Dmoney28 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 lol, your not rabbling at all. It seems like you are sticking to your plan. I know its hard....man is it hard. It almost feels like..."if were not meant to be....why does this suck so bad". Of course there are other great people out there....but this person is unique. I had a couple of dreams about my ex also. It still hurts, but i know there has to be more time to heal. I'm trying to go on and accept were never getting back together. Even though we have LC. 1 month after the break up she tolde me "i need to be able to trust you right now, and be friends" .Our anniversary is in march. So i'll ask her out to our favorite resturaunt for diner, the. The same restuaraunt we had our first date. If she says yes...awesome. if no, i know its time to move..... 7 months after the break up. But hang in there bro, i wish i had your stregnth when it came to this. good luck
missdependant Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Sorry for the late response, and I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving. I don't see why you shouldn't contact her, if she's contacting you daily. If she is upset that you contact her, let her know that her contacting you confuses you. On a side note, it would be hypocritical of her to get upset at you for trying to talk to her when she does the same thing on a daily basis. Make sure you're ready for friendship if that's ALL she is interested in. Honesty is required in both friendship and relationships. Keep that in mind. And also, don't forget that if you two are in contact with each other and want different things (i.e. she wants friendship and you want a relationship), it could be DEVASTATING to any future corespondance the two of you have with each other. Just make sure you both know what is going on. If you guys need to take some time with NO contact, allow both of you closure and understanding on both sides. Closure takes TIME and is what will allow her to rebuild her trust issues. The trust issue will not just effect her relationship with you; it's effected her entire life.. Say goodbye to everything that was your past together.. the good and bad times. Keep them in your memories but out of your conversations and emotions. Hopefully, the two of you will be able to develop a future friendship or relationship that is BRAND NEW with none of the past drama.
Dmoney28 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I had a happy turkey day, thanks for asking. And you?. well, i called her after 4 days NC. And she said, she was happy i called. After 3 1/2 years, its still for her and i not use pet names, etc. But honestly i think its time to give us both NC for a while. I know she's hurt, but it feels like she's trying to make me suffer. She knows how i feel about her, i apologized in every form of media i know (paper, eletronic, music...etc). But it honeslty she has my heart on a string, and she knows it. She keeps asking me am i angry about the break up....first week , yeah...but not anymore. It feels like she wants me to go through this pain, and she has no wanting for reconciliation. We have been in contact for almost the entire break-up...mostly intitated by her but one 1 month later(oct 1), when she was out with her friends(whom really dont like me when they found out) she was like "were not together anymore, we shouldndt have contact". OUCH, ok, i told myself....this it. 6 days later she txt's me...and from then on til now, almost daily contact . 2 weeks ago i asked ..."is it a good idea for us to keep talking? she replies "no, no...i still care about you"....and she cried when i said we enventually have to move on......now it seems like she dosent want anything to do with me. I understand what i did is horrible. But i cant keep going on like this, if there is no chance of reconciliation...or even friendship for that matter. She rarely calls now, and when she does, i feel like crap several days later, becuase i miss her. Im thinking i should take the advice of the other posters, and just telling her this........ "i love you, i know i hurt you...i always will love you, but i think this on again off again contact is really hurting us...espically me since i still love you. i cant heal, if i talk to you one day, and not knowing whens the next time i'll here from you. You said we could never be together, and i understand why. But i have to go off and heal, for my own health. Its really hard not having you in my life...and ever harder knowing we cant spend the rest of our lives together. So maybe in a few months around our aniversary, we can sit down and talk" is this good?..........i want to work with her through this healing process, but it seems like she's fine to me. Seems like she has moved on , and can give a rats ass about me ( which i understand after i cheated) I love her more than anything now, and im finally accepptenting she's gone. But i cant continue this pain...if she's totally done with me. Maybe its time to just leave her be and and heal my self, by myself.
Author IcemanJB Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 You gotta go with NC man. I'm going through the same thing. It's been almost a week and each day seems to be better than the last. I'm very lucky in that I know she respects me a lot and will not contact me because I told her not to. Hopefully you're in the same situation!
