Don't be like me!

[SadShamrock]

I am here to tell you that no contact is the best remedy for moving on and mending a broken heart.

 

This advice isn’t coming from someone who took it herself. It is coming from someone who has kept in contact with her ex for the last year.

 

It hasn’t been healthy. It hasn’t been beneficial.

 

Maybe it works if you are completely over the person.

 

This was not my case. Although it should be, because really, this guy is a wanker.

 

One of the most lethal elements of keeping contact is the never-dying hope that they will wake up one day and suddenly be the person you want them to be- at least be the person you want them to be to you.

 

Your ex will reminisce with you. He will speak about an intimate moment you shared. Now in my case, my ex has done this numerous time, and I leap to the conclusion- Oh boy! He really thinks about us and remembers all the wonderful times we had. He can’t get over them either! Nuh uh. Not true. Sure, he might enjoy talking about old times, but unless, he is making promises and following through with those promises for new times- his talk is just that. And your hopes will come plummeting, when they never come to fruition. Then the hurt just starts all over again. But it comes with new hurt.

 

You deal with the past rejection and the new rejection when you keep in contact with someone who you still love- but doesn‘t love you back. It’s a terrible cycle. Believe me. I’m caught in this ride right now.

 

Your ex will tease you about your quirkiness. Mine does all the time. He remembers every little detail about you, right? Maybe, but it doesn’t mean he is still in love with the whole package that carries those little quirks and characteristics of your personality that you only let him see. I’m not sure what it means. But he still isn’t promising me the moon, stars…

 

He’ll want to see you again. It will feel and be very familiar. It will feel like old times. And with that- all those old emotions will come rushing in- it might even feel like when you first met. Maybe you’ll share an intimate moment- and you’ll fall right back into what you used to have…or maybe it will feel fresh and like this time it is really going to work- only thing is- he might not feel this way. It might just be fun and comfortable for him. Maybe just the sure thing.

 

Anyway, I messed up. I have consistently messed with contact over the last year. Oh, he probably thinks I’m one of his best friends. I’m his -go to girl- when he needs someone to talk to, cry to, flirt with….I certainly am the sure thing, cause I’ve been petrified to lose him, cause I think if I’m gone- he’ll forget me. So I’m always there for him.

 

Why is it that I am always there for him when he needs me? I do have a life! How come just when he needs me- I just happen to be doing nothing- life will be cruel like this. Oh- when you need him to return the favor? He’ll be out- living his wonderful, exciting life.

 

I can’t forget him. Maybe I don’t want to forget him. I can’t get over him because he is part of my daily life! I’m his best friend with benefits with a life time guarantee- Only problem is- he literally threw me away a year ago. I mean he catapulted me to the curb. Six months ago- He just sort of pulled me back out…brushed me off a little bit…but the truth is- I’m still so damaged by how the break up happened…and what happened immediately after. My heart isn’t healed. I never gave myself that time. When I was ready to start healing- he took the iniative to jump back in my life- he just never offered me the benefits of a true friend of the life time gaurantee of being able to rely on him.

 

The big problem with allowing them back in- is that there is a moment of peace. It felt good to talk to him again.

 

He has the benefit of a friend who would do anything for him- he has the benefit of having someone love him and adore him-

 

The gains I get? Having him in my life! Hoping for the best and dealing with the reality of the worst. Hope is a very cruel thing.

 

Anyway, this sad story has no end until I say no more. You can’t forget someone who you hold onto. You can’t truly let go until they are gone. Maybe for some it is temporary. Maybe for others it is letting them go permanently. Either way. You have to let them be gone from your life if you truly want to move on. You can't keep them around.

 

Don’t be a fool. Do as a I say. Not as I do.

 

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

Alexander Graham Bell

[Surfer Dude]

Only if you start real NC and tell him not to ever contact you again, will you be able to heal in the future. Don't prolong your period of suffering, it's up to you to put an end to it.

