MarieD Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Hello I need HELP, please! My boyfriend & I are both 35. We have been dating for almost 8 months & I need advice. I met him on match.com, things were GREAT the first 2 months. There was SO much passion between us etc. We slept together after 1 month & it was great & was a lot of fun. Well month 3 - 5, he put me through some REALLY rough stuff. He got VERY insecure was always accusing me of lying, hiding stuff, always thought I was up to no good & it affected me BIG time. Some examples. 1- I got accuse of flirting with him 58 year old uncle & his friend cause when i hugged them goodbye, i rubbed their back, He wouldn't talk to me the entire night. .... 2- If i didn't answer my phone when he called, he accused me of being out & doing something where i can't answer his call. 3- When I went out to Happy Hours with my friends, I was always flirting or talking to guys, which wasn't true. 4-When he would asked me a question, if i didn't answer him right away, he would accuse me of hesitating & thinking of a lie to say & not being honest. 5- If i went out to lunch with a bunch of people at work & their were guys there, he didn't like it. I could go on & on & on. This killed that close love that i had for him in the beginning. Because of all the BS he put me through, I lost that loving feeling. I love him now, but not like i did in the beginning. I dont enjoy sex with him now like i used to. I just do it just to do it & get it over with. It was never like this in the beginning. He has been working on his insecurity, but i'm still dead inside due to those 3 months of hell. I was just wondering if i will ever get that loving feeling back. He is going to therapy to help him. I told him that those 3 months of hell, changed me. He said couples are supposed to forgive & forget. But how can i when it affected me BIG TIME. I don;t want to break up with him, but i don't feel as close to him like i used to & it causes many problems. Has anyone experienced something where they lost feelings & got it back??? Is it possible?? Advice please!!!!
jason83 Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Wow. This guy is beyond insecure. Is there any way that his insecurities could stem from his own dishonesty and possible activities he could have been doing behind your back? Not wanting to put ideas into your head but have to ask
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 It may be time to refresh that profile on Match. Seriously, he sounds very controlling and no very much fun. What bothers me is that he expects you to just "forgive and forget". 3 months of hell? That's not going to take 3 minutes to get over. He doesn't seem to understand how his actions have affected you. I know you are thinking that you are 35 and if this doesn't work out, will you be able to find someone else? I am 36, I know those feelings. But there is ALWAYS someone else. What percentage of the time are you happy with this guy, and what percentage of the time are you unhappy? Do you enjoy your alone time more than your time with him? Don't answer based on the first 3 months of the relationship. Answer based on how you feel today.
marlynshopgrl Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME, run! As fast as you can, RUN. Look, I honestly believe people, circumstances give us all insight, and WE tend to either ignore them OR think things will change. His controlling behavior are underlining issues to something greater and I fear that if you don’t get out and you allow your daydreaming of the "could be" this could eventually lead to physical abuse. I am so sorry to say this to you without concrete evidence, but I’ve been there! I honestly believe that before a first hit comes to revelations, the other person must tear you down within, and I am only telling you this because I have heard this before. I personally left it after I was accused several times of doing things I didn’t, but believe if I stayed (and I wanted to) it would eventually lead there. Look at it this way, the beginning should be the best time, where you have the most fun, the best sex and is the beginning foundation to the rest of the relationship (and your lives), if this really the type of man you want to continue allow to belittle you with accusations? If this is the beginning, what will the future entail? You seem like a caring person, who really is unable to see past the first two months, but you need to realize the first three months are the honeymoon stage, and it takes six months to see someone’s TRUE PERSONALITY, do you like what you've seen? Because unless h gets some therapy, he WILL NOT CHANGE. I hope you heard me, HE WILL NOT CHANGE! Don’t know you, but everyone deserves the best, don’t settle!!! Please don’t settle. One last thing, ask yourself this one question "What has this man done for you in eight months that is so great that you would be willing to sacrifice your self dignity?" I hope I have help, and I wish you the very best. Mar P.S. I have no idea why I answered you but I truly believe NOTHING happens by accident.
Author MarieD Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 jason- he has gotten alot better now than he was. He doesn't put me through it much as he did, he does slip up every once in awhile. BUT he doesn't understand how his reactions affected me back then. He expects me to just get over it overnight, which isn't going to happen. Cherry - hahahh yeah i think i am done with match.com. Men I met on there have problems. hahah I may give up on that! haha No those 3 months weren't fun at all. I was afraid to tell him anything or talk, cause i didn't know what i was going to get accused of & if he was going to flip out on me again! I walked on eggshells for 3 months. No he doesn't understand how his actions affected me at all. He thinks i could get over it overnight, which isn't going to happen! Yeah i am 35, soon to be 36, just scares u a little bit. BUT honestly, i rather be alone than be in those 3 months of hell again! NO WAY! I am happy with my BF at times, however, we can't get through 1 week without fighting about a guy or a stupid comment, so its hard to give a percent of the time we are happy. We never made it through a month without fighting about stupid crap. & when we fight, it makes my feelings even worse, i can't stand being around him. I could say that in 8 months we fought more than we were happy. When we fight, like we did last night, i just want to be alone, away from him. I feel even further away than i do normally from him. I enjoy my time alone when we fight & that is once a week. I do enjoy my time with him when we are together, but we are always fighting about something stupid. Since our fight last night, i have no desire to see him today at all!
