Nikki Sahagin Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Okay i've already made several posts about this but I still feel there's a better way of me putting it all together...so anyone taking the time to read this - thanks! I am a very highly anxious person. I have in the past suffered with self-diagnosed depression and anxiety attacks. I have always lived in a very 'high-anxiety' way. I was the sort of kid who couldn't eat before school because she was nervous, bit her nails all through school, was too shy to answer the register, terrified and I mean terrified of drama, had a bit of OCD (always washing hands) and would worry about a dentist appointment months in advance. Though all very innocent and small things - I would really break down and be unable to cope. My worries would wear me out and I would skive about a week of school just to try to regroup myself and cope. I never understood this anxiety and fear and so I never talked about it. Just continued in this cycle for years and years.... Now this anxiety also extends to relationships. I try to tell myself that it is NOT the relationship but just my anxiety. I mean I always am 'finding' something to worry about. If it's not 1 thing, it's another but my key source of anxiety nowadays is my relationship. This again is draining. I worry about being cheated on, abandoned, someone not loving me...the list goes on and on. It's unbearable. My mother recently told me a story. When I was 2 she went into labour with my brother and was very ill and so was in hospital for a long time and I was left with my father. While she was away I broke my collar bone and every now and again we would visit my mother. She told me that I woud not say hello or goodbye to her and would sit with my back to her, ignoring her until it was time to go. She said I always felt abandoned and rejected by her because she was in hospital and this then developed into jealousy over my brother (the reason why she couldn't be there for me) So I wonder...why have I always been like this? I have the same fears now, fear of abandonment, rejection, loneliness and so on. And I react in the same way. If I feel my boyfriend is 'unavailable', I go into that same weird combination of highly anxious and yet distant behaviour. I was seeing a therapist but she has become ill and so I don't know how long it will be before I can see her. As such I have to wait a while. But for anyone that feels similarly or has been through this, I would appreciate even the briefest of advice. This state of high anxiety is unbearable.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 I should add, me and my boyfriend got together towards the ending of his very brief relationship with someone else (he was 17; no sex or seriousness between them, very short relationship) I don't want to dwell on this because I do not feel that in itself is an issue (it's so long ago now and I believe in our love for each other) but I suppose there does come into play that same fear of being abandoned again. Thought this may be important.
Ronni_W Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Well, I'd have to think that the root of it is most likely related to your experience when you were two. Our child's mind develops a bunch of "coping strategies" to help us make sense of, and cope with, our external world. It all works great when we're young...but in adulthood it becomes maladaptive (dysfunctional) so then we're faced with the task of "re-engineering" or reprogramming the beliefs, fears and such that started in our very early traumatic experiences. Too bad your therapist has become unavailable. I'd actually suggest to ask her for a referral to someone else...or just find a new therapist. Your emotional health and well-being should take precedence over all else. Have you done any self-help reading? Even though you may not have a full-blown case of OCD, you can still learn how to manage general anxiety from books and sites that deal more specifically with OCD. You may also find the links on this page useful: http://www.coping.org/adultlink/anxiety.htm Best of luck.
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 The Feeling Good Book by Dr. David Burns. Been There, Done That, Try This! By Sam Obitz. Two great books about dealing with anxiety. Is it possible for you to find another therapist during this time your T is not available? I do hope your T specializes in CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) because this type of counselling is one aimed for anxiety disorders (Including depression, OCD etcc).
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