About handling rejection effectively...

[Lights]

Someone wrote an interesting thing on this site some time ago and it got me thinking.

 

This is what you say to yourself.

 

Oh well, another one bites the dust.

 

And then stop thinking about it.

 

How would I handle rejections in a fashion such that I can confidently believe that sort of talk, that they literally bit the dust and that I can confidently and genuinely know that it was absolutely no loss on my part and thoroughly one on theirs, with no self-delusion or other false self-talk involved? At the moment I still seem to be someone losing out (failing to get someone to speak with me, failure to get a date, failure to get sex, or so on, depending on the situation or what I may be looking for).

 

In an ideal life, all of those outcomes would be so extremely abundant in my life that individual rejections would be completely meaningless. But that's not how my life seems to be or ever have been, so I can't seem to genuinely next women or laugh off as genuinely trivial the rejections that do come my way; they seem to be doing the rejecting and it seems to be me who "bites the dust", however figuratively.

 

What is necessary for this to change?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Lights, it is difficult when you have experienced a lot of rejection without much positive reaction.

 

There are times when I don't feel confident. Sometimes I get in a funk and I don't feel good about myself. I may feel like I'm not good enough for anyone.

 

What seems to help me is to do something I'm really good at, and to do it often. For example, I love to swim, and I'm good at it. When I get in the pool I know I'm going to be one of the fastest people there. Other people there will make comments like, wow, you're really good. It's something I have that is not dependent on anyone but me. It connects me to my youth and a feeling of strength and confidence.

 

These feelings carry over into my daily life and change how I perceive myself. When I start to perceive myself in a more positive light, it is a lot easier to shrug off rejection.

 

Are you dealing with depression by any chance? It may help to tackle that monster, too, professionally if need be. I just ask because of some of your other threads I have read.

[SushiX]

It's a numbers game Lights. Talk to 20 girls in one night. You might get rejected by 18 girls and get numbers from the other 2, maybe more if you're lucky, but how would you know this if you're so fearful of rejection?

 

And keep in mind that you may be rejected not because of your looks, etc. It could have nothing to do with you at all. Be nice, confident and try the game. You'll get laid in no time!

[Lights]

Lights, it is difficult when you have experienced a lot of rejection without much positive reaction.

It is. That's why I ask the questions I asked.

 

There are times when I don't feel confident. Sometimes I get in a funk and I don't feel good about myself. I may feel like I'm not good enough for anyone.

 

What seems to help me is to do something I'm really good at, and to do it often. For example, I love to swim, and I'm good at it. When I get in the pool I know I'm going to be one of the fastest people there. Other people there will make comments like, wow, you're really good. It's something I have that is not dependent on anyone but me. It connects me to my youth and a feeling of strength and confidence.

 

These feelings carry over into my daily life and change how I perceive myself. When I start to perceive myself in a more positive light, it is a lot easier to shrug off rejection.

 

Are you dealing with depression by any chance? It may help to tackle that monster, too, professionally if need be. I just ask because of some of your other threads I have read.

 

Well, I certainly agree on the value of doing things on one's own. In my case the kinds of things you mention aren't things that are social (or that anyone comments on), but it doesn't really have any effect outside the given arena, though. It hasn't ever made any given set of rejections less effective at reducing opportunities for me, whether in terms of the immediate results (such as the number of people who even talk to me, or whether I have a date or a fling or whatever on Saturday night, or whatever else) or psychologically (in terms of confidence or the like).

 

As far as your last question, I'd rather not speak of the matter (whether confirming or denying) over the internet, but thank you for asking. (Please believe that I'm doing my best to express this politely; it's tough to get that across with no voice tone on the internet.)

 

It's a numbers game Lights. Talk to 20 girls in one night. You might get rejected by 18 girls and get numbers from the other 2, maybe more if you're lucky, but how would you know this if you're so fearful of rejection?

I am not asking about being fearful of rejection or of matters of probability. I am asking about how to genuinely have it be such that "Another one bites the dust" is a genuinely accurate thought for me to apply in such situations; that any rejection is purely their loss and absolutely none of mine, without involving any delusion or other lying to myself.

