MIL & SIL... I seriously cannot take anymore!

[luigie822]

I'm seriously considering leaving my hubby and I told him we should separate last night. It absolutely broke my heart, because we are happy together... he's my best friend!

 

If it were just he and I, we could make this marriage work - no problem. But his mother and sister have managed to wreak havoc... to the point where I want nothing to do with them ever again! And I certainly don't want to have children where they will be exposed to these toxic, crazy people.

 

To give you a taste, I'll explain a bit of what I'm dealing with. SIL is 31, married for 2 years with a 1-1/2yo son. They live with her mom (my MIL), in her basement. This is not due to a medical or financial reason... it's simply because SIL can't cut the cord. GOD FORBID her hubby grow a pair and tell her HE WANTS OUT (which I know he does), for then he would face BOTH of their wraths! MIL has chastised him several times in front of their entire family (myself included) and SIL allows this. She and her mother have such an alliance, it's disturbing. MIL has actually said, "we share him," in regard to SIL's hubby, as well as "he better not be smoking, or I'll kill him!". TELL ME THAT'S NOT F'D UP!

 

In regard to me, I've experienced the gamut: they're snide, rude, condesending. MIL outright picks on me for my weight (I'm in shape and work for it, dammit... it's not my fault MIL and SIL are both overweight). This includes her actually pulling on my pants and saying disapprovingly, "look, your pants are falling off of you," which they weren't - they just weren't skin-tight like hers. Constant guilt-trips about not seeing them enough (which when my hubby FINALLY called her on it, she said "that's just how we are, you just need to accept it!"). They ignore me by only greeting my hubby. When I take the initiative to say, "Hi MIL/SIL, how are you?" SIL outright blows me off and mumbles something unintelligble while walking away.

 

THE KICKER... I threw a birthday party for my hubby, like I do every year. I usually take a vacation day before hand, so I can ensure my house is clean from top to bottom, lest I be judged a slob (which I'm not - I just want to avoid any further judgement from these people). Anyway, despite a number of offensive things done, the worst came at the end of the evening. I was in the garage with my hubby and SIL's hubby, taking a sanity break, and one of the guests came out to ask me for a dustbuster. I asked what she needed it for, and she said it wasn't a big deal, but SIL's son broke 3 glass coasters. I knew a dustbuster couldn't handle that, so I went in to assess the damage. Thankfully, her son wasn't hurt. Apparently he threw the coasters behind an endtable, which shattered into a million pieces. I got out the vacuum, moved the chair and endtable and cleaned up the mess. MIL stood there and watched me, then asked me where I got them. I told her, and then said I did not want them to replace them and that it wasn't a big deal (I didn't even like the coasters, to be honest). SIL comes into the room, MIL tells here where I got them and she rudely remarks, "oh, we'll take it out of his college fund." She didn't even look me in the eye, much less mutter a simple apology.

 

That was it - I spent the next half hour crying in the bathroom. And thankfully, everyone left after that.

 

I don't know what I did to make them treat me this way. This is the first time either of us have been married, and we've always been happy together. I never cheated on him, I work full-time and contribute to our lifestyle. I tried so hard to keep the peace with these people but I'M DONE being abused. I'M DONE taking their sh*t with a smile on my face.

 

Hubby finally took a stand and called his sister on it. They got into a huge fight, where his sister renounced all responsibility. Hubby is losing his steam, and now just wants to make peace. He doesn't want to fight with his family, and I can't ask him to. I think the best way to handle this is to just bow out gracefully.

[blair08]

JMO, but I don't think you should tell your husband you want out of the marriage over your MIL and SIL. The issue is with them, not your husband right?

 

I can understand also, if your husband was not backing you up in how you feel, or not taking a stand to talk to his sister and mother. You did say he called his sister out on what happened.

 

Maybe you, your husband and MIL&SIL should sit down and have a talk. Point blank ask them why they feel the need to do this or that. Or course, I'm sure they will give you a crap story, but maybe its best to consider the source of things. Are they unhappy people anyway? Insecure? My guess is maybe that's where it comes froms, I don't know for sure. Sometimes its best to ignore people like that the best you can. (I know that is hard, and easier said than done.) If they know they are getting to you, they are more likely to continue with what they are doing.

 

Remember, if you choose to leave your marriage, you are leaving it over 2 other people that you're not even married to. Plus you are leaving what may be a wonderful, loving, caring relationship all because two other people want to be immature. If you leave, they win!

[RecordProducer]

MIL tells here where I got them and she rudely remarks, "oh, we'll take it out of his college fund."

Hahah! That's actually quite funny.

