trueblue72ny Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 hey guys ive posted a couple times here, been going back and forth with the ex gf the last four months. she ended it. then she got back in touch with me after i decidd to go no contact. im 36, she is 31. well since then its been a cat & mouse game. she contacts me, i give her some validation, she backs off. thn shes keeps saying: i want to be friends and hang out but not just yet "im not ready yet" "not just yet" i hope that someday we can! honestly i have to admit i really am not thrilled with the prospect of being her chat buddy. but thought id see what was up. give her a chance to reveal her intentions. we were together almost 4 years!!!! so i figured i owed her that much because no one cheated or anything. and i do care an awefully lot! now we get talking, her again emailing me or waving to me starts the conversation in the middle of this week. and i ask her hey how do you feel about hanging out? again the same line "im not ready yet" so i say ok i respect that! but i wonder sometimes whats going thru your mind!! you keep telling me you want to hang out but thn say not just yet. so i said its up to you if you want to tell me. and if you are ready sometime, get in touch, and we'll see if i am available so she proceeds to tell me: right now I am doing nothing that you could get mad at me for anyways. but like when you asked me if i had any dates, it was easy yesterday to answer that because it was NO, but what IF and then you ask me ? I won't lie to you, i never have and won't start now, but that is going to be very hard to admit to you. other than that i am not afraid to talk to you. so i tell her: well i really dont want to speculate on that quite honestly. i would like to think that you wouldn’t like it anymore than if i was. that is what i am hoping anyways. but i guess since you did bring it up, what i am feeling right now that if quite honestly if those are your overall intentions, to finda mr. new than i guess i would probably say then that (unfortunately) it is probably better off if we don’t speak at all going forward for the foreseeable future until at some point (a number of years) i would be completely healed and moved on. and then maybe i would talk to you. but only when i am ready i would i let you know and ask you not to contact me before then. but quite honestly i couldn’t handle it any other way. the feelings run deep. and they are not going to go away tomorrow, next month ,or even a year from now. i cant be your chat buddy if your intentions are to find someone else. i am totally and utterly sorry to have to say that. but when it comes to that it really is all about myself and i have to protect my heart from being completely destroyed and walk away with a little dignity. like i said im not dating either And its the last thing i want to see happen. i am sorry if that is bad news. to be quite honest with you there was no friends afterward with tiffany. ya we would smile or talk or pretend it was alright but it really never is. she wanted to get back together. and a couple times i thought about it" so thats were its at. havent heard a peep from her. i emailed 3:30 this afternoon. she leaves work at 4. and havent heard a thing!!!! i was talkin to someone and they said she is either just messing with me some more, trying to make me wonder, or maybe she has just been tryin to smooth me over into a friend. or didnt know how to respond. either way i personally dont like this situation!! and it has taken ALOT for me to get to this point . i wish i wasnt in this situation : ( some seem to think im going to hear from her again. but this just stinks why does she have to mess with me if she doesnt want me : ((( i dont bother her. why does she bother!!!! it is really bothering me at this point!!!!!!!!
lofi_tokyo Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 I hated telling my ex not to contact me because then I kept thinking "will he call will he call will he call" and "if he doesn't call, does he not care" and "if he does call I'll keep hurting". Ugh. It was bad for me. In the end I had to block him from EVERYTHING to make myself feel secure. So like... I could pretend he wanted to call or tried to but couldnt because he was blocked! So far, so good. I'm glad you had the balls to lay down the law. Thats so so so so hard to do. I actually ended up breaking NC after asking him not to talk to me anymore (actually he broke it first... but I repeatedly broke it). So eventually I had to just enforce it on my own. You'll start healing! Nice news for you: 36 is a pretty sexy age. I'm 19, so me saying this is kinda jail-baitish, but seriously? Men in their 30's have it going ON! If I more mature I'd go after them all the time! I'm also guessing you have a handful of relationships behind you now, which is good, you've got the tools to know what you want in life! Me? I've dated one guy seriously and I'm still growing up, I'm still learning!
EmperorR Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Claps hands, you took a major step, stop being on the sidelines when your a hall of famer. I'm over 60 days NC but I croaked today and pranked call even though I didn't speak to her and hanged up after 2 rings and my number is blocked, and it was pathetic it made me feel a little better:laugh: I suggest you block every, msn, aim,icq, yahoo, facebook, myspace etc. whatever you use. I know it's hard but trust if they have something important to say they can and will contact you.
Author trueblue72ny Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 thanks tokyovogue!! and EmperorR. it really took a lot to do . it is so so so so hard. and it's even worse than just being able to block her. i cant!! i work in the same office with her so i cant get away : ( everyone always said dont date int he office and i never understood why. now i know. i have tried to get away i sit at my desk i even walk different hallways so i dont go by her area!!! but pretty much daily jstill she comes over to my side of the office making noise. she has no real business purpose being on my side of the office she just does it to talk to her friend i guess, or to bother me is more like it. or she emails me. it is just horrible at this point!! my life is a living hell.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 it's even worse than just being able to block her. i cant!! i work in the same office as her so i cant get away : ( i have tried to get away i sit at my desk i dont go by hers i even walk different hallways so i dont go by her area but pretty much daily just about she comes over to my side of the office making noise. she has no real business purpose being on my side of the office she just does it to talk to her new friend i guess or to bother me is more like it. or she emails me. You know I think Caliguy has some experience with this kind of thing. Hes gives pretty solid advice too. Maybe send him a PM and see if he has some suggestions? It could help!
