Cherbear Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 My bf told me last week that we needed to break up. He said he doesn't see a future with me and I am not the right girl for him and blablabla. I broke down completely and finally he said let's try one more time until Thanksgiving.(b/c we already made plans to go to his folk's place and watch a show and all that) Then let's see what happens. So I was being really good this past week, not being jealous or controlling or any of the things he thinks I am. I think we are doing ok. But once in a while, my tears would just come out of nowhere b/c I am apparently heartbroken over the fact he wanted to break up with me. Whenever I do that, he would get stressed and say if I would just enjoy our time together instead of getting so emotional maybe everything would just be alright even after Thanksgiving. But it's so hard for me to stop crying b/c he broke my heart when he said he wanted to leave. So I guess I really need your opinion on how to handle the situation. How to control my emotions? How to be a good gf while I am so hurt?
TeaAbraham Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Oh my gosh! Your story is so sad. Especially because my ex used to be the sweetest girl who would get really emotional about me when I wasn't with her, or when I was leaving her for the night. I personally think your emotions in the situation are a very special thing. You just care so much! That said, I definitely remember being overwhelmed with the emotions sometimes! It's not that it isn't wonderful that you care so much, it's just that sometimes that space is needed. And that space isn't because you aren't wonderful! It's just because people have needs other than their partner too. It's normal. If he is really worth keeping and you want to go through that hard work of not being jealous, etc. do it! It may be hard, but if that's what you want then go for it. Just remember if it's something you want to put the work into, then there will those tougher moments ahead when it's not so easy. But it's okay because you're doing all that you can! You gotta just try real hard if that is what you really want. Just make sure it doesn't turn into something where he is demanding you be a certain way even though you are trying so hard. It can't just be you working for the relationship. You can't just be a good gf, he has to be a good bf too. Your first impulse might be to be really sad and emotional because you are scared of losing him, but if this is a source of the whole issue, you have got to just realize it isn't going to help. I don't know if you can ease back that emotion a little bit without it being too hard for you though. Maybe you will see that easing it back a little bit makes things better, and in the future it won't be so hard. I really do not know though. Whenever my ex was trying to be less emotional when I thought it was too much, it was very hard for her, and I didn't appreciate how much trouble she was going through in doing it. Make sure your guy knows how much of an effort you are making! It's really easy not to appreciate how difficult it is though. That's the hardest part. Having him appreciate all the effort you're going through. I really don't know how to do that though! I think it will be super difficult especially since he is probably not going to put in as much effort because he is thinking: "if it works it works, I shouldn't have to try more than normal" Total BS! He has to care about this and make an effort too! I just see him so easily just not trying though. I don't know. Maybe he is a better guy than I am. I hope so. But just warning you, we can be really stupid sometimes. Argh! Us stupid guys makes me angry. I didn't learn to appreciate how much I loved her deep emotions until after they were gone. I don't know! There has to be a way though. Grr. I will ponder this more.
UnamedSeven Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Well, if he can't understand why your stressed, i would highly recommend that you tell him. It could very well be, that he has no idea how hurt you are. This should knock some sense into him.
pennyjosix Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 I know it's really hard to control your emotions, but i don't think that is a bad thing. if you are an emotional person, you should be able to express that. for someone to really love you then they need to accept that part of you. imagine the rest of your life you not being able to express your feelings the way you naturally want to? that sounds rough to me and not healthy.
Taramere Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 I know it's really hard to control your emotions, but i don't think that is a bad thing. if you are an emotional person, you should be able to express that. for someone to really love you then they need to accept that part of you. imagine the rest of your life you not being able to express your feelings the way you naturally want to? that sounds rough to me and not healthy. I agree, with the caveat that learning to control your emotions in certain situations is very important. During a break-up/likely break-up, though, it's too much to demand that someone avoid tears. Unhealthy, as you say. Cherbear, this sounds way too much like a test you're supposed to fail. "I think we should break up, but I might change my mind depending on what happens in the next few days - and over Thanksgiving, when you'll be in territory that's comfortable to me but not to you..." Let's say that 90% of the time you manage to handle that difficult situation with poise, but 10% of the time you struggle. That would be a pretty good achievement, but my bet is that the moment you slip up and get emotional, that will give him the excuse to go ahead and break up with you. Claiming while he does it that it's your fault for...well, failing to change your entire personality in the space of a couple of days or whatever it is he expects you to do. Why set yourself up for that fall? From what you're saying, he's doing nothing to merit the effort it would take you to manage that very taxing situation.
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