clears up in a bit.

 

As far as your question goes, I can only say this: One should not make the horribly naive mistake of assuming that being in a place with people that have similar personal goals in their own training or other such time usage necessarily have any will in the slightest to actually deal with anyone in any remotely positive manner.

 

 

The best way to learn to deal with rejection, in my experience, is to become a happier, more whole person.

 

Hi Berrieh, what do you mean by a whole person? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

 

The more you internalize negativity, the more you're going to self-flagellate yourself to the point of no self-esteem. Every little negative thing that happens, doesn't necessarily have to do with you. To believe this, is to believe that self is the center of the universe.

 

I suppose. I wouldn't be surprised if I have already done that (reduced my own self-esteem).

 

True, it might not have to do with me.

 

Well of course it's your loss too, to put it only in terms of "their loss" is delusional .

Oh. So it's pretty much impossible then?

 

But, that's not the point. This is really no different than accepting that you're not the center of the universe and that most thing in life operate without taking you into account *at all.* I think that this is the true meaning of the overused phrase "don't take it personally".

I see. How then does one gain any confidence in one's ability to do things that have real effects in social interactions then, if most all such social situations do not operate in a manner that takes one into account?

 

So constantly increasing your coolness factor is important - but not in order to satisfy some hotties, but in directions that seem benefitial to you.

What does this mean (increasing coolness factor)?

 

So the only way to deal with this is to pull yourself by your hair, dust up the swagger (get some boots, if necessary), and be the most interesting man alive - the kind of guy you like, not the one trying to guess what chicks would like.

This was what I was trying to explain to Youreasian; spending time doing things one may personally find to be of use or of interest or of value is perfectly good (the example he used was working out in gyms, which is something I happen to do), but one would have to be horribly naive to assume that it will have any effect on one's social dealings. I've lived that life (spending some years spending most all my time outside of work doing things I was interested in, alone and solely for my own purposes), and it's great for accomplishing things in one's own life. It doesn't improve social matters, though.

 

Discovering that you are not the center of the universe is the most freeing thing that can happen to you, or anyone.

 

I love that I can be happy with my little space on the planet. I inhabit my space with great joy and enthusiasm! For those who don't like me, eh, F*** em. I'm going to enjoy my time here.

 

I really like this attitude, but when it is implemented from a position of weakness or from having been already rejected (as it is in my case), it degenerates into a "sour grapes" mentality that often ends up ruling out everybody in my range of operations (or more accurately, pretending that one is doing the ruling out when in reality it's being done to oneself by the others) and having a side effect of not really making things enjoyable. Basically, it's "That's how they want to treat me? **** them! What, they want to try that too? **** them too. Those ones too?!...", and eventually, "...actually, hell with everyone.".

 

Not that abandoning a social scene in favor of other things one might do for one's own purposes isn't worth it (such as your mention of going swimming, or as Youreasian prefers, working out at the gym). But it is not a solution in and of itself.

 

 

Thanks for your time all.

 

I better take my mind off this for now. I'm not even sure I can think straight anymore.

[berrieh]

To answer your question, by more "whole person," - it's something I say a lot - I'm referring to the process by which you construct and complete yourself. It's something we all do, consciously or not, well or not, and if we do it well, we are happier and less in need of outside validation.

 

The reason rejection hurts you as much as it does has more to do with you, and doesn't hurt others as much, than anything else circumstantial in your life. It shows that you aren't whole yet. When you're whole, those rejections naturally bounce off. Sure, you feel them, but they become like mosquitos swatted away, instead of knives wedged in your chest, you know? It's like you have a protective coating and less "cracks" for things to get in.

 

Being 'whole' is constructing a total understanding of who you are, what you want, what you value, what you have to offer as strengths, what your weaknesses are (and accepting and celebrating them, rather than disparaging them), and finding value in being present for every moment of your life. It's a work in progress for most of our lives to become totally whole, and we get broken at times and have to re-build.

 

I'm not suggesting one hates themselves just because they feel rejection; that's absurd. But when you become more comfortable with yourself - I know because I've done it and observed it in others - rejections don't really register anymore. I used to get upset at perceived rejections that weren't even real by people who were barely in my life (strangers or aquaintences at best); they would haunt me for days or weeks. Sometimes longer. But, the more whole and healthy I became, the less I felt rejections.

