usedanabused Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I have not started any counseling with my wife . she wants our marriage to work and this time i feel i do too . Keep in mind my wife has caught us twice with phone calls and text messages . I fessed up and told her I love my OW and of course it hurt her but she asked me to stay . OW did not ewant me out of the house either I guess she could keep me in her control that way . I have had limited contact with her . Her H screens her cell phone records every month constantly questions her wherabouts (TIMES Her ) so she hasd a calling card and she calls me that way occasionally once every 8-9 days or so just enough to keep her foot in the door . I hurt so badly right now I cannot think straight . We have been togethor Five years 11/16/08 and its hard . She always told me we would be togethor and always talked about a future togethor . Then September her H leaves her for about a week and she runs back and kicks me to the curb until he is comftorable again and she will come back . i just cannot do this anymore however I am addicted to her and cannot say no ! I wish I could figure this out and get help and move on !!
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 You need to go total no contact with the OW otherwise you can kiss your marriage goodbye. It is obvious that you and the OW are JUST affair partners and neither of you in reality have any real plans on ending your marriages and building a new life with one another. Yes, you are addicted to her and the affair, the feelings she makes you feel. BUT, all of that is based on fantasy, fun and selfish feelings, not the real world. And it's on the expense of your wife and her husband! Take time for you, do counselling on your own first before joining your wife in marriage counselling. Once you decide once and for all WHO it is you want, it'll get easier.
Author usedanabused Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 WWIU Thanks for the responnse you were a tremendous help to me when this all started I only wish I was smart enough to continue with your advice when you gave it to me the first time . I deserve to loose my wife a I know but she knows and stayed I guess she thinks I am just troubled right now who knows . This woman is addicting and at one poibnt I would have left with her I really was . But it seems when it comes down to put up or shutup she runs back. She used to tell me how much she loved me and how bad she neeeeded me in her life . I know what is right my heart is aching and I do not know what to do at this point .
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 The OW loves you when it suits her. She will call and you will go running..But, all that is in the heat of the moment - Lust, excitement, fun, sex - Yet that isn't long lasting love that you can build upon. The cat and mouse game has to stop, otherwise you WILL lose your wife. And in all honesty, once you're out of the fog of the affair and you wake up, you'll see how close you came to losing your wife and all that you've built with her. You're welcome and I hope you stay strong, keep busy and do counselling.
Author usedanabused Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 WWIU I know every word you have said is the right thing to do . I want to try to move on I may try some counseling . I am just so weak and vulnerable at this point in time . I am hurting badly after three months still .
Dexter Morgan Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I have not started any counseling with my wife . she wants our marriage to work and this time i feel i do too . Keep in mind my wife has caught us twice with phone calls and text messages . I fessed up and told her I love my OW and of course it hurt her but she asked me to stay . OW did not ewant me out of the house either I guess she could keep me in her control that way . I have had limited contact with her . Your wife is giving you a chance here. You should have NO contact with the OW. Either you love the OW or your wife. Make up your mind. Otherwise if you don't want to break it off completely with the OW, you are doing nothing but spitting in your wife's face and crapping on her forgiveness. I hurt so badly right now I cannot think straight . We have been togethor Five years 11/16/08 and its hard . She always told me we would be togethor and always talked about a future togethor . Then September her H leaves her for about a week and she runs back and kicks me to the curb until he is comftorable again and she will come back . i just cannot do this anymore however I am addicted to her and cannot say no ! I wish I could figure this out and get help and move on !! Obviously you are disrespecting your wife's willingness to forgive you and save the marriage. So why don't you just get a divorce? Then maybe that will prompt the OW to get a divorce and her husband can be set free from all of this. Her husband and your wife don't deserve this. So man up, set them free, so that way you and another cheater can be together.
Owl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 You can't move on for one reason: you remain in contact with OW. While that's happening, you can forget about your marriage improving. You can forget about rebuilding feelings for your wife. You can forget about 'letting go" of OW. You can basically just forget about ANY real form of happiness here. You're ASKING for all of this stress by continuing to try to have both, OW and W. I get the addiction...I also know that anyone can beat an addiction at any time...especially one like you have with OW. Its got a simple tactic that will beat it. Cold turkey NC. If you love your kids...if you love your wife in any fashion...if you want to give your family a chance...the ONLY answer is to end it completely with OW. PERIOD...its that black and white. This is going to sound harsh and terrible, but hear this thru: I hope, for your sake, that your wife gets sick of this game and kicks you out. I hope that your kids hear about your affair, and get disgusted with you and tell you to leave. I hope your friends and family find out about the affair, and make your life a living hell for being involved in it. Because once that starts to happen...you'll finally find the REASONS to change your behaviors. But until that day, your wife and your family are going to suffer for being "second place" in your life. You're going to remain miserable and apathetic about fixing anything in your life. And this situation will keep on the way it has been. Think about it. Its either the scenario I've drawn out, or you finally "manning up" enough to make the change because you know its what you need to do. Which do YOU see happening anytime soon?
