Author kashmir Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 Most girls I meet don't even give me that chance, though. The vast majority have boyfriends or are focused on some other guy, and the small percentage of ones that are genuinely single want to stay single. There aren't many girls in the activities I do anyway, except for my sport, and the girl's team hates my guts (I don't really like any of them anyway, though). Besides that, the music scene is dominated by guys, as well as the other clubs I do. A lot of girls here don't do anything besides join a sorority (and not just the ditzy girls, but many attractive and smart ones join sororities) and once they're in that they won't talk to you unless you're in an associated frat.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Dude! You're in music! Quit complaining. You play he guitar in clubs. CHICK MAGNET! Hello! Play your songs, then go talk to some people.
Author kashmir Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 Yeah, I gotta get some gigs in bars and coffee shops, and to do that I need to record some stuff. I've got an album of original material and many many demo covers, but unfortunately I'm too much of a perfectionist to release it anywhere and constantly insist on re-doing it. With this one song I have almost 400 full takes of it on my hard drive, and I still don't think it's ready. I still don't buy that music is a chick magnet, despite common belief.
movingonandon Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I've tried dating sites and although I did meet some interesting people, I never met anyone that worked out for a serious relationship. My opinion is that if I'm meant to be with someone, they will be placed into my life in some way, shape, or form. Well, if so he or she can be placed into your life in the form of an online dating profile I'm baffled by the stereotypes towards online dating. This is just one additional way to meet people, worthy of being taken no more and no less seriously than all the other ways to find new connections, no big deal . e.g., aving an online profile does not mean that i won't go chat up a girl in a bar; similarly, why limit yourself to trying to meet women in bars? basically, just don't put all your eggs in one basket...
Author kashmir Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 The thing about online dating though is no one my age uses it except socially awkward people like me (I think I'm socially awkward at least...I don't know), and those are mostly guys. Girls don't need to go on a dating site when they're 19. I checked out this one and at least 50% of the girls said they were bi and that they were only looking for women because "they meet plenty of guys in real life." The others were very unattractive. I don't know what to do, really. I've just been so lonely recently. I have paranoid feelings coming back to be, which I'm kinda worried about, but I KNOW that if I see some success then those will go away. I'd like to ask one of those friends that I mentioned before for help but I don't know how. I've been having recurring dreams where there's an unknown girl that I have feelings for and am affectionate with, and it feels so good just looking at her. Then I wake up and realize it was all just a dream. I just feel like there's something wrong with me because I don't get dates or females attracted to me or pretty much anything with the opposite sex. I hear how girls love talking to guys on the phone and they call them all the time, but I NEVER get calls. I initiate calls, but despite the effort I put in girls do very little in return. I honestly think this whole issue might be derived from embers of my mental condition...I have an idea what's going on but I've written enough.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Do you have any really good male friends who can give you an honest opinion? It might be worth it to ask them what their thoughts are.... And listen to those thoughts constructively. I.E. without blaming yourself, or putting down yourself. A lot of people have paranoid thoughts now and then. You don't need to have a mental disorder to start thinking this way sometimes. Do you see a therapist who can guide you in how to "talk back" to the paranoia? Do you go into interactions with women thinking that you are disordered? Please don't . We all have pluses and minuses. Don't put an extra load on your back.
Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 You know that a relationship doesn't make or break you as a person, right? Relationships should enhance your life, not become the be-all and end-all of your existence. kashmir, you've got your entire life to live. Go do stuff. Think small goals at first, accomplish them, then make bigger goals, etc. Go talk to some girls, any girls, in grocery store lineups or anything else. Don't hit on them. Just be friendly. Go talk to some guys, anywhere. Pretty soon you'll find that your shyness will go the way of the dodo. You can do it.
Green Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Kashmir when I was your age I was my own worst enemy with women... I mean i wanted a gf but I was so crazy and cheap that I always refused to take girls out to eat even when they were like sugesting a dinner date or what ever... then on top of that like one of the hottest girls in the world was into me and pretty much made herself majorly available example she suggested she come back and change at my house before going to the gym... **** like that... and I was way to homo to make a move... then one day after I turned 21 it all clicked and I stopped being a loser and being my own worst enemy and all of a sudden women were no longer a problem... I say go ahead and do internet dating just don't rely on it as your only source... keep going out into the real world social scene and one day maybe sooner then 21 maybe after 21 it will click for you too
monkey00 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I think what you need to do is just get into a comfortable position to be making friends with girls. FORGET about getting into their pants or going out with them. Once you have that down, you shouldn't have problems attracting women.
Humbleman Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 The fact you are 19 and can't get a woman says it all to me, you are clearly doing something wrong and until you find out what your problem is, you'll never have success with women. Try online dating, but when I was 19, some seven years ago, I never needed to use any online dating sites.
