Engaged Guy needs

[JohnSmith442]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first time posting, as I feel as though I really need some other views on my current relationship. I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years, engaged for about 15 months. We met in college and lived in the same dorm for 2.5 years, allowing us to spend lots of time together. Then she decided to pursue and move to Grad School, while I pursued a really great job opportunity. We stayed together long distance for another 2 years, and we would rotate driving to each other on the weekend (3 hour drive, but I'd say I did the driving about 80% of the time, was tiring). We always talked on the phone and AIM.

 

I decided to propose to her since we had already talked about everything you could possibly talk about as a couple (marriage, kids, house, everything). I decided to leave my job to move with her to the city we met in for college as she had wanted to live there again, I even passed on a promotion in the process. In some ways, I felt like I was not pursuing my career to the fullest because of that, but I got over that quickly when I found another great job. We have now been living together for about 5 months.

 

To give you some back story on the two of us, we're both almost 25, she grew up in a very small town, had a traumatic and abusive childhood, and her single and abusive mother raised her paycheck to paycheck. I grew up in a decent sized suburb, with a middle class stable family. She has had a couple relationships of 2 or so years (along with some other shorter ones) before dating me, while this was my first real relationship and partner. We were friends (although I always had a thing for her) for about a year before dating. There was a period of about 3 months where we didn't speak due to a falling out that was nothing major, but we quickly realized how much we enjoyed each other. We started having sex about 3 months into the relationship, and while it was never a ton, it was steady. Over time, it became less and less, and she claimed she was having problems due to her childhood abuse. I was always very supportive and tried my best not to pressure her, but at the same time I always wanted more romance and affection (and in some ways I did pressure her passively). We have not had sex now in 3 months, and barely touch or kiss, basically roommates. The wedding is this summer, and I think we're both having second thoughts (I have to believe in some ways this is normal). She feels trapped, and I am wondering if things will ever get better romantically. She has always had very severe PMS and that has not helped (and yes it is worse than the average woman). She has a great sense of humor, is smart, beautiful and I love her very much, but am finding myself less in-love with her because of the physical aspect lacking. I need affection and want to be intimate, period. She sometimes will call me needy and get mad at me over this. Personally I think she has developed a physical aversion to me because she says she dislikes sex (due to her childhood abuse) and associates me with that. I have thought about leaving, but wonder if I'm being selfish and unsupportive. I think about stupid things like the lease we're stuck in and our puppy we have to talk myself out of it sometimes or say I'll wait and see how things go. She is seeing a therapist about her depression and OCD she also has, but things don't seem to be progressing yet. The wedding is this summer, and I'm not sure what to do. If I ask to postpone, she will surely take that as me not going to ever want to marry her. On the other hand, I know she has thought about leaving as well, but I believe she is scared because financially it would be hard for her to support herself. We bicker and fight almost daily and things ranging from cleaning, to taking care of the dog, to he said she said. It is not a good living situation right now.

 

I am not religious at all, and she has moved away from hers as well. I do not want to speak with anyone affiliated with the church for pre-marrital counseling. However, I have brought up to her that I think we should do pre-marrital counseling with someone not affiliated with the church. I think she took this as if we need counseling, we must be in bad shape. I have searched and have been unable to find who would provide these services. I asked her to ask her therapist if he could recommend anyone, but she always "forgets".

 

So please, I'm sure I'm forgetting something--questions, advice, anything.

 

Thanks.

[Geishawhelk]

If you lived in the UK I could point you in the right direction........

[norajane]

I think she took this as if we need counseling, we must be in bad shape

You ARE in bad shape. She's distant with her affection and sexual intimacy, and you are losing your attraction to her. You fight all the time. She feels trapped. She has depression, OCD, painful PMS, and childhood sexual abuse. She has a physical aversion to you. ANd she's not interested in going to pre-marital counseling with you.

 

And this is how things are BEFORE you're married. Things DO NOT get better after marriage!

 

Find a marriage counselor. They can do the pre-marital counseling for you as well...these are all the SAME issues you will have after marriage, so it doesn't matter what the counselor is called. If she won't go, go by yourself. That will help you sort out what is important, what is most painful for you, and what you can and can't live with. But if she won't go with you, I'd suggest you not get married. Issues cannot be resolved unless BOTH people work on them.

[Ronni_W]

Try searching 'relationship counseling' or 'couples' counseling'.

 

It sounds as if your relationship can use some counseling even if there was no wedding date. She may be more receptive to the idea if you suggest it from the perspective of wanting to build on and strengthen what you two already have, wanting to add to your relationship skills and "tool box", doing everything to ensure a lasting, successful, happy relationship, etc., etc.

 

marriagebuilders.com also has excellent articles and questionnaires that could help you guys start to communicate more effectively.

 

Possibly even it WILL be a good idea to postpone the wedding date until she has worked longer with her therapist to overcome her childhood abuse.

 

Yes, she may feel disappointed and perceive your wants/needs in a way that misses your underlying fears and intentions, but...well, her reaction is gonna be what it is and that doesn't mean you ought to pretend that your fears do not exist. They are real and valid, and need to be expressed before rather than after the wedding ceremony.