 

Stop being friends with benefits because it's benefiting only him, not you. He's really selfish if he has the nerve to keep you around for sex and goes to other women for emotions/romance.

 

Kick him out of your life. There are amazing opportunities waiting for you if you're only willing to plunge forward and leave him behind.

[SadShamrock]

Not that it makes a difference. I'm not sleeping with him. I haven't slept with him in over a year. I wouldn't. I guess I should clarify- what I meant is that he benefits from having a person there who really cares about him.

 

I'm going to just stop being there. I'm not going to say good bye. The more dramatic I get- the more of a kick out of it he gets- the bigger the boast to his ego he gets. The more he can remind me that I'm the reason we aren't together. I just don't need that crap anymore.

 

I just want to walk away and be gone- before he knows I even left. Maybe if I give myself this running start- it will be easier for me to stay away. No heads up to him about how I feel or that I'm not going to be there anymore.

 

I just want to be gone. I want to be gone and a safe enough distance from him that he doesn't suck me back in.

[cherryade]

Good Luck Shamrock. I let my ex do this, then I did get him back but it wasn't real, and it's over now. I'm not letting him do it again. I understand how it is to know someone's not good to you, but to have accepted it just to have them in your life, and it's why I'm suffering again right now. I don't know if I can honestly say I wouldn't do it again though. This is gonna be tough, but we're in it together x

[Surfer Dude]

Just disappearing would be the most effective.

 

Change your phone number, change your email address and he'll be gone from your life. There will be no way for him to contact you, short of knocking on your door. And he'd have to have a lot of nerve to do that.

 

Unfortunately, I couldn't just disappear from my ex's life, I had to explicitly tell her "****ing whore, get out of my life and disappear forever".

 

It just depends on what kind of person you're dealing with. But yeah, NC will be a life saver for you. Don't allow people to treat you like crap and use you for their own selfish benefit.

[SweetTux]

I agree with SurferDude... It's better just to disappear and ignore any of his attempts to contact you. Be strong and don't falter... It was hard for me to ignore my ex's texts and calls... I even listened to her voicemails or read her texts.. Which I advise you don't cause it might bother you more, but we know it'll be too hard to stop yourself cause of your curiousity... But just be strong and go no contact! It is better for yourself in the long run. You must be happy without scarificing too much of yourself. Remember you only live once so don't waste it being sad or miserable!

[SadShamrock]

It's the not picking up the phone part that is hard for me! I just did it.

 

I will begin walking away now. I'll probably annoy all of you more than usual...as I start to really do this.

 

Thanks for your support and advice.

[9Lives]

I am here to tell you that no contact is the best remedy for moving on and mending a broken heart.

 

This advice isn’t coming from someone who took it herself. It is coming from someone who has kept in contact with her ex for the last year.

 

It hasn’t been healthy. It hasn’t been beneficial.

 

Maybe it works if you are completely over the person.

 

This was not my case. Although it should be, because really, this guy is a wanker.

 

One of the most lethal elements of keeping contact is the never-dying hope that they will wake up one day and suddenly be the person you want them to be- at least be the person you want them to be to you.

 

Your ex will reminisce with you. He will speak about an intimate moment you shared. Now in my case, my ex has done this numerous time, and I leap to the conclusion- Oh boy! He really thinks about us and remembers all the wonderful times we had. He can’t get over them either! Nuh uh. Not true. Sure, he might enjoy talking about old times, but unless, he is making promises and following through with those promises for new times- his talk is just that. And your hopes will come plummeting, when they never come to fruition. Then the hurt just starts all over again. But it comes with new hurt.

 

You deal with the past rejection and the new rejection when you keep in contact with someone who you still love- but doesn‘t love you back. It’s a terrible cycle. Believe me. I’m caught in this ride right now.

