OWoman Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 After all, OWoman, if you had met your guy AFTER he divorced his wife, you would have passed him by. That's an interesting one, Donna, and one MM and I have speculated on ourselves. Thing is, had he not met me, chances are he'd not have gotten D'd, as he'd not have known that love did not involve abuse, and that things could be different - and he'd have felt obliged to stay "for the kids" and by the time they'd left home, he'd have been in a hospital ward... It took having an A to open his horizons to allow him to seen non-abusive alternatives, and to allow him to conceive of having a different kind of life, and to leave. So chances are, he'd not have left without an A. And so the idea of him sitting quitely on the sidelines waiting for me, having dumped his W, isn't very realistic. From my side, I'd also likely not have met him had he not been in his abusive M at the time. Had he been in a fulfilling R, or had he been free and S, chances are he wouldn't have travelled to my country on the business trip on which we met. Chances are he'd have turned down the subsequent invitation to return. Chances are he'd not have attended the social events that afforded me the opoortunity to inspect him so throughly and to make my move. So, under other circumstances, chances are we'd never have met.
Holding-On Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I have to agree, for some its easier to be themselves with a taken/married person. However, it does not apply for everyone including me. If you ask me, with a single/available person, its easy to be yourself because you know you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. On the other hand, with a taken/married person, you have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain at the same time. Sorry. I think you may have misunderstood a bit what I was trying to say. I am not talking about people intentionally going for a married person. At least not at first. I'm talking about cases where people discount any attraction happening because they put the married person in, well, the married category. Whereas with a single person they find attractive a certain reserve anxiety or overeagerness might doom a potential relationship. So they relax in the company of the married person and sometimes that married person becomes attractive slowly and more naturally and the relationship progresses past friendship.
Author dema1 Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Sorry. I think you may have misunderstood a bit what I was trying to say. I am not talking about people intentionally going for a married person. At least not at first. I'm talking about cases where people discount any attraction happening because they put the married person in, well, the married category. Whereas with a single person they find attractive a certain reserve anxiety or overeagerness might doom a potential relationship. So they relax in the company of the married person and sometimes that married person becomes attractive slowly and more naturally and the relationship progresses past friendship. Thanks for the explanation, Holding-On.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Married people seek out in others what they do not have in their marriage. The marriage is in a fatal situation but the two married people are either at a stahlmate or deniel. So many good marriages end this way. The extra marital affairs are a way of coping with the inability to continue with the marriage w/o it.
Geishawhelk Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 The extra marital affairs are a way of coping with the inability to continue with the marriage w/o it. No, the extra-marital affairs are just a way of giving into natural urges. we find plenty of psychological reasons to justify it though. This is the cross we bear for being reasoning, rational, logical, thinking 'superior' mammals with all the extra accoutrements intellect has brought us. We're so intelligent and logical, that we fail to recognise the real reason we are unfaithful. Because we felt like it.
jaffas Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 IMHO one's self esteem has to be at the lowest point to get involved with a married person. why else would you do it? when all you feel is rejected and unwanted by others, a married person can put you up on a pedestal and make you feel like the queen of the universe. but it is not black and white. the complexities and variations between individual circumstances abound.
Geishawhelk Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I rest my case. Mammals (other animals) have no problems with self-esteem. the complexities and variations between individual circumstances abound. Exactly. Issues which animals never have to deal with. In order to justify something, we have to see it as complicated. Something as simple as wishing to mate with another, is seen as overly simplistic. We have to find justification under layers and layers of angst. The bottom line is that nothing and nobody forces us into the arms - and bed - of another. It's all regulated by that wonderful little ghizmo, "Personal Will-Power". All this "I couldn't help it, it just happened, I didn't mean it...." is utter tosh. If you really didn't want it to happen, it wouldn't have happened.
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I am sure both explanations apply in equal numbers of cases. As a matter of fact, I don't think that the first excludes the second. "Feeling like it" is still in the "getting what you want" category - and we want what we don't have. The reasons can be as superficial as "I've slept with my wife many times, I want something new" to "My wife doesn't make me feel loved anymore." A woman may simply want a man who's better in bed or someone to respect her and appreciate her. Married people seek out in others what they do not have in their marriage. No, the extra-marital affairs are just a way of giving into natural urges. Because we felt like it.
Geishawhelk Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 The way to seek out what you haven't got in your marriage is to look for it with your spouse, not find it elsewhere. You made a promise to your spouse when you committed to exclusivity. You go to counselling, you communicate, you talk. If you manage to find it, fine. If not, break. THEN sleep around. people sleep around - whilst still in a relationship - because it's the easier, more natural route. Communication and commitment take effort.
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