Why get involved with married people?

[dema1]

The number of people who get involved with married people is amazing. I just don't get it. When you have so many available options out here, why get involved with a married person? I know its possible to get a connection with someone regardless of their marital status, but if you ask me its just plain wrong and usually it won't go nowhere and you will end up hurt in the end cause they most likely will not choose you in the end over their spouse. Any feedback is welcome.

[jwi71]

First and foremost as a BS, I hate A. Having lived through the devastation of one...it can only color my view of them. Or not as I value my word and my commitments even before that and continued hell.

 

1) Some A's happen as the MM deceives the OW. He lies and presents himself as single. This is not the OWs fault for falling into an A. It is HER fault for continuing such.

 

2) Some happen because the OW doesn't value M. Since she has no belief in the traditional views of M she will obviously not feel any moral qualms about pursuing a MM. The real question here is - why does the MM give in?

 

3) The MM pursues the OW. Says he "hates his W", "its miserable", "he's only there for the kids"...pick your poison. She believes him and gives in. Question here is why does she believe him and give in?

 

4) Exit A. He wants out but is too cowardly to simply file for a divorce. So he creates conditions for one to be slapped against him.

 

5) Open Marriage. The MM is free to pursue sexual relations with others.

 

6) Psychological impediment. She is attracted to him precisely because he is married. Were he single, she wouldn't give him the time of day. Again, why does the MM give in?

 

7) Happens naturally. They start as platonic friends and the feelings grow. Each allows it and b4 they know it - full blown EA and possibly a PA. Who do you blame here?

 

7 I could up off the top of my head. Coincidentally, I asked that same question on this very forum (not a thread unto itself) and the answer I got was "Cannot control who you fall in love with".

 

Hogwash. You can.

 

Should be interesting to see other responses.

[RobertLS]

The number of people who get involved with married people is amazing. I just don't get it.

 

You don't get it, and neither do I, because it's not logical. Human emotions are not logical. Affairs have been going on since the beginning of time, and I don't think anything's going to change that. We're human. We make mistakes. And even when we learn from our mistakes, we STILL make mistakes, sometimes the same ones. Go figure? I think your question has about as many answers as there are people in affairs.

[Geishawhelk]

'Being unfaithful' is a human evaluation of a behaviour practiced by most mammals.

There are virtually no mammals that are constantly faithful to one mate, for life.

marriage and relationships have values, morals, rules, regulations, guidelines vows and promises, self-imposed by humans as a result of civilisation, society, religion, law and ethics.

Being unfaithful is not a choice. It's an instinct.

Fidelity is a conscious choice.

 

but if one decides to participate in a ritual with someone else, that requires or supposes fidelity, and one agrees to "abide" by the strictures, one should keep one's word.

or one shouldn't make promises if one is incapable of keeping them.

[dema1]

First and foremost as a BS, I hate A. Having lived through the devastation of one...it can only color my view of them. Or not as I value my word and my commitments even before that and continued hell.

 

1) Some A's happen as the MM deceives the OW. He lies and presents himself as single. This is not the OWs fault for falling into an A. It is HER fault for continuing such.

 

2) Some happen because the OW doesn't value M. Since she has no belief in the traditional views of M she will obviously not feel any moral qualms about pursuing a MM. The real question here is - why does the MM give in?

 

3) The MM pursues the OW. Says he "hates his W", "its miserable", "he's only there for the kids"...pick your poison. She believes him and gives in. Question here is why does she believe him and give in?

 

4) Exit A. He wants out but is too cowardly to simply file for a divorce. So he creates conditions for one to be slapped against him.

 

5) Open Marriage. The MM is free to pursue sexual relations with others.

 

6) Psychological impediment. She is attracted to him precisely because he is married. Were he single, she wouldn't give him the time of day. Again, why does the MM give in?

 

7) Happens naturally. They start as platonic friends and the feelings grow. Each allows it and b4 they know it - full blown EA and possibly a PA. Who do you blame here?

 

7 I could up off the top of my head. Coincidentally, I asked that same question on this very forum (not a thread unto itself) and the answer I got was "Cannot control who you fall in love with".

 

Hogwash. You can.

 

Should be interesting to see other responses.

 

I like your response jwi. A nice way to break it down step by step. However, I have to ask you do the same reasons mentioned above apply to married woman and unmarried man having an affair or are there different reasons?

[jwi71]

I like your response jwi. A nice way to break it down step by step. However, I have to ask you do the same reasons mentioned above apply to married woman and unmarried man having an affair or are there different reasons?

