So I Saw Him This Morning & NOTHING

[xflower]

Look I went through a rough divorce and I guess I have some issues I need to work though. I have a tough time trusting men as my husband divorced me. I wont get into the details but it shattered me. I have not had a really serious boyfriend since my divorce.

 

Lots of male friends if you know what I mean but no serious boyfriends.

 

This guy scares me a bit as he is serious. I dont think he is looking for just for a sex buddy.

 

I didnt think I would care when he disappeared but now I do. Its going to be so hard to talk to him as he wont budge one inch now. Here I am standing 4 feet outside his office and he said NOTHING.

[me4u2]

He said nothing because he already said it and said it and said it and said it.

 

It's YOUR TURN to say something. YOU have to make the move.

 

He won't budge because there's nothing to budge for. You haven't said anything, you've only been present. He could be thinking the same thing about you. Gee there she is, now she sees me and she still says nothing.

 

I understand where you're coming from though and I see why it's difficult for you, but he does not know your past. He only knows you ignored him time and time again.

[konfuzd]

How is it that you're not getting this through your head?

 

He asked you a question, "are you there?" and you decided he wasn't worthy of a response. Even after he continued to make efforts, you ignored him. How is it justified that you're upset when he does the same thing to you?

 

He deserves an apology, and you should expect nothing from him until you provide one. Even then, he may decide he doesn't want someone who is rude and plays mind games.

 

Don't hold him accountable for whatever happened between you and your ex. If you want to move on to a respectful relationship, the first thing you need to do is show respect for others.

[Geishawhelk]

Look I went through a rough divorce and I guess I have some issues I need to work though.

 

Your problem, not his.

I have a tough time trusting men as my husband divorced me. I wont get into the details but it shattered me.

Ditto.....

 

I have not had a really serious boyfriend since my divorce.

Lots of male friends if you know what I mean but no serious boyfriends.

Ditto....

 

I didnt think I would care when he disappeared but now I do.

Ditto....

 

Its going to be so hard to talk to him as he wont budge one inch now. Here I am standing 4 feet outside his office and he said NOTHING.

 

Ditto.

 

Are you seeing the pattern here?

 

Have you considered counselling?

It's an option worth considering, because you are sabotaging your own prospects of happiness.

[carhill]

Ditto.

 

Hey, you sound like my nail gun

 

OP, IIRC, you're in your late 30's, yes? OK, plenty of life experience under your belt. Yes, some pain too. You're old enough to know your actions affect others and their opinions and actions pertaining to you. You're old enough to know what empathy is. You likely experienced a dearth of it in your M and now you're taking it out on other men. OK, fine. Just don't be surprised by their reaction. When you can move beyond your own feelings to embrace those of others, then IMO you're ready for a "serious" R. Good luck!

[Geishawhelk]

"Ditto"....

Did I?

I did!

 

[Stockalone]

Even though many posters have already replied, I have quoted a few sections from your previous thread and responded how I would have seen your actions had I been in the guy's shoes.

 

At the end of the night I guess he thought he was going to get laid. He offered to take me home. I said I can do it and gave him a kiss on the cheek and went home. That was the last time I spoke with him.

 

Granted, that might have been the case. However, you can actually offer to take the woman home after the date, without having an ulterior motive. You get her home safely, walk her to the door, thank her for the date, tell her that you had a good time. Maybe get a goodnight kiss and then you go home.

 

I hope that you two did meet up at the cinema. Because if he picked you up that evening and then you didn't want him to take you home after the date, that would pretty much be a slap in the face for the guy.

 

 

On my way home I got a text message that he wanted to see me that Saturday. This was mid week. I thought yuck, its not even cold yet. Than when I got home he sent me an email that he had a good time.

 

Well, it might have been a bit early to try and schedule another date. But is that really that bad? The way I understand it, this wasn't a first date. It sounded like you already had been out a couple of times.

 

And what is wrong with letting the person you date know, that you had a good time. Frankly, when I dated, a response from the woman was very welcome and also expected to some degree. A man is usually not a mindreader. If there is no response, that either is a sign of no interest or bad manners. Either way, it's not encouraging.

 

And it's one thing if that happens after a first date, then it's not a big deal. If it happens after a bunch of dates, it would confuse me quite a bit.

