sunbeauty71 Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Im sitting here crying my eyes out so forgive me the cynical heading. For some reason I always seem the one at the end of any relationship (even ones I left or werent even that serious about) sitting sobbing my heart out. I always seem to manage to throw my whole heart in any relationship and so even if I cant see it going anywhere I still feel fully devastated at the end of anything. Thing is I dont think any of the men I have dated ever felt remotely as crushed by losing me. I really love and miss my ex boyfriend, I can almost touch the hurt...obviously he is not the one for me but I really really loved him and I really really miss him deeply. I miss him I miss him, I feel lonely and rejected and just lost. Do people really love deeply or am I just way too sensitive. I mean the men are always so cold and withdrawn once somethings over because they dont deal the same but you know what...Id dam well like to see a tear or two or some softness in his voice like I mattered. Unfortunately I have to have contact because of our child which is just stretching the pain hearing him so casual and like a stranger when we were thick as thieves once apon a time. How sad and what a loss, such a huge loss and feel like Im the only one who feels it, how lonely can it get.
Taramere Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Unfortunately I have to have contact because of our child which is just stretching the pain hearing him so casual and like a stranger when we were thick as thieves once apon a time. How sad and what a loss, such a huge loss and feel like Im the only one who feels it, how lonely can it get. Imagine this. You encounter a man sitting on a bridge looking as though he's getting ready to jump. He explains to you that there's nothing particularly wrong....he's just tired of life. No longer enjoys any of the activities he used to enjoy. Can't be bothered with the effort it takes to live. Feels there's no more fun to be got out of it. You and I can guess that that's depression, which comes from within him. Dead emotions. Listlessness. To the man sitting on the bridge, it's a perfectly reasonable and logical reaction to a life that he honestly believes is no longer worth living. It's life's fault for being boring - not his fault for being bored. Not his responsibility to summon up some energy to address that himself. Unless life suddenly presents him with some unfeasibly fabulous prize for staying, he's out. You could spend 4 hours trying to reason him out of not jumping. The longer you spend doing it, the more you assume responsibility for keeping him alive. If he's of the view that life has an obligation to induce him to stay, you yourself might become a symbol of the life that has to hand him something incredible to motivate him to stay alive. What a hopeless situation to be in. It's not so different (though far less extreme) to watch a relationship you care about ending, and feeling unable to stop it. Very hard to watch someone emotionally disconnecting from you when you still feel connected to them, and it can also be difficult to avoid taking responsibility on yourself to try to revive that connection....but the more you do try to revive it, when the other person regards it as dead, then worse you'll end up feeling. Love, and the desire to be loved back are good things, but you have to pull back from them from time to time. You have to leave other people to take responsibility for their feelings - or lack of feelings - rather than loving extra hard in the hope that it'll provide some return. I'm sorry. I know it's terribly hard and I don't in any way want to sound unsympathetic or invalidate what you're feeling. You're bound to be feeling like crap just now, but the sooner you make a firm commitment to start accepting what's happened, take little steps away from it and make conscious efforts to manage these feelings you're experiencing, the better for you and your child. Particularly as you're in the uncomfortable position of having to continue dealing with this man on a regular basis. Take care.
Ronni_W Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 (((hugs))). If I may say, your post doesn't really sound as if the issue is with how you love, but with how you handle loss -- that's a whole different skill that most of us were never taught. If that resonates with you, this site may be useful: http://www.coping.org/grief/content.htm On this page, http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm , chapters 8, 9 & 10 may be of interest, too.
TeaAbraham Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Some men love with all their heart, some men don't. In my relationship we both loved each other with all our hearts, but something just went wrong. Something that could have been fixed btw, but nevertheless something went wrong. So people can love with all their hearts and still have the situation not work out. Love isn't just giving everything you have to someone! It's really knowing that person and really caring about them because you know who they are and you love who they are. I definitely screwed up on that front, but c'est la vie. Anyway, people do love with all their hearts! Sometimes something goes wrong though, which is sad. But if you love someone with all your hearts, and they love you with all their heart, when something goes astray I am sure it will be something that can be worked through. I wish we had.
alwayssme Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 girl i wondered the same thing. I know how you feel you're not alone. Although I only felt this way once in my life, I am never this heart-broken over people I have liked in my past. He was my first love and I thought we felt the same. Actually he made me believe he cared more, which was really hurtful when he completely walked out and left me. So I feel exactly how you feel, at times I cry my heart out, at times I'm okay but deep down I still love him and what makes it worse is that I don't think he even thinks about "us" anymore. I don't know if people love with their hearts anymore...but I did once. Not sure if that will ever happen again. At least not like this because I couldn't handle going through this again.