 

Your ex will tease you about your quirkiness. Mine does all the time. He remembers every little detail about you, right? Maybe, but it doesn’t mean he is still in love with the whole package that carries those little quirks and characteristics of your personality that you only let him see. I’m not sure what it means. But he still isn’t promising me the moon, stars…

 

He’ll want to see you again. It will feel and be very familiar. It will feel like old times. And with that- all those old emotions will come rushing in- it might even feel like when you first met. Maybe you’ll share an intimate moment- and you’ll fall right back into what you used to have…or maybe it will feel fresh and like this time it is really going to work- only thing is- he might not feel this way. It might just be fun and comfortable for him. Maybe just the sure thing.

 

Anyway, I messed up. I have consistently messed with contact over the last year. Oh, he probably thinks I’m one of his best friends. I’m his -go to girl- when he needs someone to talk to, cry to, flirt with….I certainly am the sure thing, cause I’ve been petrified to lose him, cause I think if I’m gone- he’ll forget me. So I’m always there for him.

 

Why is it that I am always there for him when he needs me? I do have a life! How come just when he needs me- I just happen to be doing nothing- life will be cruel like this. Oh- when you need him to return the favor? He’ll be out- living his wonderful, exciting life.

 

I can’t forget him. Maybe I don’t want to forget him. I can’t get over him because he is part of my daily life! I’m his best friend with benefits with a life time guarantee- Only problem is- he literally threw me away a year ago. I mean he catapulted me to the curb. Six months ago- He just sort of pulled me back out…brushed me off a little bit…but the truth is- I’m still so damaged by how the break up happened…and what happened immediately after. My heart isn’t healed. I never gave myself that time. When I was ready to start healing- he took the iniative to jump back in my life- he just never offered me the benefits of a true friend of the life time gaurantee of being able to rely on him.

 

The big problem with allowing them back in- is that there is a moment of peace. It felt good to talk to him again.

 

He has the benefit of a friend who would do anything for him- he has the benefit of having someone love him and adore him-

 

The gains I get? Having him in my life! Hoping for the best and dealing with the reality of the worst. Hope is a very cruel thing.

 

Anyway, this sad story has no end until I say no more. You can’t forget someone who you hold onto. You can’t truly let go until they are gone. Maybe for some it is temporary. Maybe for others it is letting them go permanently. Either way. You have to let them be gone from your life if you truly want to move on. You can't keep them around.

 

Don’t be a fool. Do as a I say. Not as I do.

 

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

Alexander Graham Bell

 

I am so moved by your message. Dont feel bad. It could have easily....easily been me in the exact same situation. YOu will never be the same after this experience. You will be much stronger and no man will be able to take you on this ride ever again.

I was definately about to take this ride but I could not do it. It would have played out just like this. Like I tell everyone now...he is not worth my time. I dont have time for this foolishness. It is very hard on you mentally, emotionally, and physically. I learned my lesson. I was about to settle for the friendship thing but I saw that as crumbs...he was already acting mean in that short time. I told him I love him and not to call me anymore and I would not call him either. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I still love him I guess but I am not willing to sacrifice nothing else. Nothng else. I saw him today, I did not cry, or hurt, or anything. I just keep it moving like it wasnt nothing. A man will go as far as you let him go. He took advantage of your love and your admiration towards him...just like my ex would have done. Old faithful. The whole story is so real. I am hurting but not like before. I know I can do better than this in my life. When is the last time you talk to him? I change my number. Dont even call me. If he wanted to talk to me, he could get in touch with me but he is too prideful and too full of himself. I just decided to let it go. He dont really care. That hurts a little to feel that way after all I put in but what can I do. I just have to move on.

[SadShamrock]

I spoke to him yesterday. I know, I know. But yesterday was it. I wanted to see if he remembered what he said when he was high. He did. He laughed, and he said I was just over analyzing and blowing things out of proportion. I don't think I did. Maybe i did. No, I didn't, because if a friend told me that someone said something similiar to her, I'd say WTF are you doing talking to this man? So, this is a new month. I know how detached, un-sympathetic, un-empathetic and nasty he can be.