 

To tell you the truth, I didn't quite get the picture from your post, but I'll believe you on your word that they don't treat you well.

I don't know what I did to make them treat me this way.

You married their property.

 

I think the best way to handle this is to just bow out gracefully.

The truly best way is for you to NOT care about what they say or think or do. But that's very difficult...

 

I don't think putting up with their crap will help you. They will abuse you for as long as they can afford it. You have to put your foot down. I've had a similar problem and when I opened my mouth, they left me alone. I was the bad guy, but I saved my sanity. My husband resents me for that, but a husband is replaceable - my nerves aren't.

[luigie822]

Oh, hubby knows they are the reason I want out. We have had numerous discussions about it. He knows what they've done and why I feel they way I do.

 

The problem is he doesn't want to deal with their reaction of calling them on everything. He called SIL on a few things, and she completely FREAKED. I could hear her screaming at him on the phone from the other room. He will not speak to his mother about any of this and doing so would result in her crying to guilt her way out of it. He doesn't want to deal with it, even though he sees what's going on. It's easier to make peace and forget about it.

 

They are very insecure people, with deep wounds (apparently they are the only people who have had, or ever will have wounds, which justifies their behavior). Hubby said his mom used to complain all the time about how her MIL would treat her. She actually has complained about her to me, even though she and her hubby (my hubby's dad) have both passed away. Hubby thinks she might feel justified treating me the same way because that's how she was treated. Besides this, they are just toxic. They are always talking trash about somebody, whether it be family, friends, celebrities... doesn't matter. I think it makes them feel better about themselves. It's sick. And I don't want my children being exposed to people like that, much less them having a hand in raising them. NO WAY.

 

Here's another example. At SIL's baby shower, someone she works with handed her a gift from another co-worker. She explained she wasn't able to make it because she was ill. As SIL was opening the gift she said, "that's okay, we didn't want her here anyway!" I think everyone was stunned... even the co-worker didn't know what to say.

 

I know they "win" if I choose to leave. But I don't want to play their game. I'm beginning to realize that when you marry someone, you do marry their family. They are part of the package.

 

If hubby and I both didn't want kids, I could deal with it. But I will not have my children be tied to people like that.

[luigie822]

I don't think putting up with their crap will help you. They will abuse you for as long as they can afford it. You have to put your foot down. I've had a similar problem and when I opened my mouth, they left me alone. I was the bad guy, but I saved my sanity. My husband resents me for that, but a husband is replaceable - my nerves aren't.

 

How did you do it? What did you say to them?

 

These people are flippin' whacked, so honestly, I'm afraid to confront them!

 

Thanks for your candid honesty - I appreciate it. I could go on for hours with indepth details on how they've treated me. I was afraid if I made my initial post too long, no one would read it.

[Ronni_W]

If hubby and I both didn't want kids, I could deal with it. But I will not have my children be tied to people like that.

I know what you mean about that -- you can always choose to not interact with your in-laws...but you can't make the decision for your kids, to keep them from their grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling -- perhaps that will offer some new ways and 'tools' to help you both better deal with their hostility -- it IS hostile to your psyche...and their prior negative life experiences doesn't make it okay for them to mistreat others. What a BS excuse that is!

MC might also help your husband to realize that how he is handling his family-of-origin relationships is NOT adult or healthy, but he'd likely need individual therapy to resolve those issues.

[JackJack]

Sounds like HE is caught between a rock and a hard place. WHY?

 

Well he probably feels torn and caught in the middle between you and his family. He may want to stand up for you but feels if he does, he will get rejected or made out to be a bad guy by his family. If he doesn't stand up for you, then he probably feels he will be the bad guy with you as well.

 

Almost like a no win situation for him in away. I'm sorry they are causing YOU problems, but thats just it. Since you feel its directed at you then its your call on what to do about it. I'm not saying he shouldn't be behind on you on this, but I do see why he might feel adament about choosing either side, and to me that is probably how he feels it would be if he went one way or the other.

 

Tell you husband you want him, your inlaws, and yourself to get things out in the open and talk.

[PandorasBox]

What are willing to do and not do for your marriage and what would you like to see happen? I'm sure for them to stop with what they are doing and saying. I don't think its about YOU really. Its more about them, because even if you divorce your husband, no matter who comes into his life, they will probably treat them they way they treated you.

 

If you want to be free from it all, at least first maybe get a third party involved with all of you talking to a counselor, as a group thing, then if it still doesn't look like things are going to work, then free yourself of this issue.

[RecordProducer]

How did you do it? What did you say to them?