 

You want me to try and guess at what a woman is thinking? Are you nuts or are you smoking something illegal?

 

Tell you what...you go first and you tell me what a woman is thinking.

[dema1]

I just think a married woman would do it just for fun, or cause she is unhappily married.

[Geishawhelk]

You can allocate precisely the same reasons for both sexes.

The bottom line is, that fidelity is harder work than the alternative, because it's actually not natural.

[Chinook]

1) Some A's happen as the MM deceives the OW. He lies and presents himself as single. This is not the OWs fault for falling into an A. It is HER fault for continuing such.

Wrong. It is only HER fault IF she finds out. Some, like myself, don't find out. I only found out AFTER I was dumped. Was it still my fault...? I don't think so. As far as I was concerned, he was my partner. The fact that he was unfaithful whilst he was married was NOT my fault.

[Brimstone_Angel]

The number of people who get involved with married people is amazing. I just don't get it. When you have so many available options out here, why get involved with a married person? I know its possible to get a connection with someone regardless of their marital status, but if you ask me its just plain wrong and usually it won't go nowhere and you will end up hurt in the end cause they most likely will not choose you in the end over their spouse. Any feedback is welcome.

 

If you get an honest word from a willful adultery partner, I would surprised. Think of them like thieves, rapists, molesters, and other horrible, treacherous humans. Only the rear few actually want to confront the evil they are. They don't want to tell you that they couldn't give a care about you or your children (if there is a family involved). They are too happy to help someone in their wrongness for their own happiness. The could careless about morality or looking out for their fellow human. Trying to understand them and the reasons why is to try to ask why in this day and age do people still commit the crimes against humanity they do.

 

You really want comfort when dealing with one who loves to destroy others, EXPOSE THEM! I mean it. If you can find out any useful information...Expose them for the home wreckers they are. Post them on the internet. Tell the situation to their bosses. Heck, I'd even tell it to their friends and family members. The worst thing (and the right thing to do) with sin, is expose it for what it is. Let your hurt be known. And send a clear message, I WON'T LET THIS AND THOSE INVOLVED TO FORCE ME TO KEEP THEIR WRONG DOING IN THE DARK!

 

I did that with my ex at her birthday party (before her friends and her family, yeah, nothing like sex photos of your daughter in arms of a man, let alone a man that was not her boyfriend). God, I cannot tell you how quickly I got over her once and destroyed any shame I might of felt at her betrayal. And from that day forward, I understood why so many betrayed spouses felt so bad, it is not because of the fact their spouse cheated, but because of the self-guilt that often comes with the wrong doing of someone else.

 

So, don't bother worry about the way they did what they did, there is NO justification. Just have fun with their choices and let the consequences be known.

 

Wrong. It is only HER fault IF she finds out. Some, like myself, don't find out. I only found out AFTER I was dumped. Was it still my fault...? I don't think so. As far as I was concerned, he was my partner. The fact that he was unfaithful whilst he was married was NOT my fault.

 

I don't think the OP or anyone was talking about those who find out AFTER the fact due to the partner lying to them. It is for those who choose to either to engage a person who is married or after the lie is discovered, to actively switch rolls in being a villain.

[Lizzie60]

getting involved with married men are exactly what I want..

 

I do not want a relationship.. btdt.. they do not a commitment.. so this is perfect..

 

I see them under their best behaviour.. they're always clean, smell good, nice, funny... and they are, most of the time, my best lovers..

 

I do not have to be faithful.. .. since they know I am single and they have a W.. so I am free to have other lovers...

 

It's all good... it works for me.. I like to share my men with their W..

[mopar crazy]

getting involved with married men are exactly what I want..

 

I do not want a relationship.. btdt.. they do not a commitment.. so this is perfect..

 

I see them under their best behaviour.. they're always clean, smell good, nice, funny... and they are, most of the time, my best lovers..

 

I do not have to be faithful.. .. since they know I am single and they have a W.. so I am free to have other lovers...

 

It's all good... it works for me.. I like to share my men with their W..

 

 

Lizzie, your R w/ MM is based soley on sex, right?

 

I don't know why you can't seem to find a SG that loves to have sex but doesn't want a commitment. I had no troubles when I was single getting laid and not have to worry about a commitment. I didn't want one and made it clear to the guy I was seeing. Love the sex, not the commitment. Just sayin.

 

I had a chance to get involved w/ a MM but as soon as I found out he was M, I ran! No way in hell I was going to share any man, especially w/ a W! Too much drama, no way.

