Author Confused4Now Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 The fact is you did have an affair while you were still married to your wife, didn't you? yes and i left and started my Divorce...
Owl Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Something to consider, Confused. You're now seeing how your situation was another "statistic"...how your situation was standard "script" that we've seen repeatedly here. You've heard all the predictions on what WOULD happen, and have now seen them come to pass. So...given that...can you TRUST that the long time posters on the board are probably correct when they say that she will try to contact you again? We've seen it...over and over. Most of us know how addictive affairs can be. The odds are very high that she'll go low for now...and within the next few weeks, she'll start to feel that addiction calling to her again...and she'll call/txt/IM you to get her "fix". And you'll jump right back in...both feet...because you're suffering the same addiction. That's why we suggest that you take PROACTIVE measures to prevent this from happening...why you need to take steps now to protect yourself from what we see coming. Delete her from your contact lists...change your email/IM/phone numbers so that she CAN'T contact you when that timeframe comes. If you don't...you can expect these events you just went through to happen over and over again. None of this is new...this is STILL all standard script.
jwi71 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Yes he is very capable of bodily injury... he's every abusive and has anger issues.... I never backed down from him even told him lets getting it on if you want to tango. However since my MW did what she did ..my beef is not with H it's with her and listening to all the lies and believing the fantasy and dreams. What a joke!!! I don't see her contacting me cause he's so controlling he'll be watching her like a hawk now. I'm sure she never thought this would happen. I just got so tired of the words not matching the actions. Now this is not only juvenile but dangerous. Are you going to meet at the playground after school? And if shows, then what? Assault charges, hospital bills and jail? I'm sure your boss and coworkers will be duly impressed. And if shows up armed? In the end, it isn't worth it. She isn't worth your job, your health or even your life. Not the best move to taunt him. I am unclear if you called him or he called you - so what are you willing to do to prevent further contact?
Shannon2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Now this is not only juvenile but dangerous. Are you going to meet at the playground after school? And if shows, then what? Assault charges, hospital bills and jail? I'm sure your boss and coworkers will be duly impressed. And if shows up armed? In the end, it isn't worth it. She isn't worth your job, your health or even your life. Great point and in the end....no one will side with the OM/OW. If you get hurt people will say you got what you deserved for trying come between a man and his wife. You should try to put this toxic relationship behind you, learn from it..and move on..one day at a time..I see no good can come from this. And if you re-start the affair and get discovered, the next time may really lead to physical harm. Crimes of passion are always the most violent.
Author Confused4Now Posted November 24, 2008 Author Posted November 24, 2008 Great point and in the end....no one will side with the OM/OW. If you get hurt people will say you got what you deserved for trying come between a man and his wife. You should try to put this toxic relationship behind you, learn from it..and move on..one day at a time..I see no good can come from this. And if you re-start the affair and get discovered, the next time may really lead to physical harm. Crimes of passion are always the most violent. I was finally contacted yesterday however it was the H of my MW. He called to apologize for threatening me the other night and we talked for a bit. It was very clear after talking to him in the first couple of minutes the discussion for him must not been a good one from MW. I know he's a charmer because of his abusive nature. He was trying to be my friend to get me to say things. I kept things short and told him that he should be like me and take care of his business. I"m now taking care of my business as to finishing my divorce and his beef is with me no longer. It's between him and her. I promised that i wouldn't contact her and I will be a man of my word. So not even a half hour later.....I get a call from MW telling me she disclose everything to her husband and that it will not change her mind of how she feels about me. She told her H that she did not love him and gave him the reasons why. She told him she was planning on leaving him before she even met me. She also said that she fell in love with me and she will be with me if I still want her. She has said she's not afraid to be alone either. I told her where I stood as to I'm not going to be a part of this triangle any longer and if she truly loves me she will leave me alone and take her actions seriously. Meaning file the papers get him out of your life completely and letting her family know. So when you arrive at my doorsteps...we can be a real couple without hiding and lying. I told her I have zero tolerance now for this stuff. I won't have it. She said thank you for coming out with it as it feels like a huge boulder has been lifted off her shoulder. She said she loves me and we will be together soon.
Mino Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Great, now time will tell if she will follow through, in the meantime... enjoy your life, and take care of yourself!! If it was meant to be it will....
signedin2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 She said thank you for coming out with it as it feels like a huge boulder has been lifted off her shoulder. She said she loves me and we will be together soon. She is not leaving him because of the marriage, now she is leaving the marriage because of YOU. She knows that you'll be there when she file for divorce, otherwise, she won't divorce him. You will be the REASON for the break up of her marriage. Why do you want a cheater? Why do you want a relationship that starts with lies, betrayal, throwing you under the bus, etc. Why take someone's cheating wife? Why not get a single girl and start fresh?