It wasn't one thing and it's pointless to compare notes, especially since in my case it wasn't a mother and a sister. It took a while for some things to surface. You don't have to do all the "work," you just need to stir the pot and let things happen.

 

I think you have to understand that there is no win-win solution. One will win and it must be you. You can only win by causing them to be afraid of you. You have to be a scary, nasty bitch. Tell them in a calm, but firm tone that you won't take their behavior in your house and if they continue to act like that, you'll cut them off. Tell them that you know very well that they are trying to ruin your life. When attacked in this way, people instinctively stop doing whatever sh*t they were doing because they know that whatever they do, you'll think they are bad - and they don't want you to think they're bad. You just have to wait for the right occasion, when they do something dirty. They should see that you're really angry (but not hysterical or our of control). The whole point is to turn the tables and attack them instead of taking their attacks. After you've said what you've said, act as if nothing happened. Your husband will defend you in front of them, don't worry. He might argue with you about it at home, though. Just tell him you've had enough of their abuse. Keep in mind that whatever you tell him - he will tell them when they start telling him how bad you are.

 

These people are flippin' whacked, so honestly, I'm afraid to confront them!

Hey, I was/am alone in this country surrounded by his entire family!

 

The more guts it takes to confront them - the more they will respect you. You get extra credit for attacking a stronger opponent than yourself.

[luigie822]

I have considered counseling. We actually went shortly after we were married to acquire skills in settling down together. We briefly touched on his family, and the counseler was quite interested, but hubby shelved the issue and we moved on. I think counseling is worth a shot... it can't hurt!

 

JackJack, I think you're totally right - he's afraid to be rejected and made out the bad guy. They have a reputation for disowning family members. The most recent ostracization was due to SIL and MIL disowning SIL's cousin, because the cousin was hurt SIL didn't name her the godmother of her baby when she was already promised the title. Instead of SIL owning up to hurting her cousin, she decided to disown her and cut her out of the family. MIL followed suit and disowned her sister (cousin's mother) as well. They have not spoken in 2 years. So, hubby has right to his fear. I LOVE your picture, by the way... too cute!

 

PandorasBox, I agree and have told hubby that it doesn't matter who he's with, they'll treat them the same way. I'm hesitant to suggest counseling with the entire group. I think that would put hubby in a very tough situation and he might lose his spine... then I'll be left to battle them alone. I'll bring the idea up to hubby though, and ask him what he thinks. I seriously think MIL/SIL would benefit greatly from counseling on an individual basis, however. But, that would involve them admitting they have faults, which isn't likely to happen.

 

RecordProducer - hah! You made me laugh... "You have to be a scary, nasty bitch." I like your idea of finding the right time to call them on their behavior. And I give you props for standing up for yourself being surrounded by his family - good for you! I need to pray for the courage to do something like that. I honestly believe SIL would get physical and likely haul off and hit me if I spoke to her mother like that. She is VERY protective of her mom, and has gotten into fights with people for making thoughtless comments (not intentionally malice comments).

 

My way of dealing with it is to avoid them. I told hubby I'm not going down there for the holidays, birthdays, parties, whatever... I actually told him to go there for Thanksgiving and I'll go to my family's. I don't want to keep him from them, since he is their property... oops, I mean, family.

[Zolar]

What if you and your husband just moved a thousand or so miles away together?

 

 

My DH and I have had similar problems with his family (...mine include threats to steal my unborn child and take it to DH's native country, comments about weight gain and weight loss - I'm a health conscious life-long bodybuilder and both of his parents opening our bedroom door including one famous incident where his mother entered our bedroom while we were engaged in the act. He has a bro who is a world class blood sucking parasite, too.) We are in the process of a move right now that would place us 11 hours away from the rest of his family. It is a little drastic, but comes on the heels of some other problems we've had in the city we are currently in (Houston) - we were recently twice the victims of violent crime and police corruption. So, we have other reasons for wanting to move.

 

This thing with his family had to get really, really bad - I had to be nearly dead, in fact - for him to realize how bad it was for me.

 

But, distance may be the only solution.

 

In-laws like these are dangerous to our health and while I'm devastated that I just lost a little girl, I would not want a child with these people around. I told him that right after we lost her.

[Angel1111]

Sounds like HE is caught between a rock and a hard place. WHY?

 

Well he probably feels torn and caught in the middle between you and his family. He may want to stand up for you but feels if he does, he will get rejected or made out to be a bad guy by his family. If he doesn't stand up for you, then he probably feels he will be the bad guy with you as well.