Author kashmir Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Screw online dating. I realized something. I'm a wimp. Not entirely a wimp, in fact, in almost every aspect I'm not a wimp, but instead very courageous and confident. When it comes to women though, I'm a wimp. Tell me to do an incredibly difficult physical task and I'll do it without hesitation. Tell me to write or solve something that will take intense mental focus, and I will do it. Tell me to perform on stage in front of hundreds of people, and I'll go up there and have a great time and put on a great show. Best of all, no one needs or has told me to do these things except myself - I can motivate myself to do any of them. However, tell me to approach a girl, flirt with her, and get her number, and I'll hesitate. I'll keep looking at her and thinking what I should do, all the meanwhile convincing myself that she's not interested and I'm going to fail. I'm a only a wimp when it comes to women, and women don't like wimps. Instead of always assuming the worst, ie "she doesn't like me or she only thinks of me as a friend," I need to assume the opposite. KMT, your example with that girl is something I would do. She'd ask if she could change in my room, and I'd tell myself, "She just needs a place a to change. It's not like she's suggesting anything." If a girl looks at me several times, I'll tell myself, "She's probably just thinks I look like someone she knows, or she's looking at my shirt and thinking her boyfriend has that shirt, or she's looking at me because I look too ugly or creepy to not be noticed." Instead of having these thoughts, I need to think, "Ok...why else would this girl ask to change in my room specifically? She clearly wants me to make a move, and if she doesn't then she's a total idiot. What girl asks to go to a new guy's room to change clothes and not intend for it to have any sexual meaning? My room isn't her f'ing public changing room." Or for the second case, "She thinks I'm hot, I think she's hot. Awesome, here I go." I know what I need to do, but I don't think I can do it on my own. One of these days I'm going to ask my friend's girlfriend for some advice, the one who assumes I'm a lady's man. There's only so much I can learn through text on the internet. Asking other guys hasn't gotten me anywhere - they either have no idea what to do either or else they're too selfish and jerky to help. I figure having this girl friend will be a good start. Honestly, I think I need some girl friends to just set my mind straight and help me realize that girls DO desire me and they're WAITING for me to make a move. I keep saying, my perspective is pretty skewed as far as women goes due to upbringing and my own self-conscious thinking. The first step is to get that on track.
sscutie Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I think that you should just be patient and it will come... But quite honestly I wouldnt knock off online dating sites because i have met a lot of good friends there...
Green Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I'm alot better now at 24 then I was at 19 with girls. Seriously I think time just fixed me. It was really depressing some times how much of an idiot I was. Heck I still do really stupid things that mess me up with girls. I think the trick to getting girls is just not caring about being rejected and in a laid back carefree way really go for it.... I mean really go for it. Be rude by going in for the kiss, be touchy, don't be afraid to call and ask them to come over
Isolde Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Don't forget, Kashmir, that 19 is super super young. I got my first kiss at 19. Lots of changes coming up in the next few years. You're putting an insane amount of pressure on yourself.
RecordProducer Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I didn't read anywhere (or perhaps I missed that part) that you're actually hitting on any girls. You gotta start talking to women, charming them, entertaining them, and chasing them. The more the merrier. One will get hooked, eventually.
Green Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I didn't read anywhere (or perhaps I missed that part) that you're actually hitting on any girls. You gotta start talking to women, charming them, entertaining them, and chasing them. The more the merrier. One will get hooked, eventually. Hes got a mentle block, he probably barely says anything charming to women let alone chases them. When I was his age I remember being at a gas station on a saturday night and a group of hot girls called me over and told me I was hot and all I could think about was that I wanted them to think I was cool when they left I didn't even try to get there numbers or anything. By the way what a pretty jewish girl you are record producer
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I get plenty of action when I put my mind to it, and I use dating sites. When a hunter stalks his prey, does he just take one knife, or does he carry a bow, arrows, and some traps too? Use every weapon available in your arsenal.
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Dude, where's your fake ID? Everyone I knew when I was under 21 had a fake ID! So true. I'm British and when I went to the USA age 19, even I had fake ID! OP needs to bend the rules a little
Author kashmir Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 What is considered charming? I haven't talked to new girls in a while, but when I was I was able to approach them, but I didn't really say anything that interesting...well, I did, but it wasn't anything flirty or suggestive. If the girl wasn't very talkative it'd be a series of boring questions. If the girl was more outgoing we'd usually hit on something we had in common and get passionate about talking about that. I can almost always make girls laugh. I can't describe what I do but it's usually just in the way I describe and word stuff and also how I can be spontaneous sometimes. I hardly ever do anything flirty though. In other words, I could have the exact same conversation with a guy. I really don't know how to do flirty stuff. I don't know where the line is between flirting and saying something cheesy or offensive. And I'm not talking about obvious offensive stuff like, "damn girl, would I like to get a piece of that ass," but stuff like, "I saw your awesome smile from across the room so I had to come over," or something like that. I feel like commenting on ANYTHING about a girl's appearance will get me the cold shoulder or slapped.
Author kashmir Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Oh, and it's also a thing of pickiness too. I'm really picky. There were 3 girls today I was sure I could have approached and gotten dates with. One of which I once had a class with and have seen around. She has an awesome figure but not such a pretty face. I saw her peaking over at me at the table next to me once every 10 seconds or so (and I've seen her looking at me before) and I was debating with myself whether I liked her enough to do something. I decided against it. I need to realize though that keeping options open is never a bad thing, and while that girl might have not been my top choice, getting her number wouldn't have hurt.