 

 

After that I did not hear from him for about a week.

 

After having your date go silent for a week and not respond to your calls, texts or emails, it is already a reach to expect a guy to keep trying to make contact. Not many guys are willing to go out on a limb after such a treatment. Most men will write you off for ignoring them, they surely won't call again. Given that he knew that you also dated other men, he might have thought that you have found someone you like better.

 

 

I was out with another friend and I got a text message asking "r u there" and a voice mail saying he hadnt seen me in a week, how have I been, blah, blah.. Than later I got a txt message saying I like you, I care about you but I sense something is not right. If you dont want to see me, just tell me. Than a last one saying everything is cool and it passes in time.

 

Maybe he was afraid that he did something wrong, and that is what he believed to be the reason you stopped talking to him. Seems your guy did care for you and was wondering why you haven't responded. From my POV, that is perfectly understandable.

 

I have done something similar in the past. I didn't date the woman but I was keeping in touch with her and I cared about her. After she didn't respond to me for a month, I made one last effort. Maybe it's needy or clingy, but it was my way to say that I have no idea why she isn't responding and to say that I am sorry if I did something wrong and that I regret that she stopped responding to me because I do care about her and would miss her if we stopped talking/writing.

 

She did respond to that e-mail. If she hadn't, I would have stopped and never bothered her again.

 

 

After the one phone call and those text messages after the date he has done NOTHING. No phone calls, no emails or text messages.

I saw him once in the cafe about 3 weeks ago and he totally ignored me like I was not even there. He did not even say hi. I even walked really slow hoping he would catch up. He didnt.

 

I am pretty sure that you could find women who would have thought that this guy has serious issues if he had continued to contact you. If you keep contacting a woman without a single response from her, it's not long before people wonder when you will finally get the hint that the woman isn't interested. Some might even say that the guys behaviour is becoming stalkerish if he doesn't stop pestering the woman.

 

I am not surprised that he didn't even acknowledge you in the cafe. He already made it very clear that he likes you and would like to see you again. And the response he got from you was silence.

 

Even if he would still be interested after what has happened, he won't show it. It has to do with pride and self-respect. There is only so much you can do on the woman's terms before you become a doormat.

 

I just have to ask, why do you suddenly care about the man? In your first thread, you described his behaviour as needy and clingy, you were wondering where the confidence had gone. You said you were ambivalent towards him. He wasn't worth five minutes of your time to respond to at least one of his attempts to get in contact with you.

 

Are you irritated because he didn't play along the way you expected, jumping through every hoop you want him to, until you decide who of the men you are seeing is the last one standing.

 

Are you really interested in this man or is it a case of wanting what you can't have?

 

 

I just dont get how a guy could go from being smitten to totally backing off after I didnt respond to him. He did nothing bad nor mean. We had no arguments even. He just freakin disappeared after I didnt call.

 

He was expressing his worries that you had been hurt before and that he never intended to hurt you. It would have gone a long way to respond to him, reassuring him that he didn't offend/hurt you and that you had other reasons not to respond to him after your last date.

 

Disappearing after you get ignored a couple of times is usually what people are expected to do. It does sound like he was smitten, he really didn't try to hide that. That makes it only worse to be ignored. If you really care about a woman and already are invested and care about her, being given the cold shoulder and ignored, does hurt.

 

 

Its the mans job to pursue the woman. I generally dont call back anyway.

 

So now what am I supposed to do?

 

If it is the man's job to pursue, it's a woman's job to give positive feedback if she wants him to pursue. Silence does not qualify as positive feedback. Prolonged silence means "leave me alone".

 

Just curious, if you don't respond to him and you don't call back, how did you envision to arrange future dates. Would you have gone out with him again if he had kept calling after this week where you ignored him? And what made you not ignore him during the first couple of dates?

 

In case you really want another chance and it's not just a bruised ego, then apologize.

 

Tell him that you never wanted to give him the impression that his advances were unwanted, and that you never wanted him to feel like he did something wrong.

 

Apologize for ignoring him and make sure to include that you know it was rude of you to ignore him.

