Ex won't leave me alone

[IcemanJB]

All I can say is I think you're doing the right thing with NC. It takes an especially strong person to do NC with someone they obviously love like crazy. You've started to change for the better and she sees that. She needs to figure out if she can trust you again. Talking to you will only hinder that at the moment.

 

As for what's going through her head...I have NO IDEA. She is very confused and angry right now. I've learned to never try and decode a woman's words, especially when she has feelings towards me. IMO, her actions will speak for themselves, but at this point I really think you need to force NC. I too am going NC until I'm ready. In other words, I'm going until I am at least tolerant of the idea of her being with someone else.

 

FYI, I'm on day 9 of NC, just so it's on record. I "plan" to hopefully be completely over her by semester's end. Almost 2 months now since the breakup...

 

Keep us updated!

[IcemanJB]

Well I think I've figured something out. I guess my pride and ego was bigger than I thought, because I think I'm having the hardest time accepting the fact that she she doesn't want a relationship with me. I mean of course I miss her, but that other fact is what really gets me.

 

dns did point out that it's not that she's rejecting me, she's rejecting the situation. She knew me for many months before we were a couple. I guess that makes sense considering the things she was saying during the breakup, afterwards, and her actions up until I forced NC 10 days ago. I just need to accept that given the situation, it can't work, for whatever reasons.

 

Now my best friend is going through something VERY similar, and the poor guy is taking it really really hard. I've been trying to talk him through it; I forced him to do NC with her since she is being completely ridiculous with him. I think he's on day 1, lol. I guess it helps to have a friend who has been there, or is going through it.

 

Dmoney, any updates?

[Dmoney28]

first of all grats on your NC progress. I know its hard not thinking about your ex from time to time. Also, my support to your friend as well....these types of situations can bring havoc to ones emotional and physical well being. I read dns's post as well. Im accepting that my actions...brought about the breakup, not me. And i'm accepting the fact that there is a one and a million chance that she will come back, and i have no control over that. I only say that because she insists on the contact....not me really. lol i rather have NC. But for some reason she wants to talk and communicate. So as of now....2 days NC i feel ok. Not as bad as the other days between NC. I guess because i have more power in the situation. She agreed to me contacting her when i was ready. So now i dont feel like i'm on a string. It feels empowering. That im not dreading starting over when she calls.

 

I read alot now...alot (im laid off). Im reading a book regarding ex's and failed relationships. It mentions the art of take away....almost the same as what NC is. Letting the other person know, "i will not be kept or cotrolled by your need for contacting me...so whatever the reason you hold on to me( in my case, her keeping me around to talk, etc), i will take away. Like juego said, it makes the person realize you wont be around forever, and allows you to move on and have control of YOUR thoughts and well being.

to allow time to heal

 

So NC until i feel ready to talk as friends...and already i feel better and prepared to fully let go. Of course the emotion love, can be there, but in the form of caring for the person. If she comes back ...she comes back....if not, i'll be so far into recovery, that it wont bother me nearly as much now(yes hearing her talk about her guy friends takes on a whole new feeling now, <cringe>, lol).

[IcemanJB]

first of all grats on your NC progress. I know its hard not thinking about your ex from time to time. Also, my support to your friend as well....these types of situations can bring havoc to ones emotional and physical well being. I read dns's post as well. Im accepting that my actions...brought about the breakup, not me. And i'm accepting the fact that there is a one and a million chance that she will come back, and i have no control over that. I only say that because she insists on the contact....not me really. lol i rather have NC. But for some reason she wants to talk and communicate. So as of now....2 days NC i feel ok. Not as bad as the other days between NC. I guess because i have more power in the situation. She agreed to me contacting her when i was ready. So now i dont feel like i'm on a string. It feels empowering. That im not dreading starting over when she calls.

