How do they do it?

[Surfer Dude]

I've actually figured out why and how people do the whole checking out thing. You see, human beings are naturally selfish, that comes from primal instincts of self preservation and the tendency to always do what's best for them (or what they think is the best) at some point.

 

When someone falls out of love, they have two choices: either break everything off immediately or stay with their partner while their cooling period / checking out period lasts.

 

Now, the dumper figures it's better for him/her to check out slowly, because they don't want to experience the pain of a sudden and abrupt breakup. Regardless of their choice how to break up, we are going to be hurt in the end. So they take the easier road to make the breakup easy on themselves. We never get that benefit, but they don't really care, because like I said, they're doing it as a selfish act of self preservation.

 

If someone asked you "do you want to feel the pain or not?", what would you choose?

 

True love can beat primal selfishness and urges, it's something that human beings developed after the whole animal stage. The problem is, is your partner capable of feeling such true love that beats their ego and overcomes it?

 

Anyways, sorry if my post looks like a bunch of nonsense. I haven't got sleep all night and I have an exam early in the morning...

[Just_dealin_with_it]

Unfortunately if you have any sort of expectations of the person you are with, even when times are tough, you still expect them to do right by you. You don't expect that they are going to be looking elsewhere for your replacement. You also do not expect them to cheat, which is absurd (sad to say it) based on what we all hear and see in society and read on L.S. everyday. Cheating, looking out for one's self, and disregarding others seems to be a norm (trying not to be to pessimistic here). Especially after you've been hurt or disappointed a time or two. I suppose its a defense mechanism to protect yourself from that hurt nobody likes to feel. If you have someone new to focus on, they can be like the band aid or stitch that holds the wound closed, and thus it heals faster (sometimes... guess it can backfire on some). People commit all kinds of infidelity, especially when they are becoming unhappy in a relationship. Even if its just testing the waters with someone new to see if it has any legs, while the other person is generally oblivious to it. It really sucks because there are some who don't do this, but it can happen to anyone, and I suppose to some extent we are all capable of doing wrong to the ones we love in some way or another. In break ups there always seems to be one feels it more than the other, I guess thats me in this case.

 

EmperorR,

I'm getting everything you're saying, I had to practically give up my friends that were girls too. It still wasn't enough. I always hung out with her and her friends, even this became a problem because she doesn't trust her own friends, so if I had a 10 min conversation with one her friends and she wasn't included(unintentionally), it was a potential problem. I stuck it out too because I thought I loved her enough to get through whatever the current issue was. Should have trusted my gut, and nipped it in the bud, before things got to serious.

 

I also got the friends line too. She actually made an effort in the beginning to remain friends. She contacted me every few days just to see how I was doing. Like an idiot I thought I could handle this. Of course, this dropped off as things picked up with the turd she's dating now. I suppose I let it happen b/c my denial didn't allow me to acknowledge that I really was looking for a way back in. Trying to be friends, especially right after the break up is a mistake. Unless you have absolutely no emotional ties to that person, remaining friends can only lead to more pain and disappointment.

 

I guess the signs were there, just gotta follow 'em better next time... I suppose then we'll be the a**holes and they'll be writing on L.S. about us.

[msjules]

Sometimes I wish my former boyfriend had left me for someone else. Instead he left because he lost his job and is humiliated about it. He is also doing the Atkins diet (he seriously needs to lose at least 100 lbs) and was finding it hard to lose weight and be in a relationship. He cut out all of his friends, kicked his nephew out of his house (nephew had been there going to college) and isolated himself from everyone.

 

I know there is no one else in his life because, and this is terrible to say, but I don't think anyone else would look twice at him right now. He is just that overweight, and unemployed men don't exactly pull in the ladies.

 

So he left me for no one. In some ways that hurts more than if there had been someone else.

 

I am a reasonably attractive woman who is of average weight, too. I treated him like a king.........giving him pedicures because he couldn't reach his toenails to cut them. I gave him all I had to give and even his friends tell him he will never have the kind of relationship again that he had with me. If he wanted free time to golf or hang with his friends watching football, he got it. I adored him. And he left anyway. It sucks.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

Sorry to hear it msjules,

 

Your situation seems rather odd, compared to most of the things you read here on LS. I guess any break up sucks no matter how it ends and the reasons behind it. The worst thing is, none of us can control the thoughts and decisions of others, so all we can do is deal with what's happening in the present. In your case, since you were so good and did not do anything wrong, maybe he'll come back around. If he does, for his sake, hopefully you'll be willing to give things another try. Sounds like he could use good people in his life right now.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

I've actually figured out why and how people do the whole checking out thing. You see, human beings are naturally selfish, that comes from primal instincts of self preservation and the tendency to always do what's best for them (or what they think is the best) at some point.

 

When someone falls out of love, they have two choices: either break everything off immediately or stay with their partner while their cooling period / checking out period lasts.

 

Now, the dumper figures it's better for him/her to check out slowly, because they don't want to experience the pain of a sudden and abrupt breakup. Regardless of their choice how to break up, we are going to be hurt in the end. So they take the easier road to make the breakup easy on themselves. We never get that benefit, but they don't really care, because like I said, they're doing it as a selfish act of self preservation.

 

If someone asked you "do you want to feel the pain or not?", what would you choose?