Dmoney28 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 thanks for the reply iceman. Its hard. day 3 of NC...and it feels like week 2 again, lol. But i have to put my foot down on this. I did everything a man can possibly do to show remorse, repentace and retribution ( reading the 5 languages of apology ...by garry chaplan..great book). So its out of my hands. I have to heal. and your right, day 3 is better than day 1. This might sound wierd....but i if this continues, it will hurt 100% more when i get that call "yeaahh...we cant talk or be friends anymore because i found a guy i want to be serious with, so thanks for all you "efforts" at try to show me you're sorry over the past months...but no thanks, dont really care anymore...and thanks for getting me through this rough patch...bye bye".....yeah, thats going to sting like a mutha. But she deserves to be happy....and its time for me to exit stage right....like ASAP
Author IcemanJB Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 That's the right attitude! Also never underestimate the power of friends. You never know how they'll be able to help. For example, I was just climbing into bed last night (kind of in a crappy mood since thinking about my ex) and my good friend calls me up to go out for a beer with him and his girlfriend. I thought "why not, just a beer." I ended up staying with them for like 2.5 hours while having a few, and talked to his gf for about an hour about my breakup/moving on. Mind you this is only the 3rd time the 3 of us have hung out together, but that helped SO MUCH to get her perspective. Basically she helped me see that my ex is being ridiculous by her confusing actions and I truly deserve so much better. She totally agreed with my move to tell my ex not to contact me anymore. You just never know who will help you out. Gotta get out there!
Dmoney28 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 yeah, i need a NC buddy, this is really hard. 3 months later, and i still feel like this . Lets all be NC buddy's, lol
Author IcemanJB Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 I'm in! I deactivated my facebook today for the sole purpose of avoiding seeing any update from my ex. Also I've been thinking about doing this for awhile anyway...I guess this just put me over the edge! I'm a week into NC. How far in are you guys?
Author IcemanJB Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Well I have another weird question. At this point I'm scared that because of how horribly I was hurt through all this, and it will affect my future relationships. Obviously I want to avoid that at all costs. This is my first really really painful breakup, so it's all uncharted territory. As of right now I'm a shell of the confident, happy, funny guy I was a year ago. It SUCKS. She is definitely on the way to moving on, much further along than I am. I realize it's not a race considering I was the dumpee, but I want my old self back. Are there any specific things you guys have done to make sure future relationships aren't harmed by the horrible pain of a breakup?
EmperorR Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Well I have another weird question. At this point I'm scared that because of how horribly I was hurt through all this, and it will affect my future relationships. Obviously I want to avoid that at all costs. This is my first really really painful breakup, so it's all uncharted territory. As of right now I'm a shell of the confident, happy, funny guy I was a year ago. It SUCKS. She is definitely on the way to moving on, much further along than I am. I realize it's not a race considering I was the dumpee, but I want my old self back. Are there any specific things you guys have done to make sure future relationships aren't harmed by the horrible pain of a breakup? I feel teh same way, I was cheated on and I don't know why, I did everything for my ex, and that is the thing that sucks
missdependant Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 With closure. But even then, it will still effect future relationships and even friendships; I don't think there's any avoiding it. I think you have to make it known to your subconscious that it WASN'T IN YOUR CONTROL. There was nothing you could do about what happened. You can't change the past or control ANYTHING in it. You can't change or control people. People have and will continue to do whatever they feel like doing. Knowing this, you have to allow yourself to realize that in any future relationships that you might have, you will not be able to control the person you are with. Instead you are going to have to just give them the benefit of the doubt. I think the main concern for the time being is allowing yourself to heal and making time for YOU. Honestly, I wouldn't recommend going out and getting laid just to get laid either until you can get the person off your mind for more than ten minutes at a time.. but that's just me, and I might have a different way of coping. Don't jump into ANY relationships until you've fully recovered. Make sure you are prepared for the worst, and take your next relationship slower than the one before. Even if you took that one very slowly to begin with.