Author usedanabused Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 I do appreciate all of your replies even if they sound harsh . I am just so weak right now and am hurting badly . I do know what it is I need to do but at thi spoint I wonder if I have the willpower to not take her calls . You need to understand I woiuld have left my wife for her but I know now that would have been a mistake . I am just so so screwed up right now . You are all right thanks
Owl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Your question about the "willpower not to take her calls" raises a really, really good point. You DON'T have that willpower...you've made that abundantly clear. So...don't rely on that willpower. Make it so that you CAN'T take her calls. Change your contact information. Cell phone/home phone/email/IM accounts...whatever. Delete the old ones that she used to contact you...and create new ones that she can't know about and couldn't guess. Matter of fact...give your wife access to all of this and ask her to HELP YOU prevent further contact. This is a one time fix-it thing...it just takes the courage of a moment to do this, and then willpower or not, you've got safeguards in place. Why not do it RIGHT NOW?????
RobertLS Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Your question about the "willpower not to take her calls" raises a really, really good point. You DON'T have that willpower...you've made that abundantly clear. So...don't rely on that willpower. Make it so that you CAN'T take her calls. Change your contact information. Cell phone/home phone/email/IM accounts...whatever. Delete the old ones that she used to contact you...and create new ones that she can't know about and couldn't guess. Matter of fact...give your wife access to all of this and ask her to HELP YOU prevent further contact. This is a one time fix-it thing...it just takes the courage of a moment to do this, and then willpower or not, you've got safeguards in place. Why not do it RIGHT NOW????? The reason he doesn't do it right now is because he doesn't want to. If he tries what you suggest to cut off contact, he'll still think about the OW and will have the desire to contact her, and he'll eventually find a way. His reason for NC has to be because **HE** wants to. And until he does, attempting NC because you, his wife, or anyone else tells him he should, won't work. In fact, I believe unless he truly wants to, it's guaranteed to fail. I think what he needs at this point is IC to help figure out what he truly wants. He says: I know what is right my heart is aching and I do not know what to do at this point. He knows what he OUGHT to do, but he doesn't know what TO do because he doesn't know what he truly wants. He needs to figure that out first.
RobertLS Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Usedanabused, I was in a similar situation as you, although not nearly so long. (Five years! That's a LONG time!) Three things I found helped that may help you. One is keeping everything in the open. Whenever the OW contacts you, tell your wife. Tell her what was said. Tell her everything. I found that once things were out the in the open in my case, it helped me see more clearly. My wife had no idea how hard a time I was having disengaging from the OW until I told her. She was very supportive once I started sharing my feelings and struggles openly with her. The secrecy of an affair is one of the main things that keeps it going. End the secrecy, and the affair will be much easier to manage. The second thing is anti-depressants. They helped me a lot with the "thinking in circles" and not knowing what to do. And the third thing is exercise. It's a great way to both get your mind off things and to help you refocus. Good luck.
Owl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Robert...he's NEVER going to "want to". That's why he needs to do it now, rather that postponing it to a timeframe that will never happen.
RobertLS Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Robert...he's NEVER going to "want to". That's why he needs to do it now, rather that postponing it to a timeframe that will never happen. Well, he describes this as an addiction that he can't break. From what I've read and heard about recovering from addictions, you have to "want to" in order to be successful. You have to REALLY want to. Doing it for any other reason will almost certainly fail. That's the angle I was coming from.
Owl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Again, no one 'wants' to break an addiction. By definition, they will never want to end it. So that's why people with addictions require something that 'breaks' the addiction. Its why people have drug rehab clinics, "interventions", etc... Its why a recovering alcoholic should never go back to a bar. They 'break' the addiction by taking measures that PREVENT them from getting their 'fix'. They get locked down for rehab, etc... They get to THAT point by reaching out for help in their very, very rare moments of clarity. When they realize that they SHOULD change, or NEED to change, even tho they don't WANT TO. And the recognition of the NEED to change is often a long time thing...but there's no WANT to change at any point. And that's what this poster has done...here. He's identified he's got a problem...and that he NEEDS to change, even though he deoesn't WANT to change. See the distinction here? So...he needs help. He gets that help from his wife, by admitting to the addiction and getting her assistance in implementing measures to prevent him from getting his "fix" until the withdrawls have faded, and he's able to control himself enough to stand against the addiction on his own. But it's NOT dependent on him 'wanting' to change...by the very nature of addiction, he CAN'T 'want" to change...its dependent on his recognition of a NEED to change, and taking action (AND REQUESTING HELP) to break the addiction. He doesn't have the strength to 'want' to change. So what he does is realize he 'needs' to change, and gets help from outside to give him that strength.