 

I read alot now...alot (im laid off). Im reading a book regarding ex's and failed relationships. It mentions the art of take away....almost the same as what NC is. Letting the other person know, "i will not be kept or cotrolled by your need for contacting me...so whatever the reason you hold on to me( in my case, her keeping me around to talk, etc), i will take away. Like juego said, it makes the person realize you wont be around forever, and allows you to move on and have control of YOUR thoughts and well being.

to allow time to heal

 

So NC until i feel ready to talk as friends...and already i feel better and prepared to fully let go. Of course the emotion love, can be there, but in the form of caring for the person. If she comes back ...she comes back....if not, i'll be so far into recovery, that it wont bother me nearly as much now(yes hearing her talk about her guy friends takes on a whole new feeling now, <cringe>, lol).

 

That first part I have bolded, is almost word for word how I feel in my situation. She said the same thing to me as yours did. I still don't plan on contacting her til I'm past the point of caring about her being with other guys...which is the 2nd bolded part, lol. Glad to hear you're doing better!

[missdependant]

Hey guys..

 

I live with him so it's hard! And we share all of the same friends.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure, but I've been distancing myself from him as much as possible which has helped. I've been talking to friends and so has he; neutral friends seem to be what are helping me change my outlook on him, as well as finding it in myself to give him the chance.

 

I have been able to not worry about trust since we've not been in a relationship. I can look at things from the outside. During this time, he's been able to still tell me that he loves me and is sorry. Coming to the realization that he REALLY is sorry is something I had to do on my own. He couldn't pressure that onto me.

 

He has done a lot. He left the house a few nights ago, so I could have some gal pals come over.. we polished off a couple bottles of Jager. When he walked up we were man-bashing which he could hear from outside. Even after hearing all of it, he took care of me while I was unethically sick from all of the drinking. We spent Thanksgiving together.. he does not have family to spend it with, so the two of us decided to do something together with a couple of friends.. and it was great. He went to church with me last week, and we also had a deep conversation about sex.. something I've never done with ANYONE, not even someone I dated for three years. We also talked about a lot of other things openly with each other; things that brought us both to tears.

 

It helped. I've never been that intimate with someone.

 

Learning that I want to be with him is something I am doing mostly on my own. I have friends with their opinions of course, but it's something that I truly needed to look into myself for. Finding the ability to forgive is something that is in my power, and my power only. Same with your girl.

 

I'm sure she is trying to find it. You should try and give her time, whether she wants it or not. I had to look into this myself to also realize that he made these mistakes at the beginning of our relationship. I can't really blame him for not knowing what he wanted.. he'd never even been in a serious relationship before. These are things that I have to come to terms with. Unlike him, I'd been in two serious relationships before him, and knew exactly what I wanted.

 

I haven't found anything wrong that he's done since back in April which was when we were pretty new into it all. I am willing to give it a shot, knowing this.

 

Like I said, this is something that I need to be able to deal with in myself. In keeping a moderate amount of distance from him, I've been able to learn that his intentions don't need to be questioned. He hasn't done anything wrong in a long time. I feel stupid for saying so, but it's been a very long time and I don't know that it's worth sacrificing everything I have going for me for an incident that happened at the beginning of our relationship. As hurtful as it is, I still love him very much.

 

We've talked about a future together.. something I never even thought about with my last two serious relationships. I now know exactly what I want. It's my job to GET it.

 

Perhaps you can bring up these points with your girl if you're still not following the NC rule to a T? I know we are both different, but sound similar in emotions..

[Dmoney28]

Hy missdependent

it sounds your handling things better, glad to hear. And your boyfriend sounds likes he trying hard to show he is sorry and loves you. I now with my ex she would get angry out of nowhere...but its happening less. One time we had a 15 minute conversation, and she almost forgot the inncedent,lol. But she is a very pridefull and sensitive woman, so its going to be long while before she makes up her mind on what she wants. So im accepting she wont reconsile. 3 day NC, and i feel good....told her i call her in a week to see how she is.

 

yeah, we had "that" conversation. The conversation after a break up where both parties are in tears. We talked about everything that went wrong in the last year on both parts. Her friends tell her things...but she always talks to me about everything, including thier conversations. we havent physically hung out since early oct...and i last saw her 3 weeks ago. It sucks, because she still mad....but each time we see each other it gets less weird, lol i guess. And she did agree to sit down and talk etc..sometime.