 

Almost like a no win situation for him in away. I'm sorry they are causing YOU problems, but thats just it. Since you feel its directed at you then its your call on what to do about it. I'm not saying he shouldn't be behind on you on this, but I do see why he might feel adament about choosing either side, and to me that is probably how he feels it would be if he went one way or the other.

 

Tell you husband you want him, your inlaws, and yourself to get things out in the open and talk.

 

I totally disagree with this. If a man doesn't defend his wife, then it's open season on her. They have to know that he will back her. I wouldn't let anyone in my family act rudely toward my spouse. Spouses should stand up for one another.

[Angel1111]

What if you and your husband just moved a thousand or so miles away together?

 

This is a great idea as long as the idiot relatives don't decide to come visit for a week!

 

Btw, sorry to hear about your loss.

[Angel1111]

When I was married to my son's dad, his family could be pretty nutty, too. But my SIL, who was married to my husband's brother, got the worst of it. My MIL constantly dropped little barbed comments aimed at my SIL - something she never did with me. The truth is, I think she knew better because I would've told her off. But his family wasn't mean spirited like your husband's family is, although they did do things that concerned me at times, and there was a lot of in-fighting. But I was never the target and even today, after being divorced from my ex for 15 yrs, they still think of me as family and invite me to most family events.

 

I think what's really bugging you is that your husband doesn't step in and firmly defend you, and the fact that they see you as a target. Your husband needs to be prepared to limit his time with them based on how they behave with you. And if he's not willing to do that, you've got a serious problem. The other side of that is that you should never let people jab at you with comments that have you fuming. You don't have to always be confrontive. As a matter of fact, a cool, unemotional comeback usually gets your message across.

 

As far as your kids are concerned, you and your husband set the stage for what's normal and what isn't. Everyone has idiot relatives somewhere down the line. Kids compare others to the home they have with their parents - that's always their frame of reference. But these people will probably never be anyone you could count on for taking care of your children, and that's a big thing.

 

It's tough to know what to do but leaving a good marriage over this doesn't seem to be the solution. If nothing else, I would do what someone else suggested - just move far, far away from them and have as little contact with them as possible.

[RecordProducer]

I I honestly believe SIL would get physical and likely haul off and hit me if I spoke to her mother like that.

In that case, turn the camera on and call the police when she hits you.

[JackJack]

I totally disagree with this. If a man doesn't defend his wife, then it's open season on her. They have to know that he will back her. I wouldn't let anyone in my family act rudely toward my spouse. Spouses should stand up for one another.

 

Not a problem to disagree.

 

BTW, if you go back and re read my post, I never said he shouldn't back her, as a matter of fact I said he should. I simply said he probably feels torn on what to do.

[mental_traveller]

Someone wrote on here a while back, that you don't just marry someone, you marry their relatives too. There's a lot of truth in that. Many people simply don't have the balls to cut their relatives off if they behave badly. They are basically whipped. A real man would never let anyone treat his wife that way. He'd cut them off until they came grovelling back and either changed their tune, or got cut out forever.

 

I think you are doing the right thing with divorce. Your husband is a wimp and lets his family treat you like crap. That proves where you come in his list of priorities.

 

All I can suggest is that next time you consider getting married, check i) the sanity of your future in-laws ii) your fiance's balls, or lack thereof. Don't marry unless both check out.

[cottoncandy1]

I hear what you are saying. They say that you marry the family, too.

I believe this is true - cuz u will live w/ them for the rest of your marriage - the question is - can u live w/ their bs?

 

I am in a similar boat. My SIL (husbnds SIL) is so spoiled and know has a baby and rubs it in my face - kissing the kid for hours at a time and goo goo gaa ga every minute and my dh & I are not rich, we both have to work hard every day to make ends meet. she can stay at home and her husband works to make money and extra money. meanwhile my MIL puts her on a pedestal. I can't have kids because of my situation. i could not stand to run this rat race and throw a child into the mix. so i feel robbed and i'm getting older so it's stay in or leave. if i leave i lose the house that i put my heart and soul into and i would go into an apartment that i would HATE. plus, my dh is nice and has great qualities , but i can't stand how quiet he is over my frustration w/ them and just "sits there" and pretends to listen to me until i basically shut up. it's been a decade and i have put a smile on my face like u do and basically play mind games w/ myself in order to "appear" to have a good time at events. i have not smiled a true smile in a decade. i am not happy, but i don't want to go to an apt. after this. plus, i might end up all alone and have nobody. then i'll really be upset. BUT let me tell u , i would LOVE to throw it in THEIR face that I have someone else, who IS rich and takes care of ME , so there! it might sound childish, but it is frustrating to watch someone else get everythign u ever wanted.