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Yet the other day she threw you under the bus. Go read ALL stampdaddy's threads because his MW told him the exact same thing your MW is telling you. Do yourself a favour, don't hold onto ANY hope. IF she shows up one day with divorce papers, then consider casually dating her and take it SLOW. Until then, grieve and try to move on.
Author Confused4Now Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Yet the other day she threw you under the bus. Go read ALL stampdaddy's threads because his MW told him the exact same thing your MW is telling you. Do yourself a favour, don't hold onto ANY hope. IF she shows up one day with divorce papers, then consider casually dating her and take it SLOW. Until then, grieve and try to move on. Trust me I have read all of Stampdaddy's threads....and that is exactly what I told my MW. I told her to go work out all her stuff have papers in hand and if you are at my doorsteps then we can discuss taking it slow. I don't need anymore drama....I feel so free right now like 1000lbs lifted off my shoulders. I'm going to enjoy this feeling....it's actually nice to feel like I'm in the drivers seat.
Angel1111 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 So not even a half hour later.....I get a call from MW telling me she disclose everything to her husband and that it will not change her mind of how she feels about me. She told her H that she did not love him and gave him the reasons why. She told him she was planning on leaving him before she even met me. She also said that she fell in love with me and she will be with me if I still want her. She has said she's not afraid to be alone either. She said thank you for coming out with it as it feels like a huge boulder has been lifted off her shoulder. She said she loves me and we will be together soon. Personally, I think this is just another way to keep you hanging on. Sorry, I just don't think much of this woman anymore. And if her husband is as abusive as she says he is, she'd either be dead or in the hospital right now because these men are jealous to the extreme. A bf showing up at his doorstep would send hin over the edge. I think she has painted you a false picture of him. All that said, if she actually does divorce him, I hope you will be very, very cautious about letting her back into your life.
greengoddess Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Nope don't believe her. She wants you as her backup plan while her husbands emotions escalate. If she really told him she loved you not him she would be with you right now. He would have helped her pack a bag. No one stays with someone who outright tells you they are in love with someone else. That is the married persons favorote line. But I said I loved you and my spouse just won't let me go. It's a joke. They are not honest with anyone.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Ddays don't cure a cheater. They only get them to lay low until the coast is clear in order to continue the affair. Until she fixes whatever it is inside herself that makes her want to cheat and stay married, she will simply continue to cheat and stay married. She's already throwing out the line of hope, waiting for you to catch on and continue dangling.
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I get a call from MW telling me she disclose everything to her husband and that it will not change her mind of how she feels about me. She told her H that she did not love him and gave him the reasons why. She told him she was planning on leaving him before she even met me. She also said that she fell in love with me and she will be with me if I still want her. She has said she's not afraid to be alone either. Keep in mind the chances of her actually telling him this are slim to none. She's become a very good liar and is capable of saying what you want to hear..And that goes for her husband as well. Remember Stamps situation? His MW apparently BEGGED her husband for another chance, to save the marriage, yet in the same breath told SD that she was about to leave her husband and that she'd be coming to (SD) him soon, to just hang on abit longer. Stay strong and stop talking to her because she's messed up and doesn't care about anyone but herself.
signedin2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Confused4now, is there a reason behind your ignoring my post? The truth is not pretty, is it?
Author Confused4Now Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Confused4now, is there a reason behind your ignoring my post? The truth is not pretty, is it? Read my whole story before you ask questions like that...I notice alot of people don't answer your questions.....
Owl Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 C4N... So...what's the status now that you've been thrown under the bus? Still in the affair? Still in contact with her? What?
Author Confused4Now Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 C4N... So...what's the status now that you've been thrown under the bus? Still in the affair? Still in contact with her? What? Pretty much LC to NC....I told her I didn't need all this drama in my life with myself trying to finish up my divorce. After what happened last Friday and I understand why she did I was still hurt. I told her I will no longer contact her and plan on moving forward with my life. I had also promised her husband that. I told her she needs to handle her business and when she's at a place where she no longer has to hide or lie... we might make a go at it..but until that happens leave me alone. So to answer your question NO...I'm OUT...
Author Confused4Now Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 For those who have been following my story about my affair with MW. Things have been going good for the most part. Even though we didn't spend time with her at Thanksgiving. We did spend Christmas eve together. She has communicated to the H that she's in love with me and plans on being with me. He's been pulling out all the stops as to bad mouth me and we both agreed that it would be totally insensitive if she was to kick him out during the holidays. She has assured me he's been sleeping on the sofa and has been totally faithful to me. I reminded her that the goal for us is no more lies....which means filing the papers and telling her family in the house of us and finally getting her H out of the house for good. I'm kinda excited and scared at the same time. She's made every effort to be with me as much as she can without basically living with me. However my gut is still telling me his abusive nature still has control of her. So here's hoping that after the 1st of the year things start moving forward.
