Do I Go All In?

[Chesleyfan]

Hey everyone,

 

Now, I know that after a while all of these posts seem like the same deal. And I've read the others that say getting back together is only a 1 out of 3 shot, and those that do only last 10% of the time... yada yada. But I suppose that I think (or hope!) my situation is that one in a million different one that can beat those odds. So let me explain...

 

I met this girl soon in January, and things started moving quickly. Within about four or five months she started talking marriage. I thought that was a little soon, but I loved her and after thinking about it began to realize that I could see marriage in our future. Then in June she bought a house of her own, and things went downhill. Everything was about the house, we stopped going out on the weekends, we lost a lot of out privacy (her best friend lives next door, and people were always stopping by to check out/work on the house). I was getting frustrated but tried to bottle it up, hoping that as soon as the house was fixed up things could back to normal. Before that happened we went on a trip up north with friends, and for most of the weekend we hardly talked to one another. We had a three hour car ride home, and barely talked.

 

After we got home, we DID talk. We were both concerned with how things were progressing (or, more accurately, degenerating). She was especially concerned with several things about my personal life, namely my lack of a religion. She asked several times if I would be baptised (I never have), and I could never seem to promise that I could do that. She admitted she wanted someone who would be more involved in religion, and she didn't want to lose hers because I was unwilling to accept it. Then we decided that was it. We did this over the phone, and both promised to actually get together and talk about it, but it always seems we never can get on the same page (she's a nurse, I'm a full time PhD student).

 

Three months pass, and I feel like I'm pretty much over all of that. She crossed my mind from time to time, but it never seemed to bother me. I went about my normal routine, had fun with my friends, even have gone on some dates. I felt things were good, and I had time to reflect upon the relationship. I realized that some of the religion stuff wasn't much of an issue, and that I was being stubborn about it simply because I didn't want to be "changed"; but that stuff wouldn't make me less of a man, but only add to it. So I took all of that away and figured better luck next time.

 

Then about a week ago I heard that she had a date to a friend's wedding this weekend, and they might share a room. That broke my heart, and I don't know why. Now this past week I've been hit with all of the same feelings that hit me when we first ended it, but even more intense. I called her (under the guise I that FINALLY was going to drop some of her stuff off at her house) and we agreed to meet; but she had to cancel last minute because she got called into work (I'm pretty sure that was the truth; she was on call a lot) but promised to reschedule. So I decided to drop the stuff off at her house with a short letter (which I think, in hindsight, was a bad idea) stating that I still did want to meet, among other things (nothing really about how I felt, thought). I haven't heard from her yet.

 

I've tried to rationalize this as many ways as I can: that I need more time, that I have managed so far without her, that I never really coped with the breakup initially, that it's not really her but my life as a whole that is changing (I'm soon to get my Master's Degree and kinda uncertain about that), but none of that has made me feel (that much) better.

 

I realize I still love her. I realize that I would still marry her in a second. I realize that a lot of the things that we disagreed upon was because I was too stubborn to change my own ways, and I feel that I am willing to do those things now. I have never loved someone like this, I have never considered anyone else marrying material. She's the only one.

 

So, my question is, do I go all in and admit how I feel to her, REALLY admit it? Or do I just chalk all of these thoughts up to the irrationality of my coping process and try to move on?

 

Any thoughts/comments/opinions/slap-myself-out-it-isms are appreciated.

[BCCA]

First, let me just say sorry, I know how you're feeling, and its not a lot of fun.

 

With that said, your story, unfortunately, sounds a lot like many others. I know that I've personally had girls point out things like my lack of religion (Im agnostic), but honestly, if it wasnt a problem for months before, what suddenly changed? Her feelings about you, thats what. When she was into you and wanted to be together, it wasnt a big deal, but now that shes starting to fall out of love, everything is going to be an issue. If it wasnt the religion, trust me, she would have found something else. Honestly, it sounds like she just wanted out. The lack of communication and unwilingness to even continue trying or discuss some sort of comprimise is pretty textbook.

 

I have a good feeling that if you go all in, you'll find yourself extremely dissapointed. Think of it this way, would you bet everything you own on a bet with a 3% chance of winning? Probably not right? So dont do it with your heart. Everyone knows at least one couple that got back together and made it work, but the sad truth is that the overwhelming majority just dont. I would stay away from her, dont contact her at all, and get on with your life. It doesnt sound to me like she has the same level of interest in making this work that you do, and youre only going to make yourself crazy.