 

Now, it doesn't bother me if a good friend takes 3 weeks to call me back (used to drive me crazy) and it certainly doesn't bother me if a stranger doesn't find me attractive. I find myself attractive. Many people do. Someone else will. I don't think, "Ah, their loss" so much as I focus on these aspects. Of course, there are good days and bad days, and it still hurts if someone I'm serious about rejects me. But it used to take me weeks or months to get over that, and the last time, it really only took me a few days, after dating for 2 months. Vast improvement. Because I was more aware of myself, more present, and happier with me.

 

Sorry if that got too New Age-y or psycho-analytic (I'm in a masters program for counseling, so I tend to get overly into that stuff at times). But I do think developing a healthy self is the only way to begin to handle rejection with ease.

[Isolde]

Lights' main point is that this "f---" you mentality, which should be freeing, soon becomes an "f--- them all" mentality because seemingly everyone rejects him.

 

This is hard to address. Lights, do you have lots of trusting platonic friendships? I find that when I have more of those, I tend to feel more mellow and compassionate, less anxious and resentful.

 

You could benefit from therapy. You could also benefit from turning this problem around and trying not to take it quite so seriously.

 

Women aren't your enemy. Sometimes crap happens. The question is what are you going to do about it?

 

Remember that women you meet are just as anxious about dating as you are. In fact, I bet there are some women that have felt rejected by you, or that regretted rejecting you.

 

Let me ask you this. Imagine for a moment that a woman who rejects you actually wanted to date you but has a boyfriend. Would you feel any differently then?

 

In other words, is it more personal rejection that haunts you, or the inability to find dates?

[Lights]

Berrieh, I won't comment on the rest of what you wrote, mainly because I have to think about it more. I'd like what you described in it.

 

Now, it doesn't bother me if a good friend takes 3 weeks to call me back (used to drive me crazy) and it certainly doesn't bother me if a stranger doesn't find me attractive. I find myself attractive. Many people do. Someone else will.

 

But how did you find this out without some form of external validation? Wouldn't it be the case that in order to identify what it is one might believe that someone else would find attractive, one would need to find out through actually seeing if people are attracted to it?

 

Sorry if that got too New Age-y or psycho-analytic (I'm in a masters program for counseling, so I tend to get overly into that stuff at times). But I do think developing a healthy self is the only way to begin to handle rejection with ease.

Hey good luck in the program berrieh!

 

Women aren't your enemy. Sometimes crap happens. The question is what are you going to do about it?

I really don't know what there really is left to do about it.

 

Let me ask you this. Imagine for a moment that a woman who rejects you actually wanted to date you but has a boyfriend. Would you feel any differently then?

 

In other words, is it more personal rejection that haunts you, or the inability to find dates?

 

That sort of thing only is an issue if they're rude about it. But it's not really been what's happening, though, or if it is the case (that nearly all the women I've attempted to speak to were not single), I've most often had no way to tell.

 

Individual personal rejections are things that go by quickly simply because situations and life in general move quickly. They're not fun, no doubt. But when it is chronic and it dominates many of even the more basic attempts at socializing with someone of potential interest (e.g. generally can't even get a response to a hi), and when each such incident has a significant effect on my dating life or sex life, and it all continues on to the point of worthlessness, it burns me up inside. Especially when I see that these are things mere children can do, and I refuse to believe that I could possibly be that horrifically inept or repellent.

[berrieh]

But how did you find this out without some form of external validation? Wouldn't it be the case that in order to identify what it is one might believe that someone else would find attractive, one would need to find out through actually seeing if people are attracted to it?

 

I suppose I did have some external validation, as I have had people call me attractive before. Surely, someone, somewhere, has provided you with some external validation, however; few people are completely lacking in positive external validation...but rather focus on the negative external reactions they get, rather than the positive ones. There are also healthy ways to seek out external validations, but, honestly, until the internal validations are there, they won't do much good. You know?

 

I guarantee that someone, somewhere is attracted to almost every quality; so, the issue isn't a matter of finding out 'what attracts people' but in understanding one's self and who one hopes to attract.