another break up

[cocoa]

Dear all,

 

so after a very very long time, I am back here... over another break up with the same guy... i don't know if it means anything to my current situation, but here's my entire story... i guess i'm looking for a place to write it out and get some support and advice

 

i had 2 posts previously on this board on this relationship.

 

to sum it up though. we went out for 2 years. i moved to japan in jan with a 3 year contract.

 

we broke up in march because he has feelings for his friend A, A stops talking to him due to his ex/A's good friend, he gets depressed, end of april i said i think i cannot talk to him anymore if we are not getting back together, he was scared and we got back together.

 

he visited in july, during which he tells me he hung out with another girl, and that he thinks he wants to date other people, i flip out and we broke up, me extremely upset and cried a lot, it hurt him to see me like that, we didn't break up after all.

 

after he left my period was late a few days i was extremely paranoid and emotional, he was very supportive and said things like i can go back and move in with him if i really did get pregnant (i had an abortion with him last year), then thank god my period did come.

 

in september i started getting a vague feeling something is unwell, finally i realize he stopped saying "i love you" and "i miss you"s... i talked over with him almost every weekend on webcam (often starting out with normal daily-life talk and eventually i end depressed and tired)

 

eventually end of september he said he cannot give me affection properly, the talks were making him tired and depressed and he needed a break. unfortunately i had no idea what "a break" constituted or meant so i ended up on many occasions talking to him trying to clarifying what exactly does he need what exactly does it mean.

 

in the beginning i thought it was a "break" but we are still in a relationship and i was all confused and worried i didn't understand the way he understood it. later i found his feelings for A is still not resolved. (between May and July A has postponed her return till next term - jan 2009 and they started talking again which he did tell me about). he said he needed at least until march (to have some time to spend with and get to know A after she goes back).

 

eventually a week ago i lost it and was hysterically crying at times as i talked to him on msn and phoned him. and at the end of it i thought he considered the break more as a break up with the possibility of getting back together. the next morning i was feeling exhausted and i emailed him.

 

he emailed back and said "i say that we can't be together now cause, well like we talked about before, i need to have no reservations about saying i love my gf etc."...."i think i've been fairly honest with you". as i read it i thought: it's true.

 

he is very tactful and tries to be considerate. he has been extraordinarily patient with me during the entire time. i thought he had a hard time having to hurt me too, he did his best, i don't want to make him miserable anymore.

 

 

i guess in that i finally got closure, that i can accept this break up (with the possibility of getting back together) and i hope it happens...

 

 

i will visit home end of december and i will definitely see him. meanwhile it is really hard to commit to No Contact, which i thought i should allow him after his endless patience with me before now. I emailed him that our convention of min 1 email a day will be suspended a few days ago, because i don't want him to email me only out of considerations of my feelings, he didn't email me since. i emailed him today. later he was online but didn't msg or email me back.

 

should i not care and just email him when i want to even if he doesn't reply? or should i use my best strength to stick to No Contact (and lurk around LS a lot in trying to stick to it)? :S

 

he had also agreed to pretend to be my boyfriend in front of my parents and let me sleep at his place when he is home :S i know it must sound crazy, should i forget about these? i really wanted to see him a lot since after this visit, if we are not together he won't be visiting me and it may be another year before i possibly see him again...

 

 

does it seem like it was entirely one-sided i have been the only one chasing him and the relationship and that chased him away? what can i improve on? i'm thinking my moodiness and control over my emotional display, my insecurity and emotional dependency... but then i thought what relationship is it if it doesn't make me emotional when it goes wrong and i do not depend on the other person emotionaly? maybe it is all in keeping it to the appropriate level... difficult stuff...

 

 

Any other comments, advice and observations are welcome too. Thank you very much.

[cocoa]

what i thought: we shouldn't have gotten back together in May. from May to November it was just a dragged out because i was too upset about breaking up and it affected him to try to stay with me, maybe the process has made him really want to be away from me more...

 

i am confused myself, we were great together but he needs to see other people right now and on top of that i am not even there geographically in the near future. even if he comes around next year for me i don't know if we should get back together when i don't know what i will do in my future.

 

but to accept we will not be together for years would just increase the likelihood this will just be the end

[Geishawhelk]

Never 'go back'.

Unless you've worked through counselling, on the issues that doomed the relationship the first time, history will repeat itself.

We rarely - if ever - learn from our mistakes.