susieq616 Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Hi, not sure what im doing here. Been in a relationship for almost 7 years with someone who is unavailable.He was living with someone and had a 6 year old son when it started. Since then he has had a daughter who is now 3. I was originally just a friday night thing. I had feelings for him from the start. In august it came to a head and i realised it was going nowhere and finished it (i had met someone else and wanted to give it a go). after a few weeks i realised that i couldnt live without him and he, apparently felt the same. I had a birthday present, first in over 6 years! daily texts instead of once weekly. He told me he loved me and always would, whatever happened. A few weeks later he left her. he moved in with me and everything was perfect for 3 days, till he went to see his kids. the next morning i got a call from him, from hers, telling me that he needed time out to sort his head out. she was yelling that he had begged her to let him go back. After a couple of days silence we met, the next night he moved back in and hes been here ever since. Trouble is, its not the same! Hes quiet, distant. He goes to see his kids, at hers with her there, and the visits are getting longer. im finding it increasingly difficult to remain calm knowing that they are playing happy families for a couple of hours or so while i wait at home for him. Hes not really interested in sex anymore, and doesnt want to do anything with me. Im at the end of my tether, i dont know if its going anywhere. Where i should be excited that it will be our first xmas together, i have the feeling that he will be with her and the kids and i will be left alone. My mind is in turmoil! does anyone have an opinion, any ideas? i dont know what else to do
bentnotbroken Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 7 years is a long time to wait, while he decides what he wants and you wait some more. Where is your self worth? It seems you are getting all he intends to give.
FeelLikeScreaming Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Have you asked him what his Christmas plans are? Maybe you could use that as a way to tell him your concerns. I know it isn't easy, but maybe telling him that you want to find a way for him to see his kids but also spend Christmas with you would be a good start. I'm feeling lost, too, so my advice might not be the best. Still, if you haven't given him an opportunity yet to respond to your concerns, maybe he doesn't know what they are.
Lizzie60 Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 He is missing his kids too much.. and that will never be good for you.. I say move on.. let him go back to his family... He might be afraid that she might put the kids against him.. and I'm sure he wouldn't want that.. this is all assumption...of course.. but methink it will never work out since he will always have his mind at home..
Author susieq616 Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 I have asked him about xmas. Hes not sure. It all came to a head last night and i asked him if he really wanted to be here. He said he does but its hard as he didnt realise how much he would miss his kids.I can appreciate this, im not a hard woman and i have children of my own. I did tell him to go back and be with his family but he said he cant. I dont know if its because he doesnt want to go back to an unhappy family life or that she wont have him back. Ive been second best for 7 years, i dont want to keep doing it.
2sure Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 This is just too sad. You received ONE Birthday present in six years?? It just seems that since you could have so little of him, that a gift here and there, for six years...would not be too much to expect. And now his wife has most certainly thrown him out. It is possible she finally threw him out so he could figure out for himself what he wanted and she may or may not take him back. It sounds as though he wants to go back, but is keeping you hanging just in case he cant. Both you and his wife are in an awful position. To make it worse, your XMas and possibly your future, are now up to her.
bentnotbroken Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 No nothing is up to the wife. The OP Christmas and future are hers to decide what she wants to do with them. If she chooses to the leave the choice up to someone else then she has no right to be upset with the outcome. The wife appears to be taking control of her life. It would serve the OP well to do the same.
LittleDove Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 7 years?? of being the OW. wow you hung in there. And now, you have set your standards. They scream, its okay, do what you want, treat me as you wish, I will still be here when youre ready. I doubt the wife will take his cheating azz back, and by the sounds of things, his head is still there anyway. Do yourself a favour, let him go, find someone whos ALL there for you, from day 1. Is it him you cant live without, or the contest, and drama??? I cant imagine why anyone would wait around so long. Love, yeah right, hes been horrible to you... 1 gift in 7 years. I thought the OW got gifts?? to make up for not getting TIME. How old are your kids? old enough to know about this? they will remember this, I hope they dont think its normal. Think about what a good role model would do... maybe stand up, and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Life is too short, you deserve a gift EVERY YEAR. And love all week long. Funny, the xwife IS in control now...if she takes him back, hes gone. If she wont, you get him. And then theres every parental issue that will come up in the future, for at least the next 18 years. JMHO... are your kids HIS?? or older... :confused:
sadintexas Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 I disagree a bit with the other posters. Leaving a long term relationship like that is HARD to do no matter how bad it was, especially when kids are involved. There are still issues that he will have to sort out. Maybe you leaving would be best, maybe not. Only you can decide that. You've waited all this time to have this, now I suggest giving him a little space and time to heal from this mess. You couldn't honestly believe that he would move right in with you and it would be all roses did you? Standing beside him means helping him through this, being there when he needs someone, and realizing he needs his space too. Believe me, I'm not judging here. I was the OW and in that I realized that if my xMM ever did leave his wife, there would be major fallout to deal with. It just comes with the territory.
Author susieq616 Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 well, this morning he told me it was all too much for him and he needed space, again! He has packed absolutely everything and is staying at a friends. He doesnt want it to be the end of us, he just needs time. I cannot do this anymore. I dont think its fair on me to keep being pushed aside and its certainly not fair on my kids. my youngest is 7 and very confused about his comings and goings. As much as i love him, i cannot put myself through any more pain waiting for him to decide if he wants me.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 well, this morning he told me it was all too much for him and he needed space, again! He has packed absolutely everything and is staying at a friends. He doesnt want it to be the end of us, he just needs time. I cannot do this anymore. I dont think its fair on me to keep being pushed aside and its certainly not fair on my kids. my youngest is 7 and very confused about his comings and goings. As much as i love him, i cannot put myself through any more pain waiting for him to decide if he wants me. Hello, you're right to be mad! Make it the END of you! WHy are you waiting?! Go out and live! He is! GEL
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 He wants to keep his family as his top priority, and wants to be able to pencil you in when its convenient for him. When you agree to this, and make it easy for him to do this then he will back on his terms. It doesn't sound like that he is going to do anything on your terms, or do anything to see that your needs are met. You have a decision to make: give up your needs to suit his, or walk away.
Owl Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 well, this morning he told me it was all too much for him and he needed space, again! He has packed absolutely everything and is staying at a friends. He doesnt want it to be the end of us, he just needs time. Care to bet that this is exactly what he told his GF when he decided to move out to be with you? That "need for space" is the battle cry of someone who's wanting time to be with someone else. You've got every reason not to trust him at this point...the odds are very high that he's in the middle of reconciling with his GF again. Personally, I'd suggest you give him that space...tell him that he's of course free to go...but make it clear that doesn't mean he's free to come back. Coming back comes at a higher price...he'll have to build up trust with you to do so. Set some boundaries here about what you're willing to put up with in your life.
Author susieq616 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Well, surprise surprise i discovered that he was back with his gf yesterday. While ive been giving him space he has been working his way back there. He didnt even have the decency to tell me he was going back, and considering he was so in love with me, and we live very close by, i thought he might have at least phoned me to inform me. I rang him last night and he just said it, im back with her. i need my family and i must love her more than i thought, sorry! 7 years and it comes to an end like this. God im fuming!!
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