[Lizzie60]

Most single guys I've had.. wanted more.. they were calling all the time.. they are pain in the b*tt...

 

Plus.. some weekends I just want to be by myself.. I want to see them when I WANT to see them.. not the other way around.. so it CAN'T work with a single guys.. they get jealous.. they want to get together, do stuff... etc.. the timing is not always good with me..

 

I just prefer MM.. they are better lovers.. from my experience... they never question my time... they call me ahead of time and if I can and if I feel like it.. they come over..

 

I just find it waaayy easier with MMs.. that's all.. they are much less complicated..

[LittleDove]

I found myself having some kind of relationship with a MM when I was younger.

We went OS together, I 'thought' he was single, and it was the start of something wonderful...

Then I answered the hotel room phone one day, and its his wife...???WTF?

 

I left him, right there, in London, it was over.(im from australia) I had a holiday without him.

 

Not because I respected his marrige, but because I simply cannot share, im just not interested in a man whos taken. I pity the wives of MM who will do this.

[Brimstone_Angel]

...Not because I respected his marrige, but because I simply cannot share, im just not interested in a man whos taken. I pity the wives of MM who will do this.

 

I feel petty of for the other men and women who have no morals or respect for someone else. But, hey, there are a lot of things you married spouses faced with such callous individuals can do. A married woman won $500,000 from the mistress of her husband. A married man won almost $5000 on his claim. There is the justified beating of the other person and the ch eating spouse if they are caught together. Just make sure it is with your bear hands and no one is seriously hurt, most cops and judges would not treat the offender that harshly, most get off with a warning. But, the most fun is just showing revealing the beasts before all. Nothing like public ridicule and shame to at least show someone that this is not acceptable.

[mopar crazy]

Most single guys I've had.. wanted more.. they were calling all the time.. they are pain in the b*tt...

 

Plus.. some weekends I just want to be by myself.. I want to see them when I WANT to see them.. not the other way around.. so it CAN'T work with a single guys.. they get jealous.. they want to get together, do stuff... etc.. the timing is not always good with me..

 

I just prefer MM.. they are better lovers.. from my experience... they never question my time... they call me ahead of time and if I can and if I feel like it.. they come over..

 

I just find it waaayy easier with MMs.. that's all.. they are much less complicated..

I have had those "pain in the butt" guys in my life. I just told them I was busy w/ friends for a girls night out and if I wanted to meet up w/ them later I would either find them or give them a call.

 

If they showed up on my doorstep and I didn't want to see them at that time I sent them away. I had my life, they had theirs and if I wanted them around it was going to be on my terms.

 

Why do you think MM are better lovers? Is it b/c their W's taught them what they know?

 

I have friends who were the OW to MM. I could never understand why they would want to be put in that position. It was drama from day one. They had to lie, sneak around, and hide to be w/ their MM. I just thought it was just too much work just to get laid. And the MM they do have an A w/ were eeewww! I was thinking "WTH? If your gonna screw a MM at least make it worth it and get a hottie!" LOL!

[LittleDove]

Not because I respected his marrige, but because I simply cannot share, im just not interested in a man whos taken. I pity the wives of MM who will do this.

 

I was young, and didnt have much depth back then...If it happened now, I would have huge empathy for the W and I would most likely expose the MM as a lying cheat.

I would NOT knowingly get involved with a MM, and even back then, I was not aware of his situation.

 

I think that after being 'almost' married, I have a deeper understanding of marrige...and long term relationships, defacto. There is still a commitment, even without a certificate.

 

What I dont get, are the women who want a MM. And seek one out...

sometimes relationships are tired, and struggling, and all it takes is a few too many drinks, and a woman whos all willing and available, and suddenly theres an affair! would it have happened otherwise?? who can say...

 

If I was single and looking, a MM wouldnt even get a second glance from me. And IF a MM liked me, I wouldnt want to know about it, unless he was separated and had a divorce locked in.

 

When I was briefly single I was seeing a S guy as my booty call. We had it easy we both knew what we wanted. I dont want a MM for that.

(ok so it turned into something more..)

 

JMHO i dont judge anyone elses lives, live and let live!

[Lizzie60]

Why do you think MM are better lovers? Is it b/c their W's taught them what they know?

 

I said, most of them.. were better lovers.. I don't know.. could be the experience.. practice makes perfect.. Maybe they showed him what they know.. I don't know that.. and I don't really care.. as long as they're good..