[Walk]

She feels trapped, and I am wondering if things will ever get better romantically.

 

I would like to know more about this statement above. Seems like this is highly relevant to the other issues going on in the relatinoship. If she feel's "trapped", then it'll cause her to create distance, she'll push you away both physically and emotionally.

 

The issues you're having with sex and affection won't improve until you two get to the underlying problems.. whether that's her abusive childhood, or something to do with her statement about feeling trapped.

 

This is my opinion .... she was comfortable enough to have sex with you for several years prior to the engagement. Which makes me believe that the abuse isn't the big reason behind why physical intimacy completely dried up. I think it's a good excuse and you won't look too hard at it. You'll take it at face value and believe it's the cause. Because honestly, you'd have to be one severely insensitive and rude jerk to suggest her abuse didn't stop her from being physically intimate prior to 3 months ago. And since you're a good guy, her 'abuse' reason is the thickest wall she could possibly erect between the two of you.

 

It seems more likely to me that she's giving you a half truth. Abuse from her past may create issues with intimacy in your relationship... but I believe the current problem has more to do with the "trapped" statement then abuse that happened over a decade ago. (unless you know of something recently that would have triggered this?)

 

Also, If you continue to bend over backwards to do whatever she says she wants, then you aren't attending to the things you need for your life.

 

You said you take pride in your career, that it's important to you. Yet you dropped it to move closer to your fiance. That's noble, but you keep playing the part of the insecure guy who would drop everything for her. That's not... healthy. You've set a precident where what she wants is given greater weight then what you want. Your future and your path in life is dictated by her happiness, not your own.

 

This is going to be hard to hear, but it's difficult to respect someone who doesn't display a sense of self-worth. You want her. That's clear. But you'd sacrifice your own happiness just to keep her. That can make a person feel indentured to you. She can't leave. She can't even bring up issues that would suggest she might leave over them. It would cut you so deep that instead of discussing the issue with her, you'd be mired in the pain of her potentially leaving. You two can't sit down and have a rational, calm discussion about issues she is having with you without your entire world being ripped to shreds. You've based your happiness on being with her. So I think she's shielding you from the truth by blaming the problem solely on her abusive past.

 

You need to stop clinging so tightly to her. You seem to believe that you'll only be happy if she's in your life. Yet, you're unhappy with her there. She feels trapped, and it's clear that she's pointed at as the reason for all the problems in the relationship.

 

Relationships require balance. And I don't see that yours has it. Both of you have issues to resolve before marriage. And the only way both of you are going to get to a point where the relationship is mutually satisfying is if you acknowledge that the relationship is going to die if you don't fix it. Both of you seem to be coasting along waiting for life to take you where it will... that just means the relationship will die a slow painful death. Do something. Drag her to couples counseling and get to the heart of the issues. Bring up issues that are painful to both of you. Talk about what's going on, and make it clear that you're open to hearing negatives about yourself. Be open minded, be rational, and stay calm... but let her know that the relationship will end if you two don't fix this.

 

If you aren't willing to stand up for what you want, why should she work to change so you'll be happy?

[Mary3]

Very well spoken Walk .

 

Her abuse leads to her other problems but her sexual rejection of you speaks VOLUMES !

 

You can't think this will all disappear after you Marry ?

 

She needs deep help. Even with intense help does not mean she will magically be cured and remember a happy childhood.

 

I honestly suggest you do NOT marry her. Maybe a year from now see how she progresses in therapy then base your decision from there...

[NMGirl]

Hi! I really feel for you in this situation and decided to write because I come from a similar background as your GF and have struggled with similar issues. First, it's good that she has a therapist. I would consider the possibility that she might have PMDD, which is a more severe form of PMS and can be treated with medication. I have this and it really ruins your life and the medication has been really helpful to me. Can you suggest this to her?

 

Next, maybe this is unusual advice, but don't be a doormat. I know that I don't like a guy who is a pushover, I like it when a man is strong, but not a bully. I think for me the best thing to do when anyone is feeling insecure is to be reassured. Sometimes people, especially when they come from an abusive background, don't understand that they are even loveable and when someone does love them they can try to drive that person away to bring their life into alignment with the beliefs that they grew up with, ie that they are horrible and deserve abuse not love. Be strong and reassuring, but not a weak when it comes to setting limits for yourself.

 

Regarding your sex life, again therapy is key, but you may want to try couples and/or someone specifically trained in sex therapy. I would take the lead and set up appointments for these myself if she is "forgetful."

 

Also, are there non-physical ways that you can be affectionate? What about writing notes or giving romantic gestures? I would say don't "overdo" it, but do make an effort to show affection in other small ways. Also, hugging is a great way to get close, maybe start with that and build from there.

 

You sound like a great guy, sorry this has been so difficult for you. Try to take care of yourself, get support from friends and family, and if you don't have an individual therapist, I think even a few sessions with the right person can help. Best of luck with everything, I'll be praying for you!