A coping strategy

[spike 1705]

[sIZE=2]Hey folks, I am not trained in any relationship guidance, but I genuinely hope the following advice helps at least one other person out there. If you are patient enough to read this post I hope you find something in it to encourage you.

And it's written from a guy's perspective, but I am presuming some of the information will be helpful to ladies who are grieving for their ex as well.

Just as background, I am nearing six months since my ex ‘dropped the bomb’, thus ending the longest (5 years) and richest relationship I’ve had in my life.

The result was and has been a whole world of unbelievable pain and hurt in places deep down inside that I didn’t know existed…I guess if you’re on these forums you will know exactly what I’m talking about.

Just like you, I miss her desperately and would like to be with her right now.

I miss her still every day, but am now finally resigned to the fact that she no longer wished to be with me and if my feelings for her are true – and they are – the ONLY way I can show her that I love her is to respect her decision, maintain NC and MOVE ON.

It’s REALLY hard, believe me, I know.

I waited before posting this concept a couple of weeks ago because back then it was just a theory in my head and I had to start applying the strategy to my life and check the results before I offered it to others here.

It’s working. After five of the most horrid months I’ve ever experienced in my life IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS I’VE ACTUALLY HAD MORE GOOD DAYS THAN BAD, and that is a huge breakthrough. I feel as if I exist again.

Apart from all the other advice you read around her – get fit, NC etc – there is another strategy I have put in place for myself and I cannot believe how well it is working for me, and hopefully it may for you too. (I just wish I’d had the idea months ago).

Whilst clear-thinking is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT right now, you need to find the clarity to think this through.

OK, you miss your ex. Me too. But why?

Because they bought all these wonderful qualities into your life, I presume.

Mine did, all in one convenient package.

OK, she’s gone, but if you really think hard about it, why is it not possible to draw all these different qualities back into your life and fill the void you currently have in your life?

I’m here to tell you it is very possible.

Make a list of all the needs your ex met for you – and after all, it is now about you and what YOU need. This was pretty much mine.

I missed her being a girl (that may sound stupid, but you’ll understand what I mean shortly)

I missed the daily phone calls

I missed her arty and spiritual qualities

I missed feeling loved by someone

I missed the affection and intimacy

I missed the social life

I missed having someone close to talk

I missed the sex and the cheeky texts

Now, here’s the trick, ALL of these qualities are available to most of us in our daily lives and it’s only now that I’m accessing them that I realise how stupid I was not to see it before.

First things first, stop hanging out with your buddies for a while, indeed drop as much of your current life as you can for a while, because most of it – including your buddies – is a reminder that the rest of the world just carries on as normal while you are in incredible pain.

And here is the thing, your buddies are guys.

I miss a girl, so therefore start hanging out with girls for a while – any girls. Not with any agenda, just hang out and get to know some new ones. It’s actually fun. And girls know other girls, as I’ve been finding out recently.

Missing the phone calls is easier than I thought. I just randomly MADE THE EFFORT to re-connect with several girls I’d let drop off the radar during the relationship - old work colleagues, previous ex-girlfriends etc – and once I’d made the effort I was astounded at how reciprocal that became and I am now in constant contact with a number of them.

Finding someone with my ex’s arty and spiritual qualities posed a test. So instead I DID IT MYSELF. Bought some canvases and paints and started painting. Am learning how to read Tarot cards (don’t laugh). Picked up the guitar I had not touched for a decade and am immersing myself in learning about horoscopes and the zodiac. Why? Because these things are taking my head to COMPLETELY NEW PLACES – which is just where your head needs to be. As well, I still feel I am still somehow connected to my ex, but in a positive way and, should we ever be together again I will genuinely be a whole new person and be able to engage her in ways that are relevant to her. And here’s the kicker, most girls I've been meeting really dig all the stuff I just mentioned, so actually doing stuff out of my comfort zone gives me plenty of currency when I am out there talking to new girls. IT REALLY DOES.