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 If you want this to work, you two have to put some distance between eachother and allow her time to sort out her life, the divorce and dealing with fallout. Having you involved and at her side during this WILL make it harder as her husband is just going to fight for her even more. Also, by giving her time and space, it allows you both to get out of the "affair" mode of the relationship, so when she does actually divorce, it can become a healthy out in the open relationship. Last thing you want is for it to stay in affair mode and that dynamtic. Still think this MW needs counselling badly, you say her H abused her alot so she is going to have emotional scars from this. TAKE things slowly...
Author Confused4Now Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 If you want this to work, you two have to put some distance between each other and allow her time to sort out her life, the divorce and dealing with fallout. Also, by giving her time and space, it allows you both to get out of the "affair" mode of the relationship, so when she does actually divorce, it can become a healthy out in the open relationship. Last thing you want is for it to stay in affair mode and that dynamic. Still think this MW needs counseling badly, you say her H abused her alot so she is going to have emotional scars from this. TAKE things slowly... Well that is what we've been doing keeping distance. Anything to do with Holidays kept us busy and focus more on our families. As for things being in "affair" mode I'm not so certain as she's been letting the husband know its pretty much over between them. However thats what she's telling me. Still can't help thinking how she threw me under the bus. Granted there was valid issues however I think she could have handled it differently. Definitely not the way it played out. I do plan on taking things very slowly and I agree that she well need therapy as I can tell she's had many years of experience with a abusive man. I see some traits in her which scares me. The lying is a big one. So the trust thing is a problem with me right now. I think until she files the papers, let's her adult kids know and gets her husband out of the house I'll continue to be insecure. well stay tuned cause 2009 will not be the same.....
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Again, she is doing exactly what stampdaddy's MW was doing. Telling you one thing but doing another. You really do not know what she is doing or saying at home.. Plus trust IS an issue and will be for a long time. What she's done to her husband, sneaking around and lying to him, and then throwing you under the bus, omitting truths (?) to you as well..She's good at it..I bet she's also good a pouring on the tears when you doubt her. Don't get your hopes up, she hasn't filed. Until those papers are signed and he's out of the house, you two are still in affair mode.
Trimmer Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Yes he is very capable of bodily injury... he's every abusive and has anger issues.... I never backed down from him even told him lets getting it on if you want to tango. However since my MW did what she did ..my beef is not with H it's with her and listening to all the lies and believing the fantasy and dreams. What a joke!!! Uhhh... It doesn't really matter who you think your beef is with. If her H thinks his beef is with you then you've got a problem. Just out of curiosity, what happened to your sense of honor and your "word": I promised that i wouldn't contact her and I will be a man of my word. How do you parse this? They are still married, and she apparently hasn't filed papers yet. On what basis did you revoke your "word," or do you have some clever explanation for how you are really keeping your word, because the specific syntax of what you actually said was....? Weren't you complaining about all the lying? Or is that only a problem when others do it to you?
RecordProducer Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 As for things being in "affair" mode I'm not so certain as she's been letting the husband know its pretty much over between them. However thats what she's telling me. Still can't help thinking how she threw me under the bus. Pretty much over is not the same as over. Not because of logistics, but because she might be telling her husband it's over, but keeping hopes that her husband could change. She threw you under the bus because she isn't 100% over her husband, and until she's over him, it's not over. When it seemed like you both loved her and she could choose, she chose him. I am very familiar with the wide spectar of emotions in cases like this; she probably has feelings for her husband but she decided to get over him and dump him because he isn't giving her the love she believes she deserves - and you're giving her what she needs. Her husband showed interest in her upon finding out about the affair and she started hoping that now things would be different, that he in fact loves her. However, 24 hours later, she realizes that her husband is the same jackass that he's always been and that he'll never change. So she decides you're a much better catch. She tells him it's over while keeping you at an arm's distance hoping that this scenario will ignite the love for her in her husband. His controlling behavior excites her and bothers her at the same time. He doesn't want to let her go and that's very "manly" and exciting. You're the typical nice guy: sweet and caring. You're safe and feel like home; he's scary and unattainable. However, you have a good chance to win, because she is tired of waiting for her hsuband to become nice and treat her like a lady. You make her feel good. Her husband will never change. She will leave and get over him soon thereafter. Your best bet to speed up the process is to NOT let her husband see that you're in her life and want her. Just like WWIU said, he'll fight for her more if you're around. Don't call her, don't text her, don't email her. Let her contact you.
Author Confused4Now Posted December 28, 2008 Author Posted December 28, 2008 Uhhh... It doesn't really matter who you think your beef is with. If her H thinks his beef is with you then you've got a problem. Just out of curiosity, what happened to your sense of honor and your "word": How do you parse this? They are still married, and she apparently hasn't filed papers yet. On what basis did you revoke your "word," or do you have some clever explanation for how you are really keeping your word, because the specific syntax of what you actually said was....? Weren't you complaining about all the lying? Or is that only a problem when others do it to you? I did keep my word with her husband...I also told him that if she contacted me I would talk to her which I did. Just remember I said I wouldn't contact her....which I didn't.
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