 

 

To answer the rest, however, what you are stating is not anything remotely like the success ratio I've been encountering all these years. It's been years since I've gotten anyone to give me her phone number. And talking to 20? Pure fantasy, or else maybe something dug up from someone's idealized vision of a college party or something. In real day-to-day life these days I'm lucky if I find even one or two unaccompanied potential women of interest in a given day and also happen to be in a time and place where I am free to socialize and not on the move somewhere.

 

But I do not want to go into further detail here; this post was meant to deal with turning rejections that do happen into something truly insignificant, not keeping count of numbers.

 

And keep in mind that you may be rejected not because of your looks, etc. It could have nothing to do with you at all. Be nice, confident and try the game. You'll get laid in no time!

True, the reason for the rejections are irrelevant unless they are something I can do something about.

 

However, I was not asking about why I was rejected; merely how to arrange my life such that if someone does, I can happily and genuinely walk away knowing that it is totally her loss and not mine in the slightest; as I stated in my original post, I cannot think of any way that would be the case unless all desirable outcomes were so massively abundantly available to me that individual rejections were rendered meaningless, and that's neither currently nor historically been happening.

 

What game do you refer to? I am not currently confident (for reasons that are apparent to anyone who's read my posts), but the rest of your post is merely an empty pep talk that does not reflect the reality of my situation.

[You'reasian]

Location, location, location

 

Where you are might limit the dating pool and therefore the kind of woman that you need.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Lights, the last section you quoted in your last post was attributed to me, but it was actually someone else who gave you that advice. Sushi, I think.

[Isolde]

Wow--I can REALLY relate to this. Too often I'm rejected and instead of feeling like it doesn't matter, I feel sad and six months later still wonder how that person is doing, etc. It's not really that good for me...

[Lights]

Lights, the last section you quoted in your last post was attributed to me, but it was actually someone else who gave you that advice. Sushi, I think.

 

Yeah, you're right. Sorry about that. Bit of clumsiness on my part in cutting/pasting the quotes. But the board apparently won't let me correct it.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Not a big deal! And yes, I do understand what you were saying, even though it is hard to convey tone on the internet.

[Isolde]

I feel like the stock advice assumes that for everyone who rejects you, there's someone out there that you like as much & are as attracted to that won't reject you. But is this true?

[refurb]

First off don't take it personally.

 

I assume you're a guy. Think of it this way. Is every guy you meet gonna end up being a friend? Of course not. People are different and often incompatible. It's not anyone's fault that it doesn't work out.

 

RF

[monkey00]

First off not everyone likes rejection so there are many others in your boat. Second off, it's about your mindset...if you don't want it to to affect you personally and your self-esteem you have to build the mindset one way or another. What mindset? There are plenty of fish in the sea; don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Of course, with that kind of mindset is what makes today's generation more potent to higher divorce rates and less likely to settle down. But take it with a grain of salt.

 

I don't think anyone here is capable of giving you the confidence you need or altering your mindset. All we can do is offer ways of dismissing/handling rejection when it comes your way. The rest is up to you.

[flc]

First off don't take it personally.

 

I assume you're a guy. Think of it this way. Is every guy you meet gonna end up being a friend? Of course not. People are different and often incompatible. It's not anyone's fault that it doesn't work out.

 

RF

 

This is the way you have to look at it. The rejection is not really about you but about your compatibility with the person so in the end if you get rejected it is a good thing as you are not wasting time with someone who does not match up well with you.

 

For breakups I have a two day rule, I will only allow myself to be bummed out for two days, then its over and on to something else.

[Lights]

I feel like the stock advice assumes that for everyone who rejects you, there's someone out there that you like as much & are as attracted to that won't reject you. But is this true?

 

That pretty much identifies the issue with the whole "numbers game"-type advice, yes. I don't believe it's true, however; if it was, things would certainly be easier.

 

Among the more asinine variants of it include stuff like "Every no brings you closer to a yes". It doesn't require extensive knowledge of probabilistic independence to see how that's total BS.