 

I just have to have the strength to stay away. Maybe he wont call me this time. Maybe he has had enough of us. Maybe he has moved on completely now, and he doesn't need me to be his friend anymore. Bleh, as much as I hate him- it's still hard thinking I might never see him or talk to him again- rather it's hard knowing that i won't see him or talk to him again.

 

What is it about horrible men? Why are they so hard to get over? Maybe it's just he took part of me with him. I think I trusted people a lot more before I met him. I trusted myself more. I trusted my judgment more.

[Crazy.S]

Sadshamrock, I really feel bad for you. I know even though you notice what it is going on, you can't help yourself. I hope you can break this cycle sometime soon. If it helps, look pass those memories that you hold on to. Those memories are just memories and it does not reflect who he is now. Don't ever forget what he has done to you. You need to move on and learn how to be independent.

[trueblue72ny]

Shamrock I understand exactly what you are going thru! I am in the same boat. My ex gf of 4 years broke it off, I went NC, then three weeks later I get an email, and more and more and more. I got the friendship line, she says she wants to be friends, and hang out, but not yet, then tells me she isnt ready, then tells me its because she knows im not ready. Its like its ok for me to be there when she needs, but that is it.

 

I just got to the point last week where I said if you are looking for a mr. new than maybe we shouldnt talk anymore. It was so so so so hard to tell her that.

But instead of understanding, what do i get? she got mad and pissy with me and told me if i want to be friends fine but it will remain via email as she is not ready.

 

How did i get so lucky? to have an ex dictate to me how our friendship is going to be? how lucky did i get that my ex is granting me permission to be friends after she bailed.

Since last week I have not heard a word from her. NC all over again. day 7.

 

Stay strong Shamrock. You are not in this alone! And I will tell you reading your words gives me strength to stay away from mine also!

[9Lives]

I spoke to him yesterday. I know, I know. But yesterday was it. I wanted to see if he remembered what he said when he was high. He did. He laughed, and he said I was just over analyzing and blowing things out of proportion. I don't think I did. Maybe i did. No, I didn't, because if a friend told me that someone said something similiar to her, I'd say WTF are you doing talking to this man? So, this is a new month. I know how detached, un-sympathetic, un-empathetic and nasty he can be.

 

I just have to have the strength to stay away. Maybe he wont call me this time. Maybe he has had enough of us. Maybe he has moved on completely now, and he doesn't need me to be his friend anymore. Bleh, as much as I hate him- it's still hard thinking I might never see him or talk to him again- rather it's hard knowing that i won't see him or talk to him again.

 

What is it about horrible men? Why are they so hard to get over? Maybe it's just he took part of me with him. I think I trusted people a lot more before I met him. I trusted myself more. I trusted my judgment more.

 

Well if you dont want to push him completely out your life...tell him that you are trying to get your mind together and tell him to give you some time to call him back. Then ignore him for a while. It is good for him to get some rejection and for you to get some clarity. You got to do someehting.

[SadShamrock]

I'm having a particularly hard time tonight. I'm really depressed. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just feel like the tunnel is like one of the hallways that keeps stretching, like in a horror flick.

 

I just feel sad tonight. It seems like all the bad things that have happened in my life are coming to me. Who knows, maybe this is why I held onto him for so long. Maybe this is why I let him get away with treating me like garbage all the time.

 

I think I"m going to go to bed soon and just sleep. I wish I could sleep away the day tomorrow and wake up by Thursday feeling better.

 

If it counts for anything- I know it hurts right now to lose him, but I'm hoping that this time if I do it right- I will get over him truly and in a healthy way. I never allowed that over the last year. So maybe for now- I just have to deeal and let go- so I can be me again- and not "me with him" and "me after him."

 

Thank you so much to everyone. Just having an outlet for some of my feelings helps so much.