 

If you get a chance to read my post several post up...and give me a womans view on her words...i appretiate, if no..cool, its rather confusing anyway.....good luck missdeppendnet...and iceman

[missdependant]

I went through this before. I'm going to use my last serious relationship of 3 years as a comparison for every quote you used... I was in an open relationship with him during the last year; a big mistake that I won't get into right this second.. this was a situation that I DID use the NC technique with and it did get me past it, and gave me the ability to move on.

 

 

 

1. "i feel like we can work through this breakup better together...if we didnt talk since the breakup 3 months ago we would have been worse. We can relate better since were both in this".

 

She's obviously dependant upon you. It will take the both of you to realize that you can't continue on with the mind games. She is playing them with you now.. she may not want to, but it's still effecting you negatively. She might not fully comprehend that. You might need to tell her that either there is a chance at reconciliation to where the both of you are romantic with each other again, or else you guys CANNOT talk anymore until you can picture her without the emotional, romantic connection you have now. Utlimatums are really crappy to put on people, but this should be black and white for the both of you by now. If it's not, you should take a serious break.. the way I did it, was telling my ex that I needed a month of NOT talking at all; if anything for his own sake.

 

We went a month without talking, and he tried calling me. I didn't answer. I still had no desire to talk to him. I talked to him again and we went to a concert together. He wanted it to be a romantic time, and I didn't. So again, the no contact thing. Valentines day he went crazy because I was no longer in his life. At this time I was trying to move on. He played the game with me for so long that now I was just a hollowed out confused shell of a person. So I changed my number, my myspace, my e-mail; everything so that I could give him the chance to move on.

 

During this time, I started casually seeing people. Nothing serious at ALL; not even sex. It helped.

 

I was going out with the intention of having fun. I wasn't looking for a lay and I certainly wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn't looking for a kiss at the end of the night, I wasn't looking for ANYTHING except for new friendships among MALE companions. These are what seem to help you make progress. I did end up falling for someone who I was seeing at that time. We weren't serious. We didn't even call ourselves a couple until about two months of dating; and held off on sex for a long time.

 

This was about 8 months after my 3 year and I had broken up. It's hard to imagine the one you love with another person.. so avoid that thought, and think to yourself that YOU will be able to move on someday. With time, it won't make a difference. You'll both be at better points in your life.

 

 

2. "I'm worried about you, i want to know you or ok. I dont want you to hurt yourself or anything. I just want to know if you are safe."

 

She is.. and part of breaking up is getting past this. She will worry about it with NC.. but the worry will also subside. I think more than anything, this is saying she's worried and wants to make sure that you haven't moved onto something else...

 

3.Im not a hateful person. i feel like if we still talk, it will keep me from being Angry( uh...what does that mean. You're not a hateful person, but by keeping in contact with the person (me) who caused the pain, it will keep you from becoming angry.....ok?)

 

 

Again; dependancy. She relied on you for so long to make you happy. She may not have experienced much happiness in her life before you.. and now she's longing for those times when she was comfortable and content. It is now clear that she is having trouble making herself happy. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "no one can make you happy but you". This is something she needs to learn. The easiest way would be through NC when you are both able to spend time SOLELY with yourself. You learn about yourself this way.. what it is you REALLY enjoy without influence or another opinion held over your head.

 

 

4. part 1. "I dont know why, its kinda sick after your lies and cheating, i want to talk to you. (Then the crying) You were my best friend...and you still feel like my bestfriend. I never had a connection with anyone like you, were we both close friends as well as lovers. We spent so many speacial moments over the years, i dont want you out of my life".

 

It's so hard to let go. If the two of you aren't ready to let go, you shouldn't. But if you are both just wasting time waiting for the other, it is time to move on, Dmoney. If the conversations are rarely related to the relationship or breakup, she is probably avoiding the topic because of awkwardness. It's hard to learn to be friends after spending so much time romantically involved with each other. But it is time for a decision to be made on both of your parts.