 

First off don't take it personally.

 

I assume you're a guy. Think of it this way. Is every guy you meet gonna end up being a friend? Of course not. People are different and often incompatible. It's not anyone's fault that it doesn't work out.

This is the way you have to look at it. The rejection is not really about you but about your compatibility with the person so in the end if you get rejected it is a good thing as you are not wasting time with someone who does not match up well with you.

 

These are certainly true, but I don't suspect compatibility is necessarily the primary issue in all such situations.

How much compatibility is required to say hi back to someone?

How much compatibility is required in order to meet someone for coffee?

How much relationship compatibility is involved in picking someone up on the spot for a one-night- or one-day-stand?

What sort of compatibility is necessary to get a phone call from someone?

 

First off not everyone likes rejection so there are many others in your boat. Second off, it's about your mindset...if you don't want it to to affect you personally and your self-esteem you have to build the mindset one way or another. What mindset? There are plenty of fish in the sea; don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

As Isolde pointed out and as I mentioned here, numbers alone don't matter unless I have reason to believe that sufficient relevant positive responses are available from other individuals among those numbers.

 

And that's where it's all going to hell, mindset or otherwise; rejections for a date can pretty much crush my chances at having a date at all during the relevant time period. Being ignored when saying hi or rejected while starting a conversation, if it happens often enough compared to the opposite, generally terminates most of my chances to speak to women of potential interest. Failure to seduce someone renders that day sexless for me. And so on; "plenty of fish in the sea" becomes meaningless because positive responses aren't abundant enough for the negative ones to have a trivial impact on my personal life. Thus, I'm still losing out, and I'm unable to truly believe it's the rejectors that are "biting the dust".

[You'reasian]

Put yourself in a good place and by that I mean take good care of yourself and channel your energies elsewhere. Sure, go out and meet people but be about your interests/hobbies and just go with the flow. Rejection isn't fun, but don't take it personal.

 

The industrious Dale Carnegie said that you can channel your sex energies/passions into other areas of life and beef them up. Sure, its not going to stop you from thinking about the attractive gal that walks before you, but it will put things into perspective.

[Isolde]

Put yourself in a good place and by that I mean take good care of yourself and channel your energies elsewhere. Sure, go out and meet people but be about your interests/hobbies and just go with the flow. Rejection isn't fun, but don't take it personal.

 

The industrious Dale Carnegie said that you can channel your sex energies/passions into other areas of life and beef them up. Sure, its not going to stop you from thinking about the attractive gal that walks before you, but it will put things into perspective.

 

You'reasian, how is the OP supposed to channel a perfectly legitimate desire elsewhere?

 

I mean, it DOES help to channel SOME Of it, sure, into pursuits like work or art. But, again, it's a legitimate desire. It's not like he needs to channel a bad trait into something good, you know?

 

Many of us who experience rejection are frustrated at people always acting like our feelings are wrong.

[You'reasian]

You'reasian, how is the OP supposed to channel a perfectly legitimate desire elsewhere?

 

I mean, it DOES help to channel SOME Of it, sure, into pursuits like work or art. But, again, it's a legitimate desire. It's not like he needs to channel a bad trait into something good, you know?

 

Many of us who experience rejection are frustrated at people always acting like our feelings are wrong.

 

I agree with your response. By taking a break from dating and rechanneling your interests, you can refine what it is you are looking for. Search your thoughts. Make lists about things you like and dislike. Its amazing what you can find when you put it on paper.

 

While you're making this list (or journal), put on your favorite love music (or makeout music )

[Isolde]

I agree with your response. By taking a break from dating and rechanneling your interests, you can refine what it is you are looking for. Search your thoughts. Make lists about things you like and dislike. Its amazing what you can find when you put it on paper.

 

While you're making this list (or journal), put on your favorite love music (or makeout music )

 

want to help me find a CD?

[Lights]

Put yourself in a good place and by that I mean take good care of yourself and channel your energies elsewhere.