Author IcemanJB Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 It's such a weird concept. During the breakup she couldn't give me an answer as to why she was breaking up with me. All she did was cry and say she wanted to be with me, but needed to do this. A few weeks ago I told her I needed to talk to her and she came over right away. I told her it was completely unfair to me how she broke it off, and I needed to know. She said she didn't know why until about 2 weeks after we had split, and that she thought about coming over on her own to talk about it but she thought I was over it (yeah right). Basically she said she realized she hasn't been on her own since freshman year of HIGH SCHOOL, and didn't want to be in a rs this early in college. I'm not taking that statement as truth, but I guess it helps to hear it. Of course there was that encounter about a week ago at the bar that just showed me she still has feelings obviously and just doesn't know what she wants at all. Seriously, running out of the bar after me? Come on... That's why I started NC (well to heal as well). Today marks the longest time we've gone without contact with each other (8 days) since before we started dating. I'm starting to piece things back together; I've gotten back to my workout schedule I had over the summer. School ends in a couple weeks so I'll need to find something to take up the extra time... I truly want to be friends with her at some point. I hope that's what she wants eventually, but right now I can't do it.
missdependant Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 It's such a weird concept. During the breakup she couldn't give me an answer as to why she was breaking up with me.... I think as women, we are all naturally confused and indecisive. Deep down she did want to leave you otherwise she wouldn't have been saying she wanted to. She probably had a nagging voice in her mind telling her how stupid of a choice she made, which made her seem like she was playing with your emotions. The NC was a smart move on your part. It will give you time to heal and her time to gather her thoughts. I am losing at the NC game, as I very badly want to get back together with me ex.. He seems to be trying a lot harder. I see him every day. I am starting to think that he might not cheat on me again, and understand that I really am just being paranoid about a lot of things. Over the past couple of weeks he has put in a lot of effort. I'm very confused. We haven't talked about our relationship together unless I've brought it up. What i'd really like is to END everything from before and treat it as a separate relationship from the next one we start. Meaning we talk about it the same way we talk about our exes.. we DON'T. Oy ve.. men are such a headache.
Author IcemanJB Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 I really think she is happier right now, and who would I be to take that away from her. She always said she was super happy and content when she was with me, but felt awful when she wasn't (for a few reasons). Basically she constantly worried about what I thought of her since she's in the party scene and I'm not so much anymore. I'm starting to see that that is something she NEEDS to get fixed (the worrying). I'm not responsible for her happiness. I think her breaking up with me was the first step to finding her own way to happiness and not relying on others, so good for her. I'm not going to wait around for her though. I've decided that the only way I'll contact her again is if I'm 100% ok with the idea of her possibly seeing someone else (she isn't right now, but who knows down the road). As of now that would probably piss me off. Is there any way you can avoid seeing him every day? For me at least, actually seeing and talking to her set me wayyyy back...more so than the emails and texts. Do you want to go NC with him? Or the better question, SHOULD you go NC with him? The right thing to do is almost never the easy thing to do.