 

1. Dmoney, what do you want, and what SPECIFICALLY does your girl want? Does she want you to be her friend, her lover or someone to fall back on? Do you want her to be your friend or your lover?

 

2. Are either of you ready and willing to let go? Relationships aren't some sort of bed of roses. They're WORK. They don't go as planned for twenty years. People who are together for twenty years are that way because they worked as a team to overcome things like this.

 

3. What terms would NC be under? Could you agree to no contact for at least a month? After a month maybe you could contact her, or vice versa; whoever feels the urge first.

 

If she wants to work with you together on this, you will have to work together at the NC strategy as well. It won't work if neither of you can get past the NC part of it which is the hardest. She should be able to respect this, and if not, you need to let her know what it's doing to your state of mind..

 

does she know that you're seeing a psychologist? If it's this serious, she should be able to respect you enough to say, "okay, I've done damage to him as well. maybe I should give it up and allow him the space necessary for him to move on.."

[Dmoney28]

thank you so much for the female translation. Yes this is a first for us...a LTR breakup. as you said, she dosent know what she wants. Honestly i shattered her trust....she was 110% into me, so dependency is very likely. Her family is told her to never speak to me again...they dont hate me, but felt she was waisting her time with me. Her friends think im some sexual deviant...which really hurts after all my councelling and psychologist meetings, which she is full aware of...even my devotion to becoming a christian.

 

As far as what she wants, i think she dosent even know. She says we cant be together, she will never be able to trust me the same...ok, i say, well i got to move on and heal...then she gets mad, because im not working through this break up with her. I would work with her til the cow comes home...IF we are working at friendship or recincilation, but seems like she dosent want to...or still unsure.

 

As far as what i want......

1.give her some time to heal. This type of thing is not a light matter

2. maybe start over again SLOW!!, after the anger and pain subsides....talk reguraly a 1 month....hang out maybe once a week....then possibly a first official date to see if there is something still there....maybe around spring, i mentioned meeting in march after NC. our aniverary..she say's "why, we'll see each other before then"....um ok

3. Move the hell on, if there is 0% chance at anything

 

The thing is she is hurt by my actions, and her defenses are up. not only that she has alot of pride. she is worried what her family and friends will think. Here the wierd part.....

-i ask her will she ever be able to forgive me, she say "not right now, im still mad at you, im sure at some time in the future"( yes the power of forgivness is in her hands)....

-i ask her are we at least working on being friends..she says "i dont know, i guess at some point".....

-i ask her how long are we going to cotinue talking like this....after she starts crying she says "why are you forcing me to make descions right now, why are you forcing me to make this situation right, cant we just see where it goes"....ok i say ....this is 3 months to day after the break up

 

I told her 3 weeks ago , whatever she needed, just let me know. And the other day she said "as of right now, i need to just talk with you...just get through this" now im going to look like a liar, by going NC.LOL, but at this point i have to look out for my well being.

 

so basically, im going NC all the way, she dosent know what she wants or where she wants this to go...her last 3 relationships were bad, the guys either, used her and had girlfriends on the side. She even said she feels like "damanged goods"

 

i think i have to leave her alone ...let her gather her emotions and thoughts...i might call her in a month to see how she is. Thanks missdependent and iceman, and trust......the verdict is...NC...NC..No Contact...If she wants to persue something, she'll let me know crystal clear.

[IcemanJB]

Nice work you two. I wasn't with my ex nearly as long as you two were with yours, so I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you two. NC really is golden.

 

As for me, I no longer have a strong desire to contact my ex anymore; because I'm seeing huge progress in my healing. I've got my sense of humor back, I'm taking friendly jabs at my friends, classmates and co-workers which is what I do! I'm starting to focus a lot more on my final projects and exams in the next two weeks; my last difficult semester of my college career.

 

She's probably out partying right now, and I'm not as concerned as I was a few weeks ago. I'm starting to see she needs to be young and free and make mistakes (she's 19, I'm 22). I was thinking back today to about a year ago when I met her. A few months into our friendship, she was asked by my sister if she had feelings for me (I didn't have her do this...must have been obvious lol). She said yes, but she didn't want to be tied down and just wanted to "be young and make mistakes". I backed off, but then a couple months later she was at my apartment almost every day and the rest is history...I should have taken her statement last Spring as a clue.