 

And you should think about why you didn't respond to him. And you really need a convincing answer for your behaviour. Frankly, I don't see one as of yet, but you can always start with the truth and tell him that you honestly didn't expect him to respond to your silence the way he did.

 

What I might believe would be that you needed a bit of time for yourself, that you wanted to go a bit slower, more time between dates. That you made the mistake of going quiet instead of talking to him about it.

 

I am biased against people who date more than one person at a time, so it would be hard to convince me that I wasn't just the backup in case none of your other dates developed into something serious. I would be worried that you are only interested in me again because you need the backup (me) for an ego stroke until someone else comes along.

[norajane]

He did nothing bad nor mean.

 

No, he didn't. In fact, everything he did was nice and caring.

 

YOU, on the other hand, were mean to him. Ignoring people is mean. Do you see that?

[SoulSearch_CO]

I cannot believe this guy stopped calling me because I ignored a phone call, an email and some texts.

LOL...are you serious? I could understand if it was ONE phone call and nothing else. But you ignored more than one attempt at contact - of course he's going to stop calling. Just how special do you think you are?

 

I think it's time to move on - you obviously put him off big time.

[norajane]

I pulled this quote from your other thread from last week:

 

Well the honest truth is I was dating someone he knew (and sleeping with him). So when he asked if I was seeing someone the truth is I was but I liked this guy too. I was kind of ambivalent about the first guy and was sampling other men.

 

I had no intention of it getting as far as it did. It just kind of steamrolled after the make out session. I think the guy I ignored would be incredible in bed - he knows exactly what buttons to push with a woman. But he wouldnt take the next step even though I was almost offering myself on a platter to him.

 

After he got a bit clingy and insecure the week after the make out session is when I stopped returning his calls and txts. I am still seeing the first guy and the second guy does not know about him (I think though I am not sure). I have heard nothing through the grapevine that he blabbed that he was with me. He has just disappeared.

 

It kind of annoys me because I would like him to talk to me but now he wont.

 

If you really think this is how relationships work, you're way off the mark. Here are some dating rules for you:

 

- You can't date guys who know each other, especially if you're having sex with one of them and think you want to have sex with the second guy. Eventually, they will talk, and you'll be the ho in that conversation.

 

- Don't dish out what you can't take. Ignoring people when they contact you - especially when they are genuine and caring - will just get you ignored in return.

 

If this is about your ego - that's where your annoyance is coming from - you need to get a grip and seek some counseling or something. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO MALE ATTENTION, AND WHEN YOU TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THEY ARE DISPOSABLE THEY WILL EVENTUALLY DISPOSE OF YOU. Few men will fall at your feet and follow you around like a puppy if you repeatedly kick them away. Especially if you're having sex with their friends.

[xflower]

I think I made a mistake with this guy. I have never had a guy just disappear like this. I do admit my ego is a bit bruised that he just vanished. Almost always the men continue to pursue me but this guy hasnt.

 

I guess it was kind of rude what I did by ignoring him. I am just very surprised he wont even say hi to me now.

 

I cant exactly go dancing into his office now? If I call him or email him I dont think he will even answer.

 

So how do I get him to talk to me? Do I just apologize and tell him I made a mistake or that I was having a bad time that week?

[carhill]

This is what I'd do. Leave him alone and, if he has occasion to be "friendly" at work in the future, accept that with the same response you do to others being friendly with you. Re-start the clock. This may be a few months or never. It's not your choice. Better to leave him alone for now. Did I say that already?

[norajane]

I think I made a mistake with this guy. I have never had a guy just disappear like this. I do admit my ego is a bit bruised that he just vanished. Almost always the men continue to pursue me but this guy hasnt.

 

I guess it was kind of rude what I did by ignoring him. I am just very surprised he wont even say hi to me now.

 

I cant exactly go dancing into his office now? If I call him or email him I dont think he will even answer.

 

So how do I get him to talk to me? Do I just apologize and tell him I made a mistake or that I was having a bad time that week?

 

Do you want to "get him to talk to you" because you genuinely care about him? Or because your ego is bruised and you just can't deal with a guy not wanting you anymore?

 

I ask because it makes a huge difference.