Author MarieD Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 Marlyn- thanks for you reply. He is going to therapy to help his insecurity. He slips up once in awhile but isn't like that so much now but he affected my heart big time. I'm dead inside. I could take him or leave him. I lost that loving feelings because of those 3 months of hell & can't seem to get it back. I"m so dead inside, don't enjoy him as much as i used to & certainly don't enjoy sex with him, like i did before. His insecurities killed our relationship!!! & its a shame. I have some thinking to do. But when we break up, he comes crying & begging me to at least try. I don't know what to do.
marlynshopgrl Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 He sounds like he needs help, but YOU are not a therapist (are you?)(LOL)! No seriously, this doesnt sound like the relationship for anyone. Maybe your loss will help him to work on HIM for a while, and you my dear close that door (it will be hard, at first) and Im sure a window will open for either the next experience or your true love. Good luck!!!!
Author MarieD Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 We are going to try therapy. I don't know what else to do. thanks for all ur replies!
Author MarieD Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 any other opinions? can one get their feelings back after partner behavior put the fire out??
Viking Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Your biggest problem is trying to start over without going back to the beginning. Make him "woo" you again and see if he can do it and progress back to a relationship where you feel like you want him again. If not, he's not the right guy.
BrooklynBridge Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 any other opinions? can one get their feelings back after partner behavior put the fire out?? I think one can, provided the offending partner rekindles the fire, not the victim (you) who can rekindle it. He burned you in those three months, and his behavior changed the way you feel about him/the relationship, ergo, his behavior and actions are the factors in rekindling that passionate fire, there's nothing you can do to fill that void that he once occupied, he needs to be the one to do that. But, I agree with the others, you should end it and stay strong when he comes crying to you. And, if that pic in your avatar is you, I don't think you'll have a problem meeting new people. You look 25 by the way, very cute!
SushiX Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 You let him accuse you of all these things for 3 months? Are you nuts? If my gf ever accuse me even once of something I did not do, I would have a long talk with her. I would tell her I never done anything like that and if she's doesnt trust me then whats the point of being in a relationship? I would convince her I never did anything wrong, reassure her, make her trust me, of course that's if I never done anything wrong. I would never let it go on for 3 months! That is hell.
Shygirl15 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 MarieD, do you realize how many threads you have made to-date, on the same insecurity issue with your boyfriend?? Only one piece of advice is going to help your situation: Move on.
movingonandon Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 any other opinions? can one get their feelings back after partner behavior put the fire out?? Of course you can. Provided that both of you understand that you need to try. You got a rough start, but eventually any relationship runs in some sort of problem. So it always boils down to: do we learn to deal with these problems with the people we are currently with, or do we scrap everything and start from scratch. Many people choose the second option, which in my opinion is a stupid waste of time. Relationships always involve work, mutual effort. That said, you need to decide for yourself what are your boundaries and what evidence of him changing will be good enough, and stick with them (and walk away if things don't get there).
Author MarieD Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 Viking, I am trying to go back to the beginning, but its hard because i lost that loving feelings for him due to his insecure behavior. BrooklyBridge - Thank you for the nice compliment! Yes that is me in my avatar. I just meet all the guys with issues! hahah No one normal, ever! Its so hard, because we both want this so bad & its just not working out. I have never fought so much with ALL of my boyfriends put together as much as i did with him in 6 months!! I am not the fighting type & my relationship with him is nothing but fights, over such insecure things!!! Over me having guys on my facebook page,...i mean COME ON!! I wish i was 25, i will be 36 soon! :-( Thanks for the compliments, that was sweet! Sushi, Yes u r right! It was BAD! He accused me of so much! It was hell! Thats why i am suffering with trying to get my feelings back now! Shy girl, yeah i realize how many threads i made on him. Not good, is it!! Moving - I am hoping i can get them back, but with us always fighting, it just pushes me further & further away! Thanks for all your replies! I REALLY Appreciate it!!
BrooklynBridge Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I remember reading your threads a while ago about the facebook thing and thought of you when I read the first post in this thread and what do ya know? Same problems months later. And I think he was/is soooo out of line when you first posted about this. This really isn't how people in their 30s should behave, hell even tweens know this!!
Viking Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Viking, I am trying to go back to the beginning, but its hard because i lost that loving feelings for him due to his insecure behavior. Moving - I am hoping i can get them back, but with us always fighting, it just pushes me further & further away! Thanks for all your replies! I REALLY Appreciate it!! Tell him you need a break because your constant fighting is really putting the relationship on the rocks. If he wants to be with you and you want to stay with him, take a break and come back with a little less of a jaded sense of perspective. You can do it. I lost feeling for my now ex girlfriend, but ended up returning to how I felt by mentally taking a break. She would nag and so I just checked out. Came back and addressed the issues. However, we're not together anymore, but that was due to her delusional views of how love really is (she thought there should be 24/7/365 magnetic passion and fireworks towards me).
manugeorge Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I remember reading your threads a while ago about the facebook thing and thought of you when I read the first post in this thread and what do ya know? Same problems months later. And I think he was/is soooo out of line when you first posted about this. This really isn't how people in their 30s should behave, hell even tweens know this!! exactly. This is not how adults behave.
Shygirl15 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 exactly. This is not how adults behave. Some people will never mature. I dated the someone with exact tantrum behaviours, and he was 35.
Author MarieD Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 NO u r right, this is not how adults act & I don't know why he acts like this!! I suggested taking a break a few months ago & my boyfriends reply was "if you think we are going to take a break & u go out & do whatever u want & go with whoever u want & then come back to me, ur crazy!" So i don't know if i should suggest a break! I'm lost right now! What makes someone act like this i have no idea! But its not fun!
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