 

She's had 2 boyfriends, 1.5 years and the other 7 months long. She mentioned probably 10 times during our relationship that she's never been treated this well, never felt this happy and content, and never had deep conversations like we had (also I'm the best kisser she's encountered ). I realized all these things are probably what scared her; I'm obviously moving forward with my life. She is one of two or three people that know I'm going to the Air Force recruiter in January - 5 months before I will get my bachelor's degree. (well now LS knows too ). Being a fighter pilot has been my lifelong dream. I'm getting LASIK done on Jan 7th since the Air Force now accepts pilot candidates with that surgery. The standards are ridiculously high and it's an extremely demanding job, but who would I be to not at least try? She knows this and even mentioned it a few times through tears while breaking up with me...

 

NC has helped me see the big picture. It still hurts really bad, but I know what I need to do. I will learn a lot about myself and what my future holds over the next year. Hang in there, let me be proof that the road to recovery is long, but each step is easier.

[Dmoney28]

hey iceman, im glad you are doing well with NC. It does feel good to have your emotions under control and your mind right. 19 and 22 huh. Yeah you guys are young and have plenty of time to get tied down (im 28). Honestly at 19 she needs to get that partying out of her. Clubbing and house parties is problly what she's into as of now. Which is cool at 19. Good luck in the air force, you'll be dropping bomb over baghdad in no time, lol J/K. But seriouslly i hope the best for you in that. I cant imagine flying a bi-plane let alone a fighter jet. I should have guessed by your name you were assoiciated with fighter jets ( i was thinking Iceman from the X-MEN...yes im a nerd). Good luck

[missdependant]

 

She's had 2 boyfriends, 1.5 years and the other 7 months long. She mentioned probably 10 times during our relationship that she's never been treated this well, never felt this happy and content, and never had deep conversations like we had (also I'm the best kisser she's encountered )..

 

Maybe she, like Dmoney's ex, also does not know how to be happy with herself. I've been in the position before of just wanting to be single. Relationships are stressful, and don't take this the wrong way, but I don't feel like I've ever TRULY known myself until I've spent a lot of time alone with myself.

 

It seems like many women, including myself struggle with this. There is usually a lot more to what people want than their current situation. Our pasts have a direct effect on who we become, what we want out of life, our passions goals and relationships/friendships. We try not to focus on them, because they can be heartbreaking, sorrowful or just not worthwhile. But these things still effect us, and during relationships, I think it's hard to focus on these things and find key points in ourselves.

 

Anyway, after I spent enough time single and by myself, I realized that my last relationship was holding me back in ways. My ex was controlling.. I'm not saying either of you are, but I was afraid to try new things when I was with him. We also had to compromise about many things (as all relationships go). Once we split up, I did some of the things I missed doing. I spent some time partying, watching some girlie movies, getting back in touch with friends and making new friends..

 

Now, I feel like I've finally found the one.. we're slowly working our way back to trust. I feel like I'm ready to trust him again and finally forgive him for what happened. The last week has been great, and I am happy I am seeing our situation clearly. I sort of backed off and looked at it through a 3rd person's perspective and it got easier.

 

Dmoney: Just make sure she understands that one day, you will talk again. Let her know it's not permanent and you will still be there for her, but it won't be the same just as it hasn't since the day you broke up. It's heartbreaking for both of you; not just you and not just her.

 

You can talk eventually. Let her know it will be painful and you won't be looking for other people as your heart is still with her.. but eventually you need to get to that point if things aren't going to work with her (I think a part of human nature is finding mutual love). Make it apparent that you won't be moving onto other relationships for a LONG time while you're getting your head on straight. Let her know that you're not going to be talking, because she needs to gather her thoughts on her own just like you do. She needs to be given time to think for herself, and with you there you will make it difficult. The time you give her can either be used to sit around and mope all day, or it can be used to both of your advantages. You can finally think without influence and worry about what the other has to say about it.