RobertLS Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Owl, I still think that unless he really wants to change, anything he tries will only work temporarily. Sooner or later, he'll be overwhelmed past the breaking point. And that will just create a seemingly endless cycle that will confirm his belief that he has no willpower and make it harder and harder to break the addiction. This is just my opinion, and I guess it disagrees (respectfully ) with yours, but I do think he has to want to first.
RobertLS Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Owl, thinking some more about your post, .... I'm not sure why you think part of the definition of addiction includes not wanting to change? I agree with you about the need to take measures to prevent addicts from getting their fix, but I think unless they really want to change, they'll find a way to get their fix somehow. About the distinction between "want to change" and "need to change," I see the distinction and understand the reason for rehab clinics, getting help from his wife, requesting help on this forum, etc. Again, I think he can seek all the help he wants, but unless his motives come from within, it's likely to be a waste of time. Some people will say you have to hit rock bottom in order to break an addiction. I see "rock bottom" as coming to the realization that you want to change.
Dmoney28 Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Once again here is my 2 cents...i'm laid off from work, so have alot of time . I agree with both Robert and owl as far as addiction. I was a alcholic and a Heavy marijuana user a while ago. I reached apoint in my life were i hit rock bottom. When you are in a situation like that, you have to WANT to change. But there has to be a BREAKING point..to cause that WANTING of change. If you WANT to change, you take a look at your life and say "i cant keep doing this..my life is waisted"...at the same time the break comes when you are at that low point...the break or rock bottom, makes you aware of the current situation. You have no choice but to get better....thats IF you value your life..or marriage in this case. If not you will be stuck in a eternal cycle that will never end until you die, or someone puts you in rehab. Even then ...when you are out of rehab, there is always a chance of relapse. So the WANT can possibly be still there....but the effects of the BREAK will usually prevent you.
Owl Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Perhaps that's the source of our confusion. I see "rock bottom" as the point when they realize that they NEED to change. They still don't WANT to change. They still crave the next "fix"...even though they now realize that its not the best thing for them. And here's the thing... The "want to change" or not is irrelevent. ESPECIALLY in the beginning stages of getting clean. In the beginning stages, all that matters is staying clean...against what he CRAVES AND WANTS. He's going to WANT to break NC...but those measures to stay clean prevent him from doing so. Once the addiction breaks...THEN it's all about WANTING to stay clean. Once the addiction breaks, its going to be all about ensuring that the proper changes have been made in his life, his wife's life, and their marriage to ensure that he WANTS to stay clean. That is what will make the whole thing WORK. But right now...he doesn't want his marriage, he wants his OW. But...he NEEDS to get OW out of his system so that he can get to a point where can actually work out what's his best plan. Right now...he needs to break the addiction in the first place...THEN he can sort through what he wants.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I do appreciate all of your replies even if they sound harsh . I am just so weak right now and am hurting badly . I do know what it is I need to do but at thi spoint I wonder if I have the willpower to not take her calls . You need to understand I woiuld have left my wife for her but I know now that would have been a mistake . Why do you think it would have been a mistake? Obviously you still want this other woman, so what would be the mistake in divorcing your wife?
Dmoney28 Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 ok, i think i understand where owl is comming from. At this stage...Want isnt really there..YET. He still craves the OW. And he will continue to do so unless he is forced not to. But then the question is what will force the BREAK. His wife finding out didnt force the break of his addiction. The flaky behavior of the OW's want/want me not attitude hasnt caused a BREAK in the addiction. So what will?. He has to be forced to, because at this point he dosent seem like he wants to( thus the want not being there). Thus the struggle and cycle. I think the WANT simply isnt there. Honestly i think there has to be a traumatic effect to break the addiction, something to force a choice. No offense to the poster, because i cheateed before. But i think his wife should not have taken him back so easily, maybe 4-5 months . Usually pain or trauma causes this decision to break the addiction to the OW. His his wife said "i'm not taking you back, you have to leave". That trauma or pain of not living with his wife would force him to make a choice. Stay and love his wife...or find some way to be with the OW. forgive me if i'm off on this
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