Dmoney28 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I enjoyed reading your latest post's guys. Its helping me cope with my current situation. I think in my case, its harder because i have made so many drastic changes in my life (all positive). I really dont have too many friends, because the close ones i had since childhood, are a bunch of dope smoking alcoholics and liars. Dont need those kind of people in my life. I was laid off 4 months ago, and trying to get a job in the economy is really hard. So its a pretty bad time...on top of my ex not being in my life as before. But this is day 5 of official NC. the longest has been 7 days, after she broke her NC rule. Honestly, it has gotten better day by day. I actually got up before 10:00am and did come work around the house. I actually made a real breakfast, and was able to eat the whole thing, lol. I plan on reviewing some Unix and microsoft administration books and labs to help with increasing my IT skills. But it still hurts(last night really hurt bad for some reason). And im sure she is hurting as well. I'm, kinda hoping she dosent contact me for a while. I just cant be friends with a person i shared 3 1/2 years with and have romantic feelings for. If she wanted to be friends first...then see if it could lead to reconciliation...i would like that. But friendship strictly right now is too rough. I know these type of things cant be rushed. The amount of hurt is hard to recover from, which explains her hot and cold behaviour i guess. Its like she dosent want to let me go. At this point , i have done all i can do over the past 2 months to show my remorse and sorrow. So now its in fates hands....let time do its thing. But i have to keep NC, and get stronger and better day by day. And let her make her final choice...cuz i cant halt my healing til she makes her mind up. Iceman how long have you guys been together? .....i might have missed that post Missdependent, how is your boyfriend showing you he's changing? honestly for me, it took like 3 months throughout this whole ordeal to see some real changes in myself. And alot of that was because of her abscence. Its like the more i did the changes for her...and she kept me a at bay...the more i tried harder to make those changes. Then one day i noticed that my behavioural, mental and emotional changes made themselves manifest when i had no contact with her, like hanging out with familiy or in public. Then i started to make these changes for myself. ....Hope that made sense, lol
Author IcemanJB Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Dmoney, I never really posted how long she and I were together. As of this month we've known each other for a year. We started off talking very frequently and occassionally hanging out/going to movies, but nothing physical. We started getting closer when spring rolled around last year, but she backed off since she was going to live in Chicago for the summer with her parents (she never said that as a reason, I just assumed). I backed off as well, then she came back to town for good and things progressed very rapidly...we weren't "official" until later in the summer. I've been with girls for way longer than her before and not had this hard of a time getting over them. This is by far the most painful one, I think mainly because of how abrubtly it ended (the day before she broke it off things felt stable), and the connection I have with her. I consider myself kind of dorky and weird, but she's like that in the same way. I can only imagine how 3.5 years with a girl can affect your life...I can see myself getting stronger through this, and it looks like you're seeing the same things in your situation. You're an IT nerd as well? I finish my computer science degree in May.
Dmoney28 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Man, i was doing so today, i got alot of stuff done today. I was feeling better with NC, til 5 min ago she called. I guess i should call her back and have that dreaded "i need some time to get over my feelings for you, because i stil love you". But i have been doing good, now im going to feel like crap again. I dont want to be a @$$ and just cut off all contact without saying good bye. I guess i have to man up...and just do it.
Author IcemanJB Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Maybe send her a text or email instead? Tell her you need to cut contact for your own good. Tell her you're not mad, but need to do this for yourself. Let us know how it goes.
CaliGuy Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Man, i was doing so today, i got alot of stuff done today. I was feeling better with NC, til 5 min ago she called. I guess i should call her back and have that dreaded "i need some time to get over my feelings for you, because i stil love you". But i have been doing good, now im going to feel like crap again. I dont want to be a @$$ and just cut off all contact without saying good bye. I guess i have to man up...and just do it. Just ignore her. They get the message eventually. If you don't want to be rude to her then just say nothing.
Dmoney28 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 ok...called her back. Had the longest conversation ever. Had a heart to heart. Basically she is scared to let go. She calls because she is afraid something will happen to me, she is afraid to let go of our past relationship. And the funny thing...i feel the same way. She wont trust me the same way because of what i did. But she tells me i am asking her to make things right by giving me a final answer on whats going to happen with us. Basically we cant let go of each other. So we agreed i'll talk to her when im ready. She is afraid of losing our speacial unique life together. The speacial way we met. Her trust is shattered. Its going to be awhile, before she trust anyone. Only time can help this. so thats it i guess. I hate feeling like this...its sucks. It really does. were both going through so much pain right now. She loved me wholeheartily.......too much she said. So somehow i have to get through this hurt, and get over these feelings. wish me luck...this going to be a long painful road ahead.
