Never Been More Stressed

[OldRoadster]

I've been married for just over 8 years to a woman I am not sure I still love. We only dated for 4 months and married after knowing each other 10 months. Now we have a 6 yr old and 4 yr old. I think we rushed because we both wanted to be married and have a family. We're now both in our very early 40's.

 

We have different interests, few in common. I feel like our kids are picking up on the fact that there is a constant quiet tension between us. But we don't really fight in front of the kids, maybe occasional arguments.

 

We are in MC, and this is the third time for us to go through this in our marriage.

 

Her biggest complaints about me are that I don't help her enough either around the house or with parenting, but I disagree. She works part time, so I don't think that an even split is equitable. I prepare breakfast in the mornings and make dinner 1-2 times/wk. Help with dishes, laundry, etc. We both put the kids to bed every night, alternating between the two. And I take care of all the outdoor and home related things, and I'm very handy.

 

As far as I know she's never cheated and neither have I. But lately I can't help but look at other women. Our sex life is all but non-existent. Maybe once every 3 months (3 times in 2008 if memory serves). I can't live like this - I need to be in a loving relationship and believe that I deserve to be. Yet I am terrified of how a divorce will affect my children and my relationship with them. I'm at a point where I don't know how many more days I can go on like this, and yet I want to be here with my children Christmas morning.

 

She has a bit of a gambling problem and has lost tens of thousands of dollars, but that may be put to rest after the last losing trip. But that isn't why we drifted apart. We have drifted so far apart that we barely talk. We're like roommates.

 

I have moments where I think it's got to be over because in all my worrying I never seem to worry about losing her. Instead I worry about losing the other aspects of our life. Our house, the relationship I have with my children, the relationships I have with members of her family, etc.

 

What's worse is that we work for the same company, although not at the same location. Many colleagues know both of us.

 

This has been so stressful for me for so long that it has caused some health related problems. I've discussed with my doctor and now I'm taking an anti-depressant and a sleep aid, but this can't be a long term solution. I'd rather be in a happier living situation.

 

Sorry to go on so long, but I wanted to tell the whole story. Boy am I in a mess...

[sadintexas]

I'm a big believer that life is too short to be unhappy. Now, it isn't that simple because you have to work at being happy. Only you can decide what is ultimately right for you.

 

One thing that bugs me is when people stay together "for the sake of the kids". That's perfectly great if the partners can put a concerted effort into repairing their marriage and being happy and being a family. But when things go on like what you described, I think ultimately neither of you are doing the kids any favors. Part of your responsibility as a parent is to teach them about love and respect and what marriage is supposed to be about. If they see you work through your issues and overcome, that's a positive thing. If they see you give up and live like roommates, it's not so good.

 

Having said that, there are many here who advocate a program by marriage builders. It might be worth a shot to check that out and see if it helps you and your wife identify and work on your issues. I think at the very least, some of their exercises can help each of you see if you are compatible, and if you are willing to take the necessary steps to repair your marriage.

[Fearful Wife]

OldRoadster, I know you wouldn't be posting here unless you were in a considerable amount of pain. That's how I came here, anyway.

 

The first thing you should know is that you are not alone, and that you have options. I applaud you for addressing your health issues. It's good to hear you are taking care of your health. It's also important that you've acknowledged you need intimacy in your life. I'm sure you have other needs that are not being met and counseling is a good way to define them. It's good that you are in MC, and I recommend IC (individual counseling), too.

 

You say you got married to have a family, and you still have that, though not in the shape you need. I think of family partly as a care and support network. Who else do you have? Do you have good friends you can count on? Family members outside your marriage? When I reached a crisis in my marriage, reaching out to friends and family was crucial for me.

 

Have you and your wife talked about trying to be more intimate? If you were to do more housework, would she be more interested in intimacy. You may view her work as part-time, but it's possible she views it as full-time (part-time at the office, part-time at home taking care of the children, the household, running errands, etc.). It's also possible that she views your efforts to help out as expressions of love, and your unwillingness to do more as massive "Love Bank withdrawals," to quote marriagebuilders.com. If you're unwilling to do more, does that mean you don't love her? How does she suggest you divide the work?

 

In MC, which is a safe and neutral place, have you said that the lack of intimacy and other problems are driving you to look at other women? Chances are she is doing the same. This is a signal that the two of you need to make some decisions before you take looking a step further.

 

I know you're afraid of hurting your children, but if your divorce means they get to have happy parents again, maybe that would be worth it. I remember at age 7 being happy my parents were getting divorced because it meant no more unhappiness and fighting.