 

True love can beat primal selfishness and urges, it's something that human beings developed after the whole animal stage. The problem is, is your partner capable of feeling such true love that beats their ego and overcomes it?

 

Anyways, sorry if my post looks like a bunch of nonsense. I haven't got sleep all night and I have an exam early in the morning...

 

I think you're right on here, couldn't have said it better myself. Sucks though b/c it makes me feel that at the end of the day, people always put themselves before others (when the chips are down). Not a good quality for a successful relationship.

[northstar1]

I've actually figured out why and how people do the whole checking out thing. You see, human beings are naturally selfish, that comes from primal instincts of self preservation and the tendency to always do what's best for them (or what they think is the best) at some point.

 

When someone falls out of love, they have two choices: either break everything off immediately or stay with their partner while their cooling period / checking out period lasts.

 

Now, the dumper figures it's better for him/her to check out slowly, because they don't want to experience the pain of a sudden and abrupt breakup. Regardless of their choice how to break up, we are going to be hurt in the end. So they take the easier road to make the breakup easy on themselves. We never get that benefit, but they don't really care, because like I said, they're doing it as a selfish act of self preservation.

 

If someone asked you "do you want to feel the pain or not?", what would you choose?

 

True love can beat primal selfishness and urges, it's something that human beings developed after the whole animal stage. The problem is, is your partner capable of feeling such true love that beats their ego and overcomes it?

 

Anyways, sorry if my post looks like a bunch of nonsense. I haven't got sleep all night and I have an exam early in the morning...

 

Also, men and women are wired differently from my experience in what i've seen.

If a woman is doubting the relationship or her feelings, they will spend a lot of time analyzing it, talking to their friends, family etc. It could take weeks or months. The rarely will make a quick impulsive decision. By the time they've come to the conclusion they want out, they've already done the mental work of emotionally detaching. So when they break up, they've already bargained with the decision being what they want, and so that is why it seems that female dumpers seem to move on faster - a lot of their 'coping' took place before the relationship even ended.

Men tend to make more impulsive decisions. They may figure something isn't working, and pull the plug without truly thinking about feelings, or the consequences, or they've just supressed their emotions. And that is when, after the breakup, a lot of men will realize it wasn't what they wanted, and then comes the emotional breakdown when they try and figure out what happened, or if they made a mistake.

[msjules]

Sorry to hear it msjules,

 

Your situation seems rather odd, compared to most of the things you read here on LS. I guess any break up sucks no matter how it ends and the reasons behind it. The worst thing is, none of us can control the thoughts and decisions of others, so all we can do is deal with what's happening in the present. In your case, since you were so good and did not do anything wrong, maybe he'll come back around. If he does, for his sake, hopefully you'll be willing to give things another try. Sounds like he could use good people in his life right now.

 

 

Thank you for those words, they are very helpful.

 

It has been a 2.5 months since I've seen him and two months and a week since he left. I have not heard from him since November 10. I will not take him back and even though we were friends for 3.5 years before we started dating, I don't think I want to be friends with him either. Maybe in several months.

 

He messed with my head in a major way just before he broke up with me and he is going to have to apologize for what he did. He betrayed my trust after years of trying to get it. We could have made things work --- I don't think he loved me enough to even try. It seems to me that if he loved me as he said he did his pride wouldn't have gotten in the way and he would have tried harder with his diet. He was succeeding and losing weight and he still left. To h$ll with him. He hurt me and now we are both doing NC on each other and it is, I guess, for the best.

[replicator]

I've actually figured out why and how people do the whole checking out thing. You see, human beings are naturally selfish, that comes from primal instincts of self preservation and the tendency to always do what's best for them (or what they think is the best) at some point.

 

When someone falls out of love, they have two choices: either break everything off immediately or stay with their partner while their cooling period / checking out period lasts.

 

Now, the dumper figures it's better for him/her to check out slowly, because they don't want to experience the pain of a sudden and abrupt breakup. Regardless of their choice how to break up, we are going to be hurt in the end. So they take the easier road to make the breakup easy on themselves. We never get that benefit, but they don't really care, because like I said, they're doing it as a selfish act of self preservation.

 

If someone asked you "do you want to feel the pain or not?", what would you choose?

 

True love can beat primal selfishness and urges, it's something that human beings developed after the whole animal stage. The problem is, is your partner capable of feeling such true love that beats their ego and overcomes it?

 

Anyways, sorry if my post looks like a bunch of nonsense. I haven't got sleep all night and I have an exam early in the morning...

 

True love does beat selfishness. I've witnessed this myself to believe it.

 

For whatever reason, the other person wasn't capable of loving us the way we wanted them to. They may have been selfish, cowardly, and even cruel, but the bottom line is they weighed the cost of hurting us vs satisfying their needs and they found it was easier to let us down. Real love shouldn't hurt like this, and perhaps they felt that way at one point, but it's lost now

 

Although I was so angry after my ex betrayed me, after some time passed, I realized that I still loved her but I didn't need her. I hope she finds happiness - with or without me. All I can do is focus on myself, and try to get my head out of the past. It's not easy to move on, but it's a necessary step that will make us stronger and more resilient.

 

Have fun on your exam

[TeaAbraham]

Very good observation surfer dude. If it ever happened to me again I would probably bring it up with my partner right away instead of checking out slowly.