 

Looking at things from a distance can make things seem a lot more clear. So just step back a bit. Spend time remembering the good times and sort of weighing them on a scale with the hard times. She should do the same.. and a month or so down the road you can evaluate things. Think about it on your own.. whether you've made progress or stepped back without her. If you feel like you still need her, talk to her and see what she has thought about. If you both realize that this was a mistake, hopefully you can start new.. If you both realize that you're getting used to being without each other, and it's something you can live with.. continue with NC and talk again a month later.

 

Be friends when you both no longer have loving feelings for each other. If those emotions get in the way, you'll get nowhere.

 

It will be hard for you both, and I hope the best for both of you.

[IcemanJB]

Maybe she, like Dmoney's ex, also does not know how to be happy with herself. I've been in the position before of just wanting to be single. Relationships are stressful, and don't take this the wrong way, but I don't feel like I've ever TRULY known myself until I've spent a lot of time alone with myself.

 

...

 

Be friends when you both no longer have loving feelings for each other. If those emotions get in the way, you'll get nowhere.

 

It will be hard for you both, and I hope the best for both of you.

 

 

She actually said something to that effect a week after we broke up...but she was crying and an absolute mess so I didn't think too much of it. I think she said "I've never put myself first in my entire life...I'm so happy when I'm with you, but I feel horrible partying like I do because i worry so much of what you think." I told her it's not my job to make sure she's happy; she agreed. I guess I haven't really thought about it like this...she really does have things to take care of; she needs to be young and screw up, God knows I did when I was 19. Wow, that really helps to get a female's perspective on it, thanks missdependent!

 

I truly do want to be friends with her eventually. I've never had such a connection with ANYONE before. It's such a weird thing...she grew up a few blocks from downtown Chicago (~3 million people), and I grew up in a tiny Wisconsin town of about 4,000 people. Her dad moved here from Mexico when he was 7...my family has been in the state since probably the 1800s. Our weird sense of humors are the same; our minds are geared almost the same that it's scary. Our backgrounds are so incredibly different that it's like: who would have thought?

 

I've made a vow to not contact her until I have no romantic feelings left for her. She said she can't be my friend right now either, so hopefully she wants friendship in a couple months. I have to face the fact that she will not be out of my life for awhile since she is LIVING with my sister starting this summer. My sister and I are like best friends, so there's no avoiding the ex in the near future...

 

Anyways, Dmoney: Iceman was a pilot in the movie Top Gun (Maverick's counterpart I guess). People have said I sort of look like him...haha.

 

I'll be think and praying for both you two!

[Dmoney28]

thanks for the advice. I told her i am not interested in another relationship last time we spoke. Honestly, like you said, time away will allow us to evaluate everything more clearly. My psych helped me alot with Honesty and monogamy issues. After 3 months, laid off, sober as a saint, new found religeon and after cutting off alot of bad friends...i learned so much about myself. I offered to pay for her to see a counsellor...but she refused . Unfortunatly she has abondemnet issues with her father, 3 previous screwed up relationships, and my F up...she defintly needs time to herself. She asked in the begining to never leave her....and for my cheating, it will forever haunt me. Thanks again for your advice...i will be following it. Good luck to you and your man, hope you guys grow stronger from, this ordeal. Trials and tribulations are what make relationships strong.

[IcemanJB]

Any updates you two? Dmoney, I know you mentioned she called you today...how'd that go?

[Dmoney28]

yeah, she txt'd me the friday

her "you ok, havent heard from you"...

me "im good, hope you're doing well"

her " im LA were watching the USC game, thanks for the txt"

 

Then she called today...end up talking for a hours, me mostly listening. For some reason she mentioning the USC

[Dmoney28]

oops hit the wrong key...yeah she kept mentioning the USC game she went to. felt like she was trying to bait me into asking who she went with. she said she went to watch the oscar de lahoya fight at a friends house several times. Just told her i'm glad she was having a good time, i know it was bugging her i didnt ask. Honestly i didnt bug me. No time for mind games. Back to NC..yay

[IcemanJB]

So I was walking home from my final class period of the semester today. I decided to go a way I don't usually go, to go by my sister's house and ask her something. Guess who is out running and goes by me on the sidewalk? I'm not sure if she noticed it was me, as I had all my winter gear + backpack on (a balmy 10*F here...). But I knew it was her.

