lofi_tokyo Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 3 weeks NC. Broke it. Was super depressed so figured why not. Unblocked him from AIM. Said hi. Conversation was awkward for maybe 5 min. Then he really started to drop his guard and spilled his guts about life (no emotional stuff). He had to go because he had to go out - probably with the woman he left me for. He didn't mention her though. I'm not ready to talk about that, nor do I feel it is my business. Prior to leaving I mentioned how I will be in his town next year. My mom is moving back and I'm going there for college (Ph.D). I'm going there for myself, the program the school offers is top notch... and anyways. He said that was awesome, wanted to know what area we'll be in. Which is close to his campus. He got super excited. When he had to go he said: Listen I have to go now but nextime I see you online I'll IM you. We'll talk more. He has never been this definitive about talking, ever. The language of what he said is very to the point. He's excited I'll be moving down... In all honesty our relationship went to crap because of long distance. Not fundamental issues, per say. We just both started distancing from eachother because theres only so much long distance we could take - 2.5yrs of it. Then we started to argue. But together we were always quite happy, save for the last time I saw him and we broke up. He found a new girl while I was in Japan for a month, we had extremely limited contact, and the month prior to leaving I was unavailable because I was so busy getting ready for Japan. So. Thoughts? Hes with someone else, I know. But I am convinced she is a rebound. Do you think through friendship now, when I move home we can be together? Do you think he'll eventually realize he loves ME and not her? ***** Thats my state of mind right now. Please give your opinion. Preferably, you'll shoot my sorry ass down and remind me to move on. Thanks!
Author lofi_tokyo Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 I'll tear myself down: I broke NC. I am dumb. I want to be strong like everyone here but I am not. If he wanted to be with me, he would dump her. Sure, I can try to nurture things back into him wanting to be with me, but what if that doesn't work out? Where will I be then? Just because he sounded excited does not mean there is a second chance. He probably was just happy talking to you because he sees you as a friend now, and is happy you've both moved forwards. Blah. Time to return to NC! Hes not going to call me. He said he'll IM me nextime he sees me online. Not really solid. It was nice having a conversation with him where he was enthusiastic, both about me and about his life, but at the end of the day, he did not say he misses me, he did not say he wants me back. At least we were civil! Somehow, thats good enough for me. Because I want to move on. I do. More than I want him back I want to get over this.
frd150 Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 TV, no one here is superman/women and if they say they are they are liers. Everyones entitled to moments like this, I had ALOT trust me. Please do yourself a favor and try not to over analyse the convo You will just start to form a false sense of whats real. My ex would call me alot and mostly to share trivial things like a bad driver in front of her...any excuse. She even gave me grief for not calling her on my own but in the end none of it meant jack squat, she was with someone else. Just take it for what it was, a nice conversation. I know it might be tough right now but you have to try. Your still doing good.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 TV, no one here is superman/women and if they say they are they are liers. Everyones entitled to moments like this, I had ALOT trust me. Please do yourself a favor and try not to over analyse the convo You will just start to form a false sense of whats real. My ex would call me alot and mostly to share trivial things like a bad driver in front of her...any excuse. She even gave me grief for not calling her on my own but in the end none of it meant jack squat, she was with someone else. Just take it for what it was, a nice conversation. I know it might be tough right now but you have to try. Your still doing good. Thank you Frd. Those words actually make me feel pretty good. I'm doing alright I think. Or I will be okay. Its just a matter of reminding myself of the things I know are true, rather than analyzing things that are impossible to answer.
EmperorR Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 ah the breaking of NC, I did it myself yesterday prank call but I doubt she knew it was me. I know it's hard and hope dies last, but again you never know, maybe between now and next year you find someone better than your ex, maybe his relationship is a rebound and it breaks off and you guys get back together. However I think the hoping, anticipation is the worst thing you can do, but who I'm I to say anything, every day I hope my cheating ex contacts me.
foxh1234 Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 OK TV, here is what I think. You should forget about this contact and continue with NC for now. What will happen in the future is out of our hands so don't worry about it now. Continue living your life and planning for your great future. If when you move down close to him things work out, great. Don't think about that now though because it will only hurt you. Let's think about the reality right now. He is with someone else and not with you. It is hard but those are the facts. Continue living your life and see what happens when you get down there. Do not pin your hopes on anything. You are healing and doing great, don't let this set you back. You can do this, you are strong and smart.
TeaAbraham Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 If there is advancing to be had (which there probably isn't, sorry!) he should be the one doing it, not you. If it is a rebound and it ends and he comes back to you and you still want him, great. But you can't go clawing after him! You've been down that road before. And you know exactly where it ends. You have probably changed a lot, but I am guessing he has not so much. For this to work he has to change. And you're not going to make him change, he is going to have to do it all by himself. So regardless of the endgame, NC!
Hersheys Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Hi tokyovogue! I agree with frd150, just take the conversation for what it was - a nice conversation. Sounds like he's sincerely excited that you'd be in his town soon. I'd say, maintain NC. Try your best to think that he may never come back so that there will be no expectations on your part. Rebound or not, he's still with the girl. Who knows maybe soon as you get there for your PhD you'd be too busy to even think about him as you will be experiencing and discovering new things, new interests, new friends. Good luck on your studies!