Green Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 seriously dude you should video tape yourself hitting on some chicks... just walk up to them with your camera phone and be like you look hot I want to put this on youtube then try and get there numbers
monkey00 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I really don't know how to do flirty stuff. I don't know where the line is between flirting and saying something cheesy or offensive. And I'm not talking about obvious offensive stuff like, "damn girl, would I like to get a piece of that ass," but stuff like, "I saw your awesome smile from across the room so I had to come over," or something like that. I feel like commenting on ANYTHING about a girl's appearance will get me the cold shoulder or slapped. Commenting on a girls look yes would probably get you a cold shoulder. The smile thing is less likely if you ask me, it's more genuine. Even commenting on what a girl is wearing is a good alternative too. But I don't think any of this is your fault, a lot of times women automatically have a shield up when guys approach them even if they might be interested. And I think some women are more prone to it towards certain guys who even have the good looks to go with his approach. I've done a lot of approaching myself and sometimes I get shot down. You've just gotta keep at it time and time again until you come across a girl that reciprocates your advances. Most girls are pretty insecure actually, so don't feel so bad what you are or aren't doing right.
Author kashmir Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 I have an idea. Let me give you guys an example of one girl I'm kinda attracted to and the few encounters I've had with her. There are probably 10 others like this that I see through my regular week, but this is just one example. She's in this one writing class I have. We've really only started talking the past few weeks (and this class doesn't meet often...once or twice every 2 weeks). First time I talked to her I went into her group, talked about common stuff, some books and movies...just getting to know her and the others. Since then we've been coming to class and editing each other's papers. Usually I'll walk in, she sees me and smiles, I smile back and sit down next to her. We'll exchange some dialogue...I'll usually make some kind of comment that makes her laugh. I'll do little stuff to tease and joke, like one day she smiled at me and said, "Can you read mine again? If you don't want to you don't have to..." I just grinned at her and said, "Mmm, yeah, I really don't want to," followed by a brief pause, us looking at each otherr, and then her smiling bigger, flipping her head back, and throwing the paper at me. She tends to compliment me a lot too. She's mentioned how much my comments on her paper have helped and how she thinks I'm smart. Now, with something like this I tend to say, "eh, she's just being nice," and maybe she is, but it can't hurt to try. I probably would have asked for her number by now, but she has a guy friend in that class who has kinda been c-blocking me...you know, interrupting our conversations and constantly trying to get her attention. Screw him though. Next time that class meets I'm gonna walk out with them and get her number whether he's there or not. it's stuff like this though that I've hesitated to act on over the past 2 months. When I first started school this year I was doing great. I must've gotten about 10 numbers and went out with about 5 of those girls. None of them worked out though, and I think one of those girls in particular kinda got to me (I was really starting to like her after a few times going out but then she stopped seeing me and went for another guy. I also had to work with her in a lab every week and indirectly hear her talk to others about how great that new guy was. I should've been stronger, and I'll admit that she did kinda get to me and hinder me from becoming motivated to try anything more). I think I need to realize that every guy fails a lot and getting a few flaky girls shouldn't stop me.
Queen of Diamonds Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Do you drink? If not, start. Alcohol is a drug that brings people together. I understand what you are saying. Sometimes it is just awkward. Go to the gym, play a sport, join a group, go to parties, etc. Maybe get a fake id. You will NEVER have this amount of opportunity again. You have so many easy ways to get in. Ask a girl to study, ask her to a party, ask her to play a sport, etc. Just be out in public. Looking online will just prevent you from having normal interaction and perfecting your skills. Some people bloom later than others. Being online might just prevent you from blooming. I highly doubt sugesting using alcohol to ANYONE is a good idea.. Alcohol is a very adictive drug JUST LIKE ANY OTHER. it may be legal but that does not make it ok to sugest that someone start using it to help in public situations.. I would refrain from it myself for a few reasons.. One) it makes us act differant. and when it all comes down to it she may say later "why dont you act like you did when we first met" or similar.. now come on who wants to hear that. Two) it makes it that much easier to become an addict. who wants to become dependant on something to be social. Three) do you really want to take something in order to be more appealing to the opposite sex? I dont like when someone sugests these types of behaviors. Thats the kind of stuff that creates problems. BE YOUR SELF! anyone worth the time will like you for being you. and honestly if talking and getting to know someone VIA email or IM's makes you more comfortable.. go for it. and besides these days how do you meet someone decent? IN BARS? ya right.. I myself have joined Plentyoffish.com and I may not have much luck yet but it makes it easier. I am not one of those girls who cant get asked out... believe I do daily.. but thats my problem is I am not looking to be asked out because I am "hott" or "sexy" or any of that. I want to be asked out because they like me for me. and honestly the email conversing makes it easy... Just my thoughts.
Brady_to_Moss Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 wow...after reading all of this i am exactally like you. I am 19 as well. Get numbers and what not but nothing ever comes of it. Bro, i think time will heal both you and i. I am also lonley and know exactally how you feel. Just before i read this i was thinking to myself how great it would be to be with a girl that i loved. But were only 19 and i think were still very young allthough i wish i still had a girl.
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