An irrelevant tangent. How I allocate my personal time does not have any effect on how women I may encounter treat me, nor does it change how much effect each rejection has on available social opportunities. I happen to have done this for some years, but I will not discuss it further in order to prevent myself from hijacking my own thread.

 

By taking a break from dating and rechanneling your interests' date=' you can refine what it is you are looking for. Search your thoughts. Make lists about things you like and dislike. Its amazing what you can find when you put it on paper.[/quote']

 

This also is the same as above. Been there, done that, but nevertheless this entire line of talk is irrelevant to the topic.

[You'reasian]

 

want to help me find a CD?

 

Sure

 

PM coming your way with thoughts from these posts.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

An irrelevant tangent. How I allocate my personal time does not have any effect on how women I may encounter treat me, nor does it change how much effect each rejection has on available social opportunities. I happen to have done this for some years, but I will not discuss it further in order to prevent myself from hijacking my own thread.

 

 

 

This also is the same as above. Been there, done that, but nevertheless this entire line of talk is irrelevant to the topic.

 

You asked for advice, and You'reAsian is trying to give it to the best of his abilities. Do you really need to be this critical?

 

Are you very critical of people IRL?

[You'reasian]

An irrelevant tangent. How I allocate my personal time does not have any effect on how women I may encounter treat me, nor does it change how much effect each rejection has on available social opportunities. I happen to have done this for some years, but I will not discuss it further in order to prevent myself from hijacking my own thread.

 

This also is the same as above. Been there, done that, but nevertheless this entire line of talk is irrelevant to the topic.

 

You state: If you allocate personal time to invest in yourself, it will have no effect on how women treat you.

 

I think a little extra time in the gym could improve your health, your appearance and might introduce you to some women. Spending time with a social group - dedicated to helping others - would certainly improve the way you think about yourself, since that is an action manifested from your desire to help others. It would also put you in a place to meet like-minded women.

 

I guess fit or nice women aren't in your selection of attractive women?

[berrieh]

An irrelevant tangent. How I allocate my personal time does not have any effect on how women I may encounter treat me, nor does it change how much effect each rejection has on available social opportunities.

 

But... how you allocate your personal time absolutely does have an effect on how women you may encounter treat you AND how you experience rejection. At least in my experience (substituting "women" for "men").

 

Who you are, as a whole person, and how you allocate your personal time is going to be the foundation for any dating/relationship experience -- and it's the foundation for any interaction with others.

 

The best way to learn to deal with rejection, in my experience, is to become a happier, more whole person. I used to feel rejection deeply, back with I was much more "broken" and aimless; when I began working on myself and finding what makes ME whole (it's different for everyone), I found that rejection didn't sting so much. It was more, "Eh. Guess that's not meant to be, then" and I could see where it just wasn't a big deal in the whole scheme of my life, which I think is what you're trying for.

 

Not to say I never get bummed. If I really like someone, I get bummed if they don't reciprocate. But it doesn't cut so deep or last so long. And it's only if it's someone I'm actually involved with, not just a nonstarter.

 

Many people never become truly happy with themselves and a lot of relationship struggles and dating struggles are a result of that. Handling rejection is entirely linked to who you are, how you spend your time, and what makes you whole and happy. If you're looking for a "quick fix magic bullet," you won't find one.

[You'reasian]

You asked for advice, and You'reAsian is trying to give it to the best of his abilities. Do you really need to be this critical?

 

Are you very critical of people IRL?

 

No worries, Cherry.

 

I'm fairly athletic, very active, really enjoy testing myself physically/mentally, am sociable and alot of people would look at this as a waste of time, trying too hard or phony. So what works for a motivated, active individual may not work for someone whose skeptical, sedentary, hard-nosed mellow type.

 

That being said, how does a skeptical, sedentary, hard-nosed, mellow individual meet someone like him?

[Trialbyfire]

The more you internalize negativity, the more you're going to self-flagellate yourself to the point of no self-esteem. Every little negative thing that happens, doesn't necessarily have to do with you. To believe this, is to believe that self is the center of the universe.