Author lofi_tokyo Posted November 23, 2008 Author Posted November 23, 2008 Thank you for all the love and support everyone. These last two days, for whatever reason, have been quite difficult on me. Not sure why. Everyone just posting honest commentary helps so much. Its the stuff I need to hear. Thank you so so so much. I sincerely appreciate none of you getting sick of me posting all the time. You're all wonderful people.
BCCA Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Thank you for all the love and support everyone. These last two days, for whatever reason, have been quite difficult on me. Not sure why. Everyone just posting honest commentary helps so much. Its the stuff I need to hear. Thank you so so so much. I sincerely appreciate none of you getting sick of me posting all the time. You're all wonderful people. The last week or so has been pretty brutal on me as well. I think the holidays coming up has something to do with it, as I'll be all alone for the first time in 5 years. I think that the conversation should be taken for what it was, some IM chit chat. He didnt mention wanting to talk about anything, seeing you, calling, etc, and he didnt really give you anything definite about talking again. The last time I spoke with my ex on the phone, she said she would call me very soon so we could get together and chat. That was 2 months ago, never heard a word. I dont mean to be a buzzkill, but what he said and what he does are 2 very different things. And will this IM chat even make you feel any better? If the answer is no, then whats the point? Chances are, he was excited to talk because he figures youre not mad anymore, so he shouldnt feel guilty. I think breaking NC can be a good reminder of why we did it in the first place. Unfortunately, it usually stings all over again.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 I guess I was hoping he was excited/wanted to talk because he wants to stay on good terms with me until I can move down and we can be together... ridiculous I know since he's with another girl right now. In my heart, I sometimes pretend the girl he left me for is a rebound because we just were not working as a long distance couple, and he needed an escape, but was not able to do it being single. So... then I tell myself rebounds don't USUALLY last that long, he'll break up with her by the time I get back (1 year!), and then we can run off into the sunset together. Hahahaha. At least I can laugh at my craziness. But yeah, thats what I sometimes hold onto. Other times I just don't care. I've got other things to do. I flip flop. Its nice hearing you guys remind me that my hopes for him and I are irrational, and I NEED to keep being reminded, because honestly - even now - I can tell I am believing I could feasibly end up with him in a year or so. Though I know it is ridiculous, I still really believe that is the truth sometimes, and I need to be shot down!
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Wanna' be completely shaken up tokyovogue? Here you go. You know that he has a girlfriend but you're still willing to pursue him. What does that say about you?
Sysyphus28 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I'll tear myself down: I broke NC. I am dumb. I want to be strong like everyone here but I am not. If he wanted to be with me, he would dump her. Sure, I can try to nurture things back into him wanting to be with me, but what if that doesn't work out? Where will I be then? Just because he sounded excited does not mean there is a second chance. He probably was just happy talking to you because he sees you as a friend now, and is happy you've both moved forwards. Blah. Time to return to NC! Hes not going to call me. He said he'll IM me nextime he sees me online. Not really solid. It was nice having a conversation with him where he was enthusiastic, both about me and about his life, but at the end of the day, he did not say he misses me, he did not say he wants me back. At least we were civil! Somehow, thats good enough for me. Because I want to move on. I do. More than I want him back I want to get over this. I have read all your posts and they have been inspirational and progressive. Please don't go back to this faint candle of hope. Civil doesn't mean reconciliation. It means civility( An indifferent niceness one person gives to another) An AIM conversation is beyond weak. He could actually be talking to the new girl at the same time! CMON..........................................
desertfire Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 TV, I must say that your passion is admirable, and you should harness it and point yourself in the right direction... it is difficult, but you can do it. Honestly, if he is with someone else, and you were not important enough for him to keep, then, in my book, he's not good enough for you. If a man truly loves a woman (and vice versa) he will go to whatever lengths to make things work, even if he has to swim oceans or climb mountains. Ask yourself, what is it that drives you to him? Whatever it is, it is the key to controlling that "obsession". Once you have determined it, understand that he is not the only man out there that has the attributes you seek.
Trialbyfire Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Wanna' be completely shaken up tokyovogue? Here you go. You know that he has a girlfriend but you're still willing to pursue him. What does that say about you? I'm going to expand on this more. Is this the type of person you want to be? Let's pretend that she knew about you but pursued your ex. Do you want to be just like her, fighting for a guy who can be stolen? If you want to steal him back and drop him like a hot rock, I have no issues with that but that's not what you want from him. Let's pretend that she didn't know about you. Do you not care about hurting another person? He's made his choice. Let him live with it.
BCCA Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 I'm going to expand on this more. Is this the type of person you want to be? Let's pretend that she knew about you but pursued your ex. Do you want to be just like her, fighting for a guy who can be stolen? If you want to steal him back and drop him like a hot rock, I have no issues with that but that's not what you want from him. Let's pretend that she didn't know about you. Do you not care about hurting another person? He's made his choice. Let him live with it. Excellent points, I completely agree.
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