 

If you care about him, then you wait until the end of the day (so as not to interrupt his work) and you lay it on the line sincerely. You apologize for ignoring his calls and messages and you tell him that you were majorly f*cked up from your marriage and you really don't know what to do when it comes to developing a relationship with a guy who isn't treating you like crap. Don't ask for anything except to say that you hope he can find it within him to forgive you for treating HIM like crap. Then you stop talking and LISTEN to what he says to you. He may not go for it, he may need time to think about it, or he may give you another chance. But that's all you can do.

 

If this is just ego and you want to see if you can hook him again, forget it. He's already seen what kind of date you are, and no matter what you say to get him back, it won't come across as sincere, especially since you really can't understand why a guy would think you're a b*tch for blowing him off so many times and would stop talking to you.

 

Are you still having sex with his friend? If so, then don't even give this guy another thought. There's no way he and this guy won't talk, if they haven't already.

[kashmir]

Is this what females seriously act like when a guy stops pursuing them after making several good attempts? If it is, then LOL. That makes me feel so much better that I might actually be weighing on some girl's mind that I forgot about long ago.

 

You don't really like this guy. If you did, you wouldn't have been so rude. You wanted his attention. When he did the logical thing and cut it off, you still craved it.

 

Seriously, grow up.

[carhill]

You apologize for ignoring his calls and messages and you tell him that you were majorly f*cked up from your marriage and you really don't know what to do when it comes to developing a relationship with a guy who isn't treating you like crap

 

I personally think this is a very mature thing to do, but, honestly, I've never experienced a woman doing this, no matter how much the hurt was nor how much they cared, in my 49+ years on this planet. Tomorrow is a new day

[4givrnt4gtr]

Haha, Im sorry but as soon as I read your post (this one and the one before actually), I stopped to think about how I would summarize the whole idea of your question...

 

this is what i came up with....

 

I treated a guy like crap...how come he isnt laying down and taking it like other men have before????

 

 

You met a man with a healthy sense of self esteem, and it looks like its the first one you've ever encountered. Id say forget about him (as u truly dont care for him, but rather you hate that you found someone to whom you're not completely irrecistible as you initially thought).

 

Men arent objects or toys that are there to raise your ego. They are humans, just as you are. What you did to that poor guy was bassically humilliate him until he couldnt take it anymore, he shoke himself off and walked away. You cant blame him for it...nor can you truly expect him to talk to you or be surprised that he wont give you the time of day. All you can do at this point is realize what you did, take a hard look at yourself and learned to be more kind.

 

Let him be, and stop trying to get him to pursue you again, because i can assure you, you will blow him off again just because you can.

[mark982]

xflower, there's a old saying " no matter how good she looks, someone somewhere was tired of putting up with her crap" and that lady was you. i guess your inflated opion of yourself can't handle it.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

I don't think you really like this guy that much and my feeling is he is taking another date to the Christmas party who truly enjoys his company. You are only deceived into thinking you really like him now that he wants nothing to do with you and has moved on.

[2sure]

You know, after my first divorce I enjoyed dating again. But I noticed the guys were a little different. They were not so keen on being treated like crap as they had been when I was younger. At first I thought maybe my ass had gotten fat, but no, that wasnt it. They had grown up. Being older this time around, many of them also had divorces or bad relationships under their belt and...men of experience, real men, quality men, mature men...dont put up with that bitc*y attitude anymore. Hey, once in awhile maybe from a 23 year old Brazilian model...but not from you honey. Or me for that matter.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

Now that's kind of rude. You have no idea how good looking and appealing she is to this guy.

[movingonandon]

I would totally buy this guy a beer. He did the right thing and frankly I'm surprised at your surprise - anybody would and should cut you off after repeated dissing. My personal cutoff rule is two unanswered communications, then goodbye. I'd recommend taking it easy with the sense of entitlement from now on.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Is this what females seriously act like when a guy stops pursuing them after making several good attempts? If it is, then LOL. That makes me feel so much better that I might actually be weighing on some girl's mind that I forgot about long ago.

Oh, my gooooodness. PLEASE don't judge all females by this one example. Not even freaking close. LOL Some of us are adults and don't: play games, then get huffy when the one being played doesn't like it.

[OpenGL]

It's women like the OP that make me seriously consider turning gay.