Author trueblue72ny Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 yes , Caliguy responded to one of my original postings. he gave some really good advice. opened my eyes to the whole situation. i obtained some foresight from him telling me his situation and how it progressed and what to expect. he called it, he said she just wants the validation and emotional benefits without having to be involved. i had to give it a chance to see, and unfortuantelyit appears his prediction is turning out to be right. as much as i wished with all of my might that this time it wasnt going to happen. its because of this website and everyones support i finally got the strength to tell her what i did. i just feel like fine you dont want to hang out with me, ok. but now i feel like she is trying to manipulate me into just being her friend and im supposed to be ok with it?? well im really not!! and i have just finally got to the point were i feel comfortable & strong enough telling her what i did. after 4 months of an emotional roller coaster ride of anguish. despair, lonliness and grief. should i be flattered that i am privilaged enough that my ex gf wants to be my friend? why? i dont want to hear if she starts something new with someome. and i dont want to be her back up until she does!! sorry, jsut venting!!! i just dont want to believe she doesnt feel anything, its hard to accept that someone doesn want you anymore after being close. but i guess i am there now!! everyday i am just going to have to summon my courage to get through the day
lofi_tokyo Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 You'll get through it, don't worry! We all have our good days and our bad days. Don't apologize for ranting... it makes me feel bad because I have about a billion rant threads on the coping forums. ;p Its how I survive day to day crises. lol And yeah, I know what you mean about it being hard after being with someone so long. I just miss his little idiosyncrasies sometimes. He was a descent guy. Not the best, but not the worst either.
Author trueblue72ny Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 thanks tokovogue i hope so. right now i just feel so sad!!! i feel like i am loosing her all over again!! this would have been much farther along if she just didnt contact me anymore back then. i almost feel panick right now that we will never talk again. while she is out there laughing it up having a good time but i also feel deep down that it would just be worse holding out hope, playing the role of caring friend, only to find out she is seeng someone. i would be even more crushed and devastated than i am right now. i guess at least i made a stand now before that happened. it is so difficult. it wasnt easy when i was 19 and its not any easier at 36!!! man i remember a time when i wasnt attached and even tho i always wanted to be with a woman i remember feeling happy with myself!! Uggg! she just keeps trying to stir the pot up it seems!!! WHY !!! i wont make her feel better about her decision by being mean to her over it!!!
lofi_tokyo Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Despite being broken up, you and your ex were happy together once. Maybe shes just clinging to old memories that make her think she can talk candidly with you. Who knows. Would you ever considering transferring to another branch to get away from her? If its REALLY killing you, maybe you could do that? I know its huge commitment, but sometimes change is good?
Author trueblue72ny Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 perhaps. sometimes i dont think they realize how hurtful they can be. and me not really having said much other than hey lets talk about hanging out, and constantly responding to her emails, probably didnt help. i have considered switching jobs. that would be a lot. i am thinking perhaps i am going to have to endure more torture for awhile. we will see. even now it doesnt seem real that it could possibly be over forever! i think i am just going to have to keep ranting on here to help me survive the day after day emotional crisis i am in! it really helps reading peoples threads its great not to feel alone in this!!! i remember my first serious relationship which lasted for about 4 years and ended when i was 19. it affected me for a long long time. i was like oh my god!!! that hurt!!! sometimes i wonder how i got thru it!!! i have been on both ends i have been dumped, and i have dumped. it never felt good being on either end!! i hated seeing the look of disappointment in someones eyes when you have to face them and say i dont want to see you anymore. altho these days people just send freaking emails!!!
Surfer Dude Posted November 22, 2008 Posted November 22, 2008 Hey Trueblue, it seems we have been in an awfully similar boat. My fiance cheated on me, dumped me and then started sleeping around with guys one week after breakup. The biggest problem about the whole situation is that she wanted to remain good friends, and every time we'd talk, she'd tell me about her every sex adventure and every new boyfriend she got. Can you imagine how painful that was? But still, I didn't have the courage to say goodbye forever, because I panicked that I would never see her or talk to her again (we live in different countries). She explicitly let me know that there is absolutely no chance of getting back together whatsoever. Yet, she wanted to remain friends and harass me with talks about her love life. The reason she wanted to stay friends is because she was getting emotional support and validation, it was satisfying her ego to see that I'm suffering after her.. and for some strange reason, just enjoyed to see me broken over her new guys. But I didn't have the courage to say goodbye. I couldn't bear the thought of her not being part of my life anymore. I didn't want all the effort and memories to go to waste. But as she was abusing this awkward "friendship" more and more, I became disgusted with her. I sent her an email explicitly telling her that she is never ever to contact me again, that I don't wanna be her friend and that she should disappear from my life forever. And you know what? I thought I would panic and feel all broken about it. But I'm feeling better than ever. I removed one extremely annoying and depressing presence from my life, it gave me the power to plunge into a new world of opportunities. Don't be afraid of losing abusive people from your life. It's your life and you have every right to decide what kind of people you want to be a part of it. If you kick her out of your life, you still get to keep wonderful memories from your relationship because they are a part of you, nobody can take that away.
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