 

They had to lie, sneak around, and hide to be w/ their MM. I just thought it was just too much work just to get laid.

 

See.. this is NOT a problem for me.. I have my own place.. they come here.. we rarely go in public... It's no work for me.. they have to find the excuses to be away from home.. not me. Most come during work hours, or on their 'boys' night out' .. or while they're going 'shopping'.. or right after work...

 

We are extremely careful.. I would never ever take a chance of being caught.. or take chances to call him (I never call unless it's totally safe to.. I will block my number or call from a public phone, etc.)...

[bentnotbroken]

One thing I have found to be true on this forum is that everyone has their own ideas about morality and respect. Some say that they don't owe anything to someone they have not promised anything to. Others will say that it's not their fault, it just happened. Point is, this is one subject that you will never find 100% agreement to. Personally, I agree that the cheating spouse should face the consequences of his or her actions

 

However I have to strongly disagree with you about doing it in public or with violence. I think that makes the BS look worse than if he or she just kicked the cheater out and made a attempt to move on and find happiness.

 

 

I guess I was the exception. All I found was support and understanding. Everyone said that I showed more restraint than either deserved. And even if they didn't I wouldn't give a damn as I have to live with what is best for me, without pain to my children. And since they knew of the A before I did, they were more than willing to give him a dose of his own medicine. They felt betrayed too.

[herenow]

IFor me, as soon as I realized I could be happy with or without my H, I knew I was going to be fine. I didn't have the need to expose him because it wouldn't have done me or my kids any good or made me feel any better.

[Shannon2008]

Mainly because the cheating MM's are deceitful and pursue woman more than any single man would. An OW believes him, gets hooked, and after she realizes she's on ride...it's not always so simple to let go...because your heart is not always logical.

[savvy_girl]

I was betrayed while engaged, but was unaware of this until several months later. I do not blame the OW, I blame my fiance. As per him, OW knew nothing of our engagement, only the fact we were dating for 4 years. IMHO, my ex was a coward to both of us, as well as a cheater. We extablished a connection, while she thought they were exclusive. I remember one day, speaking to him for hours, and his mother yelling at him as new gf was visting their home that night. He did not get off of the phone with me.

I asked him how he could go to new gf's house, eat dinner w/her family, and feel fine, knowing 3 days prior he was at my house, stating his love for me, and attempting to have sex w/me. He replied he did not even think about it.

What is funny about ex is he is a "Holier than thou Catholic", and reads at mass. He is truly a mess. At this point I just wonder how many people he cheated on me with.

What truly bothers me is the lying. Why lie now? I know almost everything, we are not getting back together, there is no point to it. But then I realize whom I am dealing with, a person, who at the age of 43, while we were still dating, could not go away with me for the weekend due to his morals/values...but most important, his mother's opinion.

[Shannon2008]

I was betrayed while engaged, but was unaware of this until several months later. I do not blame the OW, I blame my fiance. As per him, OW knew nothing of our engagement, only the fact we were dating for 4 years. IMHO, my ex was a coward to both of us, as well as a cheater. We extablished a connection, while she thought they were exclusive. I remember one day, speaking to him for hours, and his mother yelling at him as new gf was visting their home that night. He did not get off of the phone with me.

I asked him how he could go to new gf's house, eat dinner w/her family, and feel fine, knowing 3 days prior he was at my house, stating his love for me, and attempting to have sex w/me. He replied he did not even think about it.

What is funny about ex is he is a "Holier than thou Catholic", and reads at mass. He is truly a mess. At this point I just wonder how many people he cheated on me with.

What truly bothers me is the lying. Why lie now? I know almost everything, we are not getting back together, there is no point to it. But then I realize whom I am dealing with, a person, who at the age of 43, while we were still dating, could not go away with me for the weekend due to his morals/values...but most important, his mother's opinion.

 

Sounds like getting rid of him is a blessing in disguise.

[RecordProducer]

I think it boils down to the fact that many people don't see marriage as an unsurmountable obstacle. Marriages do in fact dissolve due to affairs. Also, some people can't find what they want among the single people, so they settle for a married person.

 

In reality, a woman who is marriage-minded and believes that she will meet Mr. Right some day, will not go for a married person knowing that he'll never leave his wife. It's either due to lowered criteria or hope that he'd get divorced why they get involved and remain in affairs.

[dema1]

I started this thread cause I thought it would be a great topic for discussion. I myself am in a happy and commited relationship with a wonderful woman.