TrustMeLoveMe Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 DMoney, If you really do love her and want her to trust you, just keep trying your hardest bud! It sounds like you two do need to stick out the NC a little longer and then start over completely new. First you have to prove to her you want to make everything work. This is the hard part, the one that no one really knows how to do, but you have to show you are committed. Just do the little things you always have to show you love her, and even take it a few steps further. I want nothing more in life than to be in a healthy relationship with the girl I love, and I to have made her lose trust. I have been very faithful ever since because I love her, and really want to make things work. I understand building trust is a very long uphill battle, but in the end it will hopefully be worth it. I tell her how beautiful she is every chance I get, and the greatest reward ever is a glowing smile from the one you love. So keep trying, work your hardest, and in the end it will pay off.
Dmoney28 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Thanks for the kind words in ecouragement. I think the problem is that her last 3 relationships have ended in a similar way. She is really taking my actions hard because after all the BS she went through with those other guys. Yesterday she kept saying "you were suppose to be the one...the one i wanted to spend my life with". I admit, our relationship for the first 2 years was speacial. She said she loved me so much because i was her bestfriend and her lover....neither of us had that type of relationship, I was there for alot of those life time moments...college graduation, first condo, we had a little pregnancy scare, i spent time with her grandpa before he died...all these moments over the spand of 3.5 years. I might have came off a little to strong, but i needed to know exacly whats was going on with our current situation. She talked about her trust issues now, how she feels like she cant trust anyone fully anymore. How she didnt think how her next relationship is going to happen because of her failed 4 relationships that ended in hurt and betrayal. This woman has alot of pride, she dosent let her family see her emotionally hurt...or even talks to them about it....but she talks to me about everything. "you're the only one who understands. She dosent hate me, she said. She is still very angry with me. She says we cant be together after what she saw and found out about my cheating. Sh'e happy about all my positive changes in my life. But its like too late or something. I asked "are we working on any type of friendship at least. She replies, "i dont know, one day i will forgive you".....um ok.....But when i said i'll miss seeing our dog and playing with her...she says "well thats going to be up to you"....HUH?..i know she is hurt and confused...but what is that suppose to mean ? BTW, she got offended at first when i said it will be better if i contact you when i'm ready. So why are we even still talking several time a week? these are the replies she gives me...the later i she tearfully gave...... 1. "i feel like we can work through this breakup better togeether...if we didnt talk since the breakup 3 months ago we would have been worse. We can relate better since were both in this". (really dont understand that...3 months i would have been almost 75% healed without her contact...truthfully) 2. "I'm worried about you, i want to know you or ok. I dont want you to hurt yourself or anything. I just want to know if you are safe." (Tragic event yes...hurt or kill myself over this..no. My life is finally better because of the changes i made. I found religeon, see my psych twice a month, recconnected with family....she know all of this, why in the world would she think i'll hurt myself) 3.Im not a hateful person. i feel like if we still talk, it will keep me from being Angry( uh...what does that mean. You're not a hateful person, but by keeping in contact with the person (me) who caused the pain, it will keep you from becoming angry.....ok?) 4. part 1. "I dont know why, its kinda sick after your lies and cheating, i want to talk to you. (Then the crying) You were my best friend...and you still feel like my bestfriend. I never had a connection with anyone like you, were we both close friends as well as lovers. We spent so many speacial moments over the years, i dont want you out of life" I just dont understand. She has been hurt badly. But she dosent come out and say how she feels. Its like these codes and emotional locks on her real feelings. And i can see why kinda. I just dont understand why someone would want to hold on to a person(me) that caused her this pain...a person she says she cant ever be with or trust......why not be done with me, and move on. Yes its hurts at first...but inthe long run, NC is a better choice. PS i will be going NC til im ready. I love this women so much. But i need several months to kill this last shread of false hope...maybe we can approach this diffrently after some time and healing. Maybe from a friends standpoint...and see if anything comes from that...right now, its still a hot mess. Any comments, or replies to what is going through her head? i know missdependent might
Dmoney28 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 1 more thing. When we talk, the conversations 90% of the time arnt even about the issues of the break-up. Cant understand why she say "talking about the relationship makes its easier to go through.....when we hardly talk about it at all. We mostly talk about how each's others day is going, what are you doing, howa work....etc.etc.etc. im sorry guys for the long posts...this is my first LTR breakup...not going well as you see.
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