 

I totally hear your fear of losing the benefits of your marriage. That's one of the main reasons for my user name, lol. I'm in the process of re-evaluating my marriage, too. I went through a period where I was overwhelmed with thoughts of all I would lose. But I eventually came to the conclusion that while some things may be lost, others would be gained. I think whatever you decide, you won't "lose" your relationship with your children, friends or colleagues. Instead those relationships will change into something different, because you'll be different. Those relationships may even be better because you might again have the capacity for great joy.

 

Just move slowly and give yourself time to think about all your options. What does your W want, besides more help around the house?

 

I would also like to briefly address the gambling problem. While I haven't had direct experience with gambling, I've heard it is an addiction like alcoholism, which makes it hard for me to believe she will actually "put it to rest." She may also be using it to medicate herself because she's unhappy with other parts of her life, and that is not acceptable.

 

I think you could possibly throw down the gauntlet in MC and say something like this: "We are both unhappy in our lives and in our relationship right now. I know you want me to help around the house more, and I might be willing to do that, but I need to see some changes from you as well. Your gambling is unacceptable to me. If we continue to live like roommates, barely talking, our relationship will continue to deteriorate until one of us leaves. We need to communicate more and start putting forth some solutions to our problems."

 

OldRoadster, I wish you the very best as you take the next steps.

[OldRoadster]

I'm back here seeking comfort. Misery loves company, or is it that I'm still overwhelmed with my difficult situation and I'm desperately hoping for advice?

 

I have some updates that may help. I've been looking at profiles on dating web sites. This started several weeks back when during an argument she asked me to move out and stay with a friend for a few days. I decided that if my marriage was ending, well, who else is out there? As it turns out there are a LOT of other women out there - and that is just the ones with picture profiles that I find attractive and interesting.

 

Then I discover that she has setup a dinner with another man. I used this as an excuse to meet a woman for drinks, and kissed her afterward. My W doesn't know about this, and I haven't seen her again. I had told her I was separated but that it was very recent and that now I've moved back home to get through the holidays for the children.

 

We've both gotten so emotionally detached and the other night she said she could no longer stand the sight of me. I know that checking out personals is not healthy for my marriage, but I justified it to myself because of what I was going through. I was just getting a head start I thought. I've stopped doing that, but the woman I met wants to remain in contact with me.

 

I've looked at two apartments and was 99% sure I'd soon put a deposit on one of them and move in Jan 1. But last night I had sex with my wife for the first time in six months. I think it clouds the issue. Here I am planning my departure and then that.

 

To me, we're still in an unhappy marriage. To her, I think she feels like we're all better now. I plan to tell her tonight that I'm still unhappy.

 

Then I read things on here about when you know it's over like 'when you would rather be apart than with your spouse'. If I'm completely honest, I'd prefer to stay in my home with my children and everything else, and find a new wife. Does that make me an ass?

 

When I visualize my future, my wife doesn't leap to the front of my mind. I think part of it is the financial disaster that awaits - if I won the lottery I wonder if that would be the spark to make me leave.

 

I'm still in an unhappy place, and any feedback is greatly appreciated.

[pelicanpreacher]

The fact that you recognized that a problem exists and took pre-emptive steps to countermand ill effects for yourself tells me that you're proactive in nature while still remaining introspective about assessing your situation before making any knee-jerk reactions (tis explains your visit to LS, yes?) The thing that springs to mind about your situation is the fact that you haven't mentioned anything about what actions she's taken, what intervention you've imparted to curb her gambling problem, or where you've discovered from whence it emminates. This is very telling to me for often it is the case that when one feels unequally yoked that the surging partner grows resentment for the one lagging while the one lagging may be doing so out of their own ingrained resentments as well.

 

Your complaints about her complaints are but a mere smokescreen to me at the moment for they don't measure up to why there seems to be a complete lack of intimacy in your marriage. Women, being more emotional and compassionate then men, tend to withdraw intimacy when they percieve a lack of spirited devotion and romantic desire for their personage on her man's part. Their emotional attachment dies soon thereafter. Left in this state for too long they tend to twirl in their own orbits while buttressing themselves against what they perceive as rejection of their beauty and being only to begin wandering their minds in boredom's search of relief which can often lead to self-destructive behavior on their part, ie excessive gambling, affair(s), alcohol and drug abuse, and etc...

 

There's a lot you're not telling us so I'll continue to reserve my suggestions until you've completely spilled the beans!

[OldRoadster]

I'm not sure what else folks think I'm withholding, but I've been reading some other discussions here and I see that information seems to trickle out over time in some of them -- to me, I find that my perspective as a reader following the thread seems to be like that of a passenger on a rollercoaster.