I missed being loved. You really have to get a grip on this one. It just struck me a couple of weeks back that if I stop and think about there are a heap of people who love me. Friends, family etc. I just decided that I’d finally let that in, to take note of all the kindness and good wishes of others, to suck it in and acknowledge that hell yes, I AM LOVED. Just because one person doesn’t feel this way toward you doesn’t mean you should block out the rest. LET IT IN and I promise you that the more you do the more filled with that feeling of being loved you will feel.

Affection and intimacy. These are two things many, many girls love the concept of. Start hanging with girls (without the agenda of trying to get them into bed) and find out yourself. As friends (and therefore safe) girls really like cuddles, hand-holding etc. They like talking about relationships – even your broken one and they love to feel like they can be supportive of you in these ways. If you approach things the right way you’ll get more affection than you ever thought possible.

The social life without my ex was easily dealt with. Do nothing I did with her and accept every invitation (no-matter how lame it sounds) you receive to anything. If you’ve started putting together a social circle of girls you will be astounded at the number of times you’ll get asked.

Someone to talk to? You’ll have plenty of people to talk to once you start following the above advice. I promise. But I do advise that if you’re feeling pretty bleak most of the time, do as many here have done (me included) and see a therapist. IT REALLY HELPS early on after a savage break up.

The cheeky texts. I was lucky here in that I’ve always had a kind of unspoken, simmering thing going on with a married woman at work. On the off chance I send her a funny text a couple of weeks back and since then we’ve not stopped. Again, I just took a gamble, made the effort and bingo, another element of what I’ve been missing was replaced.

And the sex. Well, through a combination of all the above I got well and truly laid on both the Friday night and the Saturday afternoon just past. And with two different girls. And it was brilliant and I didn’t plan either of them. It just happened because of all the other strategies I’d put in place.

End result – I have regained all the qualities I have been missing in my life since the break-up.

The side benefits are that you keep very busy (less thinking about the ex time), you have something to constantly look forward to, there is little happening to remind of your past life with your ex, with each contact with different girls in any form your confidence comes creeping back and your new life starts to become an adventure.

For the last two weeks I’ve started the day thing ‘what will be my adventure today?’

You can’t replace the person, but you CAN replace the qualities.

And the other bonus is that by everything you need not being in just one package, you can never again go through the hell of the breakup. Think of all you lost during the breakup in just one massive blow, well it can’t happen again. If one of you new links breaks down, then you just have to replace something small. Not the whole package.

I love my ex deeply and still miss her. But I don’t miss what she bought to the relationship any more.

And that is a huge burden off my heart.

Like I said, it isn’t easy but you just need to get thinking, get active, get connected and get resourceful.

And be selfish about it – ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

Sorry for being so long-winded, but hopefully this might help someone else out there and if it does, then I’m very glad.

 

 

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[UnamedSeven]

Thank You. This really did help. My ex dumped me in August, and i've only had one thing in my mind that was positive. I told myself "In just a few weeks, you will forget what she was. What she is now, is NOT the person who 'loved' you". After reading this (the whole thing) i was able to come to grips with everything you said and how i let her control my life AFTER the breakup. I know that she could careless if i was dead right now, and thats not a person who i love or ever will in the future.

[Surfer Dude]

I also miss some things my ex brought into my life, those would be:

 

Exchanging emails with someone many times a day

Having long msn and skype convos

Having sex once in a while (we were in LDR)

The feeling of being loved by someone

 

But that's pretty much it. There's nothing else I miss.

[LittleDove]

You guys seem to really CARE.

I dont 'get' this...ive been misstreated..and my egox moved on, right after id lost our baby. And subsequently, fertility too.

How can a man be so callous, after 2 years and my being step mum to his kids?

how can some guys lie so easily, and seem to just move on to the next victim??

and WHY do I attract these fools??

I need a 'nice' guy.

you guys are unreal, i wish for a sensetive man, like i read of on LS.

are you REAL?????????

[Theorem]

i found this to be quite an EYE opener, the fact of the matter is this was a true realization about the PROBLEM, not just an idea.

 

after seeing my EX today. with her BF...alot of these feelings surfaced. Just the feeling to be needed or loved. talk to someone on the phone etc.

 

thank you sir. i definitely needed this.