Author sunbeauty71 Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 Well I loved like this once before when I was 19 - 21yrs (my first love). I guess first loves we come to with full open hearts because we dont know yet the pain that can happen when it doesnt work out. When that ended I remember thinking I would die for a long time. It took a couple of years for me to heal from that and I think I shut my heart down for many years never really letting someone close and thus things never worked out. Eventually I self corrected and knew I had to let someone right in and was fresh ready had no hangups, no baggage, completely clean slate. I was looking for a life partner like an apple ready to fall from the tree. Now half way into this relationship I realised I had a man whose heart was not fully open or ready to give his all to anyone, or maybe just not to me. Now I feel the full pain again like I did as a teen...I wanted it to work, I was willing to do what we had to do to get help for our communication issues, he didnt want to though and just gave up saying it didnt work. Hell maybe it wouldnt of worked even with help but love is so precious I believe every relationship deserves to be given any possible help before leaving it for dead. Maybe I just like flogging a dead horse...Your right that maybe its not a love problem, maybe I just have trouble dealing with loss and will look at those threads..thankyou. I watch other people jump from one person to the next, they say the best thing to do to get over someone is to start something new. I dont have the ability to do this and think its selfish. Id much rather process this until I feel whole and ready to give my best again. Is that so wrong? One thing I really dont want to see is my heart close up again and stay shut down, I want to grieve but stay open hearted so I can love again with all of myself. Im so sad again today...I have tried to get in contact with ex to arrange visitation for bub and he switched his phone off for the whole weekend so far...he rang me all week checking up on us and we were talking fine and all of a sudden he has blocked me for no reason I know of...How bad does it feel to have someone turn their phone off and ignore you, like I deserve that treatment. If I had done something to warrant it fine, but he has just done it out of nowhere. It hurts because I know he does not care about my feelings at all anymore and yeh I know that comes with the territory but it still is a shock I guess. I ahd been doing pretty good and this has just opened all the wounds. Why is he doing this when we have been doing so well getting along for the sake of our daughters parenting...maybe its a new girl on the scene and he doesnt want any interuptions. Fair enough...wish I could go out and meet new people and start a new life but I am 24 x 7 with our baby....
Taramere Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Why is he doing this when we have been doing so well getting along for the sake of our daughters parenting...maybe its a new girl on the scene and he doesnt want any interuptions. Fair enough...wish I could go out and meet new people and start a new life but I am 24 x 7 with our baby.... No it isn't fair enough. He's a father, and he has responsibilities that don't just come and go depending on his whims. What if there was an emergency involving your little girl, and you couldn't get in touch with him? You need to get yourself into strong, practical mode ASAP. Never mind easier said than done. Do it. You've got a baby to look after, and she needs you to be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. Get yourself to your doctor and see what he/she recommends in the way of support to get you through this. Find out about a helpline in your area that you can contact for 24 hour support if need be. Recruit your friends and family for help, and if you don't have that kind of support around you, get to your local family centre. That's what they do. They help people who don't have supports to build them. Last but not least, make an appointment with a solicitor so that you can discuss child care/contact practicalities and get the wheels in motion to sort out 1. Child support payments 2. A clear, structured contact plan that he must adhere to barring exceptional circumstances 3. Arrangements for contacting him in emergency situations I'm sorry, but you can't afford to sit on this. You need all the energy you can muster up at a time like this, and that can only happen if you start taking active steps to get that support network in place and start taking a tough stance about making Mr Runaway Dad face up to his parenting responsibilities. Next time you post, please make it a to do list about what you're going to do next week. I realise you're hurting badly, and that's precisely why you need to take speedy measures to start addressing this. I saw your first post, and it's now been almost 6 weeks since the two of you split up. It doesn't sound as though you're going to be able to sit down and make sensible, coherent child care/support plans together so it's way past time you started getting some legal advice to get some structure into this situation and remind him of his adult responsibilities.
LittleDove Posted November 23, 2008 Posted November 23, 2008 Is there a other way to love, than with an open heart?? You have his baby, of course you gave him your ALL. Now you must give your baby your ALL. You are very lucky. He has left the building. Im sorry, but the phone off thing, is just such a kick in the face.. you need to protect yourself from the way hes treating you... hes available while hes at work, and then gone on weekends... Ive just been through that bs, and i can almost promise, theres someone else. Not a flat battery or disconnecion, no credit, bad signal...its all bs, in my experience. Enjoy being with your baby, time goes so fast. Just because hes out, doesnt mean you have to... all the best.
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