 

I don't believe that there has been any infidelity. I'm pretty weak in that regard at the moment because I'm unable to get within sight of any female without checking her out thoroughly. I'd likely be unable to decline the advances of an interested female. So far I've simply kept myself out of compromising situations, except for the one I mentioned, but there has been NC for some time now and none anticipated.

 

My W hasn't really taken any actions because she thinks it all rests with me. I'm on medication because I couldn't deal with the stress of being around her, but that is my problem not hers. I'm helping out more around the house but it has no impact on the level of intimacy nor the general level of cleanliness.

 

I'm not sure that I know how she feels because one day she can't stand me anymore, or says she has given up, or talks of her need to plan for me not being around because I'll be leaving her soon. The next day she wants to try, doesn't want me to go, still loves me, etc. Maybe she acts this way because she doesn't know what she wants. A close friend believes that she wants to drive me away so that I'm the one that left, and this could explain her unwillingness to accept any part of the blame.

 

I'm not saying I'm perfect, and surely I've contributed to the current state of our relationship. I think it's mostly her and partly me, but she thinks it is all me.

 

I think I've told the full story, but I'd be happy to answer any questions if I've left anything unclear.

[Owl]

You found out that she setup dinner with another man, and your only response was to do the same thing with a woman you met online?

 

Regardless, the solution here is simple...if not easy.

 

You know what you NEED from her. What have you done to insist that you get it? Have you started MC? Created an environment where the two of you can openly and honestly talk about the problem, and discuss whether or not the marriage is salvageable? Have you made it crystal clear to your wife that you're upset to the point of possible divorce/infidelity? Does she clearly "get" how YOU feel about things?

 

The first step in fixing a problem is clearly communicating what that problem is, and what the possible solutions are. Have you done that?

 

The next step is to come up with a gameplan...WITH your wife...on how to solve the problem. Have you done that?

 

Next is to implement the plan and changes.

 

If you can't work through this WITH her...a marriage counselor can help you get to that point. If THAT fails...divorce always remains an option, but at least then you'll know that you did YOUR part.

 

What have you actively DONE to solve these issues?

[OldRoadster]

You found out that she setup dinner with another man, and your only response was to do the same thing with a woman you met online?

No, it wasn't my only response...

You know what you NEED from her. What have you done to insist that you get it? Have you started MC? Created an environment where the two of you can openly and honestly talk about the problem, and discuss whether or not the marriage is salvageable? Have you made it crystal clear to your wife that you're upset to the point of possible divorce/infidelity? Does she clearly "get" how YOU feel about things?

Yes. As I wrote in the original post we have been in MC (for a while now, and this is our third time in 8 yrs). We've discussed our issues, and I have made it clear that I'm frustrated to the point of possible divorce. We had all but decided on a separation but then agreed we should get through the holidays for the kids' sake first and then see where we are.

 

The first step in fixing a problem is clearly communicating what that problem is, and what the possible solutions are. Have you done that?

 

The next step is to come up with a gameplan...WITH your wife...on how to solve the problem. Have you done that?

 

Next is to implement the plan and changes.

 

If you can't work through this WITH her...a marriage counselor can help you get to that point. If THAT fails...divorce always remains an option, but at least then you'll know that you did YOUR part.

 

What have you actively DONE to solve these issues?

I've been trying my best to do more, go out of my way to be affectionate, complimentary, etc. Things seem to be improving some, but I fear it is short lived. The only way to find that out is a wait and see approach. But the difficult part is that I'm not sure I can get my heart back to where it once was. I just don't know for sure that I can again be truly happy with this woman. I feel like I owe her the opportunity, and yet I feel like I'm wasting my time when I should be putting this all behind me as soon as possible so I can complete the emotional healing and get on with life...

 

Thus the high level of stress.

[LEANER1]

Hey man. You have to do what you feel is right. It ususally is much harder to do what's right than to sit and do nothing. It sounds like you both put the children first and that is a good thing. The house and all other material things can and will be replaced, but every good man with a good heart, should have a good woman beside him in life. It sounds like the kids will be able to deal with an amicable divorce. Unless you and the wife truly hate each other, do not worry about the children, you are their father and they will always love and respect you. I have no children in my marriage but as far as your health goes I am in the same boat. I just started taking sleeping pills to try and get a good nights sleep. I truly hope this helps, even a little. leaner

[FreeWoman]

I feel for you, Roadster. I've been married 14 years with 2 kids and I'm stuck between doing what I feel is the best to and holding out hope that my H has really changed and my feelings for him will be revived.

 

Best of luck!