 

Seriously, what are the chances? There are 220,000 people in this town. Then my sister asked if I saw her running since I never usually walk that way...

 

DAMN IT. I was doing SO MUCH better. I don't know why seeing her hurts still. It's pathetic! lol, so does this set my NC back to 0? What are the rules to this sort of freak encounter?

[Dmoney28]

well, i guess its not really NC...because no words were echanged. More like a indirect NC, maybe. Hmmm...this is a first, never heard of someone breaking contacting by no means of there own. Oh well iceman, it wasnt your fault. I know is might have stung a little. But hopefully, you should be ok in a couple days. If it means anything...you can join my 0 NC day club, lol. Recieved 3 txt's from 11:00pm - 2:00am...lol. Dear god i'm starting to get really numb from this up and down from her.

[IcemanJB]

FYI I was parking my jeep on my way to class and saw her AGAIN walking on the foot path behind the building I was going to. This was a day after the other encounter...this time we made eye contact - she definitely knew it was me. Dmoney, I'm not counting this as breaking NC since it wasn't on purpose...

 

It sucks still. But now I'm just getting frustrated with myself. I WANT to be over her. I've started to realize that maybe she isn't a good person for me, but I still have urges to be with her. A LOT. There's no denying our chemistry and connection, but we're at very different points in our lives. She also has some personal issues that were probably created during childhood, and our relationship finally brought them to the surface; as evidenced by the nature of our breakup. It still doesn't change the fact that I am sick of always thinking about her.

 

This is the first time I've said the following because I wanted to be 100% sure before I did, but: She was my first love. I obviously really LIKED other girls I've dated (whom I dated much longer), but not anything remotely close to this. Talk about a totally different league.

 

Here's what I would ideally love to have happen: Just accept the fact that I did the right thing during/after the breakup - as far as letting her go right away, and forcing NC. Logically I KNOW I did the right thing, but my heart is giving me all sorts of fits about it. I want to accept the fact that she'll probably start seeing other guys soon (hell it's been several months since we broke up). I want to NOT CARE about that. Deep down I want to be friends with her, but I need to accept that that probably will never happen. We've both stated that it would be very hard for us to be friends. I need to accept the fact that we respect and care for each other a lot, but personal issues come first. I'm so thankful she respects me enough to not contact me when I told her to stop.

 

My plan was to be over her by the end of the semester, at which point I threw around the idea of sending her a "merry christmas" text or something. I'm now leaning towards not doing that at all. I'm just not ready. I KNOW it would completely make her day, I know exactly the reaction she would have. She would put her hand over her heart and sort of turn to the side as she read it. She's said every time I've come near her, her heart races. I saw her do the hand/heart thing when she first spotted me at the bar a few weeks ago. It would not be good for either of us though; I want her to figure out her issues so she can move ahead with her life.

 

But most of all I just want to put this behind me and move on, but it so damn difficult. ugh...

 

I would just like to say that NC has put me in such better shape than I would have been otherwise. Maybe I just need to be more patient...lol

[Dmoney28]

first congrats on your NC of 25 days. man im so jealous of you. But the feelings you have will eventually ease as more time goes by. At least thats what i have been told . Who knows what might happen down the line. You guys could end up back together. I had 1 day NC so far. But i vow...this starts NC. I will not asnwer her calls or respond to txt and e-mails. Im tired of these emotions. My goal is 1 month NC...wish me luck.

[IcemanJB]

Hey good luck man! I mean it. Don't look at it as "a month of NC". Take it one day at a time; yes I realize that's extremely cliche, but that's what I'm best at. I think.

 

Was that you that coined "phantom tears"? They definitely get less frequent the longer you're in NC. But last week I stupidly went to the place we first met; since it had been exactly a year. BAD IDEA. lol, I don't know what